Chapter Fifteen Cromwell

Chapter Fifteen

Cromwell

“This is gonna be fucking lit!” Easton bounced around on the seat of my truck. I eyed him, wondering what the hell had gotten into him.

“Easton.” Bonnie put her hand on his arm. “Calm down.”

“Calm down? My boy is playing at Chandelier, and you’re telling me to calm down? No way, Bonn. The Barn is one thing, but seeing Cromwell spin tonight at a real venue is gonna be sick. You know how many people are coming to see him? A few thousand at least!”

I drove us toward Charleston, listening to Easton losing his mind over tonight. Easton hadn’t even been concerned about why his sister was coming. I thought he’d give me shit. He’d been asking about Bonnie and me the past week. I thought he suspected something, but ever since we’d got up this morning, he’d been all over the place, high as a damn kite. The daft bugger had even woken me up at four a.m. asking me to go for food. I’d only gone to bed half an hour before. I’d created a mix just for tonight.

I couldn’t wait to play it.

It took just under an hour to get to the venue. The security at Chandelier told me to pull my truck around back. A couple of guys tried to take my new laptop from me. Not a chance. No one ever touched my laptop. Easton walked on one side of me. Bonnie was on the other. I’d lost my mind, I must have, because I wanted to reach out and hold her hand.

And I couldn’t get last night from my head. Couldn’t get the taste of her lips off my tongue. But more than that, I couldn’t get my head around the fact that she said we couldn’t happen.

I didn’t do girlfriends. Never had. I was a use-them-and-move-on kind of guy. But from day one Bonnie Farraday had gotten under my skin. And Sod’s Law, the one girl I was chasing as more than a quick shag wasn’t having any of it.

I had no idea why. We’d both been into it last night. I’d felt her against me. Her hands hadn’t left me. Even afterward, she’d clung to my hand like she never wanted to let go.

But I was learning Bonnie Farraday was a complex girl.

Even though she’d pushed me away, I couldn’t let her go. I’d wanted her here tonight. I didn’t know why, but I needed her here. I wanted her to see me in a real setting. I wanted her to hear my new mixes.

One I’d made just for her.

The manager was up my arse the second I walked in the place. Apparently it was a sellout. I’d go on at midnight. It wasn’t far off.

“I’m gonna get shots,” Easton said, flashing his fake ID at Bonnie and me before leaving us alone in the ridiculous-size dressing room. Couches, a TV—even a bed sat in the corner. It was a good venue. I didn’t feel nervous about playing; I never did. But I was nervous about having Bonnie beside me on the podium.

Nervous about what she’d think of the new mix I’d made for her.

Bonnie sat down on the couch and rubbed her hand over her face. She was pale. But she looked good. She was wearing black flowery high-waisted trousers and a white long-sleeved top that showed off every inch of her curves. Her hair was in a high ponytail, and I wanted nothing more than to wrap it around my hand and pull her to my mouth.

I was making sure I had everything lined up on my laptop. The sound of the opening DJs came from outside. Colors, as always, danced before my eyes. But I blocked them out and concentrated on my own set.

“You ready?” Bonnie said eventually. We’d had no time alone since we’d got in the truck.

“Always.” I stared at her. Her hands were fidgeting in her lap. She looked so damn cute. “Farraday.” She looked over. “Get your arse over here.”

Bonnie looked as if she’d refuse, but then she got up off the couch and came to my seat. I shifted over, making enough room for her to sit down too. She hesitated. I groaned and pulled her down by her arm. “For Christ’s sake, Farraday, I had my tongue down your throat twenty-four hours ago. I think you can sit down beside me. It’s not like there isn’t room. You must weigh all of eight stone.”

“What?” she asked, brown eyebrows pulled down. “Eight stone?”

I threaded my arm around her waist, making her yelp. “It means you weigh nothing. Now.” I shifted her close enough that she was pressed against me and my hand could still use my laptop.

“Cromwell.” She sighed. “This isn’t wise.”

“No one ever said I was.” I pointed to my laptop. “My set,” I said. Bonnie’s love for music overrode any complaint she had about being next to me. She stared at the program.

“So these are your tracks?” I nodded. “Then how do you mix them?”

I shrugged. “I judge the crowd. Decide when I’m up there what to play next. See how far I can push them.” I tried to picture the crowd in my mind. “I just do what feels right.”

“You follow the emotion,” she said knowingly. “What you told me last night.”

“Yeah.” I closed my laptop and looked up at Bonnie. Her eyes were already on me. Then they dropped to my lips. “Farraday.” I inched closer and pressed my forehead to hers. “If you don’t want me to take your mouth right now, I’d stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” she whispered, cheeks flushed.

“Like you want to feel my tongue ring in your mouth again.”

