Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

Falcon leaned back, his arm over the deck railing, watching everyone in the restaurant, on the beach, and milling around on the sidewalk and parking lot.

He was feeling very grateful for his highly attuned observation skills, because he could keep an eye on everyone around them, and also be focused on Bella.

Her hair was blowing in the light breeze, and her sunglasses hid her gorgeous blue eyes. She looked relaxed and happy, like a woman without a care in the world.

He knew some of what she hid beneath that smile, but at the same time, he could sense the lightness in her spirit.

Jumping out of the plane had healed something inside her, and he knew it.

“Falcon? What are you thinking?” she asked as she raised her glass of water to take a sip.

He spoke without realizing what he was saying. “That jump healed something inside you. A past trauma, maybe. Or an old identity. I can’t tell what it is exactly, but I can tell that it has healed.”

She paused, the water glass halfway to her mouth. “What?”

He waved his hand toward her heart. “There’s gold in your heart now that wasn’t there before. Some of the shadows are gone.”

She put her glass down. “Gold? In my heart?”

“Gold light.” He moved his fingers in an instinctive design, tracking the shape of the gold he could see in her heart chakra. “It’s—” He froze suddenly, his fingers in midair, aware of Bella staring at him like he was crazy.

Son of a bitch. He dropped his hand, picked up his drink, and looked away. “I wonder when our food is going to get here.”

Bella leaned forward. “Falcon. What’s going on?”

He looked across the beach. “Nothing. I don’t see any threats.”

She touched his arm, making him jump. “Talk to me, Falcon.”

He ground his jaw. Hell, he liked it when she touched him. “No.” He knew damn well that any chance he had with Bella would end if she knew the truth about him. “It’s nothing.” He turned to face her. “Do you have the address to the event tonight? I’d like to drive by after lunch and check it out so I can figure out the best way to keep you safe.”

Bella sat back in her chair and folded her arms over her chest. “Well, this will take care of that great kiss. Thanks.”

He raised his brows. “What will?”

“You shutting me out. I mean, the kiss was amazing, and I was thinking I wanted to do it again, but then you became an uncommunicative oaf, and it reminded me of why I will never date again, so I appreciate it.” She stood up. “In fact, I think I’m going to go do something in a big crowd right now. I’ll see you.”

He started laughing. “Hell, Bella. You think you’re weak?”

She tossed him a look. “No. I jumped out of a plane. Now I think I’m a badass. Honestly, I wouldn’t even have cared about your gold light thing, but you got so weird about it that now I want to know.”

Falcon clasped his hands behind his head and swore.

Bella sat back down and put her purse on the table.

He studied her.

She waited.

Weirdly, a part of him wanted to tell her what was going on with him. A part of him wanted some help. Someone to tell him he wasn’t crazy. But… “I’m fucking terrified that if I tell you, you’ll walk away and I’ll never see you again. And you’ll ban the rest of the Harts from me.”

Her eyes widened. “I’d never do that.”

He let out his breath. “I have so little to count on, Bella. I can’t lose what I have.”

She leaned forward, her arms stretched out toward him. “We’ll always be there for each other, Falcon. Always. Our past holds us linked.”

“The past you want to walk away from?”

She nodded. “Yep, that very past.”

He looked past her, staring at the patrons behind her. “I don’t know how to trust people,” he finally said. But sitting there with Bella, he wanted to. He fucking wanted to build a bridge with her, but he had no idea how.

He looked down at his hands, which had started to burn again. He reached out and took Bella’s hand. “Feel hot now?”

As he knew she would, she looked surprised. “Your hand feels like it’s on fire. Why?”

He released her hand and flexed his fingers, wanting to haul ass to the ocean and plunge his hands in there. “When I put my hands in salt water, it helps.”

She cocked her head, curiosity evident on her face. “Did you contract some tropical disease or something?”

He shrugged. “Something like that.” That was all he could say.

She leaned back. “Something like that,” she repeated.

He could hear the disappointment in her voice. He’d hurt her by not telling her what was going on. Fuck. He wanted to be a husband and dad. He wanted to give kids a home that he never had. And here he was, with the woman he wanted, shutting her out because he was scared?

Fuck.

