Chapter 86

Ellery

Over the next week,we never slipped back into the honeymoon phase of our relationship. The fantasy was broken, but I couldn't stop loving him.

I was going to hurt him and didn't know how to stop this. I couldn't change my awful choices, and while becoming the Hooded Robber wasn't my best decision, I wouldn't have changed what I did.

Donning the hood wasn't something I would ever do again, but I'd helped a lot of amsirah, and I never could have seen this coming. How was I supposed to guess that I would ever even talk to Ryker again, never mind fall in love with him?

I'd never hated myself more, yet I couldn't stay away from him. I loved him; he was the one amazing thing in my life.

I'd never considered myself selfish, but when it came to him, I was a greedy bitch.

"Are you okay?" Scarlet asked. "You're so quiet today."

I lifted my head from where we were working to pull weeds from the rows of growing crops. My mother and Scarlet's father, mother, and little brother were in the fields too, but we were tucked into the rows of corn, working together as we had ever since we were little girls.

When my father was alive, we had a plethora of amsirah working the fields, but he insisted I also learn how to do so. He'd believed we couldn't appreciate the land and the beauty of what we had without digging our fingers into the earth.

Because of him, I'd poured blood and sweat into the earth I loved so much and would do so for as long as I lived.

I studied Scarlet as I sat back on my heels and brushed a strand of hair off my face. It had been a while since we'd sat and talked; I'd been so involved with Ryker and the hunt for the Hooded Robber while she'd remained at the manor.

"No, I'm not," I admitted.

Scarlet leaned back and rested her hands on her knees as her head tilted to study me. Her deep red hair shone in the sun's rays as her brown eyes filled with concern. "What's wrong?"

I hadn't seen much of Scarlet since I started helping Ryker hunt for the Hooded Robber, but my mother needed me at the manor this week. The timing worked well, as Ryker had already decided to check on his mother's property.

He'd left yesterday and told me he'd be back on Wednesday. It was only three days but I already missed him.

"I've messed up so badly," I breathed and unleashed all my awfulness on Scarlet.

She could bear it, and I knew she would take it to her grave. As she listened, her eyes grew wider and her mouth parted. When I finished, it took her a while to respond as she digested my confession.

"Lery," she finally breathed.

"I know I'm awful," I gushed, "and I know I messed up. I would give anything to change it all. I would never put on that hood?—"

"If you never put on the hood, he wouldn't be a part of your life."

My mind spun as she revealed this whole new angle I'd never considered before, and while it was true… "That doesn't make it better."

"I know, but does he make you happy?"

"Happier than I've been in years. Happier than I ever dreamed I could be. The way he makes me feel…." I sighed as my words trailed off. "I can't begin to describe how much I love him or how happy I am with him, even if it's all clouded in doubt and guilt."

I didn't dare let myself think about how wonderful it would be if we didn't have our statuses and all my lies between us. It was a dream too big to contain and an impossibility that could never be.

"Then let the past go and focus on being happy," Scarlet said.

"I have to tell him the truth."

"Why?"

Sputtering sounds came out as I tried to form an answer, but Scarlet held up her hand to stop me before I spoke again.

"I love you, Lery. You're my best friend, always have been and always will be. I know you love him, but you're right, this can't go anywhere between you. So why do you have to tell him? If you tell him, he can use it against you in the future.

"This is going to end. I'm sorry to say that, but it is. His father won't allow anything more than what this is, and while Ryker won't have to marry another, he'll never be allowed to marry you. If his father knew who you were, he would have probably ended it by now."

The truth of her words made me recoil like she'd slapped me in the face. I already knew all these things; I'd said them to myself many, many times, but hearing them from her made me realize I'd still been retaining some hope that maybe I was wrong and we could somehow, miraculously, end up together.

"I'm so sorry," Scarlet gushed. "I'm not saying this to upset you; it's all stuff you've already told me, but I'm trying to put a new perspective on it. If this is going to end, then why does your secret have to be exposed?"

My head spun as I tried to process her words, but while my heart told me Ryker should know the truth, my head said she had a logical argument. Or maybe it was one I wanted to grasp to justify my actions.

Scarlet leaned forward and rested her hand on top of mine. "I know the guilt is eating you alive, but it's better to deal with that than to end up in a prison cell or with your head chopped off. How much longer do you think this can last between you?"

"I don't know," I admitted.

"Then ride it out until the end. Have fun while you still can, because there is so little joy left in this realm. If you've found it, don't give it up until you have to, and don't let guilt ruin it."

I didn't speak for a few seconds as I tried to process what she was saying. Then, I threw myself into her arms; she laughed and hugged me back.

"And for fuck's sake, don't be a complete moron and get yourself killed," she said. "I wouldn't know what to do without you."

I laughed as we squeezed each other. Leave it to Scarlet to somehow make this mess not seem as bad.

"So," Scarlet said when we untangled from each other, "you have to tell me about the sex. Is it fantastic?"

"I'm not talking about that."

"That good, huh?"

I grinned at her. "Better."

Scarlet fanned herself with her hand. "Oh my."

I laughed, and we shifted our attention back to the weeds. Soon, the plants would be tall enough to block the sun from the weeds, but they still required our help.

Scarlet peppered me with questions as we worked, and we laughed while the sun crept higher in the sky. I wiped the sweat from my brow as the jingle of a harness drew my attention.

Beside me, Scarlet sat back on her heels, and we watched to see who was coming down the road. Even though Ryker always rode bareback and said he'd be gone for a few days, my heart soared.

Maybe he's returned early.

Rising, I wiped my dirty hands on the apron covering my lightweight brown pants and pale green shirt as the sound drew closer. When carriage wheels rattled over the road, my hope deflated. Ryker never arrived in a carriage.

Convinced it was only a passing traveler, I was about to shift my attention back to weeding when the carriage rounded a bend, and the duke's insignia came into view on the side of the vehicle. The red and yellow shield with a phoenix in the middle made me gulp. I glanced at Scarlet as she rose beside me and her hand found mine as the carriage halted in front of the manor.