52. Grief

Chapter fifty-two

Grief

*AURELIA*

I manage to help Arden shower to wash off the blood and dirt of the day before he drops into our bed. His exhaustion kicks in, and he falls asleep almost instantly. I can still feel his grief through our bond, but I'm unsure what else to do other than to give him the comfort of the mate bond. I stay with him, holding him in my arms whenever he wakes up from a nightmare.

Every time he wakes up it's different, almost like he is struggling with the demons inside him.

"I'm sorry," he mutters the fourth time he wakes up.

"What for?" I ask quietly.

"For keeping you awake and for being a burden."

"You are not a burden," I say firmly. "Goddess, Arden. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I—I just can't put it into words. But, I told you once and will tell you as often as you need to hear it, I'm not going anywhere. Take as long as you need."

"It doesn't feel real," he says quietly. "That Vander isn't here anymore. That I will never see him smile again or talk to him. That this is it." He covers his eyes with his hand, and even through the darkness of the night I can see his tears.

I wish I were better than I am now, because I don't know what to say other than to reassure him; I'm there for him and to help him with whatever he needs.

How is Cato holding up? I ask my lycan.

I'm looking out for him, she reassures me.

When I feel Arden's breath evening out again, I grab my phone and hide in the bathroom. Without overthinking it further, I ring the first person that comes to mind. It has to be morning for them now.

Mom picks up at the second ring. "Aurelia? Sweetie, I'm so happy to hear from you!" I can almost see her beaming and smiling in front of my inner eye.

The image makes my eyes fill with tears. "Mom," I whisper.

Mom gets serious immediately. "What happened, dear?" she asks. "Are you alright? Are Nox, Tori, and Lion alright?"

"Mom," I whisper. "I don't know what to do." Then, I just blurt it all out, telling her what happened and how Vander passed away. "I feel like such a failure, Mom," I sob, unable to hold back the tears. I can't remember the last time I cried, but I can't help it now. "I should be there for him, but I don't know what to say or do. I'm such a bad mate."

"Sweetheart," Mom says sadly. "I'm so terribly sorry for what happened. Goddess, Arden shouldn't need to go through this. Listen, Aurelia, you are not doing anything wrong. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. You are there for him, you give him what he needs, you make sure he eats and sleeps, and when he talks, you listen. That's all you can do. There is no magical way to deal with grief."

"Are you really sure?" I mutter. "I think I should do something… I feel like I should put more effort into comforting him, talking more, and reassuring him more."

"There is nothing you can tell him that will erase the pain," she says. "I thought the same many years ago when your father lost his mom. I tried everything in the book to distract him and to reassure him, but in the end what he needed the most was me being there for him. You are not doing anything wrong."

"Okay." I take a deep breath, letting her words sink in. Then I nod to myself. If I freak out now, it certainly is not going to help Arden. "Thanks, Mom. I'll be heading back to bed."

"Call me when you need something."

I hang up and make my way back to bed, noticing how Arden moves slightly towards me when he feels the warmth of my body, his arm sneaking over my body to pull me closer.

The next morning starts only slightly better than the night before. Arden has stopped crying and switched his hearing aid on. He looks reluctant about leaving our room, almost like he doesn't dare to.

"Do you want to stay here?" I ask him quietly. "I can organize something to eat, and we can just stay here."

"Part of me wants to curl up in bed and not leave it for weeks," he admits, his voice strained. "But I just… can't. I can't run from reality. Vander deserves better from me. He… he always saw the best in me."

I remember Mom's words to allow him to handle his grief the way he wants without questioning it. I reach out my hand, taking his. "I know you are not hungry, but if you want to work, we need to eat something first."

"The funeral is going to be tomorrow. And I want to talk to Léna. That's the least she deserves. And Eric… and…" he pauses. "Fuck, it just feels so draining."

"You don't need to shoulder it alone," I say. "One step after another."

He wraps me in his arms. "Thank you," he mutters.

"I am not doing anything."

"Yes, you are," he says. "I don't know what I would do without you." He pauses. "I want to talk to Eric first. That's the easiest."

We leave the room together, deciding to head right to Eric. To my surprise, he is already expecting us with breakfast laid out.

"How…" Arden mutters.

"I had no idea if you would come," Eric admits. "I just hoped you would."

It proves to be a good decision to come here, because both Valerie and Eric have the power to make others comfortable in their vicinity. Arden doesn't need to hide his grief in front of them and can be himself without any pressure.