Was this what it was like to have a relationship? Because if it was, then…

Then he had to be what she deserved. “Fine.” He leaned forward. “When I was in Sedona, Arizona a few years ago, I met this guy and he said, I was a healer.”

She blinked. “A healer?”

“Yeah. I met him at a roadside tavern, and he walked up and said I was a healer, and I was blocking it. He said the world needed me, and I was shutting down my gift.”

To his surprise, Bella didn’t tell him he was crazy. “What kind of healer?” she asked instead.

He shrugged and waved his hands. “Apparently, I have magic hands. I can touch people and heal them. Past traumas, and also physical healing.”

Her eyes widened. “Can you?”

“Can I?” He leaned in, surprised by her reaction, as if it could be true. “Don’t you think it’s weird? And I’m crazy?”

Bella’s face softened. “Falcon, the world needs gifts like that. I’ve never met anyone who can do it, but why wouldn’t it be possible? And why not you?”

“Because I grew up in violence, surrounded by drug addiction and murder. And I spent half my life in the darkest of places chasing a vile monster. I’m too tainted and dirty to save anyone.”

“Hey.” She sat up. “Never say that. None of us are dirt. It doesn’t matter what we’ve done or been through. You know that. How can you even say that? Our circumstances don’t devalue our worth. Ever.”

He ran his hands through his hair, restless. Unsettled. He wanted to move. To run. “Bella, the things I’ve done over the last twenty years would make you want to never look at me again?—”

“Shut up.” She leaned forward. “Can you heal people with your touch, Falcon?”

“No.” He threw up his hands, surrendering to her questions. He couldn’t make her see the stains on his soul if she didn’t want to. It was irritating, but at the same time, he felt like dropping to his knees in gratitude. “No, I can’t heal people,” he answered. “Ever since he told me that, my hands burn when there’s someone near me who needs help. I tried a couple times, and nothing. I can see colors around people sometimes now. Like your heart. Weird shit happens around me. To me. I think I’m going crazy. And yeah, so yeah. I just—” He held up his hands. “They fucking burn. And I see colors. And I know things. And that’s…yeah. I talk to spirit guides, but they haven’t helped me with this healing thing. And—” He cut himself off. “So, yeah.”

Fuck. He felt uncomfortable. Life was so much easier when he ate every meal alone.

Bella held out her hands. “Falcon.”

“I don’t need sympathy. I just—” He looked at her, suddenly desperate. “Am I fucking crazy, Bella? You’d tell me the truth, right? Sometimes I think I could heal someone, but it’s just out of my reach. Am I…crazy?”

“No,” she said. “Take my hands, Falcon.”

He shifted, but he put his hands in hers.

She tightened her grip on him. “Falcon, when people go through really hard things, they become more. We’ve all experienced it. I think it makes perfect sense that a man like you would become a bright, shining light after darkness tried to drown him.”

He looked down at her hands around his. She was holding onto him. Not pushing him away. Not rejecting him. Holding onto him. “I can’t do it, though. If it is a gift I have, then I’m not worthy enough to have it.”

She squeezed his hands. “Oh, Falcon,” she whispered. “That’s the lie everyone tells themselves. That we’re not worthy of what we want, of what we dream of, of who we are meant to be, of life at the highest level. But it’s not true. We’re all worth it.”

He closed his eyes, focusing on the feel of her hands in his. “If I was, then I’d be able to do it.”

“Really?”

He opened his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Or is it possible you just don’t know how to do it? That no one taught you? That you have to learn how to do it like anything else in life? Or that you’ve decided you can’t, so you’re blocking it? Are any of those options possible? Is it remotely possible that there’s another reason why you don’t heal people, other than that you aren’t worthy of it?”

He stared at her, contemplating her response. “I don’t know,” he said slowly.

“Of course you don’t know. Because who knows how that works? I don’t know.”

Laughter started bubbling up inside him. “That’s a lot of ‘knows’ happening there.”

She threw up her hands. “I know!”

They both burst out laughing, and suddenly his tension was gone. Simply gone. After years of thinking he was losing his mind, Bella had made him feel normal. Safe.

Safe.

He sat back, stunned by the word that had popped into his mind. Safe. He never thought about being safe or not. He just got up every day and lived it. But until this moment, this healer shit had scared him.

And suddenly, it didn’t.