Chapter 12

Mallowater, TX, 1989

"Can Sloan stay for dinner?"

Sloan held her breath, waiting for Walt and Doreen's response. She caught the look they exchanged and knew the answer before they said a word.

"Let's give Sloan time with her mother," Walt told Noah. "We've kept her away all week."

Noah stared at the floor. He wasn't one to fight with his parents; plus, they were right. Sloan had been here all summer and had probably worn out her welcome.

She grabbed her backpack. "I'll see you later, Noah."

"Wait." Walt held up his hand. "It's not that we don't want you here. It's just that your mother . . . well, she needs you right now."

Sloan struggled with the backpack. "Mom doesn't even talk to me."

"Caroline is grieving," Doreen explained.

"She hasn't even cried."

Doreen took Sloan's hand. "Grief comes in stages. And denial is the first one."

Sloan freed her hand to swat away a tear. Maybe she cried enough for her and her mother both. "And what's the next stage?"

"Anger, I think. But not everyone goes through them in the same order."

Anger. Sloan understood a little about that. But even though her father deserved her resentment, much of her anger was focused on her mom. Her mom who believed Daddy had killed Ridge. Her mom who expected Sloan to believe it too.

"Do y'all have groceries?" Walt asked, already reaching for his wallet.

"Yeah, we're good," Sloan said. Caroline hadn't been to the store in a while, but food was still in the pantry. And though her mom claimed to be looking for jobs, Sloan hadn't seen her fill out a single application in the almost three months since the verdict. Not that anyone in town would hire her anyway. No one would even look at them.

"Noah, walk Sloan home," Doreen said.

"No, it's okay," Sloan said. "You guys are about to eat."

"I have time," Noah said too eagerly.

Sloan said a half-hearted goodbye to Doreen and Walt before letting Noah lead her out the door.

"Sorry you can't stay," Noah said.

Sloan kicked the gravel. "Your parents are right. I can't avoid Mom forever."

"You can avoid her all Saturday afternoon, though," Noah said.

"Saturday?"

Noah's face fell. "My birthday. You're still coming, right?"

His birthday. Sloan had forgotten. She thought back to Noah's birthday party last year. How she'd promised Ridge she'd go with him but backed out at the last minute when her friends invited her to watch Cocktail . When Daddy discovered her plans, he'd made Sloan cancel with her friends and keep her word to Ridge. She'd sulked the entire party, angry she was at a Transformers birthday and not watching Tom Cruise. She wished she'd known her time with Ridge was about to run out and that those so-called friends wouldn't even speak to her one year later.

Noah cleared his throat.

"Yeah, I'll try," Sloan said. She loved being around Noah, but it was the idea of the other party guests that gave her pause. The only advantage of being locked up with her mom all summer was avoiding her classmates. "What do you want for your birthday?"

"I want you to come," Noah said softly.

"Fine." Sloan nudged him off the path. "I'll be there."

Sloan woke up Saturday in a restless mood. Despite barely sleeping, she wanted to be out of this bed, out of this house, out of her own skin.

She stared at a closed dresser drawer. The second copy of Keith Whitley's new tape was inside. Daddy's copy. Sloan had been first in line Tuesday and had been listening nonstop. The album was incredible, but knowing this was the last music Keith would ever make made every note he sang bittersweet.

Sloan was scheduled to visit her dad next Friday, but that seemed too long with that tape inside the dresser, so she decided to call Anna. She sometimes wondered if she was bothering her father's friend, but Anna had promised to take Sloan anytime she wanted, and she wanted to go today. She'd have to come up with something to tell Mom, though. Noah's party didn't start till 3:00, and just last night, she'd told Sloan she was spending too much time with the Dawsons, echoing Walt's words.

Sloan found her mom reading in the living room. "Can I go to the mall?"

"What do you need at the mall?" Caroline's eyes didn't leave the book.

"Noah's party is today. I wanted to buy him a shirt from Gadzooks."

"Fine," Mom said. "But I'm expecting a call from Libby, so it will have to wait."

Sloan was about to suggest riding her bike, but the mall was too far. She should have said Hastings instead.

"Remember Jenny? My friend from school? She wanted to hang out this summer, so I planned to invite her. Her mom can probably drive us."

Caroline sighed. "Fine, whatever. But make the call quick. I'm expecting—"

"A call from Libby. Got it." Sloan pulled the number from her pocket and dialed. She wished there was a phone in her bedroom. Privacy would make this easier.

