Chapter 23

I keep having this dream, Nathair thought, as he struggled to open his sight.

"What kind of dream?" his little songbird asked, making him groan and curl his arms around her torso tighter. He nuzzled the underside of his short skull against her lap more.

Nathair thought back on it. Rather than words that came to him, that likely would have shared with her what he experienced, his other senses picked up on it.

They radiated in the blissful, although temporary, inner silence she gifted him.

The recesses of his mind were dark, like hollow night. Like the void of endless nothingness. Like the inside of Weldir's mind, where nothing lived, could live, and that utter blackness was comforting.

No light reflected, other than what shone from him... and her.

Two-inch-deep water surrounded him. It didn't have a colour, as it wasn't inky like one thought it might be.

His view was always from a third person perspective, as if he was a disembodied bystander. Yet, he could feel contented pleasure vibrating through his ethereal, orange, and intangible form. As if his emotions were heightened to the point they took on a physical spark in the air, his outer self experienced the laziness in him, the quiet relief, the tranquillity he'd never felt.

The voices were gone, giving him freedom to hold this female in his arms as she lay cradled on top of his tail folds. But, much like his spiritual self, she lacked a physical form. Instead, Nathair held her soul.

Not in the palm of his hand like a little bunny, but as if she was the same size as she was now.

And she was warm. She gave no breaths, and neither did he, but a pulsating came from within them. At first, his thumping had been fast, sprinting in the cold, lonely darkness by himself. But she always came. Her feet rippled the water she walked on top of, leaving behind little flames that sputtered out as she made her way over to lie with him.

She never spoke a word, never disturbed the silence he'd sought for so long, and just trusted that he wanted her there. She would hold one side of his skull in her lava palm, and tenderly blink up at him with glowing eyes that lacked any whites or pupils in them; they were just a solid brown, pretty glow.

The moment she was with him, his pulsing would slow, only to eventually match hers.

There was no evidence of her soul being tampered with, and he wondered if this embrace would be what it felt like when, or if, he one day consumed it. Would she touch him in such a deeply profound way, like a balm to his very essence? When she gave it to him, could he incidentally destroy what continued to linger and hurt her?

He'd like that to be so, and for her soul to one day feel as comfortable with him as the dream version did.

The only light in his vision came from them and the way they reflected in the colourless water around them. He felt peace, and could have lived there forever.

But, when she knew he was awakening, she would cease singing, cease humming, and the calm waters would begin to violently ripple. White shards would sprinkle in the blackened sky, like pieces of broken glass that gave the tiniest whispers of vibration.

Nathair always knew, before long, those shards would grow and lance the waters around him like falling rubble.

A warm hand stroked down his cool skull, and he finally opened his sight to look up at the female he lay his head upon. Her smile was small, but it twinkled in her expression as she gazed down at him.

Look at the way her eyes shine.Even her black eyelashes were long as they delicately framed them. He reached up to brush a claw beneath one of her molten brown eyes.

Her eyelids flickered, and her cheeks darkened in colour as if they filled with heat. He paused. Shit. She probably heard that.

The giggle that came out of her was sweet, and instantly had him sighing in annoyance. This is the part I hate. I cannot stand that she hears my thoughts.

Would anyone? I'd rather remain voiceless. It seemed like an unfair sacrifice for just a meagre amount of peace.

Now that she was growing more adept at his sign language, the use of his voice felt unnecessary. Before long, they would be able to have complex and deep conversations with little effort.

As he was rising so he could give her space, he noted the crinkle of hurt in her eyes. He sighed again.

"Sorry," he stated out loud, his voice remarkably groggy from sleep. "It is not that I don't wish to speak with you, but that I don't like my innermost thoughts spilling from me as if my mind is a sieve."

"I-I know," she offered, giving him a broken smile. "I wouldn't want my thoughts shared either, to be honest."

He nodded, thankful she understood, before looking up at the ceiling. The streaks of sunlight were dim, revealing the day was late but not yet over.

I'm not sleeping as long as I did the first time.He received only a few hours, like any normal Mavka. He sat back on his tail, and hollow feelings grew in his gut. I cannot ask this of her for much longer.

Her gaze darted away nervously, and he palmed his fucking face because she heard it. She was choosing not to comment on it for his sake, as if she didn't hear his thoughts, but he saw little point to it.

"Just ask," he stated with a grumble, licking at the inside of his maw in irritation.

