3 Timid Hearts and First Sights
Timid Hearts and First Sights
Savannah
New York
"A RE YOU ALL PACKED? "
I looked up from where I was sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, lost in thought.
Ida stood before me, her long, dark hair down in soft waves and a dimpled smile on her pretty face. Mama and Daddy had brought me to New York to catch the flight to our first stop on the therapy trip. We were to meet in the airport, where I would meet the rest of the kids going, and our two therapists, of course. I had video-called with the therapists a few times and they seemed nice. It didn't take my nerves away though.
Ida had refused to stay behind in Georgia, insisting on coming to see me off.
I pressed my hand over my closed suitcase. "I think so." Ida had shared a room with me last night. She'd regaled me with stories from school and the latest gossip from the cheer squad she was part of.
If sunshine was personified, it was Ida Litchfield.
Ida dropped beside me on the bed and threaded her hand through mine. I stared at our intertwined fingers, her bright pink polish next to my clear. Ida placed her head on my shoulder, and just that simple act of sisterly affection brought a lump to my throat.
"I don't want to go," I confessed on a whisper, feeling the fluttering in my heart that ignited the anxiety I knew was preparing to strike.
Ida squeezed my hand. "I know …" She trailed off, and I knew she had stopped herself from saying more. I waited, unsure if I wanted to hear it. But then, with a shaky inhale she said, "But I need you to." The sudden sadness in her tone was a knife straight through the heart.
I stilled at her confession and turned my head to look at her. She kept her face down, head tucked into the curve of my neck.
"Ida—"
"Please …" she said, quietly begging, then slowly raised her head. It gutted me to see her usually happy eyes crushed with sadness. A sheen of tears washed over her green irises. My heart began to race. Ida glanced at the window showcasing JFK Airport, then looked back to me. "I need my sister back," she finally said, and I felt that knife slice even deeper. I wanted to say something, but guilt infused my cells, making it impossible.
"Losing Pops …" Ida trailed off, a lone tear spilling over her left cheek. I dusted it away with my thumb. Ida gave me an echo of a grateful smile.
She took a deep breath. "Losing Pops was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life." I placed my free hand on her knee. "But seeing Mama and Daddy in the aftermath … seeing you …" Ida paused, and I knew she was back there, reliving those first few months after Poppy's death. The darkest days we had ever endured. The aftermath, the knowing that nothing would ever be the same again. "Seeing what it did to you all … that hurt most of all. My family. My perfect, beautiful family was irreparably hurt, and I couldn't do anything to make it better. Mama and Daddy were crumbling. Poppy, our perfect Poppy had gone, and I missed her so much I couldn't breathe, but …" Ida cut herself off.
I tugged her closer. "What? Please, tell me."
Ida shifted and looked me in the eyes. "But I knew I had you. I wanted to cling to you, Savannah. To be sure you didn't leave me too."
My breathing stuttered. Ida was so young when it all happened. Old enough to remember it all but too young that it must have been almost impossible to process her grief.
"I used to sneak into your room at night, just to be sure you were breathing."
I didn't know.
"Ida—"
"I held on to the fact that although Poppy was gone, I knew she was in a better place. I could just feel it, in my heart. After all those years in pain. Fighting to live …" She shook her head. "I can't explain how; I just knew she was watching over us. Whenever I thought of her, I felt a subtle kind of warmth wrap around me that I can't even describe. At times, in our house, I felt her presence, like she was walking right beside me, sitting on the couch next to me." She laughed in a self-deprecating way. "It brought me so much comfort. Still does. It probably sounds silly—"
"It doesn't," I said reassuringly. In fact, in the beginning, I'd prayed for that too. I had asked Poppy for a sign so many times and nothing had ever come. I'd just wanted to know she was okay. That her life hadn't truly ended. That she was somewhere better than this world, laughing and loving, maybe reunited with our Mamaw, who she adored so much. That she still loved us and was around us, helping us cope with her irreparable loss.
"But the thing I've found hardest since we lost Poppy …" I held my breath, waiting for what she would say. Ida's shoulders dropped and she whispered, "Was that awful day … I lost you too."
