Chapter Thirteen

His mind cleared; the fog of alcohol swept away, as if a sudden cool rain shower drenched him. Ash waited only a moment, stood, and grabbed Drew's hand, feeling it tremble, then grasp Ash's fingers tight. That small, subtle indication of Drew's trust touched Ash in a way he'd never experienced with a man when they were about to have sex. He didn't understand it, but before Ash knew what he was doing, he stopped and pulled Drew close to hug him tight.

It would be a night of firsts. First time for Drew to have sex with a man. First time for Ash to have anyone in his bed. That it was a man he knew and cared about scared him, but Ash pushed his fears aside to concentrate on Drew. He rubbed Drew's back, soothing not only Drew but himself. "Shh. It'll be all right. I promise." No use alarming the man by telling him how Ash ached for him night after night, not even understanding himself the yearning that brought him to make this move. "You're not afraid of me, are you, baby?" His palm cradled Drew's jaw, the pulse jumping beneath his fingertips.

A shudder rippled through Drew and he spoke against Ash's throat. "Maybe, a little, I don't know." Drew's familiar scent enveloped Ash, mingled with an underlying scent of sweat and fear.

"Let's go inside and lie down." Ash broke their hug and took Drew's hand again, entwining their fingers. They walked down the darkened hallway in silence, but Ash could feel Drew's nerves in the lag of his body and the dampness of his hand.

The sheets lay crisp and freshly laundered a clean unbroken swath of white. The linens, his comforter, everything in his bedroom gleamed of the purest white. Ash needed the cleanliness, that purity around him. He left instructions that the window, no matter the time of year, should be left cracked open. Perhaps for the reassurance that the outside world existed. Or perhaps, he thought, it could be one more escape route should he ever need to run again, no matter it was nineteen stories above Park Avenue. Old habits, especially ones born of fear and pain, die hard, or never at all. Arms around one another, they stood in silence; the room hushed as a tomb.

"Come in and sit. Slip off your sneakers." With a little tug, he pulled Drew nearer to his bed. "Don't be afraid of me. I don't bite." He wrapped his arms around Drew to whisper in his ear. "Not unless you want me to, and in that case the pain is all part of the pleasure."

A shudder ran through Drew, and Ash massaged his back while his lips found Drew's ear. "What's your pleasure, baby?" He blew a gentle stream of air into Drew's ear, following it with his tongue. Drew's body surged forward as he moaned against Ash's shoulder. Ash nibbled and nipped his way down Drew's neck, the pulse of Drew's vein a thumping rhythm under Ash's mouth. "Don't be afraid. I'll never hurt you."

With one sure movement, he slipped his hands under Drew's T-shirt and pulled it up and over his head. Finally, after months of teasing glimpses and his erotic dreams, Ash's hands roamed over Drew's smooth, soft skin. He slid his fingertips down the waistband of Drew's jeans, and with a gentle, yet deliberate touch, brushed the dip of Drew's ass. "Lie down with me, baby." A whimper broke free from Drew's throat as Ash unzipped him, slid his jeans off, and pushed him onto his bed.

Silky black curls spilling over Ash's pillow stood out as the only smudge of color in their white cocoon. The sight of Drew curled up in his bed spurred Ash to join him. His usually sure fingers fumbled as he tore off his pants and boxers, leaving on his shirt, as he joined Drew. Normally he was neat and fanatical about his clothes being put away properly, but right now, with Drew lying warm and mouthwateringly half-naked in his bed, Ash couldn't care less, and left them in a rumpled pile on the floor.

Strips of moonlight gilded the pale skin of Drew's chest. Ash couldn't help but reach out and run his hands up that tight stomach, loving the silken feel of the curls as they passed through his fingers. From beneath lowered lids, Drew's eyes glinted, watching his every move even as his body trembled.

The men Ash slept with followed a pattern; gleaming, waxed, and tanned within an inch of their life. That had always been his preference. Until now. All the silky curling hair and creamy skin dotted with freckles beneath his hands caused an unfamiliar tenderness to swell within Ash's chest. He touched Drew's boxers and rested there, his hands unmoving on Drew's cock. Ash smiled at the dampness of the fabric. Drew might not understand what his body wanted, but Ash did, and the heat and musky smell emanating from Drew's body signaled to Ash all he needed to know.

Drew's gaze rested on him, his eyes black hollows in the near darkness. "I know I'm stupid for telling you how I feel, because you'll think I'm weak. I'm the desperate one here, the one who's out of control. You're in command, and I don't know what I'm doing."

Ash stretched out on the bed and pulled Drew into his arms. His chin rested on top of Drew's curls as they lay side by side. "Is that what you think, that I'm the one in control and strong? Nothing could be further from the truth. It's you. You alone have the power to bring me to my knees with your body, your skin." Almost choking on his emotion and passion, Ash swallowed and breathed deep to stop his voice from shaking. Where did all this come from? He barely spoke to the men he slept with, yet he couldn't stop the words pouring out from his heart.

