Chapter 17

Chapter 17

"I have done my best to remain patient, my lady, but I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to hold my tongue," Alice said as she raked a brush through Claire's curls.

Claire sat at the bench in front of her vanity with her legs pulled up to her chest and her chin on her knees. She had her arms wrapped comfortably around her legs as she watched her maid brush her hair. It was normally one of her favorite parts of the day because she found the motion to be so relaxing. But if she were being wholly honest with herself, she could not tear her mind away from Dorian and the suddenness with which he had come back into her life.

"What are you referring to?" Claire asked, but she knew very well what Alice meant.

"It is not wholly surprising that you have been so distracted the last couple of days," Alice said. Claire could have picked up the conversation that was offered to her, but she was not sure she was ready for it.

"Have I been?" Claire pretended not to know exactly what her maid was talking about.

The older woman pursed her lips together as she watched Claire's reflection in the mirror and how she would not quite meet Alice's gaze. "I mean the man that was in your bedroom. The one I helped you sneak out of the building?"

"Oh, that," Claire said without any further elaboration.

She tried very hard to focus on her surroundings instead. She looked at the minimal embellishments on her vanity and the wooden surface that was chipped in the corner. She had been meaning to have it sanded down and polished for quite some time now. It was easier to focus on that than the subject at hand.

"That? That is all that you have to say? I desire an explanation! What was he doing here? Is that the first time he came to visit you?" Alice asked as she paused her task.

It would be considered improper to have such questions asked of her, but Alice was her closest friend. Claire heaved a sigh and turned to face Alice as best as she could. "Yes, it was the first time he came here. I do not imagine he will be sneaking in again. I fear that had he not been slightly intoxicated, he would not have even come here in the first place."

Claire was not yet ready to admit the whole truth out loud, not even to Alice. It would make everything feel too real.

"Besides, I think it was rather obvious just what he was doing that night," Claire admitted. She felt her face warm in embarrassment even saying it out loud. She was a grown woman. It was not as if she were a blushing bride. Yet she had remained more or less chaste for so many years that it felt indecent to speak about it out loud.

"Yes, it was." Alice giggled and took a seat on the edge of Claire's bed. "Did you at least enjoy yourself?"

Claire nodded easily. "I did, but I have not yet heard from him. So I wonder if perhaps it was not what he has grown accustomed to over his many years of travel. It would be foolish to think he pined away for me all of this time."

"Is that not what you did?" Alice asked.

"I did have a husband, if you will remember," Claire snapped. "Sorry, I do not mean to be so short. I have just so many things toiling around in my mind and I do not even know where to start."

"Unburden yourself to me. That is what I am here for."

Claire moved across the room to sit next to Alice on her bed. She curled her legs up underneath her and spread her nightgown around her so that it was more comfortable.

"I received an invitation to a garden party this afternoon. I cannot tell you the last time I was invited to any social gatherings of the ton . I am not a part of that world. I never truly was. At best, I mingle on the outskirts. It has always suited me just fine because I have no desire to raise Eleanor around people with such capacity for cruelty and mockery."

Now that she had started speaking, she was not certain that she would be able to stop again.

"I am content in this life. I have to presume that Dorian knows nothing of this invitation or else he would have addressed the letter himself. After all the things that happened between Dolores and myself after Dorian left, I would not like to spend a single minute longer with her than I absolutely have to."

"You think the invitation is a trap of some sort?" Alice asked. She tended to think the best of people. It was a trait Claire once possessed herself, though the years of whispers and harsh gossip that had circulated around her after Dorian had left had mostly stamped those impulses out of her.

"I think everything Dolores does is only ever for her own benefit. I no longer think she is capable of acting kindly to those around her. I would not be surprised if she merely sees me as a pawn to be moved around the chess board of her making. I am perfectly content to have been cast aside by her. The timing of the invitation is too convenient."

Claire sighed. She took a moment to rub small circles into her temples. "But of course, it will be a slight to her if I do not attend. That also runs the risk of incurring her wrath even more."

"I see why you have been so reserved the last few days." Alice sighed. "All of the social politics are so taxing. I do not envy anyone who must navigate such waters."