I try to think of what Mom told me; how there is no wrong way to be there for Arden. He just needs to know that I'm here and that he is allowed to grieve on his own terms. I have to respect that. After breakfast, Arden wants to discuss some things with Eric.

He takes my hand, kissing it softly. "Why don't you head out to meet with Tori and Nox and check on them? You have duties to attend to. I know that better than anyone else," he says. "I… I am okay here with Eric, I promise."

I feel torn. I hate to leave him alone, but he is right; I haven't checked in with either of my friends yet, and they are all going through a lot.

"I will be here," Eric reassures me. "I promise."

I decide to trust my mate and my cousin, and after promising each other we'll link when we are done, I leave Arden with Eric. Val accompanies me, her expression sad when we walk towards the infirmary. "If only I had been there," she says. "It's eating at me all the time. I had the power to save Vander."

"You couldn't have known," I say quietly. "You can't save everyone, Val."

"The same goes for you," she tells me. "It's not your fault what happened. And not Arden's. It was Night who pulled the trigger and Matthieu who got involved in his business."

"Knowing his dad was involved truly broke both their hearts," I say.

"I was heartbroken when I knew my sister was involved in criminal activities," Val says. "She did horrible things, but at least she didn't target me. Matthieu, however, targeted his sons by abducting Coralie and Léna. It's so cruel."

We barely make it to the infirmary when Tori runs towards us. "Aurelia," she calls out, basically jumping into my arms and hugging me tight. "I heard it from Val, last night," she mutters. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe it."

"Me neither," Lion says. "I… I don't know what to say. If I can do something for Arden, tell me. I will do anything."

"Thank you," I say, squeezing them both. "How are you holding up, Tori?"

"I'm perfectly fine," she says, "though, someone insisted I stay here the night!"

Lion looks flustered. "Just to be sure she isn't hurt!"

"And Coralie… and Léna?" I ask.

"Coralie got her wounds treated but didn't stay here," Tori says. "Léna was devastated and cried nonstop, Auri. Coralie decided to go with her back to the pack to see that she arrived safely. She wrote me a message in the morning and said Léna is with her parents, and they are watching out for her. She said she will come later today to meet with Emilien. He needs her statement for his report."

"She's really changed," Val says. "I'm surprised, but now I'm glad that Léna has her to rely on."

"Meg and Nox?" I ask at last.

"Nox didn't leave her side," Lion says. "I briefly checked on him and brought him something to eat and drink. As for Meg… she has a long road of healing ahead of her."

"Nox knows more details," Val tells me. "As Lion said, some of her outer wounds are healing, but she is severely underweight and hasn't seen much light during the last couple of years. Her mental health, however, will take the longest to heal."

"Did she wake up already?"

"Yes, she is surprisingly aware," Val says. "It helped that Annette visited her. I think Meg was very close to breaking and losing her sanity. We barely came in time, but it was still in time."

"Does she know Nox is her mate?"

"I'm not sure," she admits. "I just spoke to her briefly. She knows about wolves, fortunately. And she seems to want Nox to stay with her."

"That makes sense," I say. "Despite the trauma, Nox's presence as her mate will give her the most comfort. Nox is a great guy," I say. "And patient. He will be careful with her. I would like to see him if that's possible."

"Of course." Val takes my hand and pulls me along. "Tori and Lion, you two should go and get breakfast."

Lion takes Tori's hand into his and nods. "Tell us when you need something."

We all hesitate for a moment. None of us says it out loud, but we all feel it. Yesterday, Vander was still with us; today, he is gone, and yet we can't do anything else but make sure that the world is still turning.

"Thank you," I finally say. "Take your time, the both of you."

I turn back to Val and follow her down the corridor. Meg's room is the furthest away to give her the peace and quiet she needs. As the others said, Nox is in her room, sitting in the chair next to her bed and making sure she is safe.

He looks up when he sees me. We don't exchange any words at first, just hug each other.

"A nightmare," Nox mutters.

"It truly is," I say quietly.

I squeeze his shoulders. "But I am happy for you, Nox, for finding your mate!"

"I didn't expect it at all, but I'm so happy I met her." He smiles first, then his eyes turn sad. "I just wish the circumstances would be better, and she wouldn't have been hurt for so long." His gaze saddens further. "She is so strong, though. So strong. And I will make sure to fight alongside her."