28. A Compromising Position

Chapter twenty-eight

A Compromising Position

Mila

I sank into my bed with a sigh. It was late. I'd been working for hours past sunset, not unusual for the past few weeks. I kept myself busy to the point of exhaustion. Anything to forestall the thoughts and memories that haunted me as soon as I climbed into bed. I laid down and prayed for a dreamless sleep.

An urgent knock sounded at the door, and my eyes flew open. Who could be looking for me at this hour? Had I been discovered? Heart pounding, I wrapped a dressing gown around myself as I went to the door.

"Alexey!"

Not soldiers come to arrest me, thank Otets. Just Alexey. My heart slowed as I stared up at him.

He looked as surprised to see me as I was to see him. "I'm sorry to wake you," he said, looking anywhere but at my face.

"You didn't. Come in." I lit a candle. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said quickly.

I turned to look at him, raising a brow. "You came to my quarters in the middle of the night to tell me nothing's wrong. Did you need something?"

"No." He blinked twice. "Yes. No."

This was so unlike him. Alexey was usually well-spoken, sure of himself. "You're acting odd. Are you feeling alright?"

He shook his head as if to clear it. "I'm fine. I wanted to see you before I leave."

I frowned, sinking into the chair next to the fire. "Where are you going?"

"We received word from one of our spies, a captain in Borislav's army." He took the chair across from me. "The Grand Duke was taking the army to Sevken, but he's sending a smaller host ahead to take it, hoping we'll be distracted by the bulk of his army. Tsar Miroslav is sending Lord Kazimir to cut them off before they get there."

"Ah." I looked into the fire, watching the flames dance with the shadows. He'd given me a wealth of information in such a few short sentences. One of Borislav's captains was a traitor. Was the traitor responsible for Han's death, the reason Miroslav had been able to get to him?

And Lord Kazimir was going to ambush the tsar's army before they could take Sevken. I needed to learn more.

"Will you be safe? Can you—can you tell me where you'll be? Will you be able to write?" My fear wasn't entirely faked. I'd come to care for him, and he was leaving for battle in the morning. I didn't want him to win the battle, but I didn't want him to be hurt, either.

Alexey reached out to take my hand in both of his. "I don't know if I'll be able to write, but I don't want you to worry. I'll be fine."

I nodded, biting my lip. He hadn't answered my question about where he'd be, and I couldn't ask again without drawing suspicion. But if I got word to the tsar, he'd be able to change his route and avoid the ambush—and hopefully discover the traitor, as well.

Izolda would already be in bed, but so long as I spoke with her the first thing in the morning, our message could reach Tsar Borislav before Kazimir did.

Silence filled the air, along with a strange tension. I glanced at Alexey and found him watching me.

I was wearing nothing but a long linen shirt and a dressing robe. Witness, Steward, and Prophet. No wonder he couldn't concentrate. My cheeks blazed.

"I should put on something more appropriate," I mumbled, but he grabbed my wrist as I stood.

"Don't," he said softly, pulling me onto his knee.

I let him. Otets help me, what was I doing? He smelled sweet and slightly musky, and his hands trailed up my arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

He stopped his ascent at my shoulders. He watched my lips but didn't move closer. He was giving me a chance to stop him.

Did I want him to stop? It had been so long, so long since I'd been touched like this. Since Han had touched me like this.

Han was dead. He'd never touch me like this again.

No, I didn't want him to stop. I needed to forget. Needed to lose myself in sensation.

I leaned forward, and our lips met. Lightly at first, barely brushing together, then deeper, hungrier. My robe slipped from my shoulders as his hands traveled down my back.

I shifted, and he grabbed my waist, moving so I straddled him. My shirt had bunched up above my waist, so there was nothing between us but what he wore. His hardness pressed into me, and an involuntary moan escaped my lips.

His hands roamed over my stomach and breasts, sending shivers of pleasure through me. "I want you." His voice was commanding, so full of desire it was almost a growl.

Otets, I wanted him, too. I reached down, fumbling with the ties on his pants, but he stood, picking me up with him. He carried me to the bedroom and laid me gently on the bed. He kissed me, deep enough to leave me gasping for air, and then kissed slowly down my body, over my shirt. He stopped to press a kiss to each breast, then down my stomach, stopping before he got to where I wanted him most. As he moved upward again, I whimpered. He kissed back up my body, far too slowly, and stopped at my lips. "I have wanted to do this since the moment I met you," he whispered against my mouth.

