13 Broken Hearts and Fractured Memories

Broken Hearts and Fractured Memories

Savannah

C AEL'S LARGE, STRONG BODY TREMBLED IN MY ARMS. I PRAYED THAT I WAS enough to comfort him, to hold him through this moment. I cried too. I cried as I replayed what he had told me. I cried for Cillian, and I cried for Cael.

He'd seen it.

He'd found him.

He'd cradled his older brother in his arms … I could only imagine the trauma that had left within him. The scars that must have seared onto his broken heart. I rocked him back and forth and couldn't help but be thrust back into Poppy's bedroom, my hand in hers after she had died. How naively I had thought that if I just didn't let go, none of it would be real. That if I just stayed by her side, her eyes would open, and a miracle would have occurred. She'd believed in God so devoutly, so surely He would grant her a miracle and keep her with us all. The cancer would leave her body and she'd be healthy again. She'd get to live out her days with the people she loved most. She'd see our birthdays, weddings, and births of our future children. And we would see hers. We would see her marry Rune in the blossom grove that had become synonymous with them as a couple.

But that miracle never came. I knew now that when it came to death, they rarely do.

I curled myself over Cael and I let the floodgates open. My sternum ached as my chest racked with sadness. I didn't think I had ever cried that much in my life before. I had always held it back, controlled it. But seeing Cael break, hearing the story of Cillian, and Cael finding him— seeing him—wrecked me.

Cael's endless tears soaked my dress. But I saw each of those falling tears as a blessing. He had lived with this for so long. Tried to hide it through tattoos and piercings. Listened to our group sessions with forced detachment and silence. Even I had participated, which several weeks ago would have seemed impossible.

Cael had needed this.

I had needed to see him face this too.

I stroked my hand through his dark hair. Somewhere along this journey, my heart had reached out and melded to his. Since Poppy, I had been so terrified of falling for someone. Scared by the thought of losing them too. But minute by minute on this trip, I had felt a magnet drawing Cael and me together, so powerful, it was impossible to resist. We had shared in a pain that people outside of this experience would never understand.

And right now, with him so distraught and vulnerable in my arms and my heart cracking in his shared pain, I came to the heady realization that I was in love with him. Head over heels, completely in love with this broken boy from outside Boston. I peppered kisses along his cheek and hair. His hands and fingers that were linked through mine.

"I'm so tired, Savannah," Cael said, his depleted, softly spoken words tearing open my chest.

"Let's go and sleep then," I said and guided Cael to his feet. He was so tall and broad and physically strong. But everything in his gait screamed that he was fractured. With his arm over my shoulders and my arm around his waist, we walked back to the floor that held all our rooms. As I walked past my own, just the thought of leaving him alone made me feel nauseous. I didn't want to be alone either.

As we entered the hallway, Leo was waiting. We stopped when we saw him. "How are you doing, Cael?" he asked. I had a feeling he'd been keeping an eye on him this entire time. In fact, I was sure he was.

"Tired," Cael said, sagging beside me.

I looked up at Leo and saw the sadness on his face. "Please," I said quietly. "Please … let me stay with him."

"Savannah …" Leo said, shaking his head.

"Nothing will happen, I promise. We'll sleep above the covers. Please … I just want to stay beside him," I said, begging Leo with my eyes. I couldn't leave him alone. My heart wouldn't let me. He's so broken, I tried to silently convey to Leo. He's just opened up to me and told me everything. He's too raw and vulnerable to be on his own tonight.

Leo walked back into his own room, then came back out carrying a chair. He placed it outside Cael's room. "The door stays open, and I'll be checking on you frequently," he said. " Don't betray my trust."

"We won't," I whispered. The relief Leo's permission brought was consuming. I held Cael's hand tighter and walked him into his room, leaving the door open. Gratitude, so strong and blatant, shone in Cael's desolate gaze. I knew I'd done the right thing. Grief hurt worse when you were alone.

I brought him to his bed, and we lay down, fully clothed. Cael wrapped me in his arms and crushed me to his chest like it was the only thing anchoring him to hope. I held him back, just breathing in his sea salt scent. He kissed me on the top of my head and exhaled a long and defeated sigh.

"Thank you," he said, and his words filled the hotel room.

"There's nothing to be thankful for," I said and nestled in closer. It was true. This was what we did for those we loved. We held them through darkness.

"He wasn't a bad person," Cael eventually said, and that just about broke my heart.

"Of course he wasn't," I said sternly and lifted myself up until I was propped onto my elbow. I ran my fingertips over Cael's face. His eyes were bloodshot from crying, and his skin was pale yet blotchy from all his tears.

"He was just sad," he said, almost more to himself than to me. "He was just too sad to carry on." He blinked and chased fresh tears away. "And he wasn't a coward." My heart collapsed. "He was strong and brave and was the best person I ever knew."

"He couldn't be further from a coward," I echoed. "He was strong until the end. Never believe otherwise."

Cael nodded his head, like he'd desperately needed to hear that. He took hold of my hand. "What was she like? Poppy?"

Branches of love began to grow inside of me, blotting out sadness. I smiled, even though my lips shook. I just missed her so much. "She was kind," I said quietly. I gripped Cael's hand tighter. "She was beautiful. And she was so encouraging."