She laughed, the sound causing the violet-blue circle I normally saw to spike and pulse with pale pink. “You’re a regular Romeo,” she said jokingly. “Feel your tongue ring again?”

I felt my damn chest expand and my lip hook up at the corner. I pulled her closer and ran my nose down her cheek. Her breathing was shallow and stuttered. My lips nipped her earlobe. “Never claimed to be,” I said into her ear. I moved back, my lips running over her cheeks and to her lips. My eyes were open, wide open, as hers locked on mine. She was breathing hard.

I closed in, forgetting that she told me we could never happen. Just as I pressed my lips to hers, a knock sounded on the door. “Cromwell?” a voice said. “Five minutes.”

I sighed, my head dropping to her shoulder. Bonnie’s hand fell into my hair. “We’d better go.”

I sat up, and then before she could argue, I crushed my mouth to hers. She sighed into my mouth, but I pulled away quickly, grabbing my laptop. I held my hand out for hers, and this time, Easton or not, I was going to hold her hand.

Bonnie didn’t resist.

We walked the corridor to the main stage. Some of the workers said hello. I nodded at them. But with every step, I got myself more and more in the game. When we arrived beside the podium, I could hear the crowd. I could hear the shouts and calls. Bonnie’s hand squeezed mine. Her eyes were wide. I kissed the back of her hand and leaned in close. “Sit to the side of the stage. I asked them to put a chair there for you.”

Her eyes melted at that. I had no idea why. I let go of her hand and threw my headphones around my neck. The stage manager waved me on. I took one last look at Bonnie then walked onto the podium. A wave of screams and shouts came crashing at me.

I put the laptop on the decks and opened it up. As always, I risked one glance at the crowd and drank in the moment. It was like slow motion. The crowd waiting for me to start. I scanned my eyes over the thousands of faces. All looking up at me as if I were a young god. Then I looked to the side. Bonnie was still offstage.

I pointed at the stool that was waiting for her. Bonnie swallowed, her eyes huge. She was so friggin’ cute as she took her first step up onto the podium. I reached down for her hand when she looked unsteady.

She sat down and looked around at the crowd. If her eyes were wide before, now they took up her entire face. I gave her a spare set of headphones, signaling for her to put them on. I wanted her to hear every beat I threw out. I wanted her to soak up the tempos, drink the rhythm, and live the bass.

When she looked back to me, breath held, I lined up the first track, let my hand hover in the air…then with a slam of a finger ripped the fucking roof off the place.

The crowd played right into my hands, all falling for the mix. I moved to the decks and the drum machine and let the colors lead me. It was minutes before I looked at Bonnie. She was watching me so closely, watching my hands create every beat, every track. I didn’t need to look at the laptop, the decks. Instead I met her eyes. When her attention was fully on me, I started mouthing the colors. Peach. Turquoise. Black. Gray. Amber. Scarlet. Tune after tune, I told her what I saw. And she was in it with me. She never moved her eyes away from me, a smile on her lips as I let her see my colors.

Let her see me.

Then, violet blue , I mouthed. Bonnie’s eyes widened. I glanced down at my laptop and lined up the track I wanted her to hear. The one I couldn’t get out of my head last night. The one that played so loudly in my mind I’d had to get it down.

The words of which she’d had no idea I’d recorded.

“Some are not meant for this life for too long.” I threaded the opening verse over the beats. The volume was quiet, a crescendo building the second verse. “A fleeting glimpse, a silent birdsong…” Drums built, violins soft in the background. Then, the drum beat in double time, her voice gaining volume, until I smashed it, bringing the song to its maximum beat, Bonnie’s soft voice pushed to the highest volume, her violet-blue words coating every inch of the room…

Some are not meant for this life for too long.

A fleeting glimpse, a silent birdsong.

Souls too pure, they burn out too bright,

Bodies so fragile, losing the fight.

Hearts lose their beats, rhythms too slow,

Angels they come, it’s time to go.

Lift from this place, to the heavens and skies,

Smothered in peace, where nobody dies.

Hope left behind in the ones they have loved,

No longer caged, now wings of a dove.

Wings, white as snow, sprout from my heart.

Wings, spreading wide, now to depart.

Tears in my eyes, I give one last glance.

I lived, and I loved, and danced life’s sweet dance…

I layered acoustic guitar chords I’d had stored for years but never used over the top. And Bonnie’s voice sang loud and clear. I mixed it three times, until the next track pushed through the background, replacing the violet blue with lime green.

When the next mix pumped from the speakers, I looked up at Bonnie. Her hand was over her mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks. My stomach cramped. Until she looked into my eyes and her hands fell away. A smile so wide it seemed to hit the damn ceiling spread on her lips. She got off her stool and walked to me. I pushed her back out of sight of the crowd and let her smash her mouth to mine to a background of gold and magnolia and chocolate browns. I tasted the tears on her lips and the mint on her tongue.

