Chapter 4

Chapter Four

G wen stared out the window. She could hardly fathom the vastness of this estate. Of Ash’s estate. Lord Ashdown, she corrected. It was such a contradiction to everything she knew of him. Sure, he’d always been powerful, but he’d also been kinder than anyone she’d ever known.

As if he’d been summoned by her thoughts, Ash appeared in the doorway that led from her dressing room. He leaned against the jamb, one foot crossed over the other with both hands resting on top of his cane, groomed and dressed to perfection. Warmth filled his eyes, and he smiled. He was still Ash, just as she’d remembered him, except that there was a weariness there that didn’t used to be.

“May I come in?” he asked.

“Of course, my lord.”

He nodded his approval. “Thank you, Mrs. Lawrence.” He leaned on his cane slightly as he made his way across the room. Another change. The cane used to simply swing at his side as he walked.

“Have a seat.” He waved the cane toward the chairs near the fireplace. She settled herself into one and he took the other.

“I realize you don’t owe me an explanation,” she said, “but I would appreciate one. I’ve never seen you treat anyone the way you treated those servants this morning, and I confess to being a bit startled by it.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry. I should have warned you before we got here. Thank you for just going along with it.”

She waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. “That’s not exactly an explanation, Ash.”

He sighed and picked a piece of lint from the arm of the chair. “There are some things going on here that I need to get to the bottom of. I need my staff to be nervous because they are more likely to make mistakes so I can figure out which of them are involved. None of them knows what I’m really like, so I’m just acting as my father might have.”

“But, presumably, after this long, most of them won’t have known your father either.”

He chuckled cynically. “Oh, they will have heard stories.”

“Was your father so different from you?”

His head whipped around, his brows furrowed. “I can only hope I’m different than he was.” His voice was quiet, but she could still hear the anguish in it. Apparently, she’d touched a sore spot.

“I only meant that I’ve never known you to be anything other than kind. Was your father unkind?”

He barked a scornful laugh. “More than you could possibly imagine.” Sadness filled his eyes and he looked down at his lap.

“I’m sorry, Ash. I didn’t mean to bring up unpleasant memories.”

He raised his gaze to hers, his smile back in place but not quite reaching his eyes. “What have I said about apologizing to me?”

“Yes, my lord,” she said in as brattish of a tone as she could manage. A flash of amusement crossed his face and he chuckled.

“I need your help, Gwen, and so I have a proposition for you. I feel as if I should apologize for what I’m about to say before even uttering the words, but here they are anyway. How would you feel about pretending to be my mistress while we’re staying here?” He said the words in a nervous rush, as if he were terrified of her response.

“Ash, I’ve already offered to be your actual mistress. How can you possibly think to shock me by asking me to pretend?”

“I promise to remain a gentleman and not do anything untoward.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course you do.”

“In exchange for your acting skills, I will provide you with a new wardrobe and anything else required, as well as pay you for your time.”

“Ash,” she said, shaking her head. “Can’t you ever just let someone help you?”

He ignored her question. “Are you sure, Gwen? I don’t want you to do it if you’re uncomfortable with any of it.”

“Of course I’m sure, Ash. I’m happy to do or be anything you need.”

He reached across for her hand and squeezed it. “Thank you. Let’s have something to eat, and then we’ll head into town. Lord Ashdown’s mistress would never be seen in a flour sack of a dress like that one.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to disappoint his lordship.”

He squeezed her hand again before getting to his feet. “Well then, Mrs. Lawrence, shall we?” He held out his arm and she allowed him to lead her from the room. She would gladly play the role of his mistress if it meant spending more time with him. Her stomach clenched as they made their way toward the dining room. What did that say about her? Until yesterday, she’d thought herself married. She’d made vows. Yet here she was, eagerly anticipating her time with another man.

Was Greg out looking for her even now?

Ash looked down at her hand, which she’d gripped tightly onto his arm without even realizing it. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her temple, then whispered into her ear.