Whatever had been left of my heart was obliterated, Ida's words having the effect of a grenade. Ida's hand became a death grip around mine. "I watched you fade, Sav. I watched you turn so into yourself that you became impenetrable. You built walls around your heart so high that no one could breach them." Two more tears fell down her face. "Not even me. You locked us all out." Ida exhaled a long, slow breath. "Just under four years ago, I lost two sisters, and …" Her voice caught and it destroyed me. She cleared her throat and rasped, "I just really, really want you back."
The pain in her voice made me feel nauseous. Because she was right, wasn't she? I had pushed everyone out. I'd let my little sister suffer and I'd done nothing to help her. But it wasn't on purpose. The walls had built themselves without my direction and trapped me deep inside. And I'd let them.
I was still there now, but hearing what it was doing to Ida …
It took me too many minutes to speak, but on a deep breath, I confided, "I don't know how to come back." This time Ida wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I've been trying, Ida, I promise …"
"I know you have." Ida wrapped her arms around me. The moment she did, my racing heart calmed a touch. "I'm so proud of you for how much you've tried, but I need you to go on this trip. Not just for me, and not just for Poppy, but for you ." Ida pulled back and cupped my cheeks. There was so much love and encouragement in her eyes. "You deserve to live, Sav. You are so loved and so special, so smart and beautiful and kind, and you deserve to be happy." Ida's throat became clogged again. "That's all I want for you. Happiness. Pops would want that for you too."
I stared at my sister and fought against the voice inside my head telling me to resist, that I didn't need to go. That I was fine. That I just needed more time, more therapy with Rob back at home. Therapy that I had been having for years … that hadn't worked … because nothing was working …
"Okay," I said, betraying the fear inside of me, and held on to my sister tighter. Poppy had always been my older sister, the one I went to for everything. But I was Ida's older sister now. The one she should be able to go to, to confide and trust in. So I had to try. For her, I would try.
A sudden knock on the door startled us. Ida laughed at how hard we jumped, and I found myself smiling too. "Girls, it's time to go," our daddy said from the hallway.
Ida ducked her head to meet my lowered gaze. "Are you okay?" I could see the worry in her eyes. The fear that she had said too much, pushed me too hard.
I felt raw and rung out, but I held her tighter. "I'm okay." It was a lie. We both knew it. And we both ignored that fact.
"Who knows," Ida said, smirking. "Maybe there'll be some cute boys going too. To make the trip just that little bit more bearable."
I rolled my eyes at her bright smile. "Ida, I'm sure I won't care."
Ida grasped my hands. "Or foreign boys. Ones with accents and romance running through their veins."
I shook my head at my little sister as we got up from the bed and grabbed my jacket and luggage. I ignored the trembling of my hands and the butterflies swooping in my stomach. Ida threaded her arm through mine, and we headed out into the hallway. Mama and Daddy were waiting. Mama stepped forward, worry etched on her face. I'm sure it looked like we had been crying.
"We're okay," I said, before she could ask. I squeezed Ida's arm. "We're … we're going to be okay."
I just hoped if I told myself that enough, I could somehow make it true.
JFK airport was as loud and bustling as I had expected. My daddy led us in the direction of a bunch of people who were grouped together to the side, away from the lines and harried clusters of travelers frantically checking arrival and departure boards. I immediately recognized our therapists, Leo and Mia, from our video calls. Ida still linked my arm, my steady support, but seeing new, curious faces turn to look at me had my nerves skyrocketing and me wishing I was anywhere but here right now. I counted four other teens around my age with their families too. They all looked over when my daddy reached out to Mia and shook her hand.
"Savannah!" Mia said and held out her hand to me next. She had short, blond hair and kind blue eyes. She looked to be in her mid-forties and had a warm smile. Leo introduced himself next. He was a taller man in his fifties, with ebony skin and beautiful dark eyes. Leo and Mia had told us on a video call that they were psychologists who specialized in grief.