Her chest pressed against mine as my mixes controlled the crowd, making them sway and jump and dance. When Bonnie pulled back, I wasn’t ready. I cupped her cheeks and took her mouth again. Now that she’d given me her lips, I never wanted to give them back. The colors shifted to blue, heading for navy. I pulled away and walked back to the podium. The crowd went insane. I glanced down and saw Easton at the front, eyes closed, some girl hanging off his arm. He had two bottles of beer in his hands, just feeling the beat.

I slowed it right down. The lighting technician took my cue and brought the flashing lasers to a soft white glow, dimming the brightness. The smoke that had been pumped out all night hovered in the air, suffocating the dormant white beams. I held my hand in the air, the crowd waiting for my call. The slow beats calmed their slamming hearts; the long low notes brought their pulses to normal. I heard my breath echo in my ears. I felt the heat from their bodies slam into mine, felt their readiness to be brought back to the high only I could give them.

My fingers waited; the technician waited for his cue. I looked at Bonnie to see her on the edge of her seat, waiting for me too. I smiled to myself, feeling so full from the music. Then, when they were ready, when they had taken as much pause as they could possibly take, I slammed my hand down and brought the rain.

The lights dropped, and strobing lasers bathed them in green. The beats drugged them, entranced by my hand. I heard a laugh from beside me and turned to see Bonnie scanning the jumping crowd, their bodies moving as one unit to the heavy bass I gave them like a drug.

I smirked and gave them more, gave her more, and her hands went in the air and her eyes closed. I paused and just looked at her.

Something settled in my chest that I hadn’t felt in years. Something I never thought I’d find ever again. Silver. I choked at the sight.

Happiness.

My hand slipped from my laptop, waking me the hell up. I refocused on the set, but that silver never left me. It was branded on my brain. Its color as strong as if it’d been gilded, like a crest, onto my mind.

The whole time I played, Bonnie sat, a smile on her face, and watched me. And all the time violet blue and silver warred for dominance in my mind. I flicked my hand off the laptop, the final beat glittering on a sphere until it faded into nothing toward the back of the room.

The house DJ took over. I picked up my laptop, holding my hand up for the screaming crowd. Sweat beaded on my forehead, but adrenaline surged through my veins. I turned to Bonnie. Her face was flushed, and despite the time, her eyes were bright. I slipped the headphones off her head, tucked my laptop under my arm, then lifted Bonnie off the stool. Her hands came down on my biceps as I dragged her down my chest until her feet hit the floor. I took her hand and led her off the podium and into the corridor. I didn’t care if anyone was around. I didn’t give a damn if anyone saw. I walked Bonnie up to the wall. The minute her back was against the brick, I smashed my mouth to hers. Bonnie was just as eager as I was. Her hands threaded into my hair, yanking on the strands to get me even closer. My blood sang with the music I’d poured from my body for the past three hours.

Bonnie gasped against my mouth, but I needed to taste the sweetness that always burst on my tongue whenever we kissed. I traced my tongue down her neck. “Cromwell,” she whispered. The sound of my name from her lips only spurred me on.

Bonnie grabbed my head and brought me back to her mouth. I wasn’t sure how long we kissed, but she broke away again, struggling to breathe. My hand flattened against the wall. Hers were on my chest. She breathed and breathed, and I let her catch her breath. When she’d calmed, she spoke only two words: “My song.”

“Your song.” I’d never put lyrics to my mixes before. Never felt the need…until her.

The sound of the door opening was like thunder in the corridor. I stepped back from Bonnie just as Easton stumbled through. “Fucking Cromwell Dean!” A girl trailed behind him. Easton wrapped his arms around me. “That set!” He looked at Bonnie. “Bonn…your song.”

She smiled at her brother. “It was amazing.”

I patted Easton on the back. “Let’s go.”

Easton shook his head and threw his arm around the girl standing behind us. “Going back with Emma. She goes to the college here.”

“How are you going to get back?” Bonnie asked.

“Bonn, it’s an hour back home. I’ll get the bus tomorrow sometime.” He looked at the blond in his arms. “Or maybe Monday.” He shrugged. “Just gotta see what happens.”

Easton backtracked the way he came, back into the club. Bonnie watched after him, concern on her face. “He’ll be okay,” I said and took her hand in mine.

Bonnie gave me a tight smile, but she let me lead her back toward the dressing room. We grabbed our stuff then made our way to my truck. As soon as we were inside, the air in the cabin thickened.

“Well?” I turned to Bonnie. She was already watching me, an unreadable expression on her face. “What?”

“I get it now.” She wrapped her arms around her waist.

“You cold?”