“I promise we’ll talk about whatever this is, as soon as we’re alone.” He trailed his finger down her neck and along her shoulder, drawing out a shiver, even though she knew the caress was only for the benefit of the watching servants.

He escorted her to the chair to the left of his before seating himself at the head of the table. He ignored every servant that approached, but Gwen saw their trepidation.

Ash picked up a grape and held it to her lips. A flutter of excitement hummed through her as she took it between her teeth, his fingertips just brushing her lips as they closed around the fruit. Somehow, when he’d asked her to pretend to be his mistress, she’d only taken that to mean she’d not deny it. She hadn’t realized there’d be this kind of interaction involved. Ash had never so much as flirted with her in all the time she’d lived at Raven House. She, on the other hand, had never ceased flirting with him. She’d taken pleasure in watching him squirm. Perhaps he was paying her back for that now. Well, two could play at that game.

She slipped her hand under the table and placed it on his knee. His pupils dilated as she slid it slowly up his thigh and his throat worked with a swallow. His eyes narrowed in warning, but she simply quirked up a brow, daring him to stop her. The fabric of his trousers tightened beneath her fingers as his arousal grew and she felt a moment of triumph.

But then panic flashed in his eyes.

She quickly moved her hand, placing it over his own on top of the table, squeezing her apology.

She could hear the words as the corners of his eyes crinkled with a small smile, ‘you don’t have to apologize to me’, but she squeezed again to say, ‘yes I do’. She’d never intended to make him uncomfortable. Well, perhaps she had a little, but seeing fear in his eyes made her heart hurt for him. He was so strong, it was hard to imagine him scared of anything. Maybe there was more behind his rules than she realized.

When they climbed into his carriage a short time later, he sat down next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, but as soon as the door was shut, he closed the curtains and moved to the opposite seat, taking his warmth with him.

“I’m so sorry, Gwen. If you’re too uncomfortable, we can stop. Perhaps I can escort you down to London and come back on my own, once you’re safely settled at Raven House.”

“Stop it, Ash. I’m not the one who is uncomfortable.”

He tipped his head. “Your hand that clamped onto my arm earlier would suggest otherwise.”

“That was different.” She shook her head. “My thoughts in that moment weren’t even about you.”

“What were they about, then?”

She folded her arms across her chest. “I will tell you, but only if you promise to answer my questions, as well. And not with your usual dodges. If you’re going to expect honesty from me, I deserve the same in return.” She wanted to know more about what he was doing here and why he’d stayed away so long.

He nodded, seeming to mull over her words. “Fair enough.”

“Promise me, Ash. And promise you won’t try to weasel your way around what I’m asking. I know you.”

He took her hand in his and looked into her eyes. “I promise.” He sat back in his seat, resting his cane on his lap. “So tell me, if it wasn’t me, then what had you frightened, Gwen?”

Her heart began to pound again as her mind brought up the question. “What if he’s looking for me?” Her fingers fidgeted with the fabric of her skirt.

“You don’t need to be afraid, Gwen. You’re with me now. I will never let him hurt you again.” A muscle ticked in his jaw, and she didn’t doubt for a second that he would protect her.

“But what of my wedding vows?”

He let out a sad sigh. “I’m sorry, Gwen, but they weren’t real.”

“Yes, but I didn’t know that. I threw myself at you, quite literally, and didn’t feel an ounce of shame when you had your hands wrapped around my bare backside. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. What kind of person does that make me?”

“Gwen, you haven’t done anything wrong. You were scared and hurt and not at all in your right mind last night. You certainly don’t need to feel guilty about anything you’ve done. You are a sweet, wonderful, caring woman who was taken advantage of by a terrible man. I wish I could take that away and make it so it never happened.”

That wasn’t exactly an answer to what she’d asked, but he was right about her state of mind. She simply nodded. “Thank you, Ash, for always being so kind.”

Before she could ask more questions, they arrived in the village. She’d never been so spoiled in all her life. By the time they finished, she had several gowns, a new coat, undergarments, shoes, stockings, reticule, night clothes, and multiple pieces of expensive jewelry. She could only imagine how much it had cost him.

