Chapter Nine

As we left Remiels home, something occurred to me.

“Hey, Jesus, was there anything in the Ark?” I asked.

“In the Ark?” He shuffled his Birkenstocks over the golden stones, but they didnt make a sound, just glided as if he were walking over water. “Oh! Inside the Ark?” He made a motion with his hands like he was putting something in a box. “Yeah, a few things.”

“You did open the Ark and make sure they were still in it, right?” Azrael asked.

“Ummm.” Jesus chewed at his lip. “Someone must have.”

“Unbelievable,” Horus muttered. “Look, Vervain, we dont like leaving Astie with other people too long. Katie and I are going back.”

“Horus,” Hecate scolded. “Shes with Samantha. Sam is great with the kids. Hell, she should open a god-babysitting service.”

“You know, thats a good idea. Ill run it by her,” I said.

“I dont care if Asties with the best babysitter in all the realms, I dont like leaving her with people who are not us,” Horus said.

“Go,” I said. “Dont worry about it, Katie. Weve still got the rest of—”

“Um, if theyre going,” Hades said with a wince.

“If you have kids to get back to and you want to leave, go ahead,” I said.

“Thanks, V!” Persephone kissed my cheek, the scent of fresh grass and flowers wafting over me. “We left Princess at home with Cerberus, and those two always get into trouble.”

“That damn dog is a bad influence,” Hades muttered.

“He certainly is,” Sephy said.

“I meant Princess.”

I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing. Princess was a Pomeranian we rescued from the Zombie Apocalypse (long story). Sephy had fallen in love with the dog, and since Hades loves Persephone, he put up with the little yappy puffball. But I think he secretly loved the animal too. Every time I visit, I catch him slipping the dog treats.

“Its fine,” I said. “Kiss the puppy for me. And I mean Princess, not Cerberus.”

Persephone giggled. “Hades would never let me kiss Cerberus.”

“Cerberus would never let you kiss Cerberus,” Hades drawled. “Goodbye, everyone. Well check in tomorrow.”

The God Squad made their goodbyes to the two couples, but Thor and Pan were good with staying.

“I want to see the Ark!” Pan said.

“I dont think were allowed,” Azrael said.

“Aw, come on,” Jesus waved us down the street, in the opposite direction that the others had gone. “Whats the point in being king if I cant get my friends backstage?”

“Yes!” Pan punched the sky. “I knew you were gonna be an awesome king. You are the coolest.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Its Pan with a P,” Pan teased.

Jesus grinned. “Pan the man. But not the Man.”

“Thats right. Wait. Is that a compliment or an insult?”

“Its a compliment.” Jesus pulled out his joint and finally lit it. After a deep inhale, he sighed, puffed again, then passed it to Pan.

“No, J, youre the man,” Pan said as he took it.

“But not the Man.”

“Got it!” Pan puffed.

We headed back to the holy dais or whatever its called. The place where they kept the throne. Oh, and the Guf, although thats technically beneath the throne. Well, in front of and beneath. Whatever. Thats where we went.

After climbing the steps, we passed the empty throne, and I smirked at the also empty space behind the throne, where the Cherubim used to fly and taunt Jerry by crying “Holly, Holly, Holly” instead of “Holy, Holy, Holy” as they were supposed to. Their little loophole with the human belief. Jerry was usually too drunk to notice or care. But the Cherubim were gone now, living their best Cherub lives, while the King of Heaven led us past the Guf (I didnt look at the floating souls) and the Throne, into the Home of the Ineffable Light—also known as the J-mans crib. As we entered, I put my gas mask on again. Just in case the trickster had bleached the Ark. Once burned, twice shy.

Our now slightly smaller group strolled down the hallways with Jesus, and I immediately noted all the changes hed made. It was kinda hard to not notice. First of all, the GRAYEL was in one of the front rooms, taking up a lot of space with its holy, shiny machinery. But that was to be expected. What lifted my brows was the sign above it that read, “God helps those who help themselves. So help yourselves, my friends.” And there was a fancy sideboard next to the GRAYEL with stacks of those red plastic cups you use at parties as well as individual bags of chips, jars of candy, and boxes of chocolate. The J-man liked his snacks. Oh, and there was a recycling container at the end of the sideboard. What Jesus did with those recyclables I had no idea.

In addition to this, the bright, airy rooms were now cluttered with fuzzy rugs, squishy couches, posters from the 60s, lava lamps, bean bag chairs, macrame curtains, and way too much color that was combined in all the wrong ways. One of the rooms was lit by a blacklight, setting assorted paraphernalia aglow. And dont get me started about the greenhouse I spotted through a window.

“Did we accidentally walk into a hippie commune?” Blue whispered.

I glanced back at him and Eztli, both of whom were looking around themselves with a mixture of shock, horror, and a tiny bit of awe.