“A little.” I reached for my black jumper and handed it to her. She smiled and slipped it on. It drowned her small frame. She closed her eyes and smelled the collar. “It smells like you.” She opened her eyes. I waited for what else she would say. I turned the engine on and let the heater heat up the car.

“How?” Bonnie’s voice cut through the white noise as I pulled onto the road. I glanced at her, eyebrow raised. “How did you get my song?”

“The museum,” I said. “When you sang, I recorded it on my phone.”

She frowned. “Last night?” I nodded. “But how did you get it on a track?”

“I stayed up all night to do it.”

She sighed. “You’ve complicated things for me, Cromwell Dean. You were never meant to complicate things.”

I laughed a single laugh. “I am complicated. I’ve been told that enough times.”

Bonnie didn’t laugh though. Instead she shifted beside me and laid her head on my shoulder. I wasn’t sure if she was asleep, but when I looked at her in my rearview mirror, she was staring straight forward. I narrowed my eyes, wondering what the hell was wrong. But then she wrapped her arm around mine and held on.

I wanted her to talk. I wanted her to say something, but she didn’t. I thought on what she’d said. How I complicated things. I knew I was messed up. I knew I was a moody bastard, that I blew hot and cold. But I had a feeling that wasn’t what she meant.

An hour later, we pulled onto the campus, and I headed in the direction of her dorm. I’d barely made it a few yards when she whispered, “No.”

“What?”

Bonnie paused. “Go to your dorm.”

Confused, I looked at her in the rearview mirror. Her brown eyes were already on mine.

“Go to your dorm, Cromwell.” There was a shake to her voice. Her cheeks blazed and she held my arm tighter. “If…if you want to.”

It took me a second to catch on.

“Bonnie,” I said and felt her hold her breath. I read her face and saw the fear in her eyes. But not fear of what she was asking. Fear of me saying no.

That was never going to happen.

“You sure?” I asked.

“I want to,” she whispered. “I want you .”

My hands were tight on the steering wheel all the way to my parking spot outside my dorm. When I killed the engine, Bonnie didn’t move. I put my hand under her chin and forced her to look up. I cupped her cheeks. “You don’t have to do this,” I said. A small, shy smile pulled on her lips. Tears filled her eyes.

“I want it, Cromwell. I want this.” She laughed. “I never want this night to end.” She lowered her eyes. “Please don’t make me beg.”

“You don’t need to beg.” I shook my head. “I want it too. So bad.”

I got out of the car. I came around to the passenger side for Bonnie. I held out my hand, and, just as she always did, she held on tightly as I guided her out. We walked slowly back to the dorm. Bonnie was walking slower than normal.

“You good?” I said, checking that she was okay, that she still wanted to do this.

She smiled at me, her hand tight in mine. “More than good.”

The dorm was silent as we entered. When I closed the door of my room behind us, the air felt thick. Bonnie stood in front of me, my jumper practically to her knees. I stepped closer and took her face in my hands. Her brown eyes were huge as she looked up at me.

I lowered my mouth to hers and kissed her. Bonnie sighed into my mouth, and her tense body relaxed. I kissed and kissed her, then broke away.

“Bonnie—”

“I want this,” she said again. Bonnie walked to the light switch and flicked it off. The room was plunged into darkness, all except the light from my desktop computer. Her face was shadowed, but when she turned toward me, I could see her eyes in the blue light.

I let her take the lead. She took my hand and led me to my bed. She sat on the edge then shuffled up until she lay on my pillow. I stopped and stared. The sight of her looking so small and nervous on my bed hit me like a ton of bricks. Her lips were parted, her ponytail splayed on my pillow.

Bonnie slowly held out her hand. Her fingers were shaking. I took hold of her hand and crawled over where she lay. I pushed her hair from her face. In the dark, it was hard to make her out. But her eyes were visible. That was all I needed.

I moved my head down and kissed her. Bonnie’s hand was still in mine. She didn’t let go. She just held on. I kissed her lips. I kissed her until she needed breath. Then I kissed down her throat. I kissed over her shoulder, where my jumper had slipped down her arm.

When I ran out of skin, I lifted my head and met Bonnie’s eyes. “I’ve…I’ve never done this before,” she confessed.

I swallowed. “Never?”

She shook her head. “I’ve never…” She raised her chin. “I’ve never done anything…but kiss before.”

I dragged in a breath and stared down at her. Her eyes were watching me, waiting for my reaction. “Bonnie, I’m not sure I’m the one—”

“You are.” Her shaking hand landed on my face. “You’re the only one who could have this.” Her eyes watered, and the tears tracked down her cheeks. “I tried to fight it, but you never left. And my heart didn’t let me turn away.” Her fingers traveled over my chest and lingered over my heart. Her eyes closed briefly, like she was counting its beat. When she opened her eyes, she sat up, and I got to my knees. She pulled my jumper over her head and let it fall to the floor. Then her hands were on my shirt. She lifted the hem and started pulling it over my head.

