Chapter 20

Mallowater, TX, 1988

Caroline thought about crows as she tried to fix the broken kitchen sink handle. All she wanted to do was stand outside, watch the sunset, and listen to the call of the crows. She loved watching them this time of year, as they forsook their spring and summer homes for the protection of a roost. It was beautiful, the sense of community crows had in fall and winter. How they'd band together and chase away predators, keep warm, and find food.

Of course, spring always came again. The crows separated, fought over territories and mates, then would go quiet, building hidden nests and protecting eggs. Caroline enjoyed finding the nests and observing the daily life of each crow family, but something about those fall and winter night roosts stirred her soul, made her long for a different life.

She followed Jay to Texas, fueled by dopamine and dreams after a chance meeting at a Fuller Brush conference, where she was waitressing. Those raging hormones had long since subsided, and her foolish fantasies had been squashed, but she still loved Jay deeply. Loved their children, loved the life they made.

But at times, like the beginning of fall roosts, Caroline felt an unexplainable sadness. She would watch crows soar by and wish she could fly away somewhere too. It's not that she wanted to leave her family but sometimes daydreamed about what another life would have looked like. A life where she'd followed her dreams. A life with a community of colleagues who understood her and appreciated her contributions. A life where she'd never waited on Jay Hadfield's table.

Not that Jay hadn't been supportive, but being a scientist meant being dedicated and consistent. It was difficult to monitor a community of crows when Sloan was sick. No time to analyze her collected data when Ridge had a science experiment due. And it seemed it was always something with kids. She loved them. She did. But it was always something, even now that they were older. Jay being gone so often didn't help.

Caroline heard the screen door open, followed by Ridge calling to her. "Mom, Libby's here!"

Caroline tossed the screwdriver into the sink and wiped her hands on her denim shorts.

"Did you bring us something, Libby?" Caroline heard Ridge ask as she stepped into the living room.

"Ridge!" Caroline scolded.

"Oh, it's fine, Caroline." Libby reached into her purse, then put both hands behind her back. When she brought them back out, they were in fists. "Pick a hand, any hand."

Ridge bounced up and down, looking from one hand to the next before settling on the left. "This one," he said, tapping on her knuckle.

Libby opened her fist to reveal a grape Push Pop, Ridge's favorite. "Yes!" he put his hands up in the air, "I knew it was in the left!"

Libby opened her right hand, revealing an identical treat. "Take this one to your sister."

"Thanks!" Ridge was unwrapping the paper as he ran out the door calling for Sloan.

"You're spoiling them," Caroline said, leading Libby into the kitchen. "Want some coffee?"

"No thanks." Libby took a seat at the table. "And with no children of my own, I've a right to spoil somebody's."

Caroline sat across from Libby, trying not to be jealous of her perfectly curled hair and expensive cashmere sweater. "Some days, I'd give them to you, to be honest."

"Oh, come on. They're good kids."

Caroline nodded. They were. But sometimes she envied the life of her best friend. Libby had a housekeeper. She slept late and still had time every day to curl her hair and her eyelashes. She ran charities to benefit her community. She got to watch Days of Our Lives uninterrupted every day.

"So, I'm here with news, and I'm just going to say it." Libby's rings clinked as she clasped her hands together. "Vince has accepted a job at Louisiana State."

"What?" Caroline pushed her back against the seat. I thought he was happy at MCC."

"He is. But LSU reached out to him. Offered him Dean of Mathematics. This is a dream for him."

"And what about you?" Caroline heard the hard edge to her voice. "What about the Women's League or the domestic violence hotline?"

Libby raised her hands and shrugged. "They'll go on without me."

"Will you at least be here for the Christmas Toy Drive?"

"No. We'll leave by the end of October. You should run it this year," Libby said.

"No, thanks." Caroline stood and made her way to the coffee pot. She needed a cigarette, but if she wanted to avoid a lecture from Libby, caffeine would have to do.

"Okay. Why not do something else? You could organize Earth Day activities."

Caroline grabbed a coffee mug from the cabinet and set it down too forcefully on the counter. "No one in Mallowater cares about the environment. Not after eight years of Reagan convincing Americans that protecting the only planet we have is some sort of radical idea."

"Well, change their mind," Libby said.

Caroline finished pouring coffee and faced her friend. "Reagan said trees cause more pollution than automobiles, Libby. He actually said that. He removed the solar panels Carter had installed on the White House. Yet, you people worship this guy."

Libby waved her hands. "Okay, okay, I get it. It was only an idea." She stood and approached Caroline at the counter. "I worry about you sometimes. It's okay to do something outside these four walls that feeds your soul."

Heat flushed through Caroline's body. "You don't think I want to?" She slapped the counter she leaned against. "Someone's always hungry. Something's always broken. I don't have time! I can't even finish my observations, can't write my book. I damn sure can't find the time and energy to plant trees on Earth Day!" A single tear fell from her eye as Libby enveloped her in a hug.

