Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-four

Lexie stepped into the Cider House and spotted Rachel at the end of the bar, adopting the default position when you're alone in a pub—scrolling through a phone. Lexie rushed over, hot from having legged it across the city. "I'm so sorry I'm late," she said by way of greeting.

Rachel looked up from her phone, sliding it into the pocket of her black jeans. How was Rachel not boiling ? But she looked perfectly cool in her jeans and pale lilac blouse, blue eyes bright. Whereas Lexie was sweating in her summer dress. "Don't be," Rachel said with a smile. "I'm chronically early. It's a condition."

The Cider House was packed with the after-work crowd, but even so Lexie could see why Theo had suggested this place. It had a distinctly "quirky" vibe with its multicolored bar, horizontal rainbow stripes adding a fun feel, and industrial pipes on the ceiling. But it wasn't so trendy that you felt out of place, managing to create a welcoming, homey vibe, and the people behind the bar chatted as they pulled pints. Still, despite the positive atmosphere, there was a beat of awkward silence between Lexie and Rachel.

Lexie fixed a smile to her face. "So…cider?"

"Got to be, hasn't it?" They each opted for different cider to try, then headed outside to the sprawling alfresco terrace, taking a seat down on the lower part. One side of the terrace had a wooden wall, which had been painted a dark green, with different colored apples and pears against the backdrop. And above the pub stood a line of the Georgian buildings Bath was famous for, looking down at them against the evening sky.

Lexie took a sip of her cider and told herself to be careful—it was delicious and she could definitely get carried away and drink it too quickly. "So," she said, keeping her bright smile in place. "How's the house sale going?"

Rachel took a sip of her own drink. "Well, there's a buyer interested, but it's not gone through yet." She set her pint down on the table. "But we don't have to talk about it if you…"

"It's fine," Lexie said firmly. "Honestly." They couldn't just ignore it—and besides, these days she wasn't entirely sure she had actually gotten the short end of the stick. She had to work for the company, yes, had to prove something, and the income wasn't guaranteed—but the longer she worked there, the less black-and-white it had become, and she'd found herself questioning her initial idea that giving Rachel the house had been as simple as declaring her the favorite daughter. Richard had cared about the company, and he'd left it to her—that was saying something, wasn't it? She wondered now if Rachel felt the same way. She'd never shown any sign of it—but had she ever felt bitter that Lexie had gotten half the company? She didn't know how to ask.

"I guess I just feel weird about it," Rachel said now. "Selling the house. It was his home, you know? And I'm just…" Rachel waved a hand in the air to finish the sentence.

"Did you ever visit him there?" Lexie asked.

"Yeah, all the time. He moved out nearly four years ago—after I left for uni—but because of, well, stuff with my mum, it sort of ended up feeling more like home than my own house, in the long run. Then Mum moved too, a couple of years ago."

"After they got divorced?"

There was a beat while Rachel glanced at her, then away again. "They didn't actually divorce."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I'd heard…" That he'd left her—left another family.

"No, I mean, they did separate, they just didn't get the papers or whatever. I think maybe Dad thought it might not be permanent, but, well…" She tapped her fingernails—still bitten down—against her pint glass. "It's been causing a few problems, actually."

"What do you mean?"

Rachel shot her one of those surreptitious glances. Maybe she felt too awkward, talking about this. Really, Lexie, you could have picked an easier topic to kick things off.

"Mum thought the house would go to her," Rachel said. "She thought she'd get more than she did, anyway." Rachel closed her eyes. "That's incredibly callous, I know." Was it any less callous than Lexie feeling jealous that Rachel had been given the house, back in December? Her stomach laced with guilt, which sat there uncomfortably as she took another sip of cider.

"How come they didn't divorce?" Lexie asked. Then winced. "Sorry, that's intrusive."

"No, it's OK," Rachel said, though her tapping on the glass became a bit more frantic. Lexie caught a glint of the same ring she'd been wearing last time—the beautiful sapphire. "It's just complicated," Rachel said eventually—and Lexie knew to let it drop.

"So how's everything else?" she asked instead. "How's…work?" She frowned. "Rachel—what do you actually do for work?" They caught each other's eye, and both burst out laughing, easing the tension between them.

"I'm actually training to be a vet. So lots more studying still for me."

"Wow. How did I not know this?" That was a silly question to ask, all things considered, and she decided to plow on. "So you're super-brainy. Good to know."

