Chapter 2

brOOKE

Idrive around for about half an hour and end up at a park Nate and I used to go to as kids. Seeing Chase was like being hit by a sledgehammer. It made me feel off-kilter. I've shoved those emotions and thoughts deep inside the last few weeks, but one second in his presence and I felt that pull. I need to keep him at arm's length if I'm going to do what I need to.

They make me weak. All three of them. Asher told me to be strong a few weeks ago, and that's what I did. I toughened up, but seeing Asher look at me with such relief in his eyes when he saw me, well I know he thought there was a possibility these guys took me, and I hate I made him feel like that.

They're being stupid right now. This isn't a small-time gig of catching the guys who abused Ellie. It's not about just going after the guys that killed Nate. This is bigger, and we don't know how big it is. The way James spoke made it sound like a whole organization when he said he acquires girls. We need to find who's in charge, how big this thing truly is, and burn the tree from the roots so that every branch is set aflame. The only thing I want is to see ashes. I want to watch it and them burn so they never have an opportunity to do this again. There is no vengeance or justice for Nate or Ellie. The only thing there is, is the all-sucking void they left behind.

They're probably sitting there talking about how they're losing me. I scoff. What a joke. They lost me the second Nate was killed because of their arrogance. I have to laugh. I've killed more guys than them now. Granted, I probably wasn't as careful as I could have been either, but I guess grief does a funny thing to you. I feel a little hollowed out, but sitting in that truck after killing those guys, I think I finally realized Nate wasn't coming back. If anything, it made me more determined.

I walk over to the swings, taking a seat on the one at the far end. He used to push me all the time on these growing up. There was something about flying high and feeling the wind in my face that gave me a feeling I cannot describe. We were here a couple of months ago. This was our place. We came here every day after high school and still visited often to reminisce and talk about life. Normally we would be laughing, sharing memories, or even creating new ones. We would talk about our lives till the sun set. I shared my dreams with him, and he shared his hopes of playing pro football one day. He told me once his dream was to see his wife and kids in the stands cheering him on. All of that was wiped out in a split second.

Nate will never play professional football.

He'll never hear the cheers from the stands as they shout his name.

He will never see his kids wearing his number on their shirts.

He'll never have the life he dreamed about, the house he described he wanted to live in, the children playing in the yard shouting out daddy as he returned home. Nate was a dreamer like me. His dreams were always around football and family, the boy was as wholesome as they came.

But all those dreams are gone now. They slipped away the night he died. Tears slide down my face as I look at the empty swing beside me where he used to sit, and I choke on a sob. Everything he was, gone in an instant to save me despite what I had done to him. I hurt him, but he still sacrificed himself to save me, and I don't deserve it. He should be here, not me. He should have let me die. All I wanted was true love, but I know now I was just a silly girl playing make-believe and as the tears fall from my face and into my hands on my lap, I know I can't do that anymore.

I can't pretend. I can't be with Chase. I can't let Asher and Jax protect me any longer. A lot has changed in those few weeks I was away, including feeling an icy cold darkness seep into my veins. The darkness killed that idealistic girl that night, the night I lost everything and everyone. I won't let Nate's sacrifice be for nothing. The cold settles into me, and I'm glad for it. It's much better to be numb than hurt like this. I watch my last tear fall on my thigh before I use my jacket sleeves to wipe them away.

I just sit in that park for a while, not really even thinking about anything. Everything is numb right now. I like it. That numbness is quickly becoming an old friend of mine, one that wraps around me like a comforting blanket.

I decide to go and see Jax. It's been a couple of hours since I left his house, so I'm hoping he's on his own. I didn't want to see the others yet. I wanted to speak with Jax alone. I need him, and the guys making their stupid comments made me forget why I went there in the first place.

I drive in silence to his house, checking my face in the mirror. Mascara is littering my cheeks, so I wipe it off and make myself presentable. Thankfully, Chase and Asher's cars have gone. I walk up the path, pulling my jacket closer around me, and push against the door. He always leaves it open, but this time it's locked, so I knock. A few seconds later, he appears, opening the door. Standing there in gray sweatpants, his abs and chiseled chest on show. His hair is a little messy.

"You're back."

"I am."

He opens the door wider to let me in, and we settle into his living room quickly. I take a seat on the long couch, and he grabs his white T-shirt, pulling it on before sitting beside me.

"How come you came back?" he asks, his head in his hand as his elbow rests on the back of the couch.

"I wanted to talk to you without the others around. I didn't think they would be here earlier."

"Yeah, well, Chase has been here all day, every day, pretty much since you left, except for when he needed to be home with his family. The funeral was rough for all of them."

"I know, I was there."

He looks at me, studying my face. "I didn't see you."