Her features lifted to him with appreciation. "Why? I don't mind doing this for you."

"Because I cannot sleep the day away and keep you from doing the things you wish. There is little to do in my cave, and you miss the sun when you help me rest."

I do not want to keep her in the dark. Linh should glimmer in the light, and not be snuffed out within his cold, watery cave.

"Maybe I could do this in the afternoons instead, then?" she asked as she knelt. She fiddled with the sewn-on leaves of her pink dress.

I am surprised she chose to wear this today, after last time.Once more, he cringed, knowing she likely heard that. "It looks nice on you. I am glad to see you trust me while you're in it." Then, before she could speak on it, as he'd only commented on her choice of clothing to reassure her, he said, "The afternoons may be better. Once the sun goes down."

She nodded, but in general, just looked weirdly awkward seated before him. Her heart was even racing, as if a hummingbird had taken flight within it. Is she uncomfortable with my voice?

"No!" she exclaimed, shoving her hands up. "I'm just... I'm not used to it." She self-consciously tucked a few stray hairs behind her ear. "It's really nice. Husky and smooth. I expected it to be deeper, and kind of..."

"Monstrous?" he asked with a chuckle, and her shoulders turned inwards. "It was much different before I died. It was deeper, growlier, and even my mother struggled to decipher what I was trying to say."

Even Aleron's voice was scratchy when he spoke to me.That bat-skulled Mavka had been very pushy to talk, without knowing it just hadn't been possible. He'd climbed all over Nathair before eventually giving up to just lie next to him with his feathered wing resting over Nathair's coiled-up form.

Aleron had been seeking comfort in his new life in Tenebris, and Nathair willingly allowed it – rather than rushing into the lake to be alone.

"It's nice," she complimented.

Says the female who puts me to sleep with a song. He grunted and scratched at the side of his neck in annoyance.

"Do..." he started, lowering his arm to wave at her with his claws facing upwards. "Do you always sing the same song?"

Whenever she started, a numbness rode within, and everything became inaudible. All he registered was her scent and the melodic cry of her voice changing in pitch. It always sounded beguiling, like she could tame even the wildest of animals with it.

"No. Sometimes it's different." She shrugged. "My parents used to sing to me when I was little, but they weren't really lullabies. I just sing whatever comes to me, and when I can't think of anything, I just make up my own song."

I see.No matter, they all had the same impact.

"I'll be honest," she mumbled, rubbing her arms as if a chill had crept over her. She looked away, avoiding meeting his gaze. "It makes me miss home whenever I sing to you."

He tilted his head at that. "It does?"

Nathair wished he'd known that sooner. He would have been less inclined to have her sing to him if it made it more difficult to gain her affections.

"I would have sung to you regardless," she stated, as if she'd picked up the stray thought. "It helps you, and... I want to give back for all you have done for me."

Nathair didn't know what to think, nor to say.

He had no soothing words, nothing that could make her feel better. He could offer her a condescending head pat, but that was beneath him. He didn't intend to do anything that could incidentally convince her to leave, but he also refused to pressure her to stay.

Their relationship was built on the foundation of nothingness, because there had to be nothingness from his side. No pressure, no devious plot – at least not yet. She needed to feel in control, without realising she had very little of it.

He didn't think this form of manipulation was evil, considering his intention behind it was pure-hearted. Or, rather, had become so.

I want her soul. And that wasn't a decision he'd made lightly. He wanted all the feelings that came with it, and all the affection he hoped to give, as well as receive.

Her gaze darted off, and he sighed once more at his wretched thoughts.

"I do want to ask something," she stated quietly, before chewing the inside of her cheek.

A tingle began to trickle in the back of his skull. She better speak fast. The fragments are returning to pester me.

"Can I ask... why you won't help my people?"

His orbs flared in their orange hue, highlighting a small amount of his guilt when she fluttered those pretty eyelashes at him.

Yet, his response was direct, harsh, and steadfast. Nathair folded his arms and tilted his head to the side, coldly stating, "Why should I?"

"Excuse me?" she squeaked, her voice turning higher pitched.

"Why should I help them? What reason do I have to do so?"

She gave him a cute pout. "Because I asked nicely?"

"You could ask me nicely to kill you too. Should I just adhere to every wish you may ask of me?"

Linh flinched at that and cupped her hands to her chest self-consciously. "Well, no. But... they're good people. They deserve to be helped. We all do in this valley. You're so strong that if you went between the mountain peaks south of here and destroyed the main bandit camp, you would save us all."