He smiled, his lips still buried in Drew's hair. The smell of Drew's citrusy shampoo filled his senses. "Baby, I haven't even been inside you, yet there isn't anything I wouldn't fucking do for you. And you say I have the power?"

The truth he spoke lay between them. The truth, and Drew's obvious desire. The tightness in Ash's chest loosened somewhat, and the smile fled from his lips. His hips moved as if they had a will of their own in a slow and steady rub against Drew's. "Hold on to me, now."

Drew placed his hands on Ash's shoulders, and Ash rocked, their shafts bumping and rubbing. The friction tantalized but proved not nearly enough for Ash. He needed to see Drew naked, touch his cock and taste him. God help him, he wanted to give this man pleasure.

He pulled down Drew's boxers, freeing his cock. Throwing one leg over Drew's hip, Ash drove his hips forward, thrusting his cock alongside Drew's until they found a rhythm. He grasped their two cocks, stroking, sliding, rubbing, as their bodies, slick and heated, heaved against one another. Drew stiffened, his chest, abs, and cock pitching up against Ash, frantic and out of control. With a hoarse, strangled cry, Drew came, pulsing spurts across Ash's stomach and chest. Only a few strokes behind, Ash's body tightened, his cock rigid and hot as he jerked and came. Stars sparkled behind his eyes, and he lost his breath for a moment, then fell back against the pillows.

They lay side by side, panting in tandem. Ash glanced over at Drew, and though his eyes remained closed, Ash knew Drew wasn't asleep. As his own breathing slowed and his erratic heartbeat returned to its normal tempo, Ash reached over to take Drew's hand, but froze before their fingers touched.

What the hell was he doing? Nervous and confused, he pulled his hand back and rolled over on his side, away from Drew.

"You know, I'm not waiting for you to tell me that you love me. I told you I wanted this. Nothing's changed, and I'm not sorry."

Somehow, Drew's quiet voice made him feel even worse. "It's not that."

"Oh no?" The hint of a smile in Drew's question relaxed him somewhat. "What is it then?"

Ash rolled back to his other side, still marveling that he had this man in his bed. Naked. Drew lay facing him, propped up on one arm, chin resting in his palm. The moonlight brightened the room with a pale glow, picking up the green glints in Drew's eyes.

Funny, he could talk circles around his opponents in court and had no qualms about fucking men he barely knew, but now, the simplest of pillow talk with this gentle man, someone he thought of as a friend, made him nervous as hell. Probably because he'd never done it before.

"Uh, I'm not used to this." He bit his lip. "I, um, usually don't talk or entertain. Afterward."

Even in the dimness of the moonlight, Ash could see the hurt enter Drew's eyes.

"Oh."

To his shock, Drew rose from the bed, fumbled around on the floor, and slipped on his jeans. "I'll be going then."

Fucking hell . "No. You misunderstood me." He'd never forgive himself if Drew walked out now, feeling as though he'd been screwed and dismissed. With long strides, Ash reached the bedroom door before Drew and grabbed his arm. "Stop. Where are you going?"

Drew yanked his arm away, then pulled his T-shirt over his head and kept walking. "I'm leaving. You made it clear you were done."

Christ, were they ever going to be on the same wavelength? "Drew, wait." Naked except for his shirt, he nevertheless sped after Drew, sensing that if he didn't stop him now, something vital and precious would be lost forever. "Please."

To his immense relief, Drew's footsteps faltered, then stopped, but he didn't turn around. His back remained stiff and unyielding as a drill sergeant. Ash knew he owed Drew an explanation. Above anything else, they were friends first.

"I wasn't talking about you and me." He licked his suddenly dry lips, wishing like hell he had a drink. Something, anything to calm the firing of his nerve endings. Shit, even his hands shook. "I meant that I'd never done it before because I never wanted to. And now I do, but I don't know how."

When Drew turned around to speak, the hurt had been replaced by a wary, yet puzzled expression. He raked his hand through his hair.

"I don't get it. What don't you know how to do?"

"Forgive me, but I tend to argue a point better when I have clothes on." The sense of relief that the night hadn't all gone to shit hit him with a force so overwhelming, he braced himself against the wall. He held a hand out to Drew. "Will you please come back to bed?"

Although Drew did nothing more than nod, those gorgeous green eyes of his flared for a moment, giving Ash hope that the night had not yet ended for them. And as Drew's hand slipped into his, Ash gave it a gentle squeeze, then laced their fingers together. He could almost hear Mr. Frank's voice in the hallway, speaking to him.

"Take a chance, Asher. Open your heart."

And though that wasn't about to happen, he wasn't ready to let Drew go. Not yet. He sat at the edge of the bed, placing his hand on Drew's chest, holding him in place. By now, the moon had shifted, taking its luminescence with it, leaving the room in near total darkness. The way he liked it. The way he needed it.

