Chapter Twenty

"No, please. It wasn't my fault; it wasn't my fault." Drew bolted upright in bed, sweat pouring off his face. Strong arms came around to hold him, and he stared into the steady, compassionate eyes of Ash.

"What's the matter, baby? You had a bad dream?" Ash kissed the top of Drew's head and hugged him close. The beat of Ash's heart thumping, so real and strong, calmed Drew, but the violent images of his nightmare remained branded in his mind. He nodded, then rolled away from Ash.

"I'm sorry I woke you. I've had them since my parents' accident." He stiffened, shocked at how easily that confession, never before revealed, slipped out.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ash lay on his side, his face all but hidden in the shadows of the night, aside from the glint of his eyes and the gleam of his white teeth. "You've never really told me about your parents. Unless of course it would bother you too much."

Drew flopped onto his back, the black emptiness of the bedroom perfectly matching his dark mood. "I had the best of childhoods, yet for some reason, I lived in a constant panic it would all be taken away from me. I never liked being alone, thinking that if people left, they wouldn't come back."

From the living room he heard his cat's plaintive meow. Domino, now used to sleeping in his bed, didn't appreciate being evicted. Perhaps he didn't like being alone either. They were alike, he and his cat. Two strays, lonely for companionship. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, determined not to let loose the tears threatening to spill over.

"It was my fault they died." He gulped air down his swollen throat and curled himself in a ball, facing away from Ash.

"I thought they died in a car accident?" Ash sounded confused.

"They did." Oh God, why did he have to have that nightmare? Perhaps he could distract Ash, and he'd stop asking questions. He sat up and grasped Ash around his neck.

"Kiss me?" He tried to press his lips to Ash's, but to his surprise, Ash drew back and sat up in bed.

"You're deflecting, Drew. If you don't want to talk about it, fine. All you have to do is say so. But I think you need to get this off your chest." Ash took his hand and laced their fingers together. "Talk to me, baby. Let me help you through your pain. Share with me; tell me your secrets like I told you mine."

Drew rubbed their entwined fingers across his lips. Compared to what Ash had been through, he had no right to complain. "It's stupid, but when I started college, I lived away from home for the first time, and I missed my parents and my friends. I was so lonely and spent most of my time in the library. I guess I was the nerdy little premed everyone thought."

Ash gathered Drew in his arms, his body a solid wall of comfort. "I bet you were a hot, nerdy premed, though."

Drew rubbed his head on Ash's shoulder, inhaling his heady scent of coffee, warmth and male. "Actually I had few friends. I missed everyone at home so much, I used to beg them to come visit me all the time."

Ash said nothing, merely stroked his hair, occasionally planting kisses on his head and cheek.

"My mother didn't drive, and my father hated taking long trips, but I guess I made them feel so guilty, they finally agreed. We had a great weekend, but on the way home," he took a deep breath, forcing air into his lungs, "a tractor trailer crossed the divide, hitting them head on." Hot tears coursed down Drew's cheeks. "If I wasn't such a needy, pathetic bastard, they'd still be alive. They'd told me they'd almost brought Rachel. For God's sake, I could've killed her too."

He lost it then and sobbed into Ash's chest. The pain and self-reproach that had clawed at him all throughout Rachel's minor breakdown and his grandmother's grief broke free.

"Let it out; it's okay. Baby, it's been over ten years. You need to let it go. It wasn't your fault. It was a horrible accident with your parents being in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Drew wiped his eyes and gazed into Ash's face. "All these years I always blamed myself and tried to make myself a better person. I grabbed on to any woman who liked me, whether or not I liked them."

"Like your ex-wife?" Ash murmured, his hands drifting downward to massage Drew's shoulders.

Drew shrugged. "I guess so. Yeah."

Ash's hands roamed over his body, tweaking his nipples, reaching down to grasp his cock. In between biting his ear and kissing his jaw, Ash licked his neck and whispered, "I think you're amazing with what you've done with the clinic. You care so much about people, and you're so good with the kids. I've never known anyone as good as you."

The gentle caresses turned more purposeful. Hands still clasped, Drew kissed Ash's fingers and wondered why it didn't seem odd to lie in his bed with a man instead of a woman. Instead of soft breasts and smooth, perfumed skin, he now craved a strong jaw and hard muscles to touch and kiss.

It didn't feel strange nor did he find it uncomfortable. He'd known Jordan his entire life and loved him as a friend for almost as long. Man or woman, what did it matter who he slept with, and why did people think it was any of their business? As his body warmed to Ash's touch and his cock swelled with need, everything faded away until the only thing that mattered was this man, their hearts, and how they felt about each other.

