Chapter Thirty-Nine

C HAPTER T HIRTY-NINE

After our encounter with the leader of Undarion, I spent the evening in the dining room, eating with my brothers, courtesy of Leira’s cooking. Idris, of course, was unimpressed to learn that an Undarion king had insulted me, but by that point, none of it had any significance to me.

Afterwards, walking along the hallways, I head back to mine and Darius’s chamber. Cracking the door open, I peek inside and see the golden tassel curtains drawn with Tibith peacefully asleep on Darius’s side of the bed. A candle beside the dresser in the corner flickers and crackles, giving me enough light to see that Darius isn’t here.

Something in my chest sinks as if someone has tied a sandbag to the end.

I close the door quietly enough to ensure Tibith doesn’t awaken, then rush back down the halls, searching for Darius. As if his scent carries a beacon, I come to a stop outside the throne room. I look in and find him leaning back against the throne – the only thing not ruined from our attack to free Darius – his fist beneath his jaw and a furrowed stare at the floor.

The soft patter of my boots is the only sound that echoes in the vast hall. Darius doesn’t look up, but he knows I am here.

Tonight, the moon looks exceptionally bright. A sight we didn’t think would happen for a while after the Isle of Elements.

Staring at the only light source inside the throne room, I say, ‘Why aren’t you asleep?’

‘Beds are uncomfortable,’ he mumbles.

‘And that throne is any better?’

‘Well, I am supposed to be the future king. I should start getting used to it.’

His irony doesn’t ever slip past me. I approach him, slower this time, and he looks up at me.

‘You know you do not have to take over,’ I whisper. ‘If being king isn’t what you—’

‘It is not so simple to give up a crown, Nara,’ he mutters. Our gazes lock on to each other for a few tense seconds. Then he sighs and looks towards the moon. ‘You know, if it were a normal night after stealing from one of the jewellery shops, I’d be drinking away at Gus’s den.’ He smirks to himself. ‘He’d probably tell me something along the lines of how I need to better myself. You know, the typical things a father should say to their son when they’re rebelling.’

Now I understand.

The guilt is slowly eating away at him.

‘They say it’s honourable for us to have one of our dragons use their fire to burn us after our passing, but I couldn’t even give that to him.’ He leans forward, dropping his head in his hands. ‘There is nothing left of him. Nothing .’

I lower myself in front of him and try to pry his hands away, but he doesn’t let me as he shakes me away, saying ‘No,’ in such a broken voice.

‘Darius,’ I say helplessly. I’m so used to him being the one there to protect me, humour me and build me up, that this hurts too much. Sadness and empathy wash over me as I stare at him, wanting to pull him away from the throne and leave.

Something wet smacks against my skin, and I look up between the gaps in the broken ceiling as it leaks, with sudden rain dripping down onto us.

‘We need to go.’ I press the palms of my hands against Darius’s knees. I don’t care so much about getting drenched; I only care for him. ‘Darius—’

‘I lied to you that day,’ he cuts me off abruptly, lifting his head. I still. ‘That day in the dungeons.’ There’s a gloss in his eyes, brightening the gold rings around the iris.

I think I know what he is going to tell me.

The moment when I asked him if he remembered what Aurum did to him, he told me no.

I brace myself for his answer. He can see the fear written on my face.

‘I remember every damn thing that happened,’ he whispers, but the clarification just makes my chest burn. ‘And I wish I couldn’t. I wish I couldn’t remember a damn thing.’

My exhale sounds like a sob as I close my eyes.

‘I wish I could forget the faces of each person I had to kill against my will.’ His voice wavers. ‘How they begged and pleaded for their life, to not be bitten.’

I shake my head as if that will make me get rid of this heaviness inside my heart.

‘I’m broken, Nara.’

My body quivers, but not from the rain, as the Galgr’s words come back to me in the most haunting way.

‘If he is breaking, then he must do so alone.’

‘I’m the one thing I desperately didn’t want to be,’ Darius says. When I open my eyes, I see the rain mixing with his tears.