I pulled it off the rest of the way, throwing it to join the jumper on the floor. Bonnie swallowed as she lifted her hands and ran them over every one of my tattoos. Over the swirls of color that swarmed over my chest. And over the two swords, lion, and crown that made up the British Army crest. She tipped her head back and her eyes met mine.

I pulled out the band that kept her hair from her face. Her long hair fell down her back. I ran my hands through the strands, and as I did, she leaned in, kissing my skin. My jaw clenched at the feel of her tentative mouth on my stomach. She kissed me again, this time over the tribute I’d had tattooed to my dad. Seeing Bonnie kiss the crest that had meant so much to the man who was my best friend did something to me.

My hands threaded into Bonnie’s hair. I pulled her to my lips. And I kissed her. I was pretty sure I could kiss her all day and never grow sick of it.

“Cromwell,” she whispered against my lips. I broke away, only enough for her to speak. “I need you,” she said, shredding my heart. “I need you so much.”

“What do you want?” I asked, running my lips along her cheek. I was unable to move away from her. I needed to touch her.

“Make love to me,” she said, and my eyes closed. “Show me how it could be.”

My heart thudded in double time at her request. I laid her back down and kissed her again. But as I kissed her, I moved my hands down to her trousers and untied the waist. Breaking from her mouth, I pulled them down her legs. I sat back and looked at her. Her body was mostly shaded in darkness. But I could see enough of her to make out her silhouette. She was perfect. Every part of her was perfect. And I realized just how much I wanted this. Wanted her. I ran my hands up her legs, slowly. With every inch, Bonnie gasped, her back starting to arch.

The sound hit my ears, and deep red squares fluttered in my eyes. My hand touched her skin below her top. It was so warm, so pale. I never wanted to take my hand away. I shifted the material up and over a camisole underneath. Bonnie’s breathing was like a song in my ear, strings commanding me to move. To touch her, feel her, taste her. I slipped the top over her head, watching as her skin turned pink and her eyes grew leaden. I wondered what she was thinking. But when her eyes met mine, I didn’t need words. Her pretty face told me how much she wanted this too. My hand next moved to her camisole. I pushed the material up, exposing her stomach. I paused, just looking at my tattooed tanned skin against her white.

I’d never seen anything so perfect.

“Please leave it on.” Bonnie’s voice made me look up. She pulled her camisole back down. Lowering my head, I kissed her lips just to chase away the momentary flash of worry in her eyes. I didn’t know what that worry was for. But I didn’t need to have her naked. She was beautiful enough, just like this.

I kissed her, licking along her lips. Her breath was warm on my face, and I could smell the vanilla of her shampoo. My fingers traced along the softness of her arm. Her body moved against mine, showing me how much she liked it. My chest swelled. I’d never had this in bed before. Never felt this much for a girl before.

All those before had meant nothing to me. Their faces were all a mass blur. Even my first time was a drunken, meaningless mess. But this felt different. Being with Bonnie, like this, felt different. Bigger somehow. Bonnie’s gaze locked with mine and we just stared into one another’s eyes for a few seconds. It felt like a lifetime before her hand moved down to the fly of my jeans. Her face was filled with nervousness, her brown eyes wide. I laid my hand on top of hers and took the lead. Leaning down, I kissed along her cheek, her forehead, and finally her lips as my jeans came off.

I pulled the covers over us. I thought it might make her feel better. Bonnie smiled at the action, and I crawled on top of her, covering her body with my own. I met her eyes and ran my hand down her cheek. “You’re beautiful.” Because she was. She so bloody was.

A tear slipped from the side of her eye. “So are you,” she said and smiled. I pressed my lips to hers. And as I did, I ran my hands down her waist, over her stomach, and down to her legs. “Touch me,” she whispered, and I shut my eyes, taking a second to breathe.

Violet-blue lines flashed across my mind every time she spoke, bringing me a kind of peace I couldn’t describe. Silver was the backdrop, the color never fading, still bright from tonight at the club.

Bonnie’s back arched as my hand moved. She whimpered and fought for breath. I watched her face in the blue light, trying to soak in every noise and every move. I kissed her shoulder, the same one I’d kissed in the music room. Sweetness burst on my tongue when her peach and vanilla scent drifted into my nose.

“Cromwell,” she whispered. I reached into my drawer and pulled out a condom. When I was ready, Bonnie, now wearing nothing but her cami, held out her arms.

I settled above her, pushing her hair from her face. “You sure?”

“More than sure.”