I swallowed back the gutting emotions that were threatening to steal my words. For the first time in such a long time, I wanted to talk about Poppy and how wonderful she had been. "She encouraged me more than anyone in my life. She was my anchor. She was the person who helped pull me out of the shell I so naturally hid inside." I laughed when Ida's face came to mind. "My younger sister, Ida, is like that too." My stomach fell. "But I haven't really let her in since Poppy died." Tears built in my eyes. "I haven't been the big sister to her that Poppy was to us both."

"You've been hurting," Cael said, running his finger up and down my cheek.

"So has she," I said, the truth of that fact making me fill to the brim with guilt. "It was Ida who persuaded me to come here." I met Cael's eyes. "The truth is, I haven't been myself since Poppy died."

A thought I had always kept secret screamed to be let out. Cael was searching my face, like he knew I wanted to say something too. Kissing his hand, I then ran my fingers over his tattooed knuckles and said, "Sometimes …" I took in a shallow, shaky breath. "Sometimes I think it's me who should have died." My heart kicked into a sprint as those private words became shared. "Poppy was so full of life. She had Rune. They would have married. They would have had the most beautiful life together. True soulmates."

I flicked my eyes around the dark in the room. I knew Leo was listening to our every word, but I didn't mind. Maybe it was time I shared it with him too. "Ida is like Poppy. They are so vibrant. Being around them is being smothered with happiness and hope. Me …" I trailed off. "I'm quiet, reserved." My breath stuttered. "The world would have continued without me. No great ripple of sorrow or unfairness would have occurred if I'd slipped away, as quietly as I lived. No one would have truly been affected if I had been the one to fall victim to sickness."

"I would have," Cael said. His voice was no longer weak but so bold and full of conviction that I couldn't help but look at him. He was deadly serious; I could see that in his silver-blue depths. "My world would have been affected, Savannah. I would have wandered through my life wondering why there was a sudden ache in my heart. My life would have been unfulfilled because you had never stepped into it like you were always meant to."

"Cael …" I said, choked with emotion, and he leaned in and kissed me. His hand met my cheek and his fingers threaded into my hair. I kissed him back and tried to absorb all of what he had said. My heart had swelled in my chest at his words. And I returned the sentiment. Cael had stepped into my life and spliced his soul with my own, two hearts sharing one valve. It was heady and overwhelming but joyous and almost too much of a sensation to bear.

He pulled back and joined his forehead to mine. "I would have forever felt you were missing, Peaches. And I would have searched every inch of the world and beyond, trying to find you." Cael reared back an inch. His face was serious, and searching my eyes, he whispered, "I love you, Savannah Litchfield. I'm so goddamn in love with you."

My heart fired like a cannon. Butterflies that were solely tied to Cael's voice swooped and spread their wings so wide I could feel them in my fingertips. "I love you too," I said, no doubt in my heart. It was full to the walls with Cael. He was in my marrow and blood, my every cell. The smile that spread on his face was blinding. And he kissed me again. He kissed me so softly and thoroughly that I wondered how we would ever come up for air.

Cael wrapped me up in his arms. I fit beside him perfectly, like the universe made us to match. Cael held our joined hands up between us, playing with my fingers. A deep cavern buried within me. Was this what Poppy had felt like with Rune? Is this how Rune felt about her in return? If so, how had they ever survived it? How had Rune managed to carry on with his soulmate being taking away from him?

"I tried to convince myself that it was all a big mistake," Cael said, never taking his eyes from our moving fingers. "I tried to convince myself that it was an accident and that Cillian didn't choose to leave us." He swallowed and I waited patiently for him to continue. "But when I went home that night, I walked into my bedroom and saw an old Bruins game ticket on my desk. It was the first game we'd ever gone to together when we were kids. I'd pinned it to my wall after we'd come back. A memory I wanted to cherish forever."

My pulse raced faster and faster. "He'd written seven words on the back." Cael's voice was briefly stolen by grief before he cleared his throat and said, " I couldn't do it anymore. I'm sorry ."

As those words sailed into the air between us, I wanted to reach out to them and hold them within my palm. They radiated pain. They radiated such sadness, tears tracked down my cheeks.

I pulled Cael closer and placed our joined hands on my chest, over my heart, and cradled them there instead. "I still have that ticket, Sav. In my wallet. I keep it with me always. But I haven't looked at it since that night." Cael sounded exhausted. "When I read it, I knew what the police and paramedics were suspecting was true. What I had seen with my own two eyes was true. He'd taken his own life."

"I'm so sorry," I said, those words sounding more than inadequate.

"I can't bring myself to look at it again, Sav." Cael sounded so tortured.

"You once told me there was no timeline with grief. You need to give yourself that same grace," I said, kissing his cheek and brushing my nose past his.

"I love you," he said, and his eyelids began to grow laden with exhaustion.

"I love you too," I whispered, inviting in the silence of the night.

Cael kissed my forehead and a deep, tired sigh sailed from his lips. He glanced at the open door, and his shoulders lost any remaining tension. He had told Leo all of that too. He had obviously wanted him to hear it.

It was progress.

Cael faced me again, eyelids heavy. In mere minutes he was asleep. But all I could think of was Cillian and the thought of Cael finding him—seeing him pass. Then I thought of Poppy and how peacefully she had died. It hit me then. Just how special that moment was. How her death truly had been special.

I looked at Cael on the bed, sleeping. He was so handsome. So kind and beautiful. And he loved me. Cael Woods loved me . And I loved him too.

I curled into Cael's chest. And I fell asleep in the arms of the boy I adored.