4. Too Much to Handle

four

Too Much to Handle

Alessia

A s I walk through my land, the sights of blooming flowers and melodies of birds clear my mind. Nature and sunshine have a comforting effect on my soul. The air is refreshing, a welcome change from the stifling atmosphere of the court. My budding panic attack has been quelled—at least for now.

I suppose I was overzealous in my desire to tackle the court. It’s been empty for so long. What did I expect? Perhaps a magically restored environment, bustling with life. But reality has a way of humbling my expectations. Even magic extends only so far.

And now, thanks to my shadow-self, I have no choice but to face the daunting task ahead. The weight of the responsibility is an anchor pulling me under, but it’s a challenge I must confront.

With my wits about me, I can think clearly again. And I’m not selfish enough to let my loneliness put my friends at risk. My love for them outweighs my need for companionship.

I admire the gnarled and twisted trees standing tall and noble, exuding a sense of ancient wisdom. Their roots flow underfoot like thick veins, bulging from the earth.

One of the distinguishing features of my land is the presence of those black roses, their velvety petals offering a sense of elegance and mystery. The dark flowers can be spotted in various locations, but they form an obvious barrier at the merging point with the Cursed Wood. Beyond, where the roses no longer appear, the trees are denser, but their trunks are slimmer.

I have no intention of leaving my court’s land—I’d rather not venture into the Cursed Wood and lose myself to Rainer’s fearcaller magic. Having visual boundaries offers me a sense of safety.

I sit outside, resting against a boulder and listening to the sweet birdsong. It’s decidedly less lonely up here with the woodland creatures chittering about.

The tranquility is abruptly interrupted by branches snapping and leaves rustling in the distance. Adrenaline surges through me as I jump to my feet. My eyes dart in all directions, trying to pinpoint the origin of the commotion.

“Little demon!” Ken comes crashing in from the north. A goofy grin lights up his face as he tramples over a section of my midnight roses, oblivious to the destruction. He carries an oversized wicker basket with a lid. “What a pleasant surprise!”

Waves of relief wash over me, but then my hackles quickly raise. I’m a danger—why can’t he see that?

“What are you doing here?” I squint past him, secretly searching for Rainer. I’m mixed with relief and disappointment when I don’t see him. At least he’s smart enough to keep his distance. It’s safer that way, especially with my shadow considering him a threat.

The bear shifter comes closer, his old, worn boots crunching over leaves and twigs as he navigates around flowers. He’s in his typical brown leather garb, equipped with daggers. His brown hair is tied into a bun at his nape, and his untamed beard covers the lower half of his face .

“What am I doing here?” Ken repeats, frowning at me. “Friends aren’t allowed to visit?”

Studying him, I try to understand why he’d show up like this. “I’ve only been gone a few hours.”

“Well, I was in the area and figured I’d stop by and say hi.”

“I told Rainer—and Ez—that I wanted to be alone,” I say, scanning the forest again. Even though I didn’t see Rainer, I swear I can sense him out there. There’s a tug at my heart. “You shouldn’t be here.”

He rocks on his heels, and a sheepish look crosses his face. “If ya think a threat will get rid of me, you’re full of shite.”

“It’s not a threat—I am asking you to respect my wishes and leave me alone.”

His merriment melts into a frown. “You know we’ll help you with whatever you’re going through, right? You don’t have to push us away.”

A twig snaps in the treeline, and I jerk my head up in search of the sound. Although I know the answer, I ask, “Who’s us, Ken? Who’s with you?”

Darkness creeps into my vision, causing me to panic slightly. An unsettling pressure builds beneath my skin—a silent warning from my shadow.

Ken scratches the back of his neck, glancing toward the sky. “Eh, we just wanted to make sure you’re okay. The wind prick told us about—”

“Why can’t anyone listen and just leave me alone?” I whisper, my voice cracking instead of harnessing the bravado I’d hoped it would. They need to go before it’s too late—before my shadow attacks them like it did Ez .

“Because I’ve seen what happens when fae shut down and push others out,” Ken says softly. “You never saw Rainer at his worst, but I have. I’ve also seen him come back to life after meeting you.”

“So this is about him?” I cross my arms. It’s an unfair accusation, but I need to cut this meeting short.

“Yes. It is. And about you. And me.” He waves his arms around him—and the contents of his basket tinkle like glass jars knocking. “About all of us. We’re all in this together, little demon, like it or not.”

A lump forms in my throat, and I can feel my resolve weakening. “It’s not forever,” I say through the thickness. “I just need some time to figure out my life.”

Ken nods, but his gaze catches on my arms. Leaning forward, he squints and lowers his voice. “What’re those?”

I shift, trying and failing to hide the many dried cuts. “Nothing.”

He glances over his shoulder. I follow his gaze, not seeing anyone.

“Rainer’s in the woods, isn’t he?”

“Yep.” Ken rocks on his heels, clapping his hands awkwardly. “If he smells that, he’s gonna lose his shite.”

Despite the situation’s absurdity, Rainer’s silent support and watchful eye bring me a glimmer of hope amidst the uncertainty. He’ll wait for me—I know he will. I need to ensure he won’t get hurt trying to be there for me.

The irony of it isn’t lost on me. He once pushed me away to keep me safe, but the difference is that he had a grasp on his power all along. I don’t.

But him waiting for me is all the motivation I need to return to my court and figure my shadow magic out.

“I’m fine. I’m safe,” I say, ushering Ken away. “And I’m returning to my court now, so you two can leave.” Please .