I never took my eyes off her face. Bonnie’s hands were on my back, holding on tight. I was as gentle as I could be. I didn’t want to hurt her. My breathing echoed in my ears. Bonnie’s eyes were locked on mine. She never looked away. As I built up speed, when her breaths became short and shallow, she never once looked away.

And the way she looked at me…

Her hands ran through my hair, slowly and softly. I lowered down and kissed her. Kissed her lips, and kissed her cheeks. I kissed every part of her face. When I lifted my head, tears were falling down her cheeks. I worried that she was in pain, but when I stilled, Bonnie put her hand on my cheek. “Please don’t stop,” she whispered, her throat tight.

So I kept going, my teeth gritted together at how good it felt. At how good she felt beneath me. But not because I was inside her. Because it was her, looking up at me like this. Brown eyes watering and lips shaking.

Wanting me.

Needing me.

She was my silver.

“Cromwell,” she murmured and held on tighter to my arms. I built up speed, feeling her body warm and her lips part. I couldn’t look away as her head tipped back and her eyes fluttered to a close.

Her hands were gripping me so tight. As she caught her lost breath, she turned her head and kissed my forearm. I stilled, going over with her as a multicolored burst of light shone behind my eyes. Illuminated like the crescendo of a symphony, my soul at peace with the quiet hum of happiness. Tucking my neck into the crook of her shoulder, I breathed as I slowed to a stop.

I breathed in her peach and vanilla scent and just lay there in the darkness. My chest didn’t feel as tight as it usually was. The anger that bubbled like a dormant volcano in my stomach had calmed, so much that I could barely feel it.

I breathed easier.

Bonnie’s hands traced lazy lines up and down my bare back. Her body was warm beneath me. Her breath drifted past my ear. She was still breathing fast.

Finally, I lifted my head and met her gaze. Bonnie’s eyes shone, the tears still falling down her cheeks. I smoothed them away with my thumbs, then kissed her wet skin. Her finger ran down my face. Her bottom lip trembled as she whispered, “Thank you.”

I kissed her in response. Slowly. Softly.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me. Bonnie held me back. I felt her tears on my shoulder. But I didn’t ask her why she was crying. She wasn’t sad.

She was moved .

I rolled us to the side, and she faced me on the pillow. “You have the prettiest eyes,” she said, circling my right eye with her fingertip. She smiled and just about blew apart my heart. “You’re handsome, Cromwell Dean. So handsome.”

I took hold of her hand and kissed each one of her fingers. Bonnie watched me do it. I could feel a sadness in her that I couldn’t explain. As another tear fell, I asked, “You okay?”

She smiled at me. It was a real smile. “More than.” She took my hand in hers and played with my fingers. “I never thought I’d ever have this moment.” She smiled sadly. “And with someone who understands.”

“Understands what?”

“What it’s like to have been born with a song in our hearts.” I swallowed, my stomach rolling at her words. Her grip tightened on my hand, and a nervous expression flashed across her face.

“What?”

Bonnie looked up at me, then said so quietly I almost didn’t hear her, “I saw you. When you were younger.”

I frowned. “I don’t understand.”

Bonnie kissed my finger. “My music teacher showed me a video of you in concert. Conducting music you composed. The BBC Proms Young Composer of the Year.” I swallowed, my chest hollowing out in shock. “I never forgot your name after that day. I listened out for you.” She lifted up onto her elbow. Her hand ran through my hair. “You went quiet. And I always wondered what happened to you. Until I heard of you again. Only this time the classical symphonies had gone, and in their place was electronic dance.”

I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t get my head around the fact that she’d seen me as a kid. Performing. “That’s why you saw me when you were in England.”

She nodded. “I wanted to see you in person.”

Something stabbed in my stomach. “That’s why you said my music had no soul.”

Bonnie lost her smile. “I believe that music should tell a story. I believe that in the notes and melodies there should be some kind of meaning. Music should take you on a journey, crafted by the creator’s heart.” She kissed my lips. “Your music that night…there was no story to me. No meaning.” My stomach fell, but it rose again when she said, “I don’t think that anymore. I’ve seen you play. Heard the music you can create. It’s all soul, Cromwell. The things I’ve heard you play on the piano, they were full of meaning. So much so that it made my heart cry.” Her eyes shimmered. “Never doubt your talent, Cromwell. I see it clearly now.”

“It’s you,” I admitted. Bonnie stilled. “You were right. I’d lost my way. My music…it didn’t have purpose. There was no story. They were just the colors that made me feel the least.” I wanted to tell her why. But even now, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I rubbed a strand of her hair between my fingers. “Since you…it’s felt different. Music. It’s you, Farraday. You’ve made it different.” I laughed to myself. What I was going to say was cheesy as hell. But it was true. “I’m inspired.” She sucked in a breath. “You inspire me.”

