Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Ellery

I'd never felt more defeated or broken as I trudged up the stairs to my home. It wouldn't be my home for much longer.

My shoulders hunched forward, my head pounded, and my heart felt like someone had pulverized it with a hammer. I couldn't get the look on Ryker's face out of my mind.

The betrayal, shock, and anguish he'd felt were etched onto every nuance of his countenance. It had been clear for me to see I'd done that to him.

Every time I was sure I couldn't hate myself more, I was proven wrong. I'd hurt him, which would always be my biggest regret.

I couldn't fix it. He wouldn't let me, and I didn't blame him. I hated myself too; how could I expect him to give me a chance to try to fix it when I didn't know how.

I'd broken things between us beyond repair, but I could fix things for my mother and Scarlet's family. I could ensure they remained safe, had a home, and were taken care of.

I wouldn't offer the manor to the king or duke, but I would offer myself. There was no reason for them to suffer when I could ensure they didn't. A lightning bearer was valuable to the rulers of Tempest; a female lightning bearer might be priceless.

I opened the door to the same musty, empty scent that had met me every day since they took my mother. The curtains remained closed over the windows.

I didn't want the light; my world was dark now. It had been that way since I put on the Hooded Robber outfit.

I didn't know it then.

I knew it now.

Still, while I regretted many of my choices, I didn't regret becoming the Robber. Many hungry amsirah had eaten because of me.

I hadn't been as much help as I'd hoped when I first put on that outfit and started stealing, but at least I did some good. It had to be enough, because if it wasn't, that meant I'd destroyed my life, devastated Ryker, and would upset my mother for nothing .

I was going to hand myself over to powerful amsirah, who would use and abuse me for nothing. It couldn't all be for nothing.

I wanted to cry, but I didn't have any tears left in me. I'd shed them all after Ryker walked away from me in the woods.

Now, I was a broken, empty shell walking toward my eventual demise. My feet scuffed the wooden stairs as I dragged them up the steps toward my room; I didn't have the energy to lift them any higher.

If I packed everything now, I could make it to the palace by nightfall. I would have to ride Adira there as I'd opened a portal to Tucker's encampment and another one back home.

The two portals so close together hadn't completely drained me of energy, but I was pretty close to burnout, or maybe it was emotional exhaustion weighing me down. Either way, I couldn't open another portal to the palace.

I wasn't capable of packing today, either. It had been weeks since I'd slept more than an hour or two at a time and done more than pick at food.

I had to get to my mother, but after opening my door, I barely made it to my bed before collapsing onto it. I pulled one of my pillows against my chest, curled into a ball, and lay there.

Soon, I'd go to the palace and give myself over to them, but I was too exhausted to do anything more than sleep.