Rachel wrinkled her nose. "I think I just work hard. And luckily I'm good at exams. But I suppose we'll see if I'm actually good at it later down the line."

"I was terrible at exams," Lexie said. She wondered where Rachel got it from. Had her dad been academic? She didn't really know.

"My mum was very insistent on good grades and all that while I was growing up," Rachel said, like she was reading Lexie's mind. "Dad didn't seem to mind, as long as I was happy, but she went on and on about the fact that I'd be closing doors if I didn't get straight A's or whatever."

"She must be pleased you're becoming a vet, then."

There was a pause, where Rachel seemed to focus intently on one of the hand-painted apples on the wall. "Maybe she is," she said eventually. "My mum and I…We're not really talking at the moment." Lexie desperately wanted to ask why, and how Richard factored into it all, but she also didn't want to push. Rachel started to toy with the ring on her hand, twisting it one way then the other.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't—"

"It's OK," Rachel said. They were both being so careful around each other, Lexie thought. Like one false move might break this tentative step toward something. "Mum had already made compromises, or so she said." She sighed. "Marrying a divorced man was not part of the plan, and she had a lot of guilt about the fact that she was the cause of that divorce, I think. She's never actually said that to me—we don't have that kind of relationship—but I've come to that conclusion after hours of therapy." She shot Lexie a wry smile, and Lexie's own lips twitched in response.

"I'd always assumed you were the well-adjusted sister."

"Oh, you have no idea. Sorry to disappoint."

"Quite the opposite—we'll have much more in common this way."

Rachel laughed a little. "Anyway, Mum dealt badly with all that—it's probably why she stopped wanting you around." Her voice was apologetic now, and Lexie remembered what Rachel had said when they met before, outside the abbey—that it could have been Jody who stopped Lexie going to Madrid. "She didn't want the reminder that she was a home-wrecker."

Lexie's eyebrows shot up at the harsh phrase.

"I know," Rachel said. "Sorry. Apparently I have a few issues with my mum."

"Therapy?"

"Yeah. I'm a work in progress."

"I think we all are."

It was weird, though. She'd never really thought of Rachel's mum as a real person, despite having met her several times. She'd always just been the woman her dad had left for, nothing more. But still…

"He could have tried harder to see me." It came out in a small voice, and Lexie took a sip of cider to try to mask that. "Even if your mum didn't want me around, I mean. He could have…" She trailed off, not really sure of the right way to finish that sentence. He could have fought for me? Was that what she wanted to say?

"Yeah. And he should have, Lexie." Rachel leaned toward her across the table, as if to emphasize her point. "I loved him—so much. I still love him. And he was there for me—but he wasn't there for you, and that's something I can't understand either."

Lexie swallowed and tried to push down the emotion that rose up at Rachel's words. Tried to keep her voice level as she asked, "So that's why he left? Richard?" She couldn't quite bring herself to say "Dad" in front of Rachel. "Because your mum was difficult or whatever?" And if she was difficult, if she was the type of person to do all this, then why had Richard left them for her?

"No…" Rachel twisted the ring on her finger again. "I'm…I'm seeing someone. It's pretty serious, I guess." She shot Lexie a look from under her eyelashes. Her eyes were almost exactly the same shade of blue as the sky. "I know I'm only young and whatever, but we've sort of made a promise…" She tapped her ring. "We're not getting married now—not until we're more sorted and old enough so that people won't think we're ridiculous, but, well…I'm pretty sure this is it. You know?"

Lexie didn't know. She wasn't sure she'd ever had the "it" feeling—wasn't sure she'd ever even wanted it. But she could tell from Rachel's voice how serious she was. "That's amazing! I mean, yeah, you're young, but maybe if you know, you know?"

"Exactly," Rachel said, nodding. "And I know."

"But, so what are you saying? That Richard left because you're seeing someone? He disapproved or something?" She was trying to follow Rachel's thought process, which had been a bit erratic since she'd started talking about her mum.

"No, he…" Rachel blew out a breath. "My mum disapproves."

"OK…" Lexie said slowly, trying to keep up. "How come?"

Rachel bit her lip, then blurted out, "Her name is Lana."

Lexie frowned. "Right. So is she some sort of, like, drug dealer or something?" She was trying to think of what caused most parents to disapprove of someone on a relationship front—but it all felt very Pride and Prejudice.