"I want you. Make love to me. Now."

In one fluid motion Ash trapped him beneath his body. "You're sure? You want me? It will never be the same after this."

Drew shivered. A hard throbbing need uncoiled from within, releasing something wild. "Yeah. Fuck me. It's all I can think of." He writhed underneath Ash, seeking the friction he so desperately craved.

"Oh God, you're gonna kill me." Ash's strained voice broke, then gasped out raw and needy. "Tell me you have condoms. And lube."

"Night table," he rasped. Drew heard the drawer open and Ash rustling around. Cursing, Ash turned on a lamp, casting a glow of light over the room. A strip of condoms hit the bed along with a bottle of lotion; then Ash came crawling back to him on all fours. Drew lay back, admiring his handsome face and muscular shoulders. Dark hair sprinkled down Ash's broad chest leading a trail down to his cock, which rose up against his taut abs, flushed and hard.

The intense look on Ash's face rocked Drew's mind.

I'm about to have sex with a man—with Ash.

He struggled for breath and his sanity.

"You're sure about this, right? Because I know once I taste you this time, I'm not stopping until I make you mine." Ash swiped his tongue along the head of Drew's cock, licking up the wetness, but never breaking eye contact in a move so erotic, so intimate, Drew almost came right then.

"You know if you keep this up, you're going to ruin your rep as a ruthless bastard." Drew watched Ash's lips, wet and gleaming, curve in a wicked smile.

"Then we'll have to keep it our secret, won't we?" Ash slid his bulk over Drew until their lips almost touched. The smell of sex and man created a heady perfume. Without thinking, Drew wound his arms around Ash's neck and kissed him, the salty-sweet taste of his come bursting over his tongue as Ash groaned into his mouth.

Their cocks bumped and slid even as their mouths devoured each other. A heavy, muscular thigh pushed between Drew's legs. "Want you so bad, baby." Ash's heavy pants matched the throbbing of Drew's cock.

Drew opened his legs wide. "You have to know how much I want this, want you."

Ash dropped his head back down for a quick kiss, then reached for the lotion. Drew couldn't help but tense as Ash's cool, slicked fingers touched his ass, then breached his hole. Everything faded away, all fear and hesitation, at the touch of Ash's finger sliding inside Drew for the first time. He gasped as it sank in slowly past the first ring of muscle, then reached farther until it was settled to the hilt.

"Okay, baby?" Ash's eyes glimmered with concern.

"It feels strange, but yeah, I'm fine." Drew smiled, then groaned when Ash inserted another finger to join the one already inside and curled them upward. "Oh damn, that's strange." It burned a bit and stretched, but no pain.

Ash continued to twist his wicked fingers inside him when he hit something. His prostate, Drew thought almost clinically, then his nerve endings burst into flames and he almost forgot how to breathe. He cried out, sliding down on the bed, greedily pushing against those fingers as they continued to thrust in and out of his trembling body. Pleasure rolled through Drew, so intense and raw he wondered how he'd lived without it all these years.

"Oh God. Please. Now."

He heard the foil tear on the condom wrapper and the slick sliding as Ash rolled it on and lubricated himself.

"Pick up your legs, baby, and put them on my shoulders." The thick, wide head of Ash's cock nudged his entrance, and Drew tensed for a moment. "Ssh. I'll be gentle with you. It's my first time too. I've never been with a virgin, so we'll learn together."

Drew bit his lip hard as Ash reached down to guide himself inside. The pain proved to be much greater than with Ash's fingers, but he knew to relax and keep breathing. Once the head passed through that tight ring of muscle, it was done, and Drew struggled to breathe from the overpowering sensation of having a part of Ash inside him.

"You okay, baby?" The strain and need in Ash's hoarse voice caused a pang in Drew's heart. No one had ever shown him such tenderness and care.

"I'm good. I need you to move."

"Giving orders, Doctor? I'll see what I can do." Starting with short, careful thrusts, Ash pushed deeper and deeper into his body until Drew knew by the feel of Ash's balls against his ass that he sat firmly slotted inside.

Ash began the slide in and out, the push-pull of their bodies moving in pace with the frenzied beating of Drew's heart. Drew shifted, picking up his legs a bit higher, and once again, that blinding streak of pleasure-pain overtook his body.

This time Ash thrust deeper and deeper until Drew thought he touched his very soul. He stroked his cock in time with Ash's movement, his need building, twisting, burning through his blood to pool at the base of his cock.

