Chapter 17

Mallowater, TX, 1995

Sloan stared at the pile of unpaid bills. Mom always stacked them at her dad's former place at the table, a move Sloan suspected wasn't accidental. There was no way Dad could pay them sitting in jail. No way Mom could pay them without a job. So that meant they were Sloan's responsibility—a nineteen-year-old's responsibility She had been working for Doreen at her salon since she was thirteen, sweeping up hair, cleaning toilets, making appointments, and counting back change. At sixteen, she added a paper route, and two days after her graduation last month, a third job, a cashier at Blockbuster Video. But it still wasn't enough. The bill stack always grew.

Walt and Doreen helped. They'd paid bills, set Caroline up for public assistance, given Sloan unwarranted bonuses, and even bought her first car— a used but reliable Honda Accord. They'd bought Noah one too, but Sloan wondered how much nicer his would be if his parents felt no obligation toward Sloan. If Sloan had parents, she could count on for things everyone else her age counted on their parents for—cars, college, food on the table.

Sloan grabbed the bills and sorted them by priority. She hadn't paid electricity last month, so she'd better get caught up. Nope, never mind. Car insurance was due this month. That meant nothing else would get paid.

The phone interrupted her sorting. The stranger on the other end of the line asked for her.

Sloan knew it wasn't a bill collector since she hadn't asked for Caroline. No big anniversary of her brother's death was coming up, so it probably wasn't a reporter. She took a chance.

"This is Sloan."

"Hello, Sloan. This is Roberta Perry. I'm a recruiter at LeTourneau University in Longview, Texas."

Sloan slumped against the wall. She'd considered LeTourneau. But even with three jobs and financial aid, paying the tuition would be impossible.

"I mailed an application to your residence yesterday. Once you receive it, please send it back along with your high school transcript and admissions essay as soon as possible. All the instructions are —"

"Mrs. Perry," Sloan interrupted, "thanks, but I'm not interested in attending your university." She caught the sharpness of her tone and tried to soften it. "It's just not in my budget."

"That's why I'm calling, Sloan." Roberta's voice grew chipper. "I have some wonderful news. A donor contacted us, and they would like to pay for your education."

Sloan's entire body tensed. "Very funny. Who is this?"

"This isn't a joke. Of course, you'll have to go through the admissions process, but if you are accepted, this donor will pay one hundred percent of your educational costs, plus a dorm room and basic meal plan, as long as you maintain passing grades."

Sloan's legs shook beneath her. She pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and stretched the phone cord so she could sit. "Who's paying?"

"They wish to remain anonymous. I'll leave you my number in case you have questions filling out the application."

Sloan sat in the chair, frozen with the phone still in her hand for several minutes after the call ended. She was afraid to hang up. Afraid the phone would ring again, and Roberta Perry would say she'd called the wrong number.

Who would pay for her college education? There is no way Walt and Doreen could afford it. No way they'd want her to leave Mallowater and go to Longview, even if it was just an hour away. Doreen had been pushing her to fill out applications to Mallowater Community College's beautician program since the beginning of senior year.

"What are you doing just sitting there?" Caroline shuffled into the room, eyes half-closed and still wearing her pajamas. "Hang up the phone. That costs money. You're wasting electricity."

Sloan sighed. How was this woman and the brilliant scientist her father always talked about the same person? She hung up and walked to the fridge. "How many eggs do you want?"

"None." Caroline poured water into the coffee pot.

"You need to eat something. You keep losing weight."

"Okay, fine. Get me a bowl of cereal." Caroline rubbed her hands through her disheveled hair. "If you keep making me eat like this, I'll look like Anna Hadfield."

"You mean healthy?" Sloan opened the pantry door. "That's how Anna looks because she takes care of herself."

"And how do you know what Anna Hadfield looks like?" Caroline sneered. "You sneaking off with her again?"

