Chapter 18

Page Eighteen.

My dragon is angry and it's my fault. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have loved them. It caused this.

Pain is all I've known for what is likely weeks, but it's blurred into one endless memory of pain. I don't know when it stopped or when I started healing. I don't know how I'm even alive. The queen is no longer here, but her bite marks and Emyr's are lingering on my wrists. They've wrung everything out of me, broken me in every way that was possible. But probably the worst of it is the fact that Lewin is dead. I can be healed, but he cannot. The vampyre that tried to help me is dead. Kyrell must be heartbroken. I kept my mouth shut so Kyrell would live, and I'm proud of myself for that at least. Emyr snarls somewhere nearby. "Heal her."

"I might need more help with her current condition, your majesty." Kyrell's voice echoes back. "She is in a far worse state than I've ever seen her, and there's only so much I can do to stop someone from dying. I'm going to need more healers."

"I don't want anyone to hear of this. Gossip of my blood slave attempting to escape with her lover is not what I want," he shouts at Kyrell. I can't open my eyes—they are too swollen—but I want to stop him from shouting at Kyrell. "No one else. I don't give a fuck if you die healing her, guard, but do it."

Kyrell's voice is so gentle when he replies, "May I suggest my mother? She is a healer in this sorting district, nearly as powerful as I am, and her magic would be a boost to mine. She would be good here to heal, and she can keep a secret."

I can feel them both looking at me. "Then fetch her, and if she says a word, you will be the one to kill your mother. I want Story looking well by tomorrow, as we have guests."

"Of course, my prince."

The next thing I know, there's a woman stroking my head so softly. "Mother," I hoarsely whisper.

"I'm not your mother, sweet darling girl. I'm sorry for everything and my place in you ending up here." I recognise her voice. Blaire, Kyrell's mother. My eyes sting as I open them to look up at her. Now my eyes can actually open. It hurts to let light in. It's nothing compared to the pain of my body, the broken bones I can feel being mended, and the bites still pouring my blood across my skin. Her magic is mixing with Kyrell's, who is on my other side. Silent tears fall down his cheeks.

My voice is broken from screaming, and I can barely get the words out. "I'm so sorry."

"It was not your fault," he replies, "and even if it was, you paid enough of a price for it all. Don't apologise and we won't speak about him again. I can't."

I gulp, moving my hand and my broken fingers to touch Kyrell's arm. He covers my hand with his, and for a long time, that's all we do. We can't talk about it too much here, where there will be people listening. When the pain is so much better, my bones less broken than before, I glance at Blaire. "Have you seen my mother?"

The magic flickers between them, the perfect mixture of orange and yellow light as she answers. "No. It turns out she's been moved from her district. I don't know where."

Every bit of light dies in my chest, and a familiar darkness creeps back, pulling me under. What is the point of living? It will always be like this, and I never want to feel nearly all of my bones broken, my blood pouring everywhere as he screams at me again. Kyrell touches my chin, turning my gaze from the ceiling to him. "Don't give up. Don't let this beat you. Don't fucking give up on me! I can see it in your eyes and, no, it's not happening!"

I rest my head back and look up at the ceiling. How do I tell him that I gave up a long time ago? That any bit of hope that was dancing in my heart, it's gone, and it really is never going to come back. Emyr beat and drained it out of me. "We'll try again. This is not the end."

But I don't have it in me to hope anymore, to argue with him, so I don't say anything more. For months, I refuse to speak or hope at all. Prince Emyr has won, and I am broken.

I wake up in the apartment, curled up on the bathroom floor with a pillow under my head and a blanket covering my legs that wasn't there before. There is a breakfast tray and a drink waiting for me on the counter, and I blush, remembering what happened in this room last night. I slept with Ziven, my enemy. The frenzy, or heat as they call it, was overpowering, but there were moments there I thought I felt something so real.

