26. All of Him

twenty-six

All of Him

Alessia

I stare at the tent’s opening long after Rainer leaves. Part of me isn’t surprised that he went cold and stormed off again, but the other part of me thought we were past it by now.

He’s not running from me—he’s running from his emotions. It’s not easy for him to open up, especially after stifling parts of himself for so long. Part of caring for someone is accepting their flaws. And as he accepts mine, I embrace his.

He was there for me, and now I’ll be there for him.

See? I told you that love makes you weak. You shouldn’t be distracted by this —

“I thought you liked him,” I say, exasperated by my shadow-self’s everchanging temperament.

I run a hand over my braid to smooth down the flyaways, then stand from the cot and begin folding up the blanket.

I like him when he serves our needs.

“You’re just as wishy-washy as Rainer is,” I mutter, shaking my head.

Behind me, the entrance to the tent rustles open. I turn.

“You think I’m wishy-washy?” Rainer says as he ducks, entering through the tent’s flap, holding my clothes from yesterday. There’s a half-smirk on his face, and his dark, wavy hair falls across his forehead in the most alluring way. He’s ridiculously gorgeous, even when he’s incurably frustrating, and it steals my breath.

“Yes,” I say, not cowering under his intense stare. Then, I clear my throat and force a stern look onto my face. “You can be incredibly emotional and open, but other times you’re so cold you freeze me out.”

His smirk fades into an embarrassed frown as he hands me my garments. “I’m not emotional.”

“Okay.” I shrug, but this time, a grin creeps onto my lips.

“I’m not.” He scowls, and it causes me to chuckle.

“But you do admit you’re freezing me out?”

He glances away, runs a hand through his hair, and sighs. “I’m trying not. It’s why I came back.”

I toss my clothes onto the floor and drop to the cot, patting the space beside me. He sits, legs stretched straight out, and his body angled forward as if facing me is too hard for him.

“I know I pretend I’m not, but I am afraid, Alessia,” he says quietly. “I’ve been afraid of hurting you from the moment I met you. I’ve finally gained confidence that I won’t hurt you with my bloodlust, but now…”

“But now what?” I drop the blanket I’m holding and turn my body toward him, pulling my legs up to my chest.

“Now, I’m afraid if we complete our bond, I’ll do something stupid to get you killed.”

I can’t help but laugh softly. “If anyone would do something of that nature, it’d be me. In which case, you should fear being stuck with me —not the other way around.”

I realize he’s genuinely struggling with this when he doesn’t show signs of amusement .

Reaching out, I interlace my fingers with his. “I’m glad you came back to me,” I whisper.

Finally, he shifts to face me. “Admittedly, I regret reverting to my arsehole tendencies. I don’t actively want to push you away and avoid my feelings, but Ezamae’s words don’t change anything.”

My nose scrunches. “That’s not only up to you.”

“We’re not consummating the bond.” His eyes harden, and I swear I see a flicker of darkness there.

“Think about what you’re saying, Rainer.” I’ve only just admitted to him that I want more than friends. I’m ready to take the risk and be with him—give myself to him. But now… now he’s saying we can never fully have each other.

“I’m saying that I refuse to put that pressure on you. I won’t let you make that decision just to free me from Yvanthia’s bond.”

“So you’ll force me into another decision that assuages your fears?” I challenge. “You don’t think I’d want to complete the bond if I chose to? You think so little of me?”

“No.” He shakes his head and glances down, his dark hair falling into his eyes. “I think so highly of you.”

“Give me a feckin break, Rainer.”

Before he can reply, I allow the gust of courage to pull me to my feet. Shoving him backward, I straddle him, letting my nightgown ride up around my thighs.

I raise my brows. “Just like our dream.”

“Alessia,” he warns. His eyes darken, shifting from the pale blue to a darker shade, settling at cobalt. “Now is not the time to tease me.”

“Who said anything about teasing? ”

I lean forward, pressing my lips to his. He groans, wrapping his hand around the back of my head and holding me in place as he devours my mouth. His length hardens to steel in record time, and I grind against him.

Something about him undoes me.