"I could do that. I very easily could rid you all of this problem," Nathair stated, tilting his head the other way. "But the question still remains. Why should I? Why should I help humans when, given the chance, they would turn on me simply because of what I am?"

"T-they wouldn't!" she yelled, throwing her hands up defensively. "I would tell them that you're there to help."

His laugh was dark and filled with malice. "Ah, so they would need convincing to spare me? Did you not just say they were ‘nice,' Linh? If I were to crawl my way into your village, they would accept my help and, once I did, could turn around and attempt to capture me, stab me in the back."

She opened her mouth to refute him, and Nathair let out a sharp, maw-snapping snarl.

"Humans are unkind creatures, little female." He lifted his hands, his claws facing upwards, before he fisted them. "I have seen them be vile. They steal, they lie, they murder, they..."

He didn't dare utter his final word, and he made sure his mind didn't echo it. But she seemed to understand anyway, and her features drooped and grew ashen.

"They think of me as a monster, when their hearts drip with malicious selfishness. You want my help, but if I needed it, would they come to aid me?"

"I would be there to make sure they did," she argued. "I know my people. I even know the people in the eastern part of the mountain ranges. We're good people, Nathair."

"So are Demons," he bit out.

Her eyelids flickered in surprise as her jaw dropped. "Pardon?"

"Demons can be good as well. I've heard of it, not just here, but in another world. There is no difference between humans and Demons to me. Both are cruel, both can be good-natured. Should I side with the Demons just because they can be ‘kind' and band with them to fight against humans, your species, instead?"

"I-I don't understand, Nathair. What are you saying?" Linh shook her head, struggling to digest this new bout of information he was sharing.

But he knew it was true. Weldir had told him of everything that happened here, and the trickles of information his mother, the Witch Owl, had managed to gather on her own in Nyl'theria, the Elven realm. Nathair had been gifted so much knowledge of the outside worlds, and never thought he'd ever need it.

He'd been wrong, and now this female sat before him, asking him to be selfless.

"I am a monster, Linh." He placed his hand on top of her hair and tilted her head back. He cradled it in his claws, being gentle when he could crush her skull with little effort. "I am hated by everyone and everything. Just because you have decided to see me as your saviour, does not make me a holy being. I am violent, I am depraved, and I am tired. I have suffered enough, and the wars of humans are not mine to fight."

"Is there really nothing I can do to convince you?" she whispered from beneath his reaching hand.

He slipped it down the side of her face and brushed his thumb up and down her cheek. He took in the softness of her supple skin, how smooth it was, its gentle warmth. Then he admired the cute, rounded edge of her ear before touching the ruby gem dangling from her lobe.

"I am unstable, little nightingale. I would only do more harm than good." When she didn't respond, not even a twitch of a muscle or a softening gaze, he asked, "Did you hear that?"

He received no answer.

He huffed out a sigh and spoke with his hands. "My voice is gone, so I will say it again. I am u-n-s-t-a-b-l-e. I would only do more hurt than good." Then he added, "I am of no help to anyone. I may turn on you or your people should I try. I cannot even be with Mavka, Linh."

Her brows drew together to frown at his hands, before her eyes rose to his skull. "Your own kind?"

"I don't know why your presence eases me, but you have done so from the beginning," he admitted as his shoulders drooped. "Before I found you at my pond, I was much more violent. The day on the beach was a r-e-o-c-c-u-r-i-n-g issue that happened every day."

"I didn't know that." Her eyes bowed in sympathy for him, and he tried not to be annoyed at that. "I'm so sorry. I wish there was more I could do for you."

Why doesn't she see how much she has done for me already? These past few weeks had been like heaven to something with such a twisted mind as him. He'd been able to sleep. He'd also been able to avoid his fragments for the most part unless she slept. Only then would they usually pull him under, as if he needed her to flit and dance around in his senses to keep him steady and focused.

That relief... if he'd been a softer being, may have made him weep.

"As much as I wanted to meet my b-r-o-t-h-e-r-s – brothers – in my return to life, I worried for them and their brides. I do not wish to harm them, nor have them h-a-t-e me for things I cannot control. They would not forgive it if I accidentally hurt one of their brides or ate them in a rage. I am a big Mavka, I am strong, and I have much humanity. I am dangerous, and my tail means I can i-m-m-o-b-i-l-i-s-e and kill another of my kind with ease."