"If I go, Dorian is most assuredly to be in attendance."

"Ah, is that the bigger of the two issues?" Alice asked kindly.

Claire did not know how to answer. She longed to see Dorian again. That much she was certain of. Would it be better to simply wait for him to come to her? No matter what she chose, she would need to guard her heart. She could not give herself so freely a second time. There was still so much that needed to be covered.

Then again, a smaller part of her thought it was best to simply leave things the way they were.

If he did not come back again, then he would never learn her secret. Would it be best to allow this brief moment to be enough? Now that she had been in his arms again, would she be able to let him leave again?

"I do not know what his intentions are, nor do I know how to ask."

"My lady, if I might be so bold as to offer up an opinion?" Alice placed a soft, warm hand on Claire's knee.

"Of course. Your opinion is always welcome, Alice," Claire said as she placed her own hand on top of Alice's.

"I have served you well for many years now, have I not?"

"You have."

"I have seen you through your marriage and have been by your side since you have taken over all of your late husband's duties to the best of your ability."

"Yes? I fail to see where this is going," Claire said.

"I have never once witnessed you being the sort of woman to shy away from something uncomfortable. In fact, I have always rather admired you for it. I know you have always held your head up in difficult situations because you wished for your daughter to grow up to be the same sort of strong woman that you are. You have set a wonderful example for her. I do not see why this issue should be unique in how you handle it."

Alice leaned closer, speaking gently and from a place of love. "I have never seen you make yourself smaller because of something like this. It concerns me. But if there is any way I could assist you, then that is exactly what I want to do."

Claire had not viewed things that way. She had not realized that was what she was doing until Alice pointed it out. Her spine straightened as she tried to realize the weight of those comments.

"I think, my lady, that you must decide if this man is worth your heart, and if he is willing to work for it. You deserve nothing but the very best. When you find what you want, the rest will fall into place. I could draw you a warm bath if you wish to contemplate things further?" Alice offered.

Claire considered that, too. "Perhaps some warm milk? Thank you for your advice, my dear friend."

"Of course, right away." Alice patted her leg twice and then headed out of the room.

She was correct. Claire needed to stop allowing the vicious rumor mill of the ton to be something that simply happened to her. She needed to take control of her own life and her own future.

Claire had deluded herself over the years into hoping that distance away from Dorian would dull the intensity of the feelings she had for him. She thought perhaps it would fade or that she could find an equal type of companionship and fulfillment.

She had dedicated herself to being a clergyman's wife and a mother to her child. She could not recall the last time she had made a choice purely for selfish intentions.

She needed to see Dorian again. If she was being selfish, she could admit that she wanted his hands on her. The dreams she had had all of those years ago when she had agreed to become his wife were still there inside her. She had merely been ignoring them all of this time.

That did not mean she needed to subject herself to the garden party. Whatever Dolores intended to attempt would not serve her. Claire could be the bigger person.

There had been a time in their youth when they had all gotten along. She could remember it well. Granted, it was well before anything had ever happened between Dorian and herself.

She had hoped, after Dorian had left, for even the smallest chance that they could have bridged that gap back to one another. But that was not how things had ended between them. Now she would rather be anywhere in London other than where Dolores was. Some things just could not be taken back.

A soft knock on her bedroom door announced Alice's return with the glass of warm milk. She set the glass on the bedside table and gave Claire a reassuring smile before she returned to the doorway.

"Is there anything else you should require, ma'am?" Alice said kindly.

Claire was so fortunate to have such a supportive friend. "Is Eleanor still resting comfortably?"

"Yes, ma'am, she is. Shall I go and check on her?"

"No, that is all right. I just wanted to make sure. I always sleep better knowing that she is resting well."

"She is a very happy child, ma'am," Alice said. "Sleep well."

"Thank you, Alice. For all that you do."

Alice shut the door with a soft click and left Claire alone once more with her thoughts. She cupped the glass of warm milk between her hands as she gazed out of the same window that Dorian had come through only a few nights before.

Whatever he was doing tonight, she hoped he fared better than her. Though, she would not mind if perhaps he was thinking of her, as well.