Libby, as always, smelt of Christian Dior's Poison, Oil of Olay face cream, and Doublemint gum. A strange combination that Caroline was unsure how she'd live without.

Caroline's entire body shook. "You're only doing this for Vince. One day you'll wake up and realize it was a mistake. That he got everything, and you got nothing."

Libby pulled back from Caroline and looked her in the eye. "I'm not only doing it for Vince. I'm going back to school so I can counsel domestic violence victims."

Caroline wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "You've always wanted your degree. I'm sorry. I'll just miss you so much."

"Oh, honey." Libby tilted her head. "We'll talk every day."

Caroline turned away when the screen door scraped open again. The kids didn't need to see her like this.

"Come on," Libby said. "Dry your eyes. Let's feed the kids, and we'll open up a bottle of wine."

Jay seemed distracted, and Caroline couldn't figure out why. Maybe the transition into fall made him restless too.

"Did you get Ridge signed up for soccer?" he asked as Caroline sat in bed reading.

Not this again . Caroline glanced up from her book. "Ridge doesn't want to play soccer, Jay."

He pulled his shirt off. "Well, he needs to do something."

"And I can't find his birth certificate," Caroline added, staring up at him. He was getting soft around the middle, his stomach bulging over his jeans. "Signups are Tuesday, and we'd need it."

"So, go to the clerk and get a copy tomorrow."

Caroline took off her glasses. So much for reading. "He isn't interested in sports. He's interested in birds."

"And you're fine with him growing up to be antisocial?"

Caroline sat up straighter against the headboard. "Am I antisocial?"

"Yeah, a little." Jay slipped off his jeans and threw them toward the hamper. He missed, but he didn't seem to care. "I mean, you're depressed because Libby's leaving. I've told you all along you spend too much time with those birds and not enough time with people. If you'd listened, you'd probably have more friends."

Caroline slammed her book closed. "Well, that's a shitty thing to say. My father died, and now, I'm losing my best friend. Forgive me if I'm a little sad."

Jay slipped into bed. "Fine, be sad. But instead of spending hours out with the crows, try actual people. Join a church, volunteer for one of Libby's charities, and meet some of her other friends."

Caroline heard a pounding in her ears. "What's this about? I hardly spend any time at the creek. You'd realize that if you were ever around."

She looked Jay in the eyes, daring him to say something else, but he remained silent. He switched the lamp off on his side of the bed and reached toward her. She pulled the covers up to her chest, wishing she hadn't chosen her thin silk nightgown. She had nothing in mind when she put it on and certainly had nothing in mind now.

But Jay didn't try to touch her; he just stretched past and turned off her lamp.

"Hey," she said. "I was reading."

"Goodnight." He rolled away from her. "Don't forget to pick up the birth certificate tomorrow."

Caroline left the house before anyone else was awake. She didn't want to deal with Jay when he woke up. He told her to get the birth certificate, which meant driving to Tyler. She took her time, stopping for breakfast and a coffee. Jay could feed the kids and get them ready for the day. He probably didn't even know what time school started.

At least she only had to put up with him for the afternoon. Jay would leave after dinner to drive wherever he had to be for the next morning's sales calls.

She and Jay rarely fought. And they'd never fought about how much time she spent at the creek. Something else had to be bothering him, and he'd taken it out on her. Still, that knowledge wasn't enough to quell her anger.

By the time she made it to the public health office, she was fuming. When she got home, she was going to the creek. If Jay needed more clothes washed for work, he could handle it. If Ridge needed help with fractions, Jay could handle that too. As Caroline saw it, if she was going to be accused of being an absentee parent, AWOL at the creek, she might as well be one.

"Good morning." Caroline set her purse on the counter. "I called about a birth certificate for my son."

"Oh, yes, ma'am." A young woman in a business suit stood, handing Caroline a clipboard. "There was static on the line, but you said Hadfield, correct?"

"That's right." Caroline pulled cash out of her wallet and handed it to the woman.

"And the year of the child's birth?"

"1978," Caroline answered.

The woman held up another paper. "I accidentally printed a copy of the Certificate of Live Birth issued by the hospital. Would you like it too?"

Caroline shrugged. "Sure." The woman slipped both papers into the envelope and put it on the counter before Caroline had even finished the paperwork. Caroline signed the final line and pushed the clipboard back across the desk. "Thanks. Have a nice day."

Caroline made it out to the car before it occurred to her that she ought to ask them to make a copy for the soccer registration. That way, she could keep the original.

She walked back to the door, pulling the certificate out of the envelope.

Caroline stopped dead in her tracks when she noticed the mother's maiden name section of the certificate. Anna Elliott. They'd given her the wrong damn one. Even right after asking her. She took another step but stopped shy of pushing the door open. The mother's name was wrong but the father's wasn't. Jay Hadfield . Caroline released the door handle and turned back to her car, eyes scanning the rest of the certificate. Ridge's name wasn't on it at all. She opened her car door and fell into the driver's seat, staring at the name until the letters blurred.

Who the hell was Bradley Hadfield, and why was Jay listed as his father?