13. Nightmares

Maria hands me the pregnancy test, and as the dunce I am, I have no idea what it means. "Is this good?" I stutter.

"Yes, silly." She laughs, tossing her long dark-brown hair back. "I'm pregnant."

I feel like the world stops spinning, and for a second, it's just her and me, and nothing else matters. Fear fills my heart, doubt, making me scared I won't be good enough as a dad, but overall I'm just beyond happy.

I'm going to be a dad!

Finally!

Maria and I celebrate the whole day. She is over a month into the pregnancy, and as werewolf pregnancies last a lesser amount of time, she will soon show. The whole week I'm in a daze of happiness.

I feel like nothing can destroy it. I will always be happy as long as I have Maria and our baby with us. We decided not to find out the gender, to surprise us. I don't mind. I would love a girl as much as I'd love a boy.

Nothing can hurt me.

Then the sirens go off.

There is shouting and screams.

DANTE!

I hear her voice before I feel the pain. The pain follows shortly afterwards, making me double over when I feel it. For a moment, I can't feel or hear anything else.

"There is a rogue attack on the western border," Liam yells. He has begun to take over more tasks from his father and is currently in charge of training the warriors. He bellows out commands and sends our warriors off immediately. "Dante, what happened!?"

I grasp my side. "It's Maria," I yell. "She wanted to visit the infirmary."

"Fuck," he curses, swiftly gathering the rest of his warriors. "To the infirmary. We need to protect them."

I feel my senses returning, turning around swiftly and shifting, before I chase wherever my senses lead me. I allow my lycan to take over as he can take up her scent. I can feel Liam and a few of our warriors short on my heels. Oh please, let her be alright.

My fear makes me run faster than usual, making me reach the infirmary within minutes. I can see it already, rogues surrounding the place and some of our nurses and doctors fighting for our patients' lives. They are no warriors, but they are giving their best.

I can spot Maria, a nasty wound on her shoulder and fear in her eyes. "MARIA," I yell through the mind link. "Get out of there. I'm coming!"

She spins around, trying to find a way out, when I can see her pause.

It all happens so fast.

There is a little child surrounded by our enemies; Maria hurries towards it and pulls it into her arms, trying to save it and take it with her while she runs.

Her screams pierce my heart when a rogue lunges at her.

I lunge towards the wolf who attacked her, ripping his head off his shoulders. Liam gains control of the situation fast, easily overpowering the attacking rogues with his magnificent beast. I shift back to my human form, hurrying to Maria.

"Dante," one of the nurses says quietly. She has been checking on her since I freed her from her attacker.

No, please don't take her from me. Please. I kneel next to her, cradling her in my arms. Please, Moon Goddess, don't take her and my baby from me.

The light in her eyes is dimmed when she looks at me. She reaches out her hand to touch my cheek. "It's alright," I try to reassure her. "You're going to be alright."

Her gaze shifts from me to something behind me.

"No, keep looking at me." I grasp her hand while a doctor tries to stop her wound from bleeding.

She smiles distantly. "I love you, Dante," she says quietly.

For a few seconds, I hear nothing; my ears seem to be ringing before I feel the bond break. It's like the air leaves my lungs, a silver knife stabbing me all over. The world around me fades into black.

A day later, I find out I would have had a girl. The baby would have been a girl. I lost her before I could even meet her.

I wake up with a gasp, my breathing rapid, my heart is beating so fast I'm scared it will jump out of my chest. It takes a while for me to realize where I am. The gentle blue-colored walls of my bedroom surround me, and a sweet yet fresh scent of oranges fills my nostrils. I can feel my heartbeat calming down.

The lycan beast inside me stirs.

Ella moves in my arms. Oh no, I woke her up. She is going to see the mess I am in. She is going to see it all. Again.

"It's okay," Ella whispers soothingly, reaching out her hand to gently touch my shoulder. My mind goes blank as I realize she indeed noticed and is aware of what happened.

We are okay, Sylvan reassures us. We are fine. Mate is here with us.

This is the first time that Sylvan has been able to reach out to me after a nightmare. Normally we are both so shaken afterwards that we aren't able to communicate with each other for hours.

"Stay here with me," Ella says, keeping me from spiraling downwards and into an actual panic attack. She grabs my face between her hands and says nothing. Just pulls me closer into a hug until I feel my head safely nestled against her chest.

I wrap my arms around her to pull her even closer against my body. For years I've been cursing the goddess as to why she didn't take me away instead of Maria. Why did she need to take my mate and unborn child from me?

I still don't understand. I still can't fully accept it, but day by day, it's getting easier to let it go, to allow Maria to become a gentle and cherished memory instead of having her live on in my nightmares.

Ella brought the light back into my life, and I can slowly feel the darkness around me subsiding.

"I'm sorry," I say to Ella once I can feel my panic lessening and my mind and heart going back to normal. I used to dream of this every night, but now I'm only haunted by it occasionally. Ella is my new light, my new life. To me, she brought back my reason to fight to overcome the darkness. I stand up every day, looking forward to seeing her. Even imagining losing her makes my heart stop beating in fear. Sometimes I'm scared I will wake up and she'll be gone. I won't survive such a loss a second time. I try not to be too overbearing, not too overprotective, because I'm scared of suffocating her. And I talk to Liam a lot about it, whenever I feel like I'm not being good enough for Ella.

My sweet Ella got a broken mate when she deserves so much better.