"Stop. The last time I saw her was the same time you did." Sloan realized immediately it was a mistake to bring up that day. Nothing made Sloan's mother happier than recounting that incident.

"That's right," Caroline said. "That bitch had the audacity to show up on my property." She chuckled. "You should've seen her eyes when I stepped out on the porch holding your grandpa's old pistol."

Sloan had seen Anna's eyes, though she doubted they were as wide as hers. Because when Sloan saw her mother with the gun, she was sure she would fire it right into Anna's chest. Sloan didn't know why Anna was at their house that day. Nor why Anna still tried to call a few times each year. She didn't want to see or talk to her father's wife, but she didn't want her dead.

"How about those Frosted Flakes?" Caroline asked over the gurgling of the coffee pot.

Sloan moved around a few boxes in the pantry. "Looks like we're out of cereal."

"Well, why did you ask me if I wanted some?"

Sloan rested her head against the pantry. "How about some eggs instead?"

"I'll just go to the store," Caroline said.

"I don't get paid till Friday," Sloan reminded her.

"What happened to my money? All the money my daddy left me?" Caroline asked.

"I wish I knew." Sloan grabbed her own coffee mug and poured a cup. "You told me how much you inherited, but by the time you gave me access to the account, there was less than five thousand dollars."

"Well, what the hell did you spend five grand on?"

Sloan clenched her teeth. "Mortgage, utilities, Frosted Flakes."

"And that haircut?"

Sloan ran a hand through her shaggy bob. "Doreen doesn't charge me."

"Well, good. I wouldn't pay a dollar for a cut that makes it look like I just rolled out of bed." Caroline set her mug down too hard, and a trail of black liquid dripped down the white porcelain. "I'll finish my research soon and write my book. That money will set us up for a while."

Us. A while. Sloan didn't like the sound of those words together. She thought about the call from the recruiter. Her expenses would be paid, so whatever she made working could go to her mom. That, together with the welfare, ought to be enough for Caroline to get by. "Speaking of the future, I've been planning for college."

"Did I ever tell you crows have regional dialects?" Caroline asked.

Sloan threw up her hands. "Are you even listening? I want to go to LeTourneau. Longview is close enough that I can still come home and help when needed."

"What's wrong with the community college here?" Caroline asked.

"Nothing," Sloan said. "But I was offered a full scholarship to LeTourneau." It wasn't a lie, she figured. Not exactly.

Caroline's laugh was joyless. "Who gave you a scholarship? Daughters of Convicted Killers?"

"Not funny." Sloan kept her eyes on her mother's coffee cup. World's Best Mom , it boasted. Sloan had bought it as a Mother's Day gift when she was five. Back when she still thought it was true.

Caroline cleared her throat. "As I was saying, the sounds crows use to communicate with other birds are different depending on where they live. If a crow moves to a new area, he'll learn to mimic the tone of the dominant crows in the region."

"Okay, Mom, but about college—"

"So that's what you want to do?" Darkness crossed Caroline's eyes. "You want to fly off to Longview and attend a fancy private Christian school. You want to try to fit in with the cool crows?"

"Come on, Mom. How could I turn down a free ride?"

Caroline raised her coffee mug to her lips. "You'll never fit into their flocks. You can change the way you caw, but they will see right through you."

Sloan knelt, pretending to sort pans in a cabinet by the stove. She didn't want her mother to see that she'd gotten to her, but Caroline was right. Sloan would never fit in at LeTourneau. She squeezed her eyes shut, wondering how the hollowness in her chest could somehow feel this heavy.

"Mallowater Community College is a good school, Sloan. Cheap, too. We'll figure out a way to pay for what financial aid doesn't," Caroline said.

Sloan blew out a long breath and lowered her head. She noticed a penny nearly pushed under the stove. She remembered her last breakfast with her dad and smiled despite herself. "We could make washers."

"Huh?"

"Nothing." Sloan closed the cabinet and stood, accidentally kicking the penny underneath the oven. "You're right. I'll finish my application to MCC after work."