“It makes him happy,” I whispered back. Then I held up my fingers in a peace sign and said, “Let it be.”

Eztli snorted a laugh, and Blue stared adoringly at her. Oh, how that warmed my heart. I loved seeing my friends in love. Especially friends like Blue, who had gone through so much to find his love.

We went past a dining room furnished with a low table, very Moroccan (loved it), and cushions around it instead of chairs. Then there was a room with very little furniture, only a DJ stand in the corner, mirrors on the walls, and a disco ball hanging above the polished floor. I shook my head and carried on.

At last, we passed through a bead curtain and into yet another make-love-not-war room, heavy on the love. A mattress was piled high with cushions in one corner, a low table held an assortment of . . . lets call them pleasure enhancers, and the ceiling was covered in mirrors. It was the 60s version of Res bedroom.

“Oh, now this I like,” Re said, right on cue. “J-man, I didnt know you had it in you.”

“Im a lover, not a fighter.” Jesus grinned. Then he whipped off the cushions and fringed blanket that was covering one of the couches.

Except it wasnt a couch. It was a box about six feet long by two feet across. A gold box. What I had thought were the arms of the couch were four carved Angels, standing two to either side of the box and holding bars between them to form handles. Words were carved into the boxs sides, but I couldnt read them. They werent Latin. I was guessing they were whatever Moses spoke. Was that Aramaic or Hebrew? I think it was Hebrew. Whatever. I didnt speak or read it, and it covered the box.

“Im sorry,” Thor said, blinking his Caribbean quartz eyes. “Is that the Ark of the Covenant?”

“Yup.” Jesus grinned. “I thought Id hide it in plain sight. Im tricky like that.”

“As a bench in your love den?” Azrael asked in horror. “Brother, Im sorry, but what the fuck? What the actual fuck?”

My eyes went wide, but Jesus just burst out laughing.

“Jesus!” Azrael growled.

“No kidding,” I muttered. “I mean, Jesus H. Christ! This is bizarre.”

“Thank you, Carus.” Azrael waved a hand at me.

“Is this a bong or a sexual device?” I held up the thing Id been referring to. It was glass, long, and filled with water but also phallic.

“Oh, I was wondering where I left that.” Jesus took it from me. “Im glad you didnt touch the end. I havent sterilized it yet.” He waved a hand over the thing and the Light of God coated it before winking out. “There you go. Its copacetic now.”

The room went silent.

The Re exclaimed, “Why have I never thought of that?! Damn it, I could have been cleaning my sex toys with sunlight this whole time! Centuries Ive wasted. Centuries!”

“Okay, so that answers my question.” I looked down at my hand and wondered if I should set it on fire. Just briefly. I was also glad that I had put my gas mask back on.

“Have you lost your mind?!” Azrael shouted. “Have all of you lost your damn minds?”

“Babe, relax,” I said and went to pat his shoulder. Then I realized what hand I was about to use and jerked it back. I encased my hand in fire, let it burn away anything that may have transferred, then commenced with the patting. “I think its brilliant. No one would come in here looking for the Ark. In fact, if anyone did invade the, er, inner sanctum, theyd probably take one look and turn tail.”

“Exactly.” Jesus waved a hand at me. “Expand your mind, Brother. The Ark is safer here than behind a ward.”

“Its not even warded?!” Azrael shrieked.

“Is it really that important?” I asked. “What can this thing do? Im assuming it doesnt melt faces like the one in the movie.”

Jesus looked uncomfortable.

“It melts off faces?” I gaped at him.

“No, of course not,” Jesus said. “Thats human imagination.”

“Oh, okay.”

“It just obliterates. More like an atom bomb.”

“What?!” I screeched.

“A very precise atom bomb,” Jesus hurried on. “I guess its like a laser-bomb.” He made his hands into the shape of guns and said, “Pew, pew, pew.”

“This is the best day of my life,” Morpheus whispered.

Mrs E. grimaced at Morph, but he was too busy staring at the Ark to notice. I wasnt sure if he was reacting to the Ark or Jesus Christ going pew, pew, pew with his laser fingers. For me, it was the latter. And I had to agree with Morpheus; best day ever.

“Um, are we going to open it?” Finn asked. “Or are we going to continue to discuss the King of Heavens sexual deviancy?” He tapped a macrame swing and set it to swaying.

“There is nothing deviant about love,” Jesus said.

“You tell him!” Re said.

“Just open the fucking box,” Brahma huffed.

With an annoyed look at Jesus, Azrael went up to the Ark and unlatched the lock. He opened the lid, then cursed, “Oh, for fucks sake.”

I hurried over with everyone else and we peered into the Ark. Inside was a can of Pringles, a plastic fairy wand in neon pink, and one of those fake stone grave markers for pets. It read, “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever” and it had a picture of a Pomeranian on it.

“Oh, fuck,” Jesus said.