Chapter Seventeen

James scowled. "Another."

"Really?" Lord Radford lifted an eyebrow. "You have done nothing but sit here and drink and now – "

"This is the second time in as many days as you have demanded that I reconsider how much liquor I imbibe," James interrupted, aware that his tone was dark but caring very little for it. "I do not think that I require a nursemaid, Radford."

His friend held up both hands, palms out towards him. "Very well."

Letting his gaze follow the footman who went to fetch him another brandy, James felt the gaze of Lord Radford on him but did his best to ignore it. There was nothing that he wanted to say to his friend and certainly nothing that he wanted to hear from him either!

"I heard that your betrothed was seen watching the phaeton race earlier today," Lord Radford murmured, a quiet question in his voice – a question which James did his best to ignore. "I presume then that Lord Billington is interested in her?"

"It would appear so," James said stiffly, his whole body tensing in a strange manner as though he were preparing for some sort of defence. "That is just what we have wanted, however, so it pleases me a great deal." None of those words were truly what he felt, of course, but all the same, he spoke them with as much conviction in his voice as he could muster. He did not dare tell Lord Radford – and did not even want to tell himself – that there was more to his feelings for Lady Newton than mere acquaintance.

"That is excellent news!" Lord Radford exclaimed, beaming at James as though this was truly the most wonderful thing he had ever heard. "You will soon be free of her then, yes? That is just as well, for I confess that I have grown rather tired of telling everyone just how much you dote on Lady Newton." He laughed but the sound raked down James' spine. He was not enjoying this conversation with Lord Radford and found himself eager to step away from his friend.

The problem was, there was nowhere to escape to. Everyone else in the room was either playing cards or conversing with each other and, should he quit the room and go elsewhere, he would find the same in either the library or the parlour, no doubt. He would have people asking him about his engagement, talking to him about Lady Newton when all he wanted was to forget all about her.

"Whatever is the matter?"

"What do you mean?" James snapped, looking at Lord Radford sharply. "There is nothing the matter. You are, yet again – "

"You… you do not want to end your engagement, do you?"

The stunned expression which rippled across Lord Radford's face was nothing in comparison to the shock which wrapped tight around James' heart and then spread out right through him. He swallowed hard, trying to shrug off his friend's remark, only to see Lord Radford's eyes widen all the more.

"It is not what you think," James began to say, only for Lord Radford to close his eyes tightly and reach up to rub one hand over his eyes.

"I cannot believe this," Lord Radford whispered, his voice hoarse with evident astonishment. "How can you have left yourself fall for your betrothed?"

" Fall for ?" James repeated, trying to inject as much mockery into his voice as he could. "My dear Lord Radford, you are entirely mistaken."

His friend, however, quickly shook his head. "No, I am not. I have known you for a very long time, do not forget, and in seeing you now, I recognise what the turmoil is that you are struggling with. And it is because of her, is it not?"

James shrugged. "It may be because of her but that does not mean that I am in love with her," he stated, with as much conviction as he could. "That is a foolishness."

"Then what is it?" Lord Radford lifted an eyebrow. "What is it that is causing you so much distress? I can tell that you are not at all the gentleman you once were. I thought it was because you were distracted by your supposed engagement, that you were caught up by playing the role of a devoted gentleman but now I see that there is something more there. Something that you may not even want to admit yourself."

"You are talking nonsense," James answered, a little anger now in his voice. "You state that we have been friends for a long time and that is true, but do you really believe that I would permit myself to have any sort of feelings for one lady in particular?" He let out a harsh laugh and shook his head. "Never. I would never be as much of a fool as that."

Lord Radford folded his arms over his chest and lifted his chin, looking up at James with a steadiness in his eyes. "Then explain to me why you are so frustrated, irritated and upset over the prospect of Lord Billington pursuing Lady Newton?"

James set his jaw, his fingers tightening into a fist as he fought to find an answer. "I do not think that Lord Billington is suitable for her, that is all."

