Sirah

September

Ryan kissed my shoulder as I put my earrings on. We were taking his Mum out for her birthday. Irene couldn't stand me. She was caught out giving me daggers in so many of our wedding photos. Several friends and family members mentioned her poor attitude throughout the day.

I had no idea what her problem was. At first, I thought she was racist, but the more I got to know her, I discovered that no woman was good enough for her son, irrespective of colour. Her possessiveness over him was unnatural, but Ryan always put it down to her becoming a widow when he was in his late teens.

“Thanks for organising everything. You know I've been working extra hours to try and get ahead for this new senior management vacancy,” he said as his fingers edged up towards my cleavage.

His work as a customer relations manager in investments for a major bank was well paid, but his next step would increase his salary considerably. We worked in different parts of the city district, but that was where the money was. Everything in London was ultra-expensive, and we needed every advantage available to us.

My pay had doubled since starting my initial graduate programme role. I was the go-between in setting up company pension schemes. I started in the insurance side of the business but soon got bored. Investments was where the money was. It wasn't the most exciting role, but I loved the challenge of tailoring our pension products to accommodate the client’s requirements.

I sighed as I thought about Irene's impending barrage of complaints tonight. My daydreams often revolved around me snapping one day and telling the woman what I honestly thought of her despicable behaviour.

∞∞∞

I was paying the bill for the meal when I saw Ryan with her. He must have thought I was at the table. The woman was a few years younger than me and a dress size smaller. They stood between the main entrance and the toilets. He had his arm around her waist and she was toying with his collar. I was shaken when I saw her pull Ryan into one of the doors.

“Excuse me one moment,” I told the restaurant staff.

I didn't wait for a response but took my debit card with me as I walked towards the restrooms. They had gone into the disabled toilet. I placed my ear to the door when my eyes caught a man coming out of the gent's toilet. My eyes widened when I heard what Ryan said next.

“Hurry up and suck me off, you've got four minutes, Lillian.”

“You know I only need three, babe,” she replied.

I pushed myself away from the door and blindly walked towards the exit. When I was outside, I sucked in the warm night air and began to walk down the street towards the square.

Ryan was temperamental, which I ’ d given him some leeway with due to his mother babying him into his thirties, but cheating on me while his mother and wife were within the same vicinity took some gall. It led me to think of all the times he said he was ‘working late’ or went away for ‘work’ trips.

The last major fight we had led him to push me as I tried to walk away from him. That landed me in the hospital with a fractured radius bone in my forearm. It was the first and last time he laid a hand on me. The fight had been over him giving his mother a key to our house. She waltzed in at any given time, leaving me little to no privacy. It was time to walk away while I could.

I phoned my Dad. He could get to our place in under two hours.

∞∞∞

It felt weird being back in my old bedroom. My mum was distraught, but my dad was the silent type. Ryan had been furious by the time we turned up at the door. My dad didn't need to say a word to him but held up his phone and began to record Ryan. He was a genius because it instantly shut him up and let me pack all my belongings in peace.

Since my dad was an electrician, I had his van at my disposal. As soon as Irene got involved with our separation, the locks would be changed, and the games would begin. The house was in joint names because he had needed my income for the mortgage.

I later discovered that his mother said she could help towards the house, but only if the house title deeds were in his name alone. No mortgage provider would agree to that, and further legalities would be required to remove me from being an equal owner. It didn’t matter because there wasn’t much equity within the house.

I was still in shock, but the volatile emotions of pain, anger and disgust kept hitting me like heavy waves against the shore during a storm. Ryan tried calling, messaging and emailing me, but I didn’t want to read his toxic gaslighting shit. Our marriage hadn’t been the same since last summer. In a way, I was grateful that I wouldn't waste any more time with him. I was only twenty-eight and had a lifetime ahead of me.

Ryan would be free to have his fuck buddy on a full-time basis.

∞∞∞

My bravado only lasted the weekend, and I felt awful when I was back at work on Monday. I couldn’t focus because I kept thinking how horrible the divorce process would be with Irene involved. The only good thing about being back in Reading was being close to my friends. We hooked up as soon as we hit Friday. I was glad to see the end of the first week.

“I knew he was a dick,” Rani said, reaching for some more rice.

“Thanks for letting me know,” I said dryly.

Sonia looked away nervously while Rani was busy eating.

“What?” I asked with a scowl while looking at both of them.

“We saw him cosying up to a guest at the wedding, but we thought it might be a relative or close friend,” Rani said. “We later found out she was someone from your side of the guest list.”

“How the fuck could I have missed all the signs?” I groaned and slumped in my seat.

“He was a smooth operator,” Sonia murmured, and I was silently thankful she hadn’t ever told Rani about my arm.

“I think he was full of himself,” Rani said. “We didn’t know for certain, and when you moved to London, we didn’t see much of you.”

“Yeah, that’s on me. I was only an hour away by train, but living in London was a massive change. Plus, I had his mother to contend with,” I said, dipping my naan bread into the curry.

“She is one crazy bitch. I thought Asian mother-in-laws were bad,” Rani said, shaking her head.

The girls knew what kind of behaviour I had put up with from Irene since they were the only ones I could talk to freely. It was never good to involve family because all it did was create hostility and there was enough of that from Irene.

“What are you planning next?” Sonia asked.

“I can’t live with my parents again. I love them, but I need my space. I might look for a place to rent in London,” I said.

A message alert pinged on my phone, and I saw it was from an unknown number. I frowned when a flood of messages came through. I closed my eyes when I saw image after image of Ryan with different women. Someone took the phone from me, but I didn't have it in me to do anything about it.

“Oh my God, there is a video,” Sonia whispered.

“All the better for the divorce,” Rani said, but her voice was as hard as her nails. “What a nasty little bastard, you're lucky you got out. I’d get tested for STDs if I were you.”

My eyes flew open at her words because she was right. That was the first thing I should have done. The instant sharp stab of anger allowed me to push aside the emotional chaos that churned within me. I would no longer mourn the loss of my future dreams and aspirations with a man who had done nothing but lie to me.

∞∞∞

Yeah, that wasn't working. It seems that there is a process. Each time Ryan tried to reach out to me, it threw me into a spiral. The constant swing between fury and sadness made me sit at home and eat junk food. Work was the only stable constant in my life.

I contacted the company that dealt with our employee support and promptly booked a series of therapy sessions. I wasn’t too proud to admit I needed help. I loved my friends and family, but all I did was bad-mouthing Ryan and Irene.

It was a vicious circle I needed to end, just like my marriage.