No—

Everything about him undoes me.

“Rainer,” I whisper as I break free from his lips. “I need you to know that everything I feel for you is real.” I bring his hand to my chest, planting it against my heart. “The external distractions have no bearing on what I harbor here for you.”

Nor does it tamper down my craving for him. My center aches with the desire to feel him bare against me. Reaching for his pants, I work the button. I expect him to stop me, to slow us down, but he tilts his head back to the cot and watches me with a predatory hunger.

A soft rustling noise permeates the air, followed by a loud “Well, shite!”

I squeak as Rainer shoots forward, tugging my dress down.

“Don’t stop riding the steel eggplant on my account,” Ken says, smiling from ear to ear.

The tent flap rustles again, and Tynan steps in behind him, carrying a couple of bowls.

He glances at me and his brother and narrows his eyes. “Yeah, feck this, I’m out.” He thrusts the bowls at Ken and turns, and leaves.

“Stew?” Ken asks, lifting them in an offering. He hovers awkwardly above us, his massive frame looming as we stay planted on the low cot .

The smile on his face grows despite me not thinking it could possibly get any bigger. He makes no move to leave.

My cheeks heat even though I’m fully covered. Technically, we were only kissing.

“Steel eggplant?” I repeat, confused.

“Yeah, the ol’ tallywacker. The petrified garden snake.” He snickers. “The single-legged horse. The good ol’ concrete carrot—”

“Kenisius!” Rainer yells, his hands tightening around me. “Out!”

The bear shifter laughs harder, unfazed by Rainer’s annoyance, as he sets the bowls on the ground before us and leaves.

My attention shifts back to Rainer, whose cheeks are red. At first, I think it’s anger he’s wearing, but when he closes his eyes and sighs, I realize it’s embarrassment.

“That was for the best,” he mutters. “I’m proving my incompetency by letting it get this far.”

Gently, he stands and tugs me to my feet. I freeze, waiting to see if he’s going to revert to his previous demeanor and leave again, but his face softens. He cups my cheek, leaning in to plant a chaste kiss on my forehead.

“I’m not pushing you away again,” he mutters against my skin. “I’m inclined to, but I’m trying very hard not to.”

He bends and snatches up my clothing, handing the garments to me. “Now, get dressed so we can eat and leave.”

Or get undressed so he can eat , my shadow-self says coyly.

The words are so shocking that I gasp and almost drop my pants.

That’s of use to us.

“Hush,” I mutter, appalled that this thing can see and hear us.

This thing is you, it says dryly .

“Stop talking,” I say through gritted teeth.

Rainer gives me a strange look, and I shake my head, brushing it off. As soon as I reach for the hem of my dress to change, his eyes fill with heat again. But instead of ravaging me, he puts his back to me in a respectful manner.

Disappointment courses through me, which is entirely unfair. He’s trying to make my life easier.

And we want to make his harder .

A snort of laughter escapes me. At least the damn voice is being harmless, albeit annoying.

I change quickly, pulling on pants and boots, and then we each grab a bowl of stew. He sits on Tynan’s cot across the tent while I sit on ours. We quickly slurp the meal down. My attention is firmly locked on Rainer the entire time, remembering how beautiful his naked skin glowed in the sun yesterday. My stomach tightens, and the overwhelming urge to pounce on him builds.

“We should get going,” Rainer says. “We slept well past dawn.”

Forget the journey. We have everything we need right here. The darkness vibrates through my veins, preventing me from forgetting its presence. It pools low, in the exact space I crave Rainer most, tempting me with a slight pressure.

I take a deep breath, trying to quell the lust. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now.”

He cocks a brow. “Why not?”

Let’s have some fun, first.

I wince, embarrassed by the desire consuming me. “My shadow is a bit… riled up. I’m afraid I might lose control when it's in this state.”

"What state is that? "

Warmth creeps up my neck. “There’s this unrelenting need —and I don’t know if it belongs to me or my shadow-self, but it won't quiet down.”

His eyes turn steely as he rakes them over me. He’s quiet as the seconds turn to minutes. Then, his lips tilt up in a mischievous smirk.