I quickly shower, changing into the clothes left out for me, a long-sleeve T-shirt and leggings, and then I pull my boots on. I look at my flushed cheeks as I braid the front of my hair, flashes of me and Ziven coming back to me again. I can't believe that happened. I literally slept with my enemy, and Daegan didn't deserve that. I'm going to have to tell him everything and hope that he doesn't hate me. I have to end it with Daegan after this. It's cruel to keep on with him when it doesn't feel like it's the right thing to do anymore. When one touch from the Moon king sets me on fire and it's not the same with Daegan. We should have stayed as friends, no matter what happened between Ziven and me.

I step out of the room only to come face to face with Ruelle and Hettie. She wraps her arms around me tightly, her tears brushing my cheek. Hettie is next, throwing herself at me, and she doesn't let go for a long time. "You didn't die! I was so scared."

She lost her mother to this. I can't imagine how scary this must have been. "I'm okay. I'm not sick." I don't lower my arms until she lets go first, knowing she really needed that hug.

Ruelle is leaning on her walking stick, looking me up and down. "You seem different."

"I just escaped a horrible death. It does that to you," I quickly answer.

Ruelle clicks her tongue. "Come on, Hettie. You've seen her now and we have lessons. Story is due at the Decidere."

Hettie grins up at me, squeezing me tightly one more time before leaving with Ruelle. Ruelle looks over her shoulder at me. "Good luck!"

"You must have the deities on your side, Trouble." Calix walks in, clapping his hands. "I'll escort you to the Decidere."

I join his side and head to the door, happy to be able to leave. "I don't know if they are on my side or I just got lucky."

"You must be immune," Calix muses. "Maybe because you're from outside."

Maybe. I don't know, but I'm glad not to be sick. The pathways and corridors are full of people, but they move for Calix when they spot us coming their way. I get it. I'd move out of his way if I didn't know he is actually a sweet guy. When I get to the bottom of the steps on the Decidere level, Catherine jumps at me, hugging me almost as tightly as Hettie did. "I prayed for you every morning and night when I heard. How are you?"

"Not sick." I let her go. "And thank you."

Calix clears his throat, and I realise I've not introduced them. I mean, they have lived in this mansion for their entire lives, but there are thousands of people here. "Oh, right. Calix, this is Catherine. Catherine, Calix. He looks scary, but he isn't."

"I'm scary but I don't bite unless commanded by my king." Calix offers her his hand. She looks like a bunny who accidentally bumped into a fox as she takes his hand. "And any friend of Story is a friend of mine."

"I—I," she splutters.

Thankfully, we are interrupted by Etena, who comes over and stands at my side. She ignores Calix altogether, even if he just stares at her. "You're alive then. Are you still going to claim not to be a survivor?"

"Good to see you too, Etena," I say.

She shakes her head at me. "The king is waiting."

"Which one? There is more than just the sun in the sky, Etena." Calix's purr rolls over her, and she straightens her spine before looking at him. The air feels charged as they glare at each other, and it reminds me of how Ziven looks at me sometimes—and how I look at him, too.

"I only look up in the day," she replies, her tone icy. "And do not speak to me."

"Why? Frightened to remember, darling?" Calix teases, but I think he means it. She walks away before he can say anything else, and he laughs, the sound hollow and empty. I'm surprised to see Ziven is here, talking with Daegan. Neither one of them looks happy. Daegan turns my way when he sees me, coming over with a bright smile and kissing my cheek, only because I turn so that he misses my lips.

We need to talk, just not here and now. Ziven glares at us both from the corner of my eye, but I don't dare look at him. Daegan strokes his hands down my shoulders. "You're well. I trusted my sources, but it's still good to see you." He leans in. "Just say the word. I'd understand if you aren't up to the Decidere. I can take you away from it and no one will say a word. Last week can be the last one that you did, and you will still be fantastic."

"No, I'm fine," I firmly answer. I want to do the Decidere. I want to do it for Kyrell, and for myself. I know I don't have anything to prove to anyone, but I'm not giving up and taking the easy way out now. "I'm just glad I'm not sick."

Ziven steps up to my side, and the words that leave his mouth make me want to punch him. "We did enjoy our time together. She tastes and feels delicious." He stops as Daegan looks furious and the words hit home. "Or have you not had the chance to have her?"