"Hello." Sloan recognized Anna's voice.

"Hey, Jenny."

"You must have the wrong number."

"Yeah, this is Sloan. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the mall today?"

Sloan looked at her mother. Her eyes were still on the book, but the fact that she hadn't turned a single page hadn't escaped Sloan.

"The mall? Sloan, are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, great. Can your mom drive us? My mom's right here, but she's expecting a phone call."

"Oh. Did you want to visit your dad?" Anna whispered as if Caroline could hear her on the other end of the line.

"Yes, please. I can meet you at the end of the street," Sloan said.

"That should work. Can you be ready in half an hour?"

"Yes, half an hour is perfect. Thanks!" Sloan hung up the phone with too much force. "Jenny's mom will take us. Said she'd give us money for lunch and the arcade and can drop us back off at Noah's." Sloan spoke too quickly and wondered if she'd said too much, made the fake plan too detailed. More details than could have been ironed out in a one-minute conversation.

Caroline lowered the book. "Have I met Jenny's mother?"

"Yes." Sloan's voice rose. "The first time I went to her house."

Caroline nodded. "Okay, yeah. What was her name?"

Sloan swallowed. "I'm not sure. I call her Mrs. Robertson."

Sloan jumped at the sound of the phone's shrill ring. She grabbed it in case Anna was calling back. "Hello. Oh, hi, Libby. Mom's right here." Sloan extended the phone. "It's Libby. So, I'll see you tonight after Noah's party?"

"Alright," Caroline said." Have a nice time."

Sloan exhaled as her mother took the phone. If Mom suspected anything, she wouldn't pass up a call with Libby to discuss it. Those unending phone calls with her best friend seemed to be Mom's only hobby nowadays. Sloan didn't blame her for not wanting to watch the crows at the creek anymore, not after everything that had happened. The creek was no longer the scene of Sloan's childhood summers or her mother's research; it was a crime scene.

"Sloan!" Her father lifted her off the ground in a hug.

"I was supposed to come Friday, but I couldn't wait."

"I'm so glad you didn't." He sat her down. "You can come any visiting day. Sometimes there's a wait, so it's always best to come early."

"Yeah." Sloan looked up at the clock. "The line was long, and there was a mix-up with paperwork. Anna got mad."

"I bet. I'll make sure everything is cleared up for next time. Are you hungry? There are some vending machines."

"I'm okay." Sloan pulled the Keith Whitley cassette out of her pocket and handed it across the table. "It also took longer because they had to check this."

He took the tape and grinned. "Those guards probably just wanted to listen to it before me."

"It's really great," Sloan said.

"This isn't your copy, is it?"

"No. I bought two. Almost bought the CD too. I don't have a CD player yet, but Noah does. Do you have a stereo here?"

"Yep, and I'm going to play this till it wears out." Daddy pulled out the tape's insert and spread it out on the table. "Man, I can't believe he's really gone."

Sloan leaned over the table and pointed at the lyrics. " I'm Over You was the first single released. I think it's my favorite too."

"Can't wait to hear this. Every time I listen to these songs, I'm going to think of you, Lo." Daddy folded the insert back up. "Say, do you remember how much you loved the moon when you were little?"

"The moon?" Sloan shook her head.

"You were an itty-bitty thing. Wanted to see the moon every night. One night, we walked down to the river for a better view. You were so sad because I had to leave the next day for work, so I told you that no matter where I was, we could look up at the same moon."

Sloan didn't remember that night, but something struck her now. Her father probably wasn't going to work the next day. He was going back to his family.

"So," he continued, "this is sort of the same. I can play this tape and know you're in your room playing it too. It's even called I Wonder Do You Think of Me. And we'll always think of each other when we hear it. Music has always been a part of us, a part of our bond. We can feel songs in our souls."

Sloan crossed her arms. "Do you think of Ridge too? Do you miss him?"

He flinched backward. "Of course I do."

"You never talk about him."

"It's just hard." Daddy scrubbed a hand over his face. "But we can talk about Ridge. We can talk about any—"

"It's fine, Sloan said. She didn't really want to talk about Ridge either, didn't want to be sad, but sometimes, she felt like everyone was forgetting him. "Anyway, you can tell me your favorite song on the album when I come Friday."

"Of course." He forced a smile, but Sloan saw sadness in his eyes. "How's your mother, Sloan?"