"Good girl." Caroline lowered her coffee cup and smiled. Sloan searched her mother's smile, trying to find a glimmer of the bright, nurturing, and generous woman she'd once been. It was no use. Caroline Radel was lost. Lost like Ridge at Crow's Nest Creek. Lost like Jay Hadfield after Vietnam. Lost like the penny underneath their oven. Lost like Sloan's dream of a new beginning.

The night air was unusually chilly for June. Sloan pulled her hoodie over her head as Noah added another piece of wood to the crackling fire.

"Everything okay?" Noah asked. "You seem quiet."

Sloan looked up through the rustling trees at the black sky, so clear she could detect hints of colors in the stars. "Which stars are the hottest again?"

Noah sat next to her on the gravelly ground and looked up. "Blue's the hottest, followed by white, yellow, and orange. Red's the coolest."

"Sounds like you are enjoying your astronomy class. Sloan took a deep breath. It was now or never. "I hear LeTourneau has an excellent science program."

Noah laughed. "Maybe so, but you know I'm going into the Academy."

"But why? Is that what you want?"

Noah brought a shoulder to his ear. "I guess."

"You guess? Come on; you don't have to do what your dad wants. This is your entire life you're talking about."

"And that's why you're headed to beauty school?" Noah asked.

"Well, actually . . ." Sloan picked up a pinecone and tossed it into the fire. The sap popped and hissed.

"Well, actually what?" Noah's back straightened.

"I'd like to study education."

Noah smiled warmly. "I can see you as a teacher. You can get your basics at MCC and transfer somewhere else."

"That's the thing." Sloan grabbed a pine needle and twirled it around in her fingers. "I don't want to go to MCC."

Noah's face fell the slightest bit. "Okay. Where do you want to go?"

"LeTourneau," Sloan said. "Someone's offering to pay my tuition and living expenses if I do."

"What? Who?"

Sloan shrugged. "Anonymous donor. I realize I'd be dumb to throw that away, but I'm not sure I can leave Mom."

"Oh, come on, Sloan." Noah playfully punched her shoulder. "Didn't you just tell me I don't have to do what my dad wants? That it's my life?"

Sloan huffed. "It's not the same, and you know it."

"We'd help with your mom," Noah said. "And it's close. Close enough to drive home every weekend."

Sloan squeezed her fists, forcing her fingernails into her palms. "I wouldn't come back every weekend. The whole point would be to get away."

An owl hooted in the distance. "You wouldn't want to see me every weekend?" Noah asked.

Sloan looked away, sifting the words in her mind like sand, trying to soften a blow she didn't want to administer. "I just think I'd be lousy at long distance. I mean, aren't most people?"

"You wouldn't be lousy at it. I could go there on the weekends. We would make it work." A line etched between Noah's eyebrows. "Unless you're telling me you don't want to make it work."

Sloan wasn't sure what she was trying to tell him. She loved Noah. Always had. A part of her wanted him to follow her to school because he'd always been a safe place for her. But another part of her craved a new place. A new life.

But when she looked into Noah's eyes, wet with tears, she couldn't say any of it. "I do want to make it work. I'm sorry. Everything just feels turned upside down right now."

Noah scooted close, putting his arm around her. "We'll figure it out, Sloan," he said, rubbing her back. "That's what we do. Figure things out."

Over the next month, Sloan completed her application to Mallowater Community College. She completed her FAFSA, chose her classes, and visited the campus.

Without telling anyone, she did the same for LeTourneau. Sloan had told her mother she was staying; she'd told Noah she was staying; she'd even told herself she was staying, but she couldn't bring herself to tell LeTourneau.

The tour of the LeTourneau campus only solidified her mother's words—she would never fit in. These students had money, family, and faith. Arguably, the three biggest deficits in her own life. Yet, it was hard to close the door on a free education. Noah didn't seem to grasp that, and why would he? His parents were paying for him to go to college. For Noah, college would just be an extension of childhood. One where he could practice adulthood without having to foot the bill.