My daddy took my bags from me. "Savannah, let me introduce you to the others who are going on the trip," Mia said. Ida released her arm from mine, and for a moment I almost refused to let her go. Ida met my eyes and nodded in encouragement. Tucking my shaking hands around my waist, I took a deep breath to stave off my burgeoning panic and followed Mia, leaving Leo talking to my parents and sister.
First was a girl with tan skin and dark eyes. "Savannah, this is Jade."
"Hi," she said, greeting me shyly and waving her hand. She seemed to be with her father and her grandparents.
"Then we have Lili and Travis." Lili had curly brown hair and blue eyes; Travis had red hair and black-rimmed glasses. They both waved unenthusiastically. It seemed like no one was excited about this trip.
"And this is Dylan." Dylan stepped forward and gave me a hug. I froze, unused to being around people so tactile, but then I awkwardly hugged him back. He gave me a wide smile when he pulled away. Dylan had dark skin and the most beautiful caramel eyes I'd ever seen. He was tall and slender with a gentle and welcoming smile.
"That's almost all of you; we're just waiting for one more—" Mia stopped mid-sentence. "Ah, here he is now."
I turned and momentarily stopped breathing when I saw a tall boy approaching us. He had dark brown hair—short on the sides but longer on top—that fell over his forehead messily in thick waves, and a myriad of tattoos and piercings. He was broad framed and clearly worked out—physically fit, maybe a sportsman? He was dressed in all black and kept his gaze to the floor as he followed who I assumed were his parents. I found myself watching him as he got closer. He seemed to be just as closed off as me, and for a moment, there was a flicker of camaraderie in my chest toward him.
"Hello, Cael," Leo said, and the boy finally raised his eyes. They were stunning. Crystal blue—almost silver in tone. They were the most striking eyes I'd ever seen. As if feeling my stare, he brushed off Leo's greeting and turned my way. My heart stuttered as he blinked, his long, dark lashes brushing over his cheeks. "Come. I'll introduce you to everyone."
Cael and Leo stepped toward us. I dropped my gaze but still felt Cael's eyes on me. Leo introduced Cael to the rest of the group, then finally reached me. "And this is Savannah," Leo said, and on a deep breath, I lifted my head. Cael stood right before me, and I had to tilt my head to look him in the eyes.
"Hi," I said, and Cael nodded in greeting. He tipped his head to the side, as if observing me more. His jaw clenched and he wore a stormy expression on his handsome face.
I felt heat rise to my cheeks but was saved when Leo announced, "Okay, that's everyone." He smiled. "It's time to say goodbye to your loved ones, guys." Any warmth that had built in my face drained as I faced my parents and Ida. My heart immediately kicked into a sprint, so much so it made me lightheaded. I tried to focus on my breathing, on not breaking at the first challenge I faced.
Mama came straight forward and wrapped me in her arms, I hoped she didn't feel me shaking. I could hear a hitch in her breathing and felt a few stray tears fall on my shoulder. I gripped on to her tighter and had to battle with myself to let go. "You are going to do amazing," she said and ran her hand up and down my back in reassuring strokes.
I nodded, unable to find my voice. Mama stepped back and Daddy wrapped me up next. "You call us at any time, okay? We're only a phone call away." I nodded, and he reared back, meeting my eyes. My bottom lip trembled, and by the sadness engulfing his face, I knew he had seen it. "I'm so proud of you, sweetie. This will be so good for you. I just know it." He coughed and pointed upward. It took him a few moments to speak. "And she'll be watching you. She'll be with you every step of the way, carrying you through." His words, although kind, were a sucker punch to the chest.
"Yeah," I whispered, holding myself together. I wouldn't fall apart. I had to do this. I had to.
"My turn!" A single laugh broke through the darkness of my anxiety as Ida wrapped her arms around me in an almost-suffocating hug. "I love you," she said simply. I felt those words down to my bones. I was doing this for her. I was doing this for all of my family.
"I love you too," I replied, sounding much more confident than I felt. When Ida withdrew, she was smiling at me, dimples popping. "I'm so proud of you." I nodded, unable to speak. "Call and text me. I want to know everything, every single step of the way. And photos! Lots of photos please!"