My arms wind around his neck with an instinctive tenderness. He hugs me back tighter, his body trembling as I shut my eyes, determined to take every little bit of pain away from him. But I know I can’t.

I can’t fix him.

I don’t want to fix him.

I just want him to fly.

‘He can’t do any of that to you any more,’ I tell him without a care that my silk nightgown is entirely soaked.

‘It will never leave my mind,’ he says into the crook of my neck, his breath shaking as he exhales.

I tighten my grip around his neck, my knees aching from kneeling for too long. Yet it doesn’t matter to me. Not one bit. ‘What else did he make you do?’ I whisper, not eager to find out, but needing him to not keep it all to himself any longer.

It takes him a minute to answer me, and when he does, his voice sounds like he’s been screaming for hours. ‘He would coerce me into using a blade on myself, making me count how many times I could do it before I lost consciousness.’

The confession flies at me like a dagger and I flinch in his arms as my anger surges. I tamp it down for his sake.

‘I tried,’ he says. ‘I tried so hard not to let him in, but every single day, I failed.’

My exhale comes out shaky. ‘That time I came down to the Aerian dungeon, you were counting,’ I explain to myself more than him. ‘It was your body’s way of remembering.’

He nods, running a hand through my hair.

It should have been me, not him.

And though I wouldn’t have survived to the extent that Darius could during that time, I would have endured it all the same.

Darius and I are silent, embracing one another for a long time; two souls longing for a better future and a better life together where no one suffers.

I release him, leaning back. The rain has subsided; our clothes are soaked and sticking to our bodies like a second layer of skin. Through the subtle silver light, Darius looks incredible. The water has only made him glow ten times more. It doesn’t matter whether he believes he is broken or not; he is the moon, carrying the celestial scars that shape our night.

He caresses the side of my face, cupping my cheek as he stares at me. I tilt my head slightly into his hand, letting my lips touch his skin.

Pondering on my past, I say, ‘The day my mother died, she told me she felt better.’ With a gentle tug, I pull his hand away from my face and clutch it instead. ‘She even got up and dressed herself. I thought everything was back to normal . . . I thought that maybe the following day, she could take me to the village where they sold quality carving tools.’ I’m not looking at Darius. My vision is a cloudy haze as I lose focus. ‘I also remember arguing with Idris that day, telling him I was going out to capture butterflies. He said he didn’t want me going out when my mother wasn’t stable. I told him he was blind not to see that she was better. My mother didn’t want me to go out either; she wanted to spend time with me, and I suppose, in her own way, she knew she was dying. She just didn’t want to tell me.’

When I do decide to glance at Darius, he’s already staring at me with thundering intensity. He must be wondering why I am telling him this, but either way, he wants to hear it. He wants to understand .

‘I never did end up catching butterflies that day,’ I say. ‘But I did pick up an antique teacup for my mother. It was my way of saying sorry that I still left for the day. Only when I got back, she had already succumbed to her illness.’

Darius leans forward, shaking his head. ‘Goldie—’

‘I broke that teacup.’ Memories of the ceramic shards all over the floor cut into my heart. ‘Out of anger, grief, love.’

A spark of acknowledgement crosses his eyes, and he finally sees what I am trying to say. ‘Did you fix it?’

I smile, shaking my head. ‘No. I got a new one and broke that one too.’

He chuckles as if he should have known that was something I would do.

‘I broke it and used the pieces as well as the scraps from other teapots to put them all together to craft my own teapot.’ I laugh. ‘It was hideous, absolutely hideous, but it was mine to call ugly.’

A glint of amusement tips the side of his mouth into a smirk. ‘Are you trying to say I’m hideous, Goldie?’

I laugh, annoyed yet pleased to see his old self. ‘Always,’ I whisper, grinning.

I let us bask in this small moment of laughter, before it subsides and we’re left in silence.

I lick my lips, then press three fingers to his heart. His chest rises and falls at a symphonising rate. ‘I don’t care if you are broken,’ I say, staring up into his eyes. ‘Or if you can’t forgive yourself for what has happened in your life. I only care that we are here together, we have a purpose, and we cannot and will never be daunted.’