"I—" I started, but my words cut off when I felt his hand between my legs.

"I want to make you mine." His finger slid inside my drenched center, and I writhed beneath him. "I want to make you moan and see stars and climax with my name on your lips." I did moan, as his thumb traced circles where my thighs met. "And then," he said, fingers moving in rhythm, building the tension inside me, "I want to fill you and claim every part of you."

He touched me steadily, deliberately, until I couldn't see or feel anything else. He whispered something; I could hear his low voice, but I couldn't understand the words over the pounding of my heart.

My release crashed through me. He stroked me as I shuddered, coaxing every last wave. I lay there trembling, the stars he had promised fading behind my closed eyelids.

"I love you, Sofia."

Fuck. Fuck. My eyes flew open, and I jerked away from his touch.

"Sofia?" He didn't move closer, but worry filled his face.

I didn't answer him. By the Blood, what had I done? I tugged my shirt over my legs and grabbed for something, anything, to cover myself. My hands found a pillow, and I clutched it to my chest like a lifeline.

Alexey stepped away from the bed until he reached the wall. His hands were by his sides, palms toward me in what was obviously intended to be a non-threatening manner. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't not look at him. Why was the room so small? I couldn't breathe. What had I done?

"Sofia, look at me." It wasn't a command, but it wasn't a request, either. I swallowed hard and met his gaze. "I will never hurt you."

I let out a sound between a laugh and a sob.

"What can I do?" Desperation tinged his voice.

"I'm sorry," I choked out.

"No!" He moved toward me, but stopped when I flinched. "No," he said again, quieter. "It's not your fault, Sofia."

If only he knew. That's not my name, I wanted to tell him. I'm using you. I'll never be yours. I can't be. If he found out what I was, who I was, he'd hate me. I hated myself.

I'd used him for release, a way to forget my dead husband and the pain I felt. It wasn't fair. He deserved better.

"Do you want me to leave?"

I couldn't make my mouth form the words. I nodded, staring hard into the fire.

He turned to leave, but he stopped in the doorway. "Whatever I did…" He trailed off. "I don't know what's wrong, my sun, but I'm sorry. So sorry."

***

I woke the next morning no more rested than when I'd finally fallen asleep. My shirt was wrinkled, and not just from sleep. I yanked it off and dug in my trunk for a clean one.

Once I pulled my sarafan over my head and belted it, I felt marginally better. I rubbed some oil into the ends of my braids. The scent was familiar and comforting, a rose oil like I used to make from my garden at home. If I closed my eyes, I could almost believe I was back there.

But I wasn't. I couldn't stay in my room forever. I'd hired a new assistant to help with my growing stack of orders, and she would be arriving soon. I needed to go find Izolda. What had happened with Alexey…

I wasn't going to think about it. But before that, he had mentioned things that I couldn't ignore. A captain in Borislav's army was spying for Miroslav. Borislav was marching on Sevken, and Lord Kazimir was going to cut him off before they reached it. Time was of the essence, and no matter what mistakes I'd made during the night, I had things to do in the morning.

My assistant walked into the room as I stepped out of the bedroom. She stopped to pick something up from the ground.

"You have a letter here, Sofia Stepanova," the girl said.

"Thank you." I took it without looking and tucked it in my belt. Whatever it was, I'd read it on the way to see Izolda. I could use the distraction. "I have some things to do this morning, so I need you to pack up Lady Yelena's sarafan and finish cutting the green velvet for Countess Zoya's order. I'll be back by dinner."

"Yes, Sofia Stepanova."

As I walked outside, I took a deep breath. The weather was unexpectedly warm, and I opened my coat, soaking up the weak light of the sun.

I was halfway across the grounds before I remembered the letter in my belt. I pulled it out. It was unaddressed and unsealed. I frowned, curious, as I opened it.

My dear sun,

I folded it up and tucked it back into my belt. So much for a distraction. I wasn't ready to deal with that mess.