“Cromwell.” She shook her head. “I can’t inspire you.”

“You have and you do.” I put her hand on my chest. “Since I met you, music I’d kept away has been filling my head. I’ve played, when for years, I hadn’t picked up any instrument but my laptop.”

Bonnie dropped her head to my chest, and I held her there. We didn’t speak after that. I heard Bonnie’s breathing even out and knew she’d fallen asleep.

I stayed awake until the sun started to rise. I stroked her hair and just held her to me. There was a pit in my stomach again. And my hands itched to create. They always did when something big happened in my life.

And having her with me like this, right now, I knew it was big. Bonnie Farraday had stormed into my life like a hurricane.

It was the first time in a long time that I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

* * *

I woke to the sound of people out in the corridor of my dorm. I blinked in the room, clearing the sleep from my eyes. I felt cold. When I looked to my right, I expected to see Bonnie. But she wasn’t there. “Bonnie?” I called. There was nothing.

I sat up. Her clothes were gone. A sinking feeling dropped within me. I threw the duvet back and picked my jeans and jumper off the floor. The jumper smelled of her.

Where the hell has she gone?

My shoes were on in seconds and I was out the door. The cool breeze whipped at my face as I took the path that led me to the other dorms. I had no idea what time it was, but it must have been late morning or early afternoon. Students milled about, some eating in the quad, some just chilling out.

When I arrived at Bonnie’s dorm, a student was just coming out. I caught the door and walked down the corridor until I arrived at her room. As I went to knock on the door, I noticed it was slightly ajar. I pushed it open to reveal her room.

Boxes were all over the floor. Everything had been packed away. Her bed was stripped, and the walls were bare. I stepped into the room and saw Bonnie sitting on the chair at her desk, her eyes lost as she stared at the box beside her. She was dressed in leggings and a long jumper, all black, and her hair was thrown back in a bun. She was holding a notepad in her hand.

She looked up, and her face drained of color. She didn’t say anything as she met my eyes.

My eyebrows were drawn down in confusion. “I’m moving out,” she said, clearly reading my mind. I was a statue, glued to the spot. Bonnie tried to smile, but then her lip trembled and her eyes filled with tears. “I wasn’t meant to fall for you,” she said quietly. Brokenly. She laughed, but it held no humor. “We didn’t see eye to eye. And it was meant to stay that way.” She tucked some of her loose hair behind her ear. My heart thundered in my chest, beating a million miles an hour.

“But then I heard you play in the music room that night. Saw how it seemed to hurt you, impact you.” She shook her head. “And it did something to me…something I couldn’t seem to move on from.”

A tear fell down her cheek. I watched it travel down her skin until it hit a box at her feet. “I tried to tell you, Cromwell. I tried to tell you we couldn’t be together. It isn’t fair. Nothing about this is fair.”

“You’re not making sense,” I said, a sense of dread eating at every part of me.

She stared at me for a few strained seconds. “I have a broken heart.”

My confusion didn’t lift. Then anger quickly took me. She liked someone else? She’d kissed me. She slept with me, and all the time she’d liked someone else. “You…Bryce?” I asked, my words curt and tone harsh.

Bonnie shook her head sadly. She stepped forward until she was in front of me. She took my hand and brought it to her chest, right over where her heart was. “Cromwell, my heart is literally broken.” Her wet lashes left marks on the top of her cheeks as she closed her eyes. “I have heart failure, Cromwell.” She smiled sadly. Devastatingly. “My heart is dying.”

It was as if a strong wind blew into the room. I couldn’t breathe. My chest pulled tight, so tight that I felt it ripping at my muscles.

“My heart is dying…”

“No,” I said, my voice sounding hoarse and graveled. “No…” I gripped Bonnie’s hand and pulled her to me.

“I’ve tried everything, Cromwell. I’ve had surgeries. Valve replacements.” She sighed, breathing out a slow, controlled breath. I wondered if it was to stop herself from falling apart. “I even saw the best doctor in the world for it, to see if there was anything they could do. In London, this summer.” The reason why she’d been in the UK suddenly became clear.

“Bonnie…”

“But there’s not. My heart is too weak to keep going.” She sniffed and wiped at her cheeks with her free hand. “I didn’t plan for you.” Her trembling hand fell on my cheek. Her hand was cold. “I knew I could never get close to someone. It wouldn’t be fair. To either of us.” She smiled at me, a devastated, watery smile. “But your music made me see you, Cromwell. It called me to you. The boy who hears color.”

Her head fell to my chest. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve had the strength to walk away. But with you…I just couldn’t.”

Bonnie’s legs seemed to falter. I caught her and helped her back to her seat. “You okay?” I asked, then felt stupid. Of course she wasn’t.

Her heart was dying.