Rachel was staring at Lexie a little oddly. "No…She's a she. "

"What? Are you serious? She doesn't like that you're going out with a woman?"

Rachel let out a shaking breath. And Lexie saw the tears coming.

"Oh shit," Lexie said. "Rachel, I…"

"I'm sorry," Rachel said through a sob. "I promise I'm not usually this emotional." She shook her head, her curls flying everywhere. "That's a lie. I'm sorry for lying. I cry all the fucking time, I can't help it."

Lexie laughed, but the sound was panicked. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" But she couldn't figure out what she'd said wrong.

"No, it's just…" Rachel wiped her hands across her eyes, smudging her mascara. "God. It's stupid. I know it's stupid in this day and age, but my mum, she's just not OK with it. My friends are great. Lana is great. And I know it's wrong to be grateful for that, but I just…I was worrying about telling you because…"

Lexie reached over and took Rachel's hand across the table. And she felt a rush of fury for Rachel's mum, though she managed to stop herself from spewing it out loud—she doubted that was the right thing to do in this situation.

Rachel looked down at Lexie's hand on hers, and the sobbing subsided. She blinked up at Lexie. "I guess I don't fit in her perfect little traditional family unit either."

Lexie snorted. "She's the one who had an affair with a married man."

Rachel's breath was a little shaky. "Yeah. I think that's the thing, though—she felt like she had to make up for that with a perfect family. I think…Well, I used to overhear snatches of conversation—you know how you hear things when you're little, because the adults assume that your ears don't work properly?"

Lexie laughed a little. "Yes." She'd seen a bit of that from the other side, nannying in Austria.

"Well, my mum, she always seemed a bit, I don't know, panicked, I guess? That Dad would leave us."

"Like he left my mum and me?" She said the words without really thinking, and Rachel gave her a funny look.

"Yeah, or more like, she was worried he'd go back to you."

Lexie frowned, but she wasn't sure how to contradict that without stating the obvious—that if he'd wanted to come back he could have. And she didn't want to push that, didn't want to make it into a competition between her and Rachel.

"Anyway," Rachel continued. "That's why Dad left."

Lexie took a moment to catch up, then felt her stomach drop. Lana—Rachel was talking about Lana. "Because—"

"No," Rachel said quickly, clearly noting Lexie's twisted expression. "God, no. I mean that he left because my mum couldn't—or wouldn't—accept the fact that I was in a relationship with a woman. And he was trying to support me. I think he thought—we both thought—she'd come around eventually. But that was several years ago now and, well. He didn't leave us, not really. And it never felt like he left me, because he was doing it for me—to stand up for me, if that makes sense."

Lexie nodded and pulled her hand back from Rachel's. She didn't know what to say really, or how to process it. This image of her dad, so determined to stand up for his daughter, didn't fit with the image of him she'd carried around with her for years.

Usually, she wouldn't admit to feeling like this. But after what Rachel had admitted to her, she felt like she owed her something in return. So she settled for honesty. "I'm glad he was there for you—honestly, I am. But I…I don't know what to do with it, this version of him you knew." She felt her stomach squirm uncomfortably at saying the words and she couldn't quite meet Rachel's eye. But she carried on anyway. "I don't know how to feel about the fact that he was there for you, when he could never be there for me."

"I know," Rachel said quietly. "I would be the same if I were you. I can't really say anything to make up for it."

Lexie finally looked at her. "Not yours to make up for."

"No. But…" Rachel heaved in a breath. "Lexie, if you let me, I'll try to be there for you, if I can."

To her alarm, Lexie felt her eyes sting at the total sincerity in Rachel's voice. She nodded, refusing to give in to the lump in her throat, and took a gulp of cider.

Then she bit her lip. "Can I ask you something random?"

Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Sure."

"Have you ever been to Iceland?"

"No. It looks cool, though. I really want to go and sit in one of those hot water things while it's all icy outside. Why?"

"No reason." She didn't think she could find the right words to explain. "And—one more random thing?"

"Go for it."

"Did you ever have a Christmas tradition? Like a family thing or whatever?"

"You mean like Christmas caroling or something?"

"More like something only you and your parents did. Or you and…Dad." Because yes, it felt odd to call him Dad—but just as odd to call him Richard.