She glanced at the clock. One more hour until her shift at Blockbuster ended. At least she didn't have to close tonight. She'd get home in time to catch Friends and Seinfeld.

Sloan was ringing up a customer when her manager, Danny, came behind the counter. "I'll take over. You've got a phone call in the back."

Sloan squeezed her eyes shut. "Is it about my mom?"

Danny bit his lip. "It's Officer Dawson, so maybe." He touched her shoulder. "If you need to go, just go. It's slow tonight."

It wasn't slow. Customers were everywhere. Danny was just being nice. Nicer than Sloan deserved. Noah claimed Danny had the hots for her, but Sloan never got that vibe from him. He was just a nice guy. As glad as she was for the flexibility, she hated being unreliable. Hated that he pitied her.

Sloan jogged to the employee area in the back of the store and picked up the phone.

"Walt? What's wrong?"

"Caroline's in Tyler."

"Tyler!" Sloan tugged at her hair. "Why?"

"At Anna's house. She tried to kick in their door. When Anna called the police, your mom climbed up on their roof. She's refusing to come down."

Vomit burned the back of Sloan's throat. This was her fault. She shouldn't have mentioned the day Anna showed up at their house. It must've got her mom thinking about her again. Obsessing again. "What should I do?"

"Nothing. I'm heading that way now. I just wanted you to have a heads up before it's on the news."

"The news? They already got wind of this?" Sloan asked.

"Noah's on his way to get you and take you home."

Sloan hung up the phone with shaky hands. She realized she should go with Walt. But she couldn't bear the embarrassment of seeing her father's family out in the street watching along with the rest of the neighbors and the journalists. Word would reach her dad by morning, and he'd shake his head and think, Poor Caroline. What's become of her? As though it wasn't all his fault.

Sloan felt dizzy. She closed her eyes but only saw the flashbulbs of cameras just like the ones she'd seen when her dad was arrested. The news would have a field day with this. Every detail was going to be dug up again. No hole was deep enough to keep her past buried.

She searched for a trash can, but it was too late. She threw up all over the break room table just as Danny entered. "Sloan, Noah is—" he stopped when he saw the mess.

"Sloan?" Noah came in right behind Danny and put his arm around her. "Are you alright?"

Sloan wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as Danny filled up a cone-shaped paper cup with water. Noah spotted a few paper towels and reached for them.

"I got it," Danny said, handing Sloan the water. "I'll clean it up; you just get her home." He picked up the small trash can and handed it to Noah. "In case she gets sick again on the drive."

Caroline was taken off the Hadfield's roof and into the mental health unit of Mallowater General Hospital. Because she had a gun in her car and threatened to jump off the roof, a judge ordered her to be admitted for a month of observational institutionalization. For the first time in years, Sloan could breathe easily. Someone else made sure her mother ate, made sure she didn't sneak away. And though Sloan had been on the receiving end of a few hate-filled rants when she called or visited, it was mostly the medical staff having to listen.

Still, Sloan wasn't able to completely enjoy her newfound freedom. Not with the future so uncertain for her and her mom.

That's why she was sitting in the office of district attorney Miles Johnson. Sloan had no idea involuntary commitment would involve all this. It felt wrong—like her mom was a criminal facing trial—but what other options did she have?

Walt and Noah sat on either side of her as the attorney read through reports the hospital's attending psychiatrist had faxed over. Sloan's body tensed as Miles looked up from the fax.

"This is good news." He removed his glasses and set them on the mahogany desk. "Forgive me; that's not the best choice of words. This is good news for making your case."

"What do they say?" Sloan asked.

"Ms. Radel's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress, and borderline personality disorder. This diagnosis and the police records solidify my confidence that we need to apply for an extended commitment."