My cheeks burn as Daegan looks between us before he moves right in front of Ziven, his hands glowing. Ziven curves his hand and smirks. "Go for it. Make this day interesting."

Calix steps up between them. "Remember that everyone is watching as you two fight over her. Both of your people are frightened enough with all the changes, and if they see you fight, war will follow."

Ziven's eyes drift to me. "You're right, my friend. I do not fight over her." There's nothing but that cold bluntness left between us as his words stake their place in my chest. And it hurts. It meant nothing to him. I don't know why my stomach feels like it drops. It shouldn't have meant anything to me.

I lie easily, effortlessly. "Ziven is right, it was nothing. He was helping me. I was in a frenzy…but you call it heat." I look him up and down. "One night that can easily be forgotten."

Ziven laughs, cruel and bitter as he walks past me, pausing to lean into my shoulder, to whisper in my ear. "Liar."

He leaves with Calix, and I blink the tears away, refusing to let him see me cry. I am a liar. I couldn't possibly forget that night, how he felt, because he has ruined me for anybody else. Daegan is facing away from me, and my heart clenches. I do care about him, and I never meant to hurt him. "Can we talk about it after the test?"

Daegan turns around and tilts his head, smiling. "For a second there, I thought you'd lost your mind. It's okay, going into heat, it's uncontrollable and you couldn't leave. All that matters is that you're alive and you're still mine. This won't—he will not come between us." He possessively kisses me on the forehead before I can get a word out. "Now go, the Decidere must begin."

He walks away before I can even get my head around the fact Daegan just accepted that. Before I can ask since when did we agree that I was his? I feel like I'm playing a dangerous game between these two kings. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand where the writer of the book I'm reading is coming from. Standing between the sun and the moon means certain death, but I want to live.

The stone doors click open to the Decidere, and the cheering begins, so loud it blocks out the sound of my racing, confused heart. Catherine's eyes are wide as I walk over, and before she can ask, I shake my head. I don't even have enough time to explain to her everything that happened, but I will talk to her after this. Right now, we have to focus. She must know more about going into heat than Daegan or Ziven is going to tell me.

She leans in. "Are you okay?"

Maybe she can make me feel a bit better about it all, about how I went utterly mad with need. "No, but I'm ready for this."

She gives me a worried glance but runs by my side behind the others, into the Decidere. Of the eight left, all of them run over straight towards the pillars except for Fritz, who goes to the steps before us, rushing down. We are running that way when a dragon jumps down off the ceiling, not just one of them, but two. They smother the steps as they roar at each other, fire spitting in every direction. I don't think they have even noticed us.

My hands shake as the giant, powerful stone dragons slam into each other, and one wraps its massive mouth around the other's neck. I step back at the same time as Catherine, mentally thinking of what to do next. The bridge. Another dragon lands on it when we turn, its back to us. Catherine leans in. "What do we do?"

The dragon on the bridge stretches its long legs out, its wings falling off the sides of the bridge and knocking off bits of it like rubble that falls and splashes into the water. It opens its mouth, a blaze of fire heading straight towards the people running for the pillars. A scream follows, along with the horrific smell of burning flesh that fills my nose seconds later. The two dragons on the stairs are fighting still, and I know we can't get past them.

There is an option, but it's not one I want to take. "We need to jump off the bridge, straight into the water before that dragon turns around."

Catherine gulps. "Okay." She takes my hand. "Together, we got this." We both run straight towards the dragon on the bridge while it's distracted, getting as close as we possibly can to the middle of the bridge. It turns its head back, its rows of glittering white teeth ready to snap, and fire heads straight our way. I jump off with Catherine right before the flames can engulf us, a scream climbing up my throat, but this time I hold it in, refusing to let the blackness take over before I turn around, pointing my arms out and diving straight into the water. Seconds later, I see Catherine in the water as I swim up, gasping as I break through the water's surface. Flames have poured down the steps from the dragons fighting above, illuminating everything in a dark orange glow. We swim towards the pillars, and I pull myself out, water dripping from my hair and clothes.

I wince as the dragons above make more noises, slamming each other into rocks. "Why are they fighting?"