“It’s getting worse.” She looked at the boxes around her. Her college life all packed up in cardboard. “I’m fading fast. We knew it was a possibility. But I didn’t think it would be this quick. My breathing is getting worse. My hands and limbs are getting weak.” When she looked into my eyes, hers were haunted. “Soon I won’t be able to play or sing.” Her face contorted, and I dropped to my knees and pulled her to my chest. “Music, Cromwell. I won’t be able to sing.” She drew back and said, “I have to move home now. Things have gotten too hard to be here on my own.” She sucked in a breath. “Then, it’ll be the hospital.”

“No.” I shook my head. “There’s got to be something they can do.”

Bonnie ran her hand through my hair. It was becoming my favorite thing she did. “I’m on the transplant list, Cromwell. That’s all there is left to do. Right now I’m nowhere near the top.” A steely determination set in her brown eyes. “But I’m determined to get that heart. I’ve fought for years. And I am not giving up now.” She took my hand in hers and held on tightly. Her bottom lip shook. “I don’t want to die, Cromwell. I have too much to live for.”

I couldn’t breathe as those words slipped from her lips. I felt my eyes fill and I closed them, trying to chase the tears away. Bonnie just held on tighter. When I opened my eyes, she was watching me. “I would have lived my whole life trying to achieve even a tenth of the talent you have, Cromwell. It’s why I was so hard on you. Because of the gift you have.” Her eyes dropped. “And I think I would have spent my whole life waiting for a boy to treat me as you have recently.” She swallowed. “Last night…it was everything I could have wished for.”

“Bonnie,” I whispered.

“But you can’t be with me for this next part, Cromwell.” I shook my head. “Shh,” Bonnie said. “I should never have let it get that far. But even though it is failing, losing strength, my heart latched itself to yours, and I had to know what it was like. To be with you.” She sniffed and a tear fell. “You made me feel so cherished.”

I needed to get up. To take Bonnie with me and to fucking run from whatever this shit was. But we couldn’t run when the very thing we were trying to escape from, the thing that was dying, was the thing that still kept her alive.

“I’m sorry.” Bonnie put her hands on my face and kissed me. “I’m so sorry, Cromwell.”

“No,” I argued, head shaking. “Don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “But I can’t do it to you.” She stood, leaning on her chair for support. My mind reeled when I thought of her lately. How slowly she would walk. The times she would stop and catch her breath, disguising her reason for stopping as something else. The dark circles under her eyes. The need for so much sleep. The camisole she didn’t want to take off last night. If she’d had surgeries before…it had covered her scars.

“I don’t want to go anywhere,” I said.

“Please, Cromwell. Please just leave it be.” Her hand was tight on the chair. “I have to fight. But if I lose…if that fight is over before I have a chance to try…” She shook her head. “I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t hurt you in that way.”

“Bonnie—”

The sound of footsteps came into the room, cutting me off. A woman with brown hair and Bonnie’s eyes walked into the room. Her eyes widened when she saw me. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had company.”

“He was just leaving, Mama,” Bonnie said. Her voice was still thick with tears.

“Bonnie—”

She leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Thank you,” she said and sat back down on her seat. My mind was reeling.

“No,” I argued.

“Please,” she said, breaking into a cry. I reached forward, but a hand on my back stopped me. I turned to see her mum.

“Please, son,” she said, her accent just as strong as her daughter’s. I didn’t want to leave Bonnie. I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t want to see Bonnie cry. I stepped out into the corridor with her mum. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. My head was a jumble. Bonnie…dying…heart failure…transplant…It wouldn’t sink in. It wouldn’t…

Her mum was watching me closely. Her eyes were shining too. “Give her a chance to get settled at home. Give her a chance to adjust. This is all hitting her hard.”

I stared at her, wondering how the hell she was holding it together. But then I saw her lip shake and realized she wasn’t. She’d just got good at hiding it.

“Please, son,” she said. “We just want to make this as stress-free for Bonnie as possible.” Her facade faltered. “We have to do whatever we can to help her keep up the fight.”

I stared at Bonnie’s door. Then I backed away from the door, toward outside. My head was pounding, my mind trying to take it all in. This couldn’t be happening.

Not now that I had her.

Not after I’d let her in.

I burst through the door and into the cool air. My feet stopped dead and my eyes closed. I couldn’t get my head around what had just happened.

I opened my eyes, and my gaze fell on the quad. On the students laughing and joking, not a damn care in the world.

I wanted to scream.

I stared at the dorm and thought of Bonnie inside. I had to do something. My hands pushed through my hair. And like it did every time I thought of her, music played in my head. Notes danced, all to Bonnie’s pretty face.

I took off at a sprint.

I didn’t know what to do.

She wanted me to go…

…but I wasn’t sure that was something I could do.