Ella shakes her head. "Don't be sorry," she says quietly while I nuzzle my nose into her neck to take a lungful of her sweet scent. "I love you," she says into the silence. For a long while, I believed I would never hear these words again. "I love you."

My heart swells in affection for this woman. "I love you too."

"Do you want to stay in bed or get up and go for a walk?" she offers.

Normally I'd be up for a walk, even if it was windy or rainy or in the middle of the night, like now, but I shake my hand. "Let's not wake up Charlie," I say. "School starts for her tomorrow."

"Right." Ella nods.

For a while silence lingers around us. "She will come around," I tell her, finally deciding to voice what she is scared of. "I know she hasn't quite accepted me yet, but that's okay."

"Are you sure?" Ella asks, worried.

"Yes, you are her first real connection to her family, everything that's left," I say. "She is only fifteen and has only known me for a few weeks. I can handle it."

"If you ever feel like you can't, tell me," Ella says. "I think we really need to communicate well."

"Alright." I sit up a bit, feeling a bit lighter already. I wrap my arms around her to pull her closer. "I think we are doing quite well."

We have never recovered that fast, Sylvan says proudly. Having mate here with us and our niece next door helps.

"We do." Ella smiles. "Took us a while, though."

She is right. In the beginning, we were probably bonding due to our trauma, both of us terrified to open up. I still am scared to lose her; well aware Sylvan and I won't be able to survive the loss of a mate a second time, but I never regret having accepted her as my mate. It's worth the risk.

"So, what now?" I ask while Ella straddles my hips.

"Hm," Ella hums. "How about we read something together?"

"You want to read for me?" I ask, amused.

"We could take turns," she offers. "Or is that weird? It's weird, isn't it?"

"No." I smile. "It's a beautiful idea."

"It is," she says, her smile turning into a smirk. "But maybe afterwards."

"Afterwards…" I raise my brows while helping her to get rid of her pajama top. "After what?"

Ella just laughs. "You have never been good at teasing me. Too honest, I guess." She bends forward. "But I don't mind," she whispers. "I can tease you instead."

I thank the goddess that we agreed to have our room soundproofed. At that point of time, we didn't expect to live with a kid soon, but we just wanted to be prepared for all eventualities. For once my control issues paid off.

Ella entwines our fingers, pressing down on my hands for balance while she lowers herself on my cock. Feeling her walls tighten around me is the best feeling in the world. It's fast and rough this time, with us both chasing our urges. Ella's palms move to my chest and then up to my neck. She bends down further for a kiss. My own hands move up her spine and through her hair, pulling her down further while I thrust up into her.

"Fuck," she moans when I hit her sweet spot, making her arch her back and revealing her perky breasts to me. I bite into one of her nipples before sucking at it. Meanwhile, Ella moves her hand between our bodies to touch her clit.

Fuck, she is so hot. Everything about her is amazing.

"Ella," I groan, grabbing her by her hips and turning us over. I grab her to pull her closer, burying my dick deeper into her.

This gives me a better angle to pleasure her.

"Faster," she begs.

I oblige, snapping my hips forward while pulling Ella up. She digs her nails into my back, drawing a growl from me. Ella pushes her hips against mine, meeting me midway, her walls clenching around my cock until I feel the pressure turning almost unbearable.

Neither of us holds back, both chasing our release, until we drop down next to each other, sated.

"This was what I needed," Ella breathes out, as always so honest. I always found that endearing about her.

"Next time I will make sure to cherish your body from head to toe and make you beg for more," I promise.

"Look at that." She smiles. "You can be a tease if you want to."

I let my fingers brush through her hair. "You have enriched my life so much, Ella. Without you, I would have remained a living shell."

"You did the same for me," she says.

"And now we have our niece with us," I add.

Ella smiles. "We have become a little family."

I nod, feeling like I should say more. I want to tell her that one day I hope we can add a little baby to our family. Sylvan already started to build a bond to Charlie; he sees her as his own niece, almost like we adopted her.

But whenever I think of growing our family, I feel terrified. I wasn't able to protect Maria or our unborn pup. They were just gone. One night I went to sleep as a husband, mate, and soon-to-be dad, and not even twenty-four hours later, I lived in a world where I had lost them both.

Ella looks at me. It seems like she wants to say something, but then she just brushes her fingers over my face.

"So, what do you want to read together?" I ask her. My voice sounds hoarse to my own ears. I feel like her previous suggestion might actually be helpful and healing.

"Wait, you mean it?" She sits up abruptly. "You don't think it's a stupid idea?"

"Not at all," I reassure her. "I think it's a wonderful idea."

"Should we start right now?" she asks.

"Would you be up for that?"

"Yes, I don't think I can return to sleep immediately. Let me just take a quick shower. I feel sticky."

"Same," I agree. Fortunately, Charlie's room is far away from ours; she won't wake up from us going to the bathroom.

Ella and I both freshen up shortly and change our pajamas before snuggling up against each other in our bed again. Ella has a stash of books with her. "Dave gave me some romance novels," she says, furrowing her brows. "And I borrowed some crime novels from Annie. Oh, and I got some classics from the library. Never was a big reader and missed out on a lot."

Seems like she really was serious about wanting to read more.

"I really don't mind," I reassure her. "Just pick something randomly."

"Good idea." She reaches out her hand and grabs the first book. "Love in the Time of Cholera," she cites. "A classic."

"I've heard about this," I say. "But never managed to read it. Good first pick."

Ella lays back down and leans against my arm. "Once we wrap up this one, you can choose the next."