The only reason Merikh managed to win against me was because of his echidna spines.He was the one Mavka Nathair couldn't hold.

Much like Nathair, Merikh's outside was just as monstrous and dangerous. He was a ball of blades, something Nathair couldn't stand wrapping his body around.

As much as Nathair trusted Linh, he realised then that his trust only ran so deep. I do not want to tell her how my kind... die, in case she leaves me.

He would not be the reason one of his kind might materialise in Tenebris, the afterworld. His brothers were breeding, and Nathair didn't want to be the reason a young, mindless Mavka had their skull crushed. The idea left him feeling hollow.

He knew how it felt and wouldn't wish it upon any Mavka. His trust in humans was, justifiably, low.

"I came here for a r-e-a-s-o-n – reason," Nathair continued. "I came to this part of the world to be away from my kind, from humans, and to be near the beach. I..."

He paused when he realised his hands were beginning to shake. He was trembling because the future he'd decided for himself was unravelling due to this female before him. It was still a possibility, and it was a saddening one.

Sucking in a calming breath through his nose hole, he let it out with renewed strength.

"I had planned to see if I could fight the fragments on my own. I found my pond, and this cave, by accident, but I chose to remain for a reason."

He'd originally slipped inside the pond to escape his mother pointlessly mothering him like a weakened baby bird. She had been undoubtably kind since his return, and what did that do for her? I attacked her multiple times. All due to his fucking fragments.

And there was little Weldir could do.He'd merely saved his female by calling her back to his realm before Nathair could eat her, and likely his siblings she carried beneath her cloak.

He'd gotten a little better on his own. He controlled them better in the few months since he'd forced his family's departure. Eating a few humans seemed to have balanced him a little more. It isn't enough.

"Why did you choose it?" Linh asked when he didn't continue.

He hadn't realised he'd looked away and just placed his hand over his chest because it was hurting.

"To leave," he signed, bringing his sight back to her, and he hated the blue that swirled in it. "The world is v-a-s-t. I have eaten the souls of humans who come from other lands. I planned to leave if I could not fight this, and find a place to r-e-s-t-a-r-t. To swim in the ocean until I was l-o-s-t – lost, and let it be my life, find what treasures lay on the ocean floor. My only e-n-e-m-y would be the s-h-a-r-k-s and the Demons, and it meant I could not harm anyone that did not deserve it, humans i-n-c-l-u-d-e-d."

"Y-you were planning to leave?" she asked, her voice breaking an octave.

Nathair shook his head. "Nothing is set in rock."

Her dark brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

His orbs deepened in their blue hue. "I cannot answer that without breaking my p-r-o-m-i-s-e – promise – to you."

Her brows furrowed again, and her soft lips pursed along with them. "Your promise?"

"My answer could be considered m-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-i-v-e," he signed.

"B-but it's not meant to be, right? I won't take it that way." She looked up at him expectantly. When he didn't answer, she hooked her pinkies together. "Promise."

He waited to see if there was truth in that, but what point was there in hiding the facts? It was how he felt, and likely what he would do.

"Will you stay here with me if I help your people?" When her lips parted, as if in surprise, he didn't like that her next words were likely to be a garbled mess of unsure. "T-r-u-t-h-f-u-l-l-y, what point would there be in your staying? You s-e-e-k to feel safe. If I destroy everything that makes you scared, you have no use for me. I will no longer matter."

"That's not true, Nathair," she stated, her eyes crinkling in sadness. "You're making it sound like I don't feel anything for you. I care deeply for you, and you mean more to me than you seem to even realise. My feelings for you are not hollow, Nathair, and I wish you wouldn't think that."

"But is it enough?" he asked, his usually steady fingers twitching in uncertainty. "My home is here, in this cave, where I cannot hurt anyone. You miss your people, your family, your home. Is what you feel for me more than your desire to return to those things?"

"That's not fair," she cried, licking at her lips.

He let out a soft growl, and his gestures became aggressive. "You promised!"

She flinched and then nodded. "I... I don't know. This feels like it's moving too fast, and I'm scared." Despite her bubbling tears, she did meet his gaze. "W-would you come to my home with me?"

The tension bunching his muscles eased a little. She wants me to go with her?

He'd already stated why he was afraid to be near his own kind, let alone humans who could smell of fear or blood – although that would be mostly nullified if she gifted him her soul and removed his hunger. But the fact she'd even offeredit... proved he'd been wrong.

She does hold me in her heart.