"I mean, we did presents and stockings and all that. And we had a Christmas meal all together…" She looked at Lexie, clearly trying to find the right answer.

"So you haven't ever heard of a wish jar?"

"No." Rachel shook her head apologetically. "Sorry. What's that?"

Lexie let out a long exhale, and felt something in her loosen, just a little. "It's…It's just something we did at the office Christmas party a couple of weeks ago." Maybe she'd find a way to explain it to Rachel one day, but not today. She was feeling a rush of relief, at the fact that it was a tradition her dad hadn't just gone on to start again with his new daughter—and she knew how selfish it would be to admit that out loud.

"Right," said Rachel. "Your office does know it was July, right?"

Lexie laughed. "So I told them. It was fun, though. My mum and my friend Fran came along and we all drank mulled wine in Theo's flat and it was just, I don't know, nice and relaxed."

And it was so different, being here in Bath, hanging out with people at the company, from where she'd thought she would be—and how she'd thought she'd feel—back when she got the news in December.

Then a thought occurred to her and she grimaced a little. "I should have invited you." She should have thought of Rachel—maybe she'd have liked to be there.

"Don't be silly," Rachel said with a wave of her hand. "How are you finding it anyway, working with Theo?"

"It's…interesting." She thought of him kissing her under the mistletoe and tried to shove the memory away. Yeah, interesting just about covered it.

Rachel laughed. "I'll bet."

Lexie gave Rachel a considering look. She didn't think Rachel would hate her for asking. "Did you know that he was going to leave me the company? Half of it, at least?"

Rachel hesitated, then shook her head. "No. I don't think anyone knew what he was planning. I only found out he was sick a month or so before he…" She swallowed and looked down at her near-empty cider. "I was so mad at him, for not telling me sooner," she said quietly. "He explained why, that he didn't want the grief to be dragged out more than necessary, that there was nothing anyone could do so he was trying to protect me, but still…"

Lexie closed her eyes briefly against the guilt and the grief that wanted to rise up in her. Yet there was something comforting about being here with Rachel, about knowing that, although they were processing it differently, there were still some feelings they shared.

"But no. I didn't know—though it makes sense. You love to travel, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." She sighed quietly. "I guess no one knew what he was planning. Apart from Theo, obviously."

Rachel gave her a funny look.

"What?" Lexie asked.

"Theo didn't know," she said.

"Of course he did," Lexie said, frowning. "He was so cross at having to share it with me. Dad must have told him before he…"

But Rachel was shaking her head. "He definitely didn't know. I remember talking to him, after he'd found out. He wanted to find out if I'd known, and if I could explain the decision. So he called me—I think there was a meeting with a solicitor about it?"

Lexie nodded.

"Yeah, so he called me after that."

Lexie said nothing, her mind playing catch-up. Had Theo really found out at the same time as her? Or just before, she was guessing—maybe that's why he'd seemed so pissed off in that meeting. He'd literally just found out, and was trying to come to terms with it, like she had been.

"I just assumed…"

"Nope. Guess Dad wanted to surprise you both with it," Rachel said, with a touch of dryness. "Theo was panicking a bit, actually. He knew what the company meant to Dad and he didn't want to mess things up. He can be a bit like that, sometimes. He doesn't always let on, but I know he worries about letting people down. Certain people, anyway," she clarified, with a small smile.

Lexie thought of the way he talked about her dad. She thought of the way he'd bounced around in his early twenties, moving on before he could fail at anything—and how he seemed to need validation for certain ideas. "Yeah," she said quietly. "I think I can see that."

Rachel glanced down at their now-empty glasses. "So. Another cider, do you reckon?"

"Yes, let's. Though maybe we should talk about something nice and easy like the weather over the next round."

Rachel grinned. "Well, we are in need of some rain right now."

"And it is hot even for August in the UK."

Rachel collected the empty glasses to take inside. "Quite so."

And Lexie had a flash of a younger Rachel—maybe around five years old—picking up plastic glasses from the picnic blanket she'd made Lexie sit on. At twelve, Lexie was far too old for playing tea parties, of course, but Rachel had been surprisingly bossy about the whole thing. It made her smile a little. It wasn't a detailed memory, and there was nothing to make it stand out—but it was there. It proved she did have memories of her sister, even if they were mostly buried. And maybe, if she could find a way to let Rachel in, they'd be able to make new ones.