Without any words, Drew once again removed his shirt, and Ash slid the jeans and boxers down to his ankles. The outline of Drew's smooth, pale cock was visible in the darkness, and without any hesitation, Ash took it in his mouth, hearing Drew's swift intake of breath, then a long-drawn-out moan of pleasure.

And for him? No fear. Only desire.

This wasn't him lying helpless and alone, unable to fight back. He was in charge. He was in control, and that thought spiked Ash's own pleasure, causing his cock to swell with need. Ignoring his arousal and focusing for once on giving his partner the most pleasure possible, Ash ran his tongue on the underside of Drew's cock, then, sucking the head and tonguing the slit, drew the shaft deep into his mouth. He held on to Drew, rubbing his fingers over the swell of Drew's ass, all the while keeping up the sliding friction of his mouth on his cock.

Deeper and deeper Drew thrust into Ash's mouth, and instead of fighting it like he thought he would, Ash welcomed it, wanted it in fact with an intensity that shocked and scared him to his core. For his entire life he'd denied himself the taste of a man in his mouth, thinking only of his degradation and debasement by his foster father. But with Drew pumping faster and harder, whimpering his pleasure, thrusting deeper into his mouth, Ash suddenly couldn't get enough.

He released Drew for a moment and lapped at the smooth head of Drew's erection, then muttered against the glistening tip, "Go ahead, baby, fuck my mouth. Do it." Once again, he, took him down his throat.

Drew held on to Ash's shoulders, his fingers biting into the skin as he threw his head back, groaning his pleasure. "Oh my God."

Ash slid his index finger into his mouth, wetting it with his saliva and Drew's precome. With a gentle swipe, he inserted it in the crease of Drew's ass.

And like Ash knew would happen, Drew came, harder and noisier than he had before, his salty-sweet essence pumping into Ash's mouth and down his throat, his cry of pleasure echoing throughout the room. Ash swallowed it all, then pulled away. For the briefest of moments the old fear grabbed at him, only to be knocked aside as Drew knelt down next to him, laying his head in Ash's lap.

No pain, no hate. No fear.

"I want to do the same for you." Drew's breath puffed by Ash's erect cock, and he touched Ash with hesitant, gentle fingers, but Ash brushed him off.

"You don't have to, baby." He took Drew's hand in his and kissed his palm. "This night is for you. My pleasure is to give you pleasure. Now come." He lifted the soft white comforter. "Climb in and rest some. I'm gonna go take a shower. You look beat and need your rest."

With a sweet sleepy smile, Drew stretched out and snuggled into the fluffy pillows. "I like that Southern accent." He yawned and patted the bed. "Come on and join me. You need to rest too, considering you did all the work."

Tempted as he was, Ash knew he needed to shower. He was sticky, sweaty, and needed to be clean. And clear his head about what had happened.

"I'll be a few minutes." Resisting the urge to kiss him, Ash turned on his heel and left for the bathroom. Once inside he stripped off his shirt, turned the shower on steamy hot and stepped in. With his eyes closed, he stood under the heated spill of water, letting it pummel his face and roll off his chest. He lathered himself up to wash away the sticky remnants of his and Drew's come.

Without any warning, Drew opened the fogged shower door. "I thought I'd come and join you."

He jumped, narrowly missing hitting his head on the shower fixture. "Fuck, Drew. Why couldn't you wait in the goddamn bedroom?" The pounding water beat down over his head and he held his arms behind his back. His gaze remained rooted to the shower floor, and he watched the rivulets of water swirl down into the drain.

He had no idea how long he stood there, until he noticed the water had stopped and Drew stood next to him, his dry warmth pressed up against his wet, shaking flesh.

"Ash," Drew whispered, kissing his cheek. "Come out now. You're clean. Let's dry you off."

Like a child, he allowed himself to be walked out of the shower, wrapped up in a towel, and patted dry. After leading Ash back to the bedroom, Drew tugged him into bed and together they lay down on the rumpled sheets, holding one another. Ash knew Drew expected an explanation, but he couldn't fathom exposing his tarnished insides to another person, not even Drew, the one person he'd been more intimate with than anyone. He'd die before admitting it, but Ash feared if he told Drew, he'd lose him.

Several moments passed and Ash sensed Drew's unease; he shifted on the bed and cleared his throat several times, obviously waiting for Ash to ask what was wrong. When it became apparent he had no intention of speaking, Drew spoke against his shoulder. "Whenever you want to talk to me, I'm here for you. But like you said earlier, make no mistake. You will talk to me, Asher Davis."

Fucking hell . Tired of it all, of everything in his whole fucked-up miserable life, he turned from Drew's arms, sat up and snarled back at him. "You wanna talk? Well, all right, let's talk. What do you wanna know?" He pointed to the white ridged scar on his wrist, a smile twisting his lips. "You want to know about the first time I tried to kill myself, or the last time I cut myself for fun?" he asked, pointing to a fresh new gash.

"Where do you wanna start?"