Perhaps a small piece, but enough to ask him, a Mavka, a literal fucking monster, to greet her people by her side. Would she have done so proudly? Would she have held his hand and said he was her partner, or even a friend?

He wanted to. If that was the answer, then he wanted to go with her.

"I cannot. I will kill your people by accident," he signed. "If you do not remove my hunger, there will only be d-e-s-t-r-u-c-t-i-o-n where I go. Even if you do, I may harm you, or someone, due to my fragments."

"But if you clear out the mountain springs, we could stay there. It's currently filled with Demons, and no human dares go near them or into the cave systems, but it's right near my village."

Well, that sounded dangerous for her people. Demons inhabiting a place so close to their village only made him wonder how they'd all survived so long.

"What if I slip into a fragment while I am near your people?" He took in a long, calming breath once more, just to steady himself and stop his hands from shaking. "What if you change your mind, Linh? You may find another male, one that is pretty like you, and is kind to you. I am a Mavka. I have a skull–"

"I know what you are, Nathair!" she shouted, her eyes clenching shut and her fists bunching. "Why do you keep stating it like I care? I've already told you how I feel about your exterior. T-this morning, I even tried to worship it my own way, so please stop referring to yourself as what you are, like I need reminding. I can see you, have seen you, have even touched you, and have desired you since the beginning, even when you were a little scary."

His head reared back in surprise. With her little hands balled into fists and her eyes clenched shut, she'd roared her words. It only made him swallow the truth of them with a heavy lump of emotion.

But it wasn't enough.

I am not human.He couldn't escape this nagging worry that if he were to travel with her to her people, she'd realise just how much of a monster he was. Right now, he was comforting, he was safe.

When she felt that again, what use was he? There were other males, ones like her, ones that didn't have voices screaming at them from inside their heads. Ones who had soft flesh, and two legs. Who could give her the kisses she obviously sought whenever she lathered them over his skull.

As I said to her, I am not a holy being.And his orbs shifted to dark orange in crushing guilt when he realised just how much he selfishly wished to keep her. Enough to separate her from her people forever, enough to not give her the chance to realise how odd their pairing was.

This is doomed to fail.

He hated that. He hated that he could see how deeply she wanted to protect her people, and would likely resent him when he continued to deny this wish. He hated that no matter what he did, whether he helped them or not, she would eventually go back to humankind. Nathair doubted he, and what he could offer – this life – would be good enough for not just her, but any human.

Being with her own kind was not unjustified, but this relationship just wouldn't work otherwise.

He also hated that he... didn't care.

As he'd said to her, if he could not have her, he would like a taste of her. To be someone she remembered fondly in the future, as someone she had temporarily desired, and someone who may have helped... heal her. Someone he, in his own selfish way, hoped she regretted leaving behind.

I want her for as long as she wants me, and then more.His heart radiated with tender affection and a sickening cold pang.

"You promised that you would take my plans as what they are: truth. If you do not stay, I do not think I will be able to fight my fragments on my own. I worry about how much they will crush me in your absence."

He worried they would return tenfold and obliterate him from the inside out. They'd tortured him more violently than ever when he'd returned to life. He kept wondering if her being here meant he would need to restart.

Her lips trembled as she took in his words. Nathair revelled in the heartsick he could see in her expression because it was proof he meant something to her.

"It will not be long before I leave." If it wasn't for her, he would have been scouring the bottom of the ocean by now.

She opened her mouth to say something, only to shut it. Her sweet tears, all for his sake, doubled in their strength. "But what if I change my mind?"

His head tilted. "It will be too late."

He just hoped it wouldn't be. That, once again, he was wrong, and she came to love him so deeply that nothing else mattered.

"Let's not speak about this anymore,"he signed, before leaning forward to cup both sides of her head.

He nuzzled one of her wet cheeks with the blunted tip of his bony snout, then licked across it. Linh gripped his horns to anchor herself and bumped against him as if to return his affection.

"Thank you for answering my questions, even though it upset me," she whispered, burying her face against his skull. She wrapped her arms around his neck to hold him tightly, and he slipped his hands around her back to do the same. "In retaliation... here, have all my tears."

She rubbed her puffy and wet face all over his. Nathair chuckled, accepting each drop with fondness. He was just pleased she'd decided to be cute with him, rather than be a sulking mess on her own.

When they pulled back, she had the saddest smile curling her lips. He did want to make it up to her.

Perhaps I can take her to the forest again.