"I will." I stepped back, and each footstep felt like my feet were made from granite. I really didn't want to go. Everything within me was screaming for me to refuse, to board the flight back to Georgia and return to my normal life. But I knew my normal existence wasn't good for me. And as I took one last glance at my mama and daddy, at my sister, and the tears building in their eyes, I knew I had to be better for them.
I had to be better for me .
Picking up my carry-on, I joined Mia and Leo. Most of the others had already said goodbye to their families. When I looked up, Cael shrugged off his father's hand on his shoulder rather aggressively and walked away from his parents, a severe look on his face, not even giving them a goodbye. He came to a stop next to me, body stiff and mood dark. But I felt his body warmth like I was beside a furnace. On my other side was Dylan.
"You ready, Savannah?" Dylan asked.
I shrugged, and Dylan nudged me affectionately, trying to be a comfort. "Let's see if they can help us, huh?" Despite his playful tone, I caught the flicker of despair in his voice, and his infectious smile lost some of its splendor.
As I glanced at my family once more, my heart began to race, and the anxiety I had fought back barreled into me at full force, knocking the air from my lungs. My body jerked, and my hand immediately went to my chest. I gasped, trying to find some much-needed oxygen. My hands shook terribly, and I felt a bead of sweat build on my forehead.
"Savannah?" Mia came to stand before me, and I saw Mama and Ida step forward in my periphery. I breathed in through my nose. I turned to my sister and Mama, caught the worry on their faces, but held out my hand to halt them. They immediately stopped, and I cast them a watery smile.
I had to do this on my own.
"Savannah, can you talk?" Mia pushed, gentle concern lacing her question. Ringing had begun in my ears, keeping me locked in my panic, but after a few measured breaths, the ringing slowly faded, and the overwhelming sound of the airport came crashing in like a sensorial tidal wave.
I faced Mia and nodded. My body felt weak, and exhaustion quickly set in—as it did with every anxiety attack I'd ever had. My nerves were wrought.
"I'm okay," I said shakily, and Mia placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, a flash of what looked like pride flickering on her face. I cast a glance at my family. I saw the deep worry on Mama's and Daddy's faces. Ida's eyes were glossy, but she smiled and blew me a kiss. I smiled at my little sister and fought to gather a modicum of composure.
"Okay, let's go," Leo said, and Dylan stepped closer to me.
"You good, Savannah?" he asked.
"Yes, thank you," I replied. I appreciated his concern.
Then I felt someone close in on my left, the scent of sea salt and snow-laced fresh air wrapping around me. I stilled when I realized it was Cael. He towered beside me. I had to glance up at him. He was facing forward, a dark void remaining in his light stare, but then he blinked and looked down at me. He stepped a fraction closer still, and a sense of warmth grew within me. His arms were crossed over his chest, closed off. No words were said. I didn't even know him, yet strangely, it was as though he was protecting me.
As we began walking, Cael and Dylan stood on either side of me like protective sentinels. Checking that I had my carry-on bag, I reached inside and brushed my fingers over the notebook I carried everywhere. I hoped Daddy was right. I hoped that Poppy would be with me on this trip, walking by my side, hand on my back for strength. And I prayed that, no matter what happened on this trip, maybe this would be the time I could open the first page of my notebook and hear from my sister once more.
I just needed to find the courage.
As we passed through security and waited in the airport lounge, I wondered if this trip would be able to help any of us. I supposed we would see. As much as I wanted this to work, I still felt numb inside. And I was sure, as I looked around at the six teens selected, the ones Leo and Mia were trying to save from the permanent black hole of grief, I could feel the clogging sadness leaking from our souls. In each face, I recognized the masks of normalcy we all wore, disguising the person screaming in pain underneath.
I felt an uphill battle awaited.
With a long breath, I sent a silent plea to my sister.
Poppy, please, if you can hear me. Help me. Please, just one last time. Help me get through this.
Help me learn how to live without you.
Help me be okay.