“Let me walk you home at least, m’lady?” He strides toward me, holding out an arm. “Help me pacify the pissed-off prince hiding in the shrubbery?”

I chuckle, then go still, waiting to see how my shadow responds. Its presence simmers just below my flesh—as if waiting to strike. But the pressure doesn’t grow, and it doesn’t speak, so I take a risk and accept Ken’s arm. At least it’s the one male Rainer wouldn’t murder for touching me, either.

“Where the hell is your feckin court anyway?” Ken asks, squinting. His head whips left and right as he scans the trees.

“Over there.” I point toward the largest tree, sitting a few paces ahead in a small clearing. Its trunk is easily the widest, with the most filled-out canopy. Its ragged roots reach like gnarled fingers, twisting into a labyrinth network below the ground.

Ken trips over a root and stumbles. I squeal as he jerks me with him.

“Oops!” He quickly rights us, then releases me. He adjusts the basket in his free hand, peeking inside to inspect the contents. “Phew.”

“What’s in there?” I ask, trying to peer into it.

He shuts the lid and grins, stroking his beard. “Where’s the entrance? I don’t see a thing.”

I let out a heavy breath. “The door is right there.”

“Where?” Ken spins, searching. “Is it invisible?”

“In the tree .” I shake my finger at the door, and Ken follows my line of sight .

“Ah wouldya look at that!” He reaches out and pats the door with a strong palm. “It’s a little princess-sized door, but I can duck.”

Leave it to Ken to be unfazed by my status as a Lírshadow, spiritcaller, and descendant of Spiritus Court.

A princess , I suppose.

That notion seems farfetched and ill-fitting. It’s only been a few days since I made the sacrifice—taking the lord and lady’s lives—to accept my power and restore Spiritus Court’s land to its former glory.

I reach up, letting my fingers hover over the Tradeling tattoo that marks the left side of my face. It feels like just yesterday I was in the lord’s estate, being whipped by him for disobeying his orders. But at the same time, it feels like that was a different woman—from a different life entirely.

“I got it!” Ken snaps his fingers and begins gesturing wildly beside the tree. “A naked statue. Right here!”

“What?” I recoil from him, scrunching my nose. “Not happening. I do not need a naked statue of myself.”

“We can do one of Rainer ,” Ken says, waggling his brows. “He would hate it. The others? They’d love it.”

“I think I’ve had enough naked statues for a lifetime.” The amusement gives way to sorrow as the memory of Eoin’s statue flashes through my mind.

A lingering sense of guilt remains within me, reminding me that I want to help others—not cause harm. It’s for this very reason that I need to do this.

Pushing the thought aside, I hesitantly reach for the tree’s doorknob. It twists smoothly, and the door opens easily, revealing a hollow trunk with steps that descend downward into darkness .

“I’m going now,” I tell Ken. “ Alone .”

He peers at the tree, then studies me. “Are you sure?”

I hesitate, and then I nod.

“I don’t love this,” Ken mutters, glancing toward the treeline again. “He doesn’t either.”

My heart pangs at the thought of Rainer feeling rejected, hiding away in the woods so he doesn’t disrespect my boundaries. The thought almost makes me smile. Fae and their damn loopholes.

“Tynan’s just over that hill.” Ken jerks his head to the west. “Lives in that stinky little shack. Get him if you need anything. He can travel to Umbra to get us, but you stay out of the woods, you hear?”

His face turns solemn, and I offer a small smile in response.

“I’ll be okay,” I say.

And I genuinely believe it. As much as a menace my shadow-self is, I can feel the protection radiating from it—deep within my bones. It might hurt me, but it won’t let anyone else.

“Wait.” He hesitates, glancing at his basket before thrusting it at me. “This is for you.”

Furrowing my brow, I accept the basket. I pry back the wicker lid. Tucked away inside are various meats, cheeses, breads, and fruits. My eyes water at the thoughtful gesture, and I inhale a sharp breath to keep them at bay.

“Wow, this is…” My voice grows heavy with emotion. Instead of thanking him, I give him a genuine smile.

“It’s from Rainer,” Ken says softly. “He wanted to make sure you had something to eat.”

“I didn’t even think about that.”

“You don’t gotta when you have him on your side.” He winks .

Overcome by the tender moment, I clear my throat and shut the lid. “Tell him I said he’s not such a bastard, after all.”

Ken snorts, letting a hearty laugh out. Gripping the basket tightly in both hands, I glance down the spiral staircase, ready to uncover the rest of the secrets that await me.

“I guess this is goodbye for now, Ken,” I say, stepping inside the tree. I hesitate, then turn back. “Oh, and also tell Rainer he’s not very subtle. If he’s going to stalk me, he should at least get good at it.”

Ken barks another laugh. “Little demon princess, if you knew he was there, it’s because he wanted you to know.

“Well, tell him to stop altogether then.”

“Can’t.” Ken shrugs animatedly. “Like I said before—that arse is quite thoroughly obsessed with you.”

As I turn and head down the dark stairwell, a smile buds on my lips. I’m glad they showed up. It reinforced my desire to learn my magic, and it reminded me that even if I’m by myself, I won’t truly be alone. My friends will wait for me.

“You’re perfect for each other!” Ken calls after me. Though I can no longer see him, his voice echoes through the stairwell. “You are both stubborn, broody, irritating little feckers—always learning the hard way.”

Perhaps he’s right. Maybe I am making a mistake, but I find solace in knowing that my friends will remain unharmed. That Rainer will be safe. While I can bear the guilt of pushing them all away, the thought of hurting them is too much to handle.