Chapter 9

Nine

" W infield told me I would find you here."

Cordelia looked up from the book she'd been reading. Nathaniel had entered the library and presently strode toward her. "And so I am," she said, then cringed at the edge in her voice. Hostility would not do. She pulled in a breath as she closed the book. "I am sorry. I do not mean to sound cross."

A weak smile pulled at his lips. "Think nothing of it." Nathaniel sat beside her on the settee. "I've concluded that I have gone about everything all wrong. Unfortunately, I cannot rewind time, but I am sorry for the way I have attempted to manage you and how I forced you into accepting me."

Cordelia swung her legs from the settee and angled her body toward him. "I have been thinking too. You do not bear all the burdens of the situation. I played my role in the debacle too. I have been hasty and unforgiving. Quick to cast you as a villain and unbendable in my convictions."

Nathaniel grasped her hand in his. "Can we move forward… together?"

The raw emotion in his gaze chipped away at Cordelia's heart, and she averted her gaze. "I am not sure."

"Cordelia." He reached up, his fingers brushing against her chin and directing her gaze back to his. "Why are you unsure? Tell me what you need? Anything at all, and you shall have it."

She was taken aback by the sincerity in his hazel eyes. If he truly meant what he'd said, then perhaps there was hope for them. Still… "I need to understand your past. Why do you choose to be a rogue?" She nibbled at her lower lip. "And you need to understand mine, as well."

Nathaniel nodded, then settled back against the settee. "Who should go first?"

"You. Tell me about your childhood. About all the things that led you to a life of scandal and excess," Cordelia said, desperate to understand him and hoping with all her heart that understanding him would make a difference.

"I will not bore you with semantics or basic knowledge, as you already know most of it. My mother died shortly after I was born. I was raised at the neighboring estate until being sent away to school…" his voice trailed off, and he waved a dismissive hand. "You also know how cold and stern my father is."

Cordelia shook her head. "It could not have been easy growing up with such a parent."

"Honestly, as a small boy, I did not realize how harsh Father was. I looked up to him and wanted to be just like him. I did whatever I could to emulate him and please him. It wasn't until I realized I would never please him that I recognized him for what he is… an exacting brute. I could not wait to go away to school. To get away from him. But I still wanted his approval. Still strove to please him."

Cordelia's heart ached for him. She reached out and squeezed his hand, saying, "Of course you did. All children want their parents to be proud of them."

"Indeed." Nathaniel blew out a breath, then continued. "My first session at school, I made high marks and joined activities I thought would please Father. When Christmas break came about, I was excited to return home for the holiday. I thought Father would surely be pleased with my achievements. I sat in my room for hours with my trunks packed, waiting for the family coach. One by one, all the other boys were fetched by their families, and still, I waited. That year, I spent Christmas with the schoolmaster. In the years that followed, I went home with the Duke of Selkirk. He had a way of collecting unwanted boys."

Nathaniel smiled, but Cordelia could see the hurt in his gaze.

"Once I completed my schooling, I returned home. I must have been daft because I truly believed Father would be pleased to have me return. That he would be proud of me and ready to take me under his wing. He gave me tasks involving the estate, but spent little time with me. No matter how well I performed the duties he laid out for me, Father always found me lacking. He berated me and made fun of me when I grew upset."

A chill trickled down Cordelia's spine at the way Nathaniel seemed to look right through her. He was seated beside her, but might as well have been somewhere else entirely. She experienced a moment's remorse at making him relive the past. "You needn't continue," she said, her voice soft.

Her words seemed to pull him back to her. He stared into her eyes and said, "I need to. I want you to hear it all."

Cordelia nodded her understanding.

Nathaniel cleared his throat. "After a while, I stopped trying to please him. I lost all respect for him, and for the first time in my life, I saw him for what he was—a cold-hearted bastard. I stopped caring what he thought. Stopped trying to meet his standards. Instead, I went out of my way to disappoint him. I started drinking heavily and gambling to excess, though I never squandered blunt I did not have. Women came along with the lifestyle and seemed to infuriate Father the most. The more affairs I had, the angrier he got. And the angrier I made him, the better. It was my form of retribution."

He paused and took Cordelia's hand. "Please understand that none of the women in my past meant anything. They were widows or light skirts. The arrangements were mutually beneficial, and no hearts were broken. I've never ruined a lady or bedded a married woman. I have always had standards, Cordelia. My reputation is tarnished, but it is not beyond repair. More than anything I want to repair it now. I want to be the man you and our child deserve."

She wanted to wrap her arms around him and comfort him. Her heart ached for the boy he'd been and the man he became. More than anything, Cordelia wanted to trust him. But trust did not come easy. She held his gaze and asked, "Will you be faithful to me?" the slight tremor in her voice unsettled her.

"I would not have said my vows if I did not mean them."

Cordelia sighed. "There will be no mistresses? No trysts? No unfaithfulness of any kind?"

"You are my wife, Cordelia. For better or worse, I have bound myself to you. There will never be another woman."

"I want to believe you. Part of me does because I can see the sincerity in your gaze, and I understand why you lived as you did, but it is hard for me to trust. My childhood was anything but roses. Father's affairs caused no end of embarrassment and hurt for Mother and me. And while Mother was not as harsh as your Father, she was often hurtful. I do not want that life for this baby." Cordelia flattened her hands over the gentle curve of her belly. "This child will be loved."

Nathaniel laid his hand over hers. "Our child is already loved."

Cordelia smiled up at him, her heart growing fuller by the second. "If you can promise to take your time with me and to remain faithful, I will promise to do my part, too. I do not wish to share a bed… yet. But perhaps if we take the time to know each other better?"

"We have a lifetime. No matter how much time you need, you have it. When you are ready for more than cohabitation and companionship, I will be here." He tipped her chin up and stared into her eyes. "I will always be here, Cordelia, for you and for our child."