To his frustration, Lord Radford threw back his head and laughed aloud, making a few of the other guests turn to look at him. "Really?" he asked, making James' scowl deepen. "Do you really think that I am going to believe that? That I am going to trust that it is simply because you think poorly of Lord Billington? No, my friend, I do not. The gentleman I know, the gentleman I am acquainted with, would be nothing but delighted over the prospect of his betrothed being pursued by someone else and would certainly have no interest in whether or not the gentleman was suitable ." His eyes glittered. "Even in saying that, you give yourself away. You are confessing that you do have feelings for Lady Newton, whether you wish to admit them or not."

"I… I… " A wave of heat crashed over James and he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to find something to say by way of explanation but nothing came to him.

"There is nothing to be ashamed of."

James opened his eyes and looked back at his friend, a little uncertain as to what Lord Radford meant.

"I do not think poorly of you for having any sort of feelings for Lady Newton," Lord Radford explained, clearly aware of James' confusion. "It is not at all what I expected but I presume that you also did not expect this either."

Pushing one hand through his hair, James fought the urge to deny everything, to lie about it all and continue on with his pretence. Clearly, his friend already knew what James felt and there could be no purpose in pretending any longer. "I… " He could not get the words out, letting out a small groan instead. A groan which made Lord Radford's eyes flare wide, clearly aware that James was about to admit to everything. "I do not want to feel this way."

Lord Radford's face split with a smile, his eyes twinkling suddenly. "I am quite sure that you speak the truth there! I fully believe that."

"I do not know what to do!" James began to speak with a good deal more urgency now, finding himself all the more eager to talk. It was as though, in confessing this to his friend – and in receiving no judgement from him – he now felt able to speak without holding anything back and that brought him a great sense of relief. "I do not want to feel anything for the lady and I keep reminding myself that I ought to be pleased that she is being pursued by another but instead, all I feel is regret. I am doubtful of my decision, I am uncertain as to my own heart and I find myself torn between wanting to step back from her and… " He trailed off, his brow furrowing as he fought to find an explanation for what it was he truly desired.

"From drawing close to her?" Lord Radford suggested, his voice a little quieter now as though he recognised just how serious a matter this was and dared not even think about making fun of it. "Is that what you truly desire? You want to be close to her, to pull her to you, to continue on with your engagement?"

James closed his eyes, fighting the urge to admit that yes, this was exactly what he wanted. "This is unlike anything I have ever felt before," he said, slowly, trying to take each word carefully out of his mouth. "It has confused and perplexed me. I want nothing more to find myself certain and determined again and yet, at this present moment, all I can do is think of her. I long for her, Radford, in a way I cannot explain." Letting out a long, shaking breath, James opened his eyes again, filling his lungs with air before he continued. "I have told myself that I can treat her just as I treat all young ladies of the ton but in attempting to do so, my heart has simply cried out for her all the more! It is as though I cannot step away from her, even if I want to."

"Then you will have to tell her."

James snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Why would you not?"

"Because," James explained, quickly, "she is determined to end our engagement and is quite contented with Lord Billington pursuing her. No doubt she thinks him a better gentleman than I so, therefore, she will be very glad to connect with him." His heart grew heavy as he looked away from his friend, his jaw set. "I cannot pretend that her view is incorrect. Any gentleman in London is going to be a far better gentleman than I."

His friend did not immediately correct him, making James feel all the worse.

"You may be surprised," Lord Radford said, after a few moments of quiet. "Mayhap there is a chance that Lady Newton feels the same way as you do."

James let out a broken laugh, his heart twisting now, knowing that his friend had spoken without a hint of mockery in his voice but feeling it all the same. "I highly doubt that, my friend."

Lord Radford lifted his shoulders. "Whether she does or not, you still should speak with her," he said, as James scowled. "Tell her what you feel, tell her about your change of heart. I am sure that – "

"I cannot tell her. I will not tell her."

Lord Radford let his shoulders drop. "Then you will be miserable," he answered, calmly. "And I promise you that, no matter what you do, you will regret this moment. You will be filled with nothing but sorrow over how you chose to deal with the matters of your heart."

"And what evidence have you of that?" James snapped, anger suddenly replacing his relief at being able to speak honestly. "You are not someone who has ever been in love with a young lady, are you? You have never had your heart so filled with this strange affection and consideration that you find yourself utterly lost and confused at your own desires! And you have certainly never had to turn away from it all, knowing that you can never be the sort of gentleman that she truly requires. So I do not know why you think you can speak to me in such a way but – "

"You truly are arrogant, are you not?"