"What do you need from us?" Walt asked. "This has been a long time coming. We should have done something sooner."

"It usually takes something big, like this incident, to make a case strong enough, so this is the exact right time to do it," Miles said. "I'll call several witnesses, including you, Mr. Dawson." He turned to Sloan. "And you too, Ms. Hadfield, if you agree."

Sloan swallowed. "What would I say?"

"The truth." Miles put on his glasses again and stared at the papers. "The doctor's notes mention several past incidents that you included in her intake history. Incidents of physical abuse, neglect, self-harm, and so on. Have you kept a diary or notes regarding these events?"

Sloan shook her head.

"Go home and write anything you can remember; dates can be approximate. Bring it by here, and we'll talk." He pushed the papers aside. "And another thing—you graduated last year. Will you be leaving for college?"

Sloan kept her eyes straight ahead, but out of her peripheral, she saw Noah's head turn toward her. "I'm not sure."

Noah released her hand. "You said you decided on MCC."

"Well, I had." Sloan's voice cracked. "That was when I didn't have an option because I needed to take care of Mom."

Miles nodded. "It's none of my business, but it might help the state's case if you were going away to college. It would mean your mom has no caretaker. Couple that with the fact that she can't find gainful employment, and we've got even stronger arguments for a long-term commitment."

"How long-term are we talking?" Sloan asked.

"The order expires after a year. At that time, we'd have to reapply, or you may choose to look at other options, depending on your mom's progress."

"Would Medicaid pay for this?" she asked.

Walt put his hand on Sloan's back. "That's something we'll worry about later. Right now, let's focus on getting Caroline the help she needs. Whatever it takes."

Sloan nodded. "Whatever it takes," she repeated, then looked at Noah.

He was bent over, staring at the carpet. "Guess you got your wish," he said, his voice low and cold. "An excuse to go to LeTourneau. "

Things weren't the same between Sloan and Noah after that. He called less, came over less. Sloan wondered if he realized his coldness wasn't making a good case for her to stay. But with the trial and college preparations , she had little time to concern herself with Noah's fragile feelings.

She told him it helped their case to finish the admissions process for LeTourneau, and that she still had everything in line for MCC if she changed her mind, but she somehow knew she wouldn't change her mind.

The court date was set quickly. After hearing the testimony, the judge ruled in favor of committing Caroline to a treatment facility for one year.

Caroline laughed when the verdict was read, further solidifying to the judge that he'd made the right decision. But the laughing ceased there. Anytime Sloan tried to visit her mother in the hospital, she'd only screamed.

After the third failed visit, Sloan sat in her bedroom, realizing it would be a long time before she'd ever speak to her mother again. Realizing that she and Noah wouldn't last no matter where she went to college. His recent immaturity and selfishness were proof of that.

Sloan was ready to leave them both behind. To leave behind this town that judged her for the sins of her parents. Everything suddenly seemed urgent. Waiting would only give her time to change her mind.

She jumped up from her bed and pulled her duffle bag from the closet. Then she grabbed the legal pad off her nightstand. The one with her notes on how to answer questions on the stand. She ripped off the top three sheets and threw them into her wastebasket, then tried to write a letter to Noah.

When the trash can was full, she gave up and wrote a letter that felt much less complicated.

Walt,

I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to say this in person, but I'm leaving tonight for Longview. It's still a few weeks before classes start, but they said I can move into the dorms early. The offer of free college was too much to pass up, and every minute I stay in Mallowater is a minute I might stay trapped forever. I hope you can understand, and if not, I hope you can forgive me.

What should I do about the house? Quit paying and lose it? Try to sell it? If you aren't too angry with me, I'd really appreciate your advice. I'll call when I'm sorted. I know you would have helped, but I need to do this alone.

I love you, Walt. Thanks for the car, for the money, and mostly for the chance to see what a normal family is like.

Love,

Sloan

PS: Look in on Mom, please.

PSS: Tell Noah I'm sorry.