Chapter 19

brOOKE

An hour later, we're dressed and I'm sitting on the swing I sobbed on a couple of nights ago. Chase stands over me, looking awkwardly at the seat beside me.

"You can sit there, you know."

He shakes his head. "I don't feel right sitting in his spot."

I roll my eyes. "Chase, it's a public park. I'm fairly sure lots of people have sat there. I get you're trying to be respectful, but you're making me nervous hanging over me."

He sighs, taking the seat on the swing beside me.

"Are you ready?"

"I don't think I'll ever be, but I can't hold on to this forever, and I need to know what he thought before he…well."

I look down at the note I've turned and fiddled with in my hands for the last twenty minutes before finally unfolding it and opening it up to read it.

Brooke Tink Brooke.

I love you.

I'm sorry

We have been friends—best friends for years now. I can't say you're like my sister because that would be weird, considering how I feel about you.

I regret I hate everything I said to you. I love you, and hurting you was the worst thing I have ever done. I can't say I'm happy that you didn't choose me because I think know you will end up with him. I was blinded by my feelings for you that I didn't see your feelings for him and his for you.

There are times I hate my brother, truly. My relationship with him over the last few years hasn't been the easiest. I don't think he truly thinks of me as his family. All he cares about is his friends. But occasionally, I do see him, the brother that used to look after me as a kid, the brother I looked up too. The brother I love.

But a few years ago, something changed. There's something wrong with him inside; he's broken, but he won't tell me what happened or why. I think out of everyone, you will be the one he opens up to, and maybe you can help him, help fix him somehow. Despite how much I love you and hoped you would be mine; I think you being the one he loves is more important somehow. I think you were made to help fix him.

I can't be happy about you two being together, at least not yet, but I hope one day I can be.

I decided to take the opportunity the Jaguars have offered, and I'm leaving today. I'm going home and packing my stuff up and going. I won't be in touch, not for a while. I need to find my new dream. Because I understand now that the dream of having you by my side, being a part of my family in the way I hoped for, was just that, a dream.

I hope one day we can be You're still my best friend, Tink, and that will never change. I just need space for a while.

Please don't get in touch, I'm going to change my number and my email. I need time alone and time to move on, and if and when I'm ready, I'll reach out.

I don't want you to read this and blame yourself. The truth is it's no one's fault. We just weren't meant to be, but I am so grateful for having you in my life, even just as a friend.

I love you, Brooke, my Tinkerbell.

Nate.

Tears fall from my eyes and land on the page as I read each word aloud. My voice cracks as Chase sits in silence, and I take in the crossed-out lines, the anger and pain as he scribbled things out wanting to say what was in his heart and not just the anger and pain spilling onto the page. He was going to leave, but he came back. Why? Why did he come back to the house? If he didn't, he would still be here.

Chase stands up, walking away to the tree line. He curls over, his hand reaching out to the tree to keep him upright. I pause for a moment, just watching him try to deal with all of this. I can't let him do this alone, I think, gathering myself up before joining him.

"Are you okay?" I ask stupidly, and he shakes his head at me.

"He hated me. He knew something was wrong with me. And I just pushed him further away," he says quietly.

"We can't change things now. He's gone. The only thing we can do is get these guys and try to move on from all of this. Live a life that Nate would have wanted his brother to have."

"Yeah…"

He stalks silently over to where he parked his car. "I need to go. Get in the car, and I'll drop you home."

"Wait." I run after him. "You said things wouldn't change between us. Now you're cutting me out again."

"Because this isn't your business, Brooke."

"Of course it is. Nate is dead because of us. Everything is my business."

He turns around, glaring at me. "Get in the car or don't."

"If you're gonna treat me like shit again, then I won't."

He grabs my arm, dragging me to the car door.

"Chase, stop, you're hurting me."

He lets me go, looking down at his hand that grabbed me. His breath is heavy before he sinks to his knees and rests against the car door.

"Baby, speak to me. We can't do this again."

"I can't, Brooke, not about this, not yet."

He looks up as I lower my knees to the ground.

"Why?"

"Because you'll hate me the way he did, and I can't bear you to look at me that way again."

"I can't hate you, Chase."

"You will." His fingers caress my cheek just briefly before getting in the car suddenly. He leans over and opens the passenger side from within, and I quietly get in the car.

We drive in silence as I ponder what's going on with him. Was anything Nate said in that letter surprising to him? He knew his relationship with Nate wasn't in the best place. So much for closure. Part of me wishes I burned that note with the rest of the stuff that day in the backyard, yet for me, that note gave me something other than anger and hate to drive me forward. It gave me hope.

I drop her off at her house to get changed before she meets Levi. She gets out in silence.

"Brooke, wait."

She stops her hand on the door like she was about to slam it.

"I'm sorry, it's a lot."

She just looks at me, expecting more but no words come.

"I'll see you later, Chase." She slams the door and I watch her walk into her house before starting the car up again.

I need to come clean to her, but the thought of her hating me again, I can't bear it. I hurt her today by grabbing her arm, something I always swore I wouldn't do, but I think I'm hurting her more by keeping this secret. She can see it eating me alive.

I wasn't a good brother—Nate was right. I think I used to be before, but even now, he's being a good brother to me. Trying to fix me, giving Brooke that final thing to push her to forgive herself for what happened between them.

I spent a lot of time angry at the world, pushing away everyone I could. I wish I could say it was just to protect them, but that wouldn't be honest. I didn't want people to see the darkness inside of me, what I was capable of if someone pushed me. I have my girl now—she's my peace. Yet there is something between us threatening to tear us apart again, and I don't know what I'll do if I lose her.

I only hope one day I can fix the wrongs I have made in my past and that starts right now.