The expression on his face is so serious, yet the look in his eyes as he stares at me is full of admiration.

Without a word, he slips his palm behind my neck and pulls me towards him. Our lips almost touch as he rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. The warmth of his breath as he sighs sends a welcoming shiver down my legs. ‘I’d be so lost without you in this world, Nara.’

I smile, whispering against his lips, ‘Then it’s a good thing you found me.’

He answers me by capturing my mouth with a slow and lingering kiss. Without another thought, I wrap my arms around his neck and melt against him.

We are both still drenched from the rain, and the feel of his clothes sticking to his muscled body makes me ache for more. Unbuttoning his shirt, I run my fingers down his chest, sighing into his mouth as his tongue slides in, tasting me and savouring every drop.

‘I want you,’ I breathe, rummaging for a way to unhook his breeches. ‘All of you. Always and for ever.’

I receive a low groan in response, his hand fisting the back of my hair right as his cock springs free from his trousers. Straight and ready for me.

Our heavy breaths drown out the sounds of distant rumbling, and I stare at him in wonder, almost salivating.

Like a cautious animal experimenting with something new, I reach for him, cupping his wide length. He grunts in pleasure, growing thicker.

‘You don’t need to do anything, Goldie,’ he says, his voice low and heavy.

I look up at him, my breasts tightening at the sight of his hooded eyes.

He has probably done this with other men as much as he has with women.

I shake my head, determined I can do it. I want to do it. I want to learn on my own.

Leaning forward, I part my lips and gaze up from beneath my lashes, meeting his eyes.

I start off slow, swirling my tongue against the tip.

His head drops back against the throne, and I cannot tell if it’s beads from the rain or sweat that trail down his abdomen.

‘If you keep teasing me like this, I’m going to lose it, Goldie.’

I pause, smiling with my tongue still out. I grip his shaft, squeezing it gently and making his hips jerk at the sensation.

His reaction only makes me want to do it more, to show him a side of me no one has ever seen and will never experience except for him.

‘Nara—’

I take him into my mouth, cutting his words off. He swears under his breath, and for just one moment, I’m lost, not knowing what to do or how to please him, but as he rocks gently against me, I find my rhythm. Slow and languidly.

He fists my hair between his fingers, writhing beneath me. Deep moans release from him, and I continue sucking and sliding my lips up and down him until he is shaking.

Madness takes over me, my own body betraying me as it aches for his touch on me, too.

As my movements quicken, his breaths become choppy, and his legs tighten up against me.

I know he is nearing the edge, but just when it seems like he is about to give in, he summons the strength to resist and effortlessly lifts me onto his waist. I squeal in delight as he surprises me with his sudden action, allowing him to rise while my legs remain securely wrapped around him.

He switches us around, my nightgown gently gathered at my thighs, with my legs gracefully elevated upon his shoulder and his face buried between my thighs.

I almost let out a scream but stifle the sound with the back of my hand, knowing the echoes might alert someone.

My desires consume me, driving me to move with an intensity that matches Darius’s strokes.

With a swift motion, he tears my nightgown apart, revealing my wet breast. I’m squirming and panting as his tongue dances along my throbbing centre.

I say his name like a prayer as his touch caresses my body, and the palm of his hand traces a path across my skin, up my abdomen, chest and, finally, neck. I lean my head back against the throne as he firmly grasps my throat, holding me in place.

‘I love you,’ I whisper, and he pauses. I almost protest once again but he leans over me, the tip of him nearing my entrance before he slides into me.

I gasp at the sensation as his forehead rests against mine.

‘I will never tire of hearing you say that,’ he says with each thrust.

I bite my lip. ‘And you?’

‘You already know what I feel.’ His movements become faster, my pleasure reaching its peak. ‘No word will ever suffice for what my love for you is, Goldie.’

My heart soars.

‘My Crello,’ I say.

‘My Solaris,’ he whispers.

And right then, we lose ourselves to each other, over and over again.