“What are you thinking?” I ask.

He chuckles softly, his eyes crinkling at the corner as he drops his hands to his thighs. “You sure you want the answer to that?”

“Always,” I say softly.

“It might shatter your illusion of me—my thoughts are rather depraved at the moment.”

I give him a small, reassuring smile. “I never had any delusions about you, Rainer.”

His eyes flit to my lips, then slowly drag up my face. “I want nothing more than to see you lose control.”

My spine tingles, taunted by his words.

"In this regard, I mean," he adds quickly. The timbre of his voice prickles my skin. “You never have to hide who you are with me; I hope you know that."

My darkness roils as if responding delightfully to his words. Listen to him. Embrace yourself.

“I thought you didn’t like him,” I mutter to the dark voice within me.

Rainer arches a brow. “Sounds like it likes me plenty.”

I sigh, plopping back down on the cot and waving a hand toward myself. “My shadow-self doesn't know what it likes. It tries to convince me to do… things.”

“Bad things?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

His face softens as he stares down at me. “To me?”

I nod. “Sometimes.” My nostrils flare as I turn my head away from him. “Or—it used to. Now it wants me to do the good kind of bad things to you. Which is much better, but still a pressure, and I don’t know which thoughts and feelings are actually mine and which are—”

“Look at me,” he commands softly.

I cease my rambling. My head lifts on its own accord as if my senses are tethered to him by an invisible string.

He quietly and gracefully drops to his knees and plants his hands on the ground. Like a quiet, graceful predator, he crawls to me.

My heart thumps erratically. When he reaches me, his hands wrap around the back of my calves, his touch scalding me through my pants. With a wicked smirk, he bows his head, resting his forehead on my knees.

“I am yours , Princess Alessia Lírshadow of Spiritus Court, spiritcaller, and captor of my heart.”

It’s sexy but also so corny that I can’t suppress the giggles. His head lifts at the sound, his icy gaze piercing me. His mouth is in a tight line, his face free of humor.

“I am yours ,” he repeats, unfazed by my response. “I belong to your light and your dark—to your sun and shadows—completed bond or not.”

Yes, yes, I like him , my shadow-self says, practically purring.

I bite down my smile as Rainer leans forward and kisses each of my knees.

“I thought I was yours ?” I smirk shyly. “Your little rose.”

“Don’t you know me better than that by now?” He stretches out, still resting on his knees before me. Reaching for me, he gently grips my neck and brings our foreheads together. His warm breath flits across my lips. “The roses never truly belonged to me. They own me, as do you. I exist to serve them—as I do you.”

My eyes close, and I breathe him in. He smells like sandalwood and roses, tinged by sweat and earth, but I like it. It’s wholly him . He murmurs something I can’t make out, his mouth brushing mine with the barest of touches. My stomach tumbles with the promise of his kiss.

Then he pulls away.

The emptiness is a harsh contrast to the fullness of his presence. My eyes flick open to catch him on his feet, facing away from me.

His dark waves fall around his decorated, pointed ears. He stretches his hand out, reaching for mine. “Whatever happens, we face it as a team. I will do anything for you.” His cheek muscle twitches. “Anything other than complete the bond.”

My smile falters. My eyes flick to the floor before meeting his. “Yes, of course.”

Disappointment swells in my chest.

Rainer shifts his weight, his hand still hovering in the air before me. I place my palm in his, allowing him to help me to my feet. We interlock our fingers as he pulls the tent’s flap aside, allowing me to exit.

I expect him to drop my hand once we step through, but he grips it tighter.

“I meant what I said, Alessia,” he whispers in my ear, pushing the hair off my shoulder. “I will always be yours—in any way that you’ll have me. ”

All the ways.

I want him in all the ways .

And I can’t tell if it’s me or the shadow-self this time, but we agree for once.

Except I can’t have him in all the ways. He made it clear: we will never be intimate. Not fully and completely. And that should be okay—sex isn’t everything—but I’ve never craved anyone like I do him. The thought of never having him in that way floods me with a river of sadness.

I will never truly have all of him.