Red effused Lord Radford's face, his hard words cutting through James' sharp ones. Unable to respond, James blinked quickly before his brows fell low over his eyes. "I do not know what you mean."

"Precisely," came the reply, with the red in Lord Radford's face no longer fading. "You stand there and say all these things about me without ever truly understanding the difficulties that I have faced previously. We have been friends for some years yes, but did it ever occur to you that I might not have told you everything about what has happened in my life? What it is I have endured?"

James blinked, his anger fizzling away to nothing.

"There is a reason that I behave as I do," Lord Radford stated, standing at his full height and glaring back at James. "I do not trust any young lady now, I am afraid. I do not trust their motivations, I do not trust the words that they speak and I certainly do not trust their heart! So do not pretend that you know everything about me, Lord Granton, for you certainly do not!"

A little embarrassed, James pushed those feelings aside and lifted his chin. "I am surprised that you are encouraging me in this, then, given the obvious disinclination you have towards young ladies such as Lady Newton."

"Ah, but that is because I have seen in Lady Newton something that is very rare," came the reply. "I would not have mentioned it had this conversation not come about but since it has, I shall." He paused, the red fading from his cheeks just a little. "This situation is quite the opposite of the one that I myself endured for in what I suffered, I was the one who was treated poorly. I was the one who did not deserve to be treated in such a way, but I was and I endured it because I had no other choice. Here, however, I see that Lady Newton has found herself in a situation which she does not desire, which has not been of her own making and which she has been forced into – and how does she endure it?" He smiled though it was somewhat lifeless. "She endures it with a quiet peace, with a gentleness about her spirit which does not permit her even to complain to you about it! Instead, she has come up with a plan which should satisfy you both but even then, she has never once spoken with words of complaint or concern about what should happen if you do not end your engagement. She has suffered and endured a great deal and yet she does not say a word. Your pretence, your fakery and your put on smiles and seeming affection, she has accepted without a word. I would presume that she would feel some hurt over her father placing her upon the gambling table in such a way but never once has she expressed that to you. It is as though she does not want to add to your burden, though she may say that it is because she has no desire to be close to you. Lady Newton is, to my eyes, a young lady with a great deal of forbearance and consideration, with a heart that is gentle, open and considerate. That is not particularly commonplace, I can assure you of that."

James did not know what to say. He looked back at his friend, wondering at all that had been expressed and wondering where it came from. Clearly, Lord Radford had hidden all of his own thoughts and considerations about Lady Newton from James assuming that they would not be relevant but now, they had all been spoken and James found himself utterly astonished. He slowly lowered his gaze, realising that he had spoken without thinking, without even realising that there was more to Lord Radford's past than he himself had taken note of – and that was certainly rather shaming.

"Forgive me for speaking as I did," he began, not quite able to look at Lord Radford. "I did not mean to – "

"You were foolish enough to speak with a confidence you did not have." Lord Radford folded his arms over his chest. "We may be friends, Lord Granton, we may even be rogues together but that does not mean that you can dismiss me in such a brusque manner." Turning away, he threw his final few words over his shoulder. "I did not think that your arrogance and your superiority would ever be used against me."

James wanted to say something more, wanted to call his friend back and to tell him that he was sorry, that he had not meant to cause any sort of injury but the words would not come. Closing his eyes, James let out a long breath, finding himself twisting up inside. What had started off as a conversation that brought him relief now left him feeling all the worse. There was no gladness now, no sense of happiness that he had finally been able to speak of all that troubled him. Instead, James wrestled now with the heavy weight of not only his feelings for Lady Newton but his embarrassment and regret at how he had injured his friend. Instead of making anything better, all he had done in speaking so simply added to his burden.

Letting his gaze drift to the floor, James set his jaw, refusing to let the emotions within his heart overwhelm him. He could sort this matter out, could he not? He could find a way through this difficulty, making certain that all would return to as it had been at the very start of the Season. He would apologise to Lord Radford, would ignore his own feelings for Lady Newton and wait for them to pass, as they soon would once she was engaged to someone else. That was all that he wanted, all that he truly desired… wasn't it?