“Perhaps not as good as what Ella would have made for you in London,” he said, once they were settled into the carriage, once more, “but it will do for the time being. It also allowed me to give some patronage to my own village for once.”

“Ash, how am I ever going to pay you back for all of this?”

He waved a hand dismissively. “I told you, it’s part of the ruse. You needed appropriate attire.”

She shook her head. There was no use arguing with him. “Well then, thank you, my lord.”

“You’re quite welcome, Mrs. Lawrence.”

She giggled. “Where did that name come from anyway?”

He shrugged. “I hadn’t thought it through and it was the first thing that popped into my head.”

Gwen loved his smile. Especially the mischievous one that made his dark eyes sparkle. She could lose herself in those eyes forever.

“I hope you won’t mind.” His voice startled her from her dreamy thoughts. “There is another stop I need to make before we return… home.” The pause hadn’t been lost on her. She knew he didn’t think of this place as home and had struggled to say it.

“Of course. Whatever you need.”

* * *

A wave of nervousness washed over Ash as the carriage came to a halt before a small, but well-kept cottage. He asked Gwen to wait and climbed down from the carriage. It was such a complicated mix of emotions that filled him as he approached the front door. He wasn’t afraid of the man, even though he had administered countless beatings on his father’s orders. Ash hadn’t understood at the time, of course, but he could remember the look on Benson’s face. The man had done it in order to spare him from worse.

His hand trembled slightly as he raised it to knock. The door opened, and when Benson’s eyes came to rest on Ash’s face, his bright smile instantly vanished, replaced by a look of shock, or perhaps even horror. Ash didn’t say anything for a moment, allowing him time to simply absorb who it was standing before him.

“My lord!” he finally said, dropping into a deep bow. Confusion and fear had both crossed the man’s face, but he didn’t meet Ash’s gaze again. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Well, it would seem I’m temporarily in need of a valet,” Ash said simply.

Benson did look up then, his eyes searching Ash’s face. “I don’t understand, my lord. Why me?”

Ash shrugged. “Because I believe I can trust you.”

Benson scoffed, but then stopped himself. “Apologies, my lord.”

“You may speak freely with me, Benson.” Ash spoke softly and tried to be as unintimidating as possible.

The older man looked into Ash’s eyes, his own beginning to shimmer with unshed tears. “After all I did to you? All the pain I inflicted upon your young body? How could you ever begin to trust me?”

Ash breathed in deeply before responding. “Because I’m not that boy anymore, and I understand now that what you did was, in fact, a kindness. You spared me from the worst of my father’s wrath. My father was the brutal tyrant, Benson. Not you.”

“But then I abandoned you.” Tears spilled over the man’s cheeks and his chin trembled.

“Of course you didn’t.” Ash tried his best to reassure the man. His heart broke for him. He’d had no idea he harbored so much guilt. “After my brother… well, after he was gone, things became volatile. My father’s grip on reality was fragile at best, and his rages became indomitable. You couldn’t have tempered him, even if you’d stayed.”

Benson sniffed. “I would be honored to serve you, my lord.” He bent into another deep bow.

Ash placed a hand on his shoulder and urged him upright. “I’ll not have you kissing my ring, Benson. I’m not my father.”

Benson looked into his eyes, the corners of his mouth tipping up ever so slightly. “Of course you’re not, master Adrian.”

Joy warmed Ash’s heart, healing a small part of it that had broken a lifetime ago. He patted Benson on the shoulder. “Good man. I should warn you, though. You may see me behaving a bit like my father. I’d appreciate it if you would play along. There are things afoot at Woodburn that I’m trying to get to the bottom of. Which is also why I need you to start today. I’ll see to anything you might need to make that happen.”

Benson’s laugh was filled with amusement as he wiped his tears. “You weren’t going to take no for an answer when you came here, were you?”

Ash leaned in and spoke conspiratorially, “I think you’ll find I rarely do.”