Sloan cringed. She hated when he asked about Mom. It was a topic that always ruined a pleasant visit.

Sloan shrugged. "She mostly reads and talks to Libby. She's looking for a job, I guess."

"I wish she'd talk to me. It's killing me. I've written a few letters. Has she gotten them?"

Sloan shrugged. "She's never said anything. Have you written me any?"

"No, I didn't want you to get in trouble. Since you're still calling Anna, I assume your mother doesn't realize you're visiting?"

Sloan slid down the chair. "I'm scared to tell her. She got mad when I first asked to visit."

"She'll come around. Give her a little time. And if you two ever need anything, call Walt. Promise?"

Sloan noticed the guard walking back toward their table. Seeing him approach gave Sloan the same feeling as when Just the Ten of Us ended on Fridays. That meant the night was over. Daddy had an erratic schedule, but he always tried to be home Friday evenings for pizza and two hours of television shows they loved. Television shows that would be off the air when Daddy was out of this place. The realization brought tears to Sloan's eyes.

"Hey, don't cry." He stood and hugged her. "I'll see you Friday. We'll talk about the new album."

Friday. They'd still be together Friday night. It wasn't exactly the ABC lineup and Pizza Hut, but it was better than nothing.

Sloan cried the entire way home. Anna stayed quiet but kept the tissues coming. She glanced in the rearview mirror every few miles.

Sloan was so upset, she didn't notice Anna pull onto her street. "Stop!" Sloan screamed.

"What is it? "Anna asked, slamming on the brakes.

"Mom's home. You can't pull up."

"Oh gosh." Anna brought her hand to her forehead. "Sorry." She reversed and pulled to the side of the street opposite Sloan's home. She reached behind and took Sloan's hand. "I'm so sorry. For all this."

"Thank you." Sloan let go and wiped her eyes. "Thanks for helping my dad. You've been a real friend to him."

Anna raised her eyebrows. "Has your father not explained who I am?"

Before Sloan could process the question, she spotted movement from the corner of her eye. Mom was standing in the front yard. "Shoot, I gotta go," Sloan said, climbing out of the car.

Sloan walked toward her mom but noticed Caroline's gaze travel past her to Anna. Sloan hoped Mom didn't remember what Mrs. Robertson looked like or wonder where Jenny was.

"Hi, Mom!" Sloan made her tone bright as she approached. She turned back toward Anna's car and waved. "Bye, Mrs. Robertson. Thanks for the ride." Anna didn't even look confused. She stared back at Sloan's mother, matching the intensity of Caroline's glare.

"That's Jenny's mom." Sloan stepped into the house, relieved her mom followed.

Mom cocked her head. "No, it's not." Sloan's legs wobbled. She'd been caught. Mom gestured to the couch. "Sit down. Let's chat."

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't think you'd understand."

Caroline held up a hand. "I'm not mad you wanted to see your father. You're only a child. There's so much you don't understand."

Sloan wanted to argue, but Mom was calm, and Sloan wanted her to stay that way. "Do you really believe Daddy killed Ridge?"

"Yes," her mom said without hesitation. "You witnessed the violence."

Sloan tensed her shoulders. "Only when he was dreaming."

"Well, maybe that's what happened at the creek."

"Then it was an accident."

Mom gave a curt nod. "Yes, but people have to pay for accidents, for mistakes."

"But twenty years for one mistake?"

"Oh, Sloan. It wasn't just one mistake. Can't you understand that? Jay made a mistake every single day he refused to get help, every day he lied to us."

Sloan stared down at the thick carpet. She couldn't argue with that.

"Are you even a little mad? About all the lies?"

"Yes," Sloan admitted. She looked up and saw tears streaming down her mom's face. Doreen was right. There were stages in grief, and this meant Mom was out of denial. "I'm sorry I lied."

"Sometimes it feels like no one cares about me. I lost my son, the only man I've ever loved, and now, I'm losing you."

"But you're not," Sloan said.

Mom grabbed a tissue from the table to wipe her face. "That's how it feels when I see you with your father's other family."

Sloan narrowed her eyes. "What?"

"Well, Anna, of course. Every time Jay left, he was going to be with her. And now you are leaving with her too and keeping it a secret. Just like he did."

"Wait. Anna is Daddy's wife?" Sloan's mind raced, searching for answers. How had she been so stupid?