I nod softly. "I snuck in. That day wasn't about me. It was about Nate. It was a nice service—lots of people turned out for him." My voice cracks, and Jax's hand falls to my arm as he tries to soothe me.

"We could have been there for you, you know. We wanted to be."

I nod. "I know, but I couldn't have that. I still blame you guys. That's not going to go away. You got sloppy, and Nate paid the price. You lied to me, and now he's gone."

"Brooke, I…"

I cut him off, shrugging his hand away before I stand up.

"I don't want to hear it, Jax. I don't want apologies or regrets. It happened, and there's nothing we can do to change it."

He looks at me pensively. "So, what do you want?"

I tilt my head. "I want to burn the world down and stand in its ashes. But I can't do that, so I'll settle for taking out this group that killed Nate, but we need to be smart about this moving forward. I want your help tracking these guys." I open my bag, handing him four phones. "These belonged to the men I killed. I can't get in, but I know you can."

He takes them off me, placing them on the side. "I can do that, but Chase isn't going to like you being involved, B. He loves you and wants you safe."

I scoff. "Chase doesn't get an opinion on what I do or what I'm involved in. I don't care about how he feels."

Okay, the last part is a lie. The fact Jax can openly tell me Chase loves me makes me want to curl up into a ball and sob or scream and throw shit. But deep inside of me, another part is happy about that. I feel it warming me, chasing the darkness from me, but I need it. I need that cold, so I quickly shove that back down deep. I don't have time for it, and I don't want to feel it.

"He's my best friend, Brooke. He's hurting really badly right now. He lost his brother and his girl in one night."

I take a seat on the chair again. "He wasn't a brother to him. This shit with you three saw to that. Nate resented him for how you guys treated him." He opens his mouth, and I hold my hand up, silencing him. "I get why okay, but I can't change the feelings I have in my heart because of that."

Jax sits in silence for a few minutes. "I understand, you know Asher and I love you, B. Okay? And even though you might hate us a little right now, I want you to know that. We all will do whatever you need because you're a part of us, and I'll make sure Chase knows it, but B, don't hate us forever. Okay? I can't stand the thought of losing you, too."

I swallow hard. His words resonating in my soul. I wish I could promise that, but right now, I can't. "I'll try" is all I can come up with.

He nods, "That's all I can ask."

"Do you have anything to drink?" I ask, and he smiles, nodding.

"There's beer in the fridge if that's what you mean."

I get up walking into his open-plan kitchen as he watches me grab two bottles from the fridge. I open them, throwing the caps on the side before stepping back and handing him one. Jax's house is gorgeous. His living room and kitchen are all in one and it's modern and very neat. Neat is the only way to describe it because everything has its place. He winces a little as he watches me throw those bottle caps to the side. He likes organization, and usually, he would kick my ass for doing that, but this time he leaves it.

"Can I stay here tonight? I don't want to go home just yet. I'll go back tomorrow, and I need to see Harper, but tonight…" I trail off before he pulls his arm around me. I curl my feet under me on the sofa, resting my head on his chest as I feel him kiss the top of my head. "Of course you can, Brooke. You can stay as long as you want. Just no trying to get in my pants. I'm a guy that needs to be wined and dined before that."

I laugh, and it's the first genuine laugh I've had in a while. "I promise, but one day, you're going to give it up."

He chuckles in reply.

"Where are the guys? I doubt they all just went home."

He looks down, clearing his throat. "I don't know, B."

I laugh bitterly. "Yes, you do. You just don't want to tell me."

He smiles weakly. "They're at the ring."

The ring is an abandoned warehouse downtown. It's run by the Twisted Brothers, they're all a little older than Chase, and they went to school with them. They're into deep shit that I've stayed away from, but I know they have a fighting ring down there, and rumors tell me lots of girls, drinks, and drugs too. They're not really brothers, at least not blood. I guess they're like Chase, Asher, and Jax in that sense. They've been inseparable since they were kids and get into all sorts of trouble. They are gorgeous, a little like hell's angels. Angelic faces, but inside, they're messed up. I've heard stories about what happens to people who cross them. I know Chase went down there to fight. People used to tell me he was a monster in that ring. Part of me wants to see it. To see that mask slip away and show me his true face.

"He's fighting?"

Jax nods gently, taking a swig of his drink.

"He needed to work some things out."

I just nod in reply. We just sit there in silence for the rest of the evening. I drink my beer, placing it on the table and then curling back into his chest. For the first time in a long time, I feel a little at peace with myself. Jax was always calming but I don't think I ever noticed it to this extent before. My mind is quietening, and I just give myself time to breathe as he keeps me close, stroking my arm, and before I know it, I feel my eyes closing, and for the first night since Nate died, I have a dreamless sleep.