29. Morgan

29

MORGAN

“Can you relax? Your fidgeting is spiking my anxiety.”

I look at Joshua seated next to me on the couch in Carlee and Corey’s apartment. “What?”

He looks pointedly at my bouncing knee.

I plant my heel on the ground. “Sorry.”

“Why are you so nervous? The Ranchers are winning.” He points meaningfully at the score on the bottom of the massive TV screen.

I couldn’t say no when Carlee proposed hosting a small watch party for game six of the Western Conference Finals at her place, inviting a small group of friends to support Dane from afar. But I wish I had.

I’ve done a good job holding myself together around Dane and others lately, but the facade often cracks, especially when I’m not mindful of keeping my guard up.

Watching the game makes me nervous, not just because I want the Ranchers to win but also because so much remains uncertain about Dane’s career.

After seeing his reaction to the trade news at my parents' house, I no longer believe he wants to be traded, as I originally thought. He’s been so angry ever since, and he’s adamant that he won’t play for another team.

While I want to support Dane no matter what, I can’t see him actually calling it quits. He’s at the peak of his career. He’d be a fool to retire with so many good years left in him. And he’s bound to realize that once the fire of his anger subsides.

When he does, I know where that will leave our relationship. With each game that brings the Ranchers closer to the end of the season, the end of our relationship draws closer as well.

Which is why I’m an unstable mess on the inside, barely holding it together around my friends.

“Hey,” Joshua’s voice softens. Concern flickers over his handsome features. “Where’s your head at, Morgan?”

“What?” I blink, realizing I’d zoned out. I can only imagine what my expression looked like to make Joshua so worried. “Nothing. Sorry. It’s been a long day.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

Because you know me.

The rest of the small gathering is hanging out in the kitchen, digging into the Oreo Delight Carlee made for her niece and nephew. Eli is here, too, watching the game, as well as Abby and Andy, while Carter and Valerie are out on a date.

Dane’s brother had been anxiously watching the game next to me until the Ranchers went up by three in the third period. Now, he’s content to watch from afar, keeping an eye out for any miraculous plays by Colorado that could result in them winning. But with three minutes left, there’s little chance of that happening.

“Morgan?” Joshua presses. “What is it?”

I sigh. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to share what’s going on in my head with someone. And Joshua’s proven himself a great listener throughout our friendship.

“I’m worried about Dane,” I confess.

“About winning the game?”

“No, about the trade rumors.”

“Ah.” Understanding fills his gaze. “I’ve heard he’s pissed about it.”

“That’s an understatement.”

He leans back against the couch, extending an arm over the back as he takes me in. “You’re worried what’s going to happen if he’s traded.”

“No, I know what’s going to happen.” My shoulders fall as sadness ripples through me. “And I keep wishing for time to slow down to delay the inevitable.”

“I’m confused. What do you think is going to happen?”

I give him a pointed look. “A long-distance relationship with an athlete isn’t going to work.”

“Are you speaking from experience?”

“I’m speaking from common sense,” I counter, frowning. “What is that face for?”

The usually easy-going baseball player scowls. “I just think it’s shitty of you to write off your relationship because of something Dane has no control over.”

My brows lift at his tone. “I’m not writing anything off.”

“Aren’t you?” He challenges. “You’re basically saying you two will break up if he’s traded.”

“Well, yeah… but I don’t want that.”

“Then don’t do it.”

“I’m not the only person it’s up to.”

“Has Dane said you guys will break up if he’s traded?”

I shift on the couch cushion. “Well… no.”

“Then this is all coming from you.” Joshua’s frown deepens. “What are you doing, Morgan? Why are you trying to sabotage your relationship?”

My mouth falls open. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t,” he demands. “I know you, Caldwell, and we’re more alike than you realize. I know a self-saboteur when I see one.”

I snap my lips closed and avert my gaze.

“Why are you dooming your relationship to fail, Morgan? Are you unhappy?”

My eyes snap back to him. “Of course not!”

“Then what is it?” He cocks an eyebrow. “Why are you dooming your relationship to fail if Dane gets traded? It’s one thing if your relationship has run its course, but that’s obviously not how you feel about the guy.”

“I…” I shake my head, and my frown deepens when I finally admit, “I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

“Has Dane given you a reason to think he’d hurt you?”

The answer is immediate. “No.”

Joshua tilts his head. “Then why are you so sure he will?”

Because of my past experiences.

Because I’m a realist.

Most people wouldn’t be content in a relationship without intimacy for very long, which is a large part of why long-distance relationships don’t work.

Throw in the fact Dane Larson is a god among men in the looks department and a considerate and kind human being, and he will have plenty of women willing to meet his physical and emotional needs wherever he ends up. He won’t need to put in effort to keep our relationship growing.

And why should he? We just started dating. Our lives aren’t intertwined.

I ignore how much that admission hurts.

But it’s the truth. No matter how close I feel to Dane, neither of us has invested a significant amount of time into this relationship. It will suck, but it won’t be hard to go our separate ways.

“What would you tell me?” Joshua interrupts my spiraling thoughts. “If I were in your shoes, what would be your advice if I was crazy about a girl but her job was forcing her to move away?”

I pinch my lips together and think. “It depends.”

“On what?”

“On how you feel about her.”

“Let’s say she’s the first woman I’ve had feelings for in years. We get each other. And I’ve been thinking she might be my wife one day.”

I sputter. “I never said I thought about marrying Dane.”

That would be crazy…

“We’re not talking about you.” Joshua grins knowingly. “Taking all that into consideration, as my friend, what would be your advice?”

I blow out a breath and slump against the couch.

What would be my advice?

I’d like to say I’d stick to logic and probability, but if I truly considered Joshua’s situation, I wouldn’t want him to be so quick to let go of the happiness that has taken him so long to find. He and I bond over our disdain for the online dating scene, but neither of us has had any luck meeting someone out in the wild.

Not until Dane.

“Damnit,” I mutter, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.

“I’m sorry. Is that an answer?” Joshua asks with a laugh.

I drop my hand and level a weak glare on my friend. “Don’t gloat.”

He smirks. “I won’t, not as long as you promise not to break up with Dane when you know he doesn’t want to be traded or move, either.”

The final buzzer sounds on the TV. My eyes snap to the screen. The camera zooms in on Dane’s face. He smiles as his teammates crash together in a celebratory huddle, but I know his smiles. This one doesn’t reach his eyes.

Guilt washes over me.

Dane is going through a hard time, and I’ve been more worried about what it means for our relationship than trying to help him through it. Sure, I’ve delivered the required platitudes to try and reassure him, but I haven’t attempted to actually help him through it.

I’ve been bracing myself for a breakup that I’m pretty sure Dane wouldn’t want. I thought I was being smart. But the truth is, I was motivated by fear.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of heartbreak.

I don’t know what will happen between me and Dane if we are forced to date long distance. I have ideas, of course, but I can’t know for sure.

While I don’t want to live so far from the incredible man, I also don’t want him to give up his dream career. And I absolutely don’t want to lose him.