Mom's hand flew to her chest. "They didn't tell you?"

"No. He mentioned his wife, but I didn't realize it was Anna." Sloan felt dizzy. "He said Anna was his friend. I thought she was his secretary, the one he talked about sometimes who scheduled his meetings."

Caroline smirked. "No, sweetie. Angela was his secretary. Anna is his wife."

"But she's so nice," Sloan said. "She doesn't even seem mad."

"Some women are weak." Disapproval gleamed in Mom's eyes. "Some women can't live without a man."

Sloan remembered the little redhead in the back seat at school that day. Was that her sister?

"I get what he's doing." Mom stood and walked toward the window. "He wants you to be a part of his family with Anna. And if that's what you want, I can't blame you."

"Mom . . ."

Caroline closed the curtains and turned towards Sloan. "But you've got my blood running through you. You're a Hadfield, yes, but you're just as much a Radel."

Mom was crying again. Sloan had wanted to see her cry for so long, and now, she only wanted to stop it. She wrapped her arms around her mother. "You're my family, Mom. I won't go back with Anna."

Mom kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry I haven't been here for you, but from now on, I will. I promise it's me and you, Lo. Me and you."

"I promise too." Sloan felt terrible for how awful she'd been to her mom. How she'd blamed her and let Daddy off the hook. He'd tried to turn her against her own mother, tried to make her bond with Anna. Sloan should have known not to trust him.

"It's going to be hard, Sloan, but we can let him go together. Ridge would want us to be strong."

Sloan nodded. "I don't want to be weak."

"No matter what you decide, I want you to promise me no more secrets. If you decide to stand with your dad and Anna, be honest. No sneaking around."

"I'm with you," Sloan said. "I'll always be with you."

"Noah . . . Noah!" Sloan hissed from outside his window. She hadn't been in bed long when she jolted up, realizing what she'd forgotten in the day's chaos—Noah's party.

"Sloan?" Noah walked toward the window, rubbing his eyes.

She motioned for him to open the latch, and he did. "Noah, I'm sorry. Can we talk?"

"No," he whispered. He started to close the window, but Sloan put her hand under it, forcing him to stop. "Go home. It's late."

"You're mad. I get it. You have every right to be. But I can't handle it, Noah. I don't care who else in the world is mad at me as long as you aren't."

"We'll talk tomorrow." He glanced behind him at his open bedroom door. "My mom will kill me if I let you in this late."

"Then come outside. I had an awful day."

"That makes two of us."

Sloan averted her gaze. "Just let me explain."

"Fine." Sloan watched him close his door and slip on his shoes before climbing out the window.

They walked for a while in silence. Moonlight splashed them in silver as they followed a well-worn path toward Crow's Nest Creek.

"We waited an hour to start the party." Noah broke the silence. "I tried calling, but the line was busy."

"Mom was talking to Libby. I wasn't home."

Noah turned his head toward her. "You promised."

"I'm sorry. There's no excuse, but I visited my dad. There was an issue with the paperwork. I got home late, and Mom caught Anna dropping me off."

"Anna?"

"Anna, who takes me to see Dad. Anna, who I thought was his secretary or friend, but turns out, she's much more than a friend." Sloan kicked a rock.

"You mean . . . ?"

"Yep, she's his wife."

Noah shook his head. "Wow. You did have an awful day."

"Pretty much. And I don't plan to visit again for a while. Mom says it's up to me. I think I've gotta let him go. I want to be a strong woman."

Sloan expected Noah might try to change her mind. She sorta wanted him to—wanted him to tell her it was possible to stand by her mom and still love her dad, but he didn't. Instead, he paused on the path. "We should go back."

Sloan stopped too. The smattering of trees from the creek was visible now. She hadn't been this close to the creek since the search parties ended. She shouldn't want to go back, ever, but something in those trees called to her. "I'm going to walk to the river."

Noah blew out a breath. "You said you didn't want to go back there."

"I've got to move on. Let it go. I don't want to be weak."

"Come on, Sloan. You're the toughest girl I know. You've got nothing to prove. Not to me."

Sloan kept walking. "I need to prove it to myself. Ridge loved the creek. He wouldn't want me to spend my life avoiding it." She turned back to Noah, still frozen on the path. "Thanks for talking. I'll call you tomorrow."

Noah hesitated, but only for a second before jogging toward Sloan and taking her hand.