"Territorial, I'd guess," she answers as she looks around. "But get to your pillar before they sense us." She's completely right. I don't have time to wonder why dragons are fighting as I turn around and run towards the pillars. Catherine is right behind me for a few minutes before she carts off towards hers, and I search the pillars for the light. A panic laces down my spine as I hear more dragon roars and echoes of them getting closer. Those giant beasts, they could just crush me so easily, and I really don't want to be in the way when they fight.

I barrel down the pillars, hundreds of them passing me by. Where is it? Finally, I see a red light near the wall, a pillar that's almost half-eaten by the rocky wall edge. I don't wait before throwing myself at it, knowing that I'll appear on the other side and in the test—it's safer than out here.

I stumble, heavy boots holding me down. In fact, all of my clothes are heavy because they are armour. My clothes have transformed and I'm now wearing full armour and scratchy cotton under it. The metal is the deepest purple colour, tinged with red. I glance around and realise that I'm not alone. There are rows of soldiers here, so many of them, and they're marching forward. I'm one of them.

A soldier bumps into me from behind and gives me a warning look, and I quickly turn around and get back in line, marching along with the others in the thick desert sand. I can taste the sand in the hot air, and the sun shines down on us, almost as warm as the air. Every breath heats my lungs, and I'm sweating within seconds. I need to find out where I am. I move closer to the soldier next to me, noticing how he's ridiculously tall compared to me, but thin underneath his armour. "Where are we going?"

The soldier has a helmet on, and I wonder why I wasn't dressed in one. "To fight the dragons. They've come to our land and they've killed our people. Where else would our army be heading? Of course we're going to fight the dragons."

My heart freezes in my chest. I wonder what in the deities is going on? For at least ten minutes, all we do is walk before I hear them, and my mouth goes dry. The unnatural growl of a dragon echoing in the air, the sense that suddenly we aren't the predator but the prey. The smell of fire and smoke engulfing my senses until I can't do anything but breathe it in.

A dragon suddenly flies above us, his stone wings spread out, and a fire rains down in a line where it flies. I barely manage to jump to the side to avoid being burnt, but the man I was speaking to, he's gone. Nothing but bones are left, still burning with red flames. I scream in horror, stumbling back and tripping, right onto another dead soldier that is little more than burnt armour. In a panic, I crawl to my feet, my hands sticky with mud and ash before I start to run. I need to get as far away as I possibly can.

I'm going too fast, not looking where I'm headed, and I run straight into the path of a dragon as it lands in front of me. My foot lodges in between two rocks, and I'm stuck as I come face to face with a dragon. Blood stains its massive grey teeth, and fire lingers at the back of its throat as it looks at me. A group of soldiers run at it, spears high in the air, and it turns, sending waves of hot fire from its mouth. As they scream, I cover my ears, slamming my eyes shut. "This isn't real. This isn't real."

"Here!" A spear is shoved into my hand, and I open my eyes, looking at a soldier standing in front of the dragon. "For our dynasty. Stab this monster straight through its mouth. All you have to do is pierce its skin, and the venom will kill it. Make your death worth it."

"What?" I question, my eyes widening as I look at the spear that's placed in my hand. It's heavy, and the end is dripping with something that looks like silver paint. The soldier inclines his head before he starts running away, leaving me trapped. I reach down, pulling at my foot, but it is too lodged between the rocks, and I can't escape.

My hand shakes as I look at this beautiful creature as it turns back to me, and I can't do it. The spear drops out of my hand, and the dragon pauses. For a second, I think it's going to show me mercy, but that's foolish. Dragons do not show fae any mercy. It opens its mouth, and a furious, damning fire pours into me, setting every inch of me alight. I scream and scream and scream until I realise that I'm not burning anymore. I'm actually cold.

I open my eyes and shiver, finding myself sitting on the bridge in front of the pillars, faintly smelling of smoke but not a single burn on me. The doors ahead slide open as I lift my hand up in the light. On my right hand, there's another mark.

Killing the monster was never part of that test. It was letting the dragon live even if it meant I would die.