Lady Heli kept a predictable schedule. I found her in the gardens, taking her morning walk. Izolda, as usual, was with her, following some distance behind. This morning, the baroness was also accompanied by her husband. They made a courtly picture walking together, her arm on his. She caught sight of me but didn't stop.

"Izolda," the baroness called after a minute.

"Yes, my lady?"

"I believe I'll rest after my walk. I won't need you again until dinner; you may have the morning."

"Yes, my lady. Thank you." Izolda grinned as she walked toward me.

I tried to return my friend's smile, but I could tell by her reaction that the result was less than convincing.

She took my arm. "What's gotten under your skirt?"

I narrowed my eyes at her, trying to decide if that was a figure of speech.

"Oh!" Her face was triumphant. "Not a ‘what' at all! A ‘who!' Tell me everything."

I sighed. For a spy, I could be unbelievably bad at hiding my emotions. Now that Izolda had guessed, I'd never get out of it. I'd have to tell the whole story.

"Wait, let me guess. Was it a certain tall manservant we know? An incorrigible flirt who's been in love with you since he met you?"

I shot her a dark look. "He's not in love with me." He just thought he was, if his words from the night before were to be believed.

"What happened?"

I glanced around, ensuring no one was in earshot. "I have news. Alexey came to see me last night." I relayed the information he had let slip.

"Good." She nodded encouragingly. "We had suspicions that Miroslav had an informant. Anything else? Did he mention a name?"

"No. He was…distracted."

The grin was back. "And why might that be?"

"It was the middle of the night when he came to tell me he was leaving." I shrugged. "I wasn't dressed for company, and he'd come to say goodbye. One thing led to another…" I trailed off.

"Did you bed him?"

"Izolda!"

"Well, did you?"

I bit my lip. "Not…exactly."

Her eyes widened. "What do you mean, ‘not exactly?' Either you did or you didn't."

"No. But we did…other things. Well, he did." I was sure she could see steam rising from my cheeks.

Her grin was positively wicked. "What sort of things?"

"I am not discussing this."

"You're no fun," she pouted.

I looked around again. We were alone. Still, I lowered my voice when I said, "My husband's not been dead three months. I shouldn't be looking at another man, let alone letting him into my bed."

Izolda squeezed my arm. "You're not a bad person for finding comfort after your husband died. It's only natural."

I stopped walking. "I should have stopped him. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I've seen Alexey. I know exactly what you were thinking." She laughed, ignoring my withering look. "You need the distraction. He's good-looking. And you have him exactly where you want him. You didn't even bed him, and look how much he told you. Imagine what he'd tell you if you did." Seeing me about to argue, she went on. "If you were going to get squeamish about things like this, the time for it is long past. War means compromise, Fia, and if you think the things they do on the battlefield are bad, the things we have to do to get them there are a hundred times worse. If you want to get us through this war, you have to play dirty." She let go of my arm. "I need to pass this to our contacts. If a rider leaves today, we can warn the tsar in time to avoid an ambush. I'll see you tonight for supper, right? The Frozen Boar, our usual time?"

"I'll be there."

As Izolda walked away, I pulled the letter from my belt. She was right. I couldn't afford to have scruples about using Alexey for information. Not if I wanted revenge on Miroslav and his men.

And it wasn't ass though I felt nothing for Alexey. He was a good man. I enjoyed spending time with him. If I'd met him in another time, another life, I might even have fallen for him.

I opened the letter and began to read.

My dear sun,

I did not wish to leave this morning on the terms we left last night, but I did not know if I would be welcome. I pray you will not see me as a coward for choosing to leave this letter rather than expressing my thoughts in person.

When you were in my arms last night, I was truly the happiest man alive. The taste of your lips is the sweetest memory, and I will wear your touch into battle with me like armor. Would that the thought is as sweet to you as to me, but I fear, given how last night ended, it is not.

I pray you know that my only desire was to give you pleasure. If anything I did caused you grief or pain, it was unconsciously done. Please, if you feel anything at all for me, grant me the opportunity, upon my return, to rectify the wrongs I have committed against you. If my advances were indeed unwelcome, I beg you not to spare me pain by silence, but to break my heart cleanly.

For now, I leave with hope, for my heart remains with you. I look forward to my return, when the sun shall once again light up my life, but until then, I remain,

Faithfully yours,

Alexey