"Ash, my God, what the hell—" His moans echoed off the bedroom walls as Ash continued to thrust inside him.

Ash gave two hard, almost brutal thrusts, and fire sizzled within Drew, melting him from within. Drew thrust his cock into his fist and came in spurts across his stomach, gasping for air. His ass clenched, and Ash stiffened and groaned as he climaxed inside him. After a moment he carefully pulled out and took care of disposing of the condom, then crawled back into bed.

What would happen now? Drew wasn't stupid enough to think a man like Ash would go for postcoital pillow talk and cuddling, yet still he hoped for some of the kindness and affection Ash had shown before they'd made love.

Because for him at least, it was making love, not fucking. He could hear Ash's harsh breathing as they relaxed side by side. Strange that the man had been so intimate with him, more than anyone ever had been before, yet now, lying here next to him, with every passing minute Drew anticipated not only a physical chasm but an emotional one as well, moving them further and further apart.

"Drew?"

He rolled over at Ash's question but kept his eyes averted. "Yeah?" He braced himself for a brush off. Even remembering Ash's gentleness, he couldn't be sure that wasn't a ploy by the silver-tongued attorney to get what he wanted, and now that he'd screwed him senseless, he planned to make his exit.

"Are you all right? I…I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Drew flashed an incredulous look upward at Ash's concerned face. "You're worried about me?" A kernel of hope built in Drew's heart that Ash might want to stay.

Ash's brow furrowed. "How could you think otherwise?"

"After our last time, I'm not quite sure how you feel or what to expect now." He broke eye contact and looked toward the foot of the bed. Anywhere but at Ash.

To his surprise, Ash slid closer to him, hauling him in tight, pressing his face into Drew's hair. "I feel like the luckiest man alive, 'cause you're so fucking perfect and for some reason you want me. That's all I know." Ash's arms tightened around Drew. "You do, right?"

Once again, that vulnerable, uncertain tone of Ash's did funny things to Drew's breathing and his heart squeezed painfully tight. The magnitude of his feelings for this beautiful, damaged man surpassed anything he'd ever imagined possible. Words trembled on his lips but he refrained, knowing it was too fast, too soon.

"I wouldn't want to be any other place in the world."

Drew turned in Ash's arms to see his handsome face break out in a smile. On impulse he initiated a kiss, slipping his tongue in to tease with Ash's. After an initial hesitation, Ash eagerly responded, and they spent several moments kissing until Drew realized how sticky and sweaty he was. "I'm gonna take a shower." With a sleepy nod, Ash closed his eyes, and Drew climbed out of bed.

Upon entering the bathroom, he looked at his reflection in the mirror. With his jaw scraped almost raw by Ash's beard, his chest all sticky and faint reddened marks on his neck and chest, Drew had to admit he looked thoroughly fucked. He grinned and turned on the shower.

Steam rose in the bathroom, and he entered the stall with a satisfied groan and closed his eyes. Almost too tired to move, he stretched out his hand, reaching for the soap.

"Looking for this?" Soap-slicked hands caressed his chest. "Let me wash you, baby. Take care of you. You had a rough night."

For a brief moment, Drew considered opening his eyes, but the effort seemed almost too much to bear and he smiled his assent. "I'd love that." Between the heat of the water, the sensuous stroking of his skin, and his overall fatigue from the scare with his grandmother, his legs nearly gave out. He could feel himself sliding down the tiled wall, only to be caught and pulled against Ash's hot, wet body.

"Come on now. Let's get you dried off and ready for bed." Ash reached up and turned off the water.

He allowed himself to be led out of the shower stall, where Ash enveloped him in a large towel and dried him off. Ash wrapped a strong arm around him and helped him into bed, tucking him under the thin comforter.

"You need a good night's rest."

"Wait." He reached out and grasped Ash's hand, lacing their fingers together. "You aren't leaving, are you?" The silence stretched out until it became impossible not to speak. "Why? Why do you want to leave?"

"I haven't been asked to stay. I didn't know how you'd feel about me…us. I've never wanted to stay." The bed sagged under his weight as he perched on the edge. "Until now."

Still holding on to Ash's hand, Drew tugged him closer until he could rest his head on Ash's shoulder. "I want you to. Please? Stay with me."

Ash smiled and joined him underneath the comforter, holding him close. His very presence gave him the strength to face the worry from his grandmother's illness and confront his guilt over his parents' deaths. Drew closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.