Chapter 8

ASHEN

Seven days.

Each one has been more agonizing than the last. When I think I’ve reached the limit of suffering, the darkness grows deeper still.

I realize now how close I must have always been to the edge of this. Guilt and regret were faithful suits I could wear. The threads never wore out. There were always more to replace them if they snapped.

The sculptures I hid in the house that no one wanted. The leniency I sometimes granted to immortals in the Living Realm. The fact that I never found much interest in others of my kind. Perhaps these were warning signs.

I wanted something for myself. I shed the skin of shame. I chose to embrace the love I felt for Lu, and it opened the doorway to loss.

The shadow of love is rage. And my fury consumes me, body and soul.

I’m thinking of all the things I will accomplish with the blade in my hand when a sound startles me from my wicked reverie. I look over my shoulder and watch Ediye enter the Council Room, her gaze surveying the blood on the floor and the broken furniture littering the wide space.

“I noticed something interesting when I arrived at the library this morning,” the witch says as she rights an overturned chair, wiping her hand across the seat before sitting next to me.

I have no interest in expending energy by talking, so I only offer a grunt in reply. I keep my eyes down on the blade I sharpen with methodical strokes.

“There were no ghost hosts today,” she continues, undeterred.

Ghost hosts. That sounds like something Lu would say. I glare down at the dagger in my hand.

“No haunted carriages either.”

I grunt again.

“Then I heard an interesting rumor. That there was a decree issued that souls will no longer be used in service to Reapers. I thought to myself, ‘who would have done that?’ And then I heard that any demons caught disobeying this decree would be punished by death, to which I thought, ‘I bet I know exactly where that decree came from.’”

I stay silent for a long moment, sliding the blade across the stone, though the edge cannot get much sharper. “She hates that we used them.”

I give no more detail than that. There is no reason to, and the witch understands. She is always pushing, but only enough to bend the line of my irritation, never break it.

We sit in silence for a long moment. I think about the time I brought Lu to the library. We stood in the vestibule, and she cast her hand across the page of her notebook, asking about the werewolf soul chained to the door. She wanted to know what his crime had been, and I gave no thought to my answer. I said I didn’t know. I never expected a reaction, but Lu challenged me. Fearlessly. In my own domain. In the realm of her enemies. And she did it with kindness. She looked at me not with anger, but empathy.

How this place must have sickened her. Terrified her. And yet she still has mercy for the souls and demons residing here, despite everything the Shadow Realm has taken from her, everything it put her through. I understand now how much she strives to connect with others, even despite herself. The loneliness she must have felt during her years in hiding…it must have been suffocating.

“You look like shit,” the witch says, tearing me free of my thoughts. “Come and get something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You think you’ll find her any faster by starving yourself?”

I glance up at the room before returning my attention back to my blade. “I have more important things to do.”

“Right, like re-killing people you’ve already killed several times before.”

“Exactly. That is called justice.”

“Actually, it’s called vengeance, but sure, whatever.”

“Your memory is short, witch. You seem to be forgetting the vengeance you took out on me in the barn when you killed me with your starblades.”

“Starblades. I like that.” Ediye smiles as though I’ve brought up fond memories. “I’m not forgetting. Because that was justice.”

I can’t argue with her on that point. I could have fought back in the barn, but I had a debt to pay. Ediye was owed her pound of flesh.

“Did Lu ever tell you how we met?” the witch asks, her voice quieter than before. I glance up and shake my head. She gives me a bittersweet smile. “She’d overheard a human man in a tavern, bragging about how he’d caught me. His name was Matthew.”

“Matthew,” I repeat with a huff of a mirthless laugh at the meaning of his name. Gift from God. “I can imagine Lu would find him appetizing.”

“Definitely. He had me subdued in his cottage. It was late when he returned from the tavern that night. I heard him coming up the stairs, and I was terrified. I refused to use my powers for his advantage. I knew he was going to kill me for it. And then, all of a sudden, I heard this loud thud on the porch. In dances this wild whirlwind of a vampire, dragging Matthew by the ankle. I was just as afraid of being cornered by her, but she was determined to be friends, whether I wanted to or not. Great friends, Lu even said. I just know it.”

A long sigh passes my lips. “That sounds like Lu.”

“Yeah,” Ediye says. Her voice sounds thin and weak. I hear her swallow and I look over, but her eyes are cast down from me. “She helped me take my justice. We were not merciful. And we didn’t stop at Matthew.”

I notice in the silence stretching around us that I must have stopped sharpening my blade. I turn it over in my hand as I wait for the witch to either continue or leave her memories buried in history.

A scuffling sound draws my attention to the door behind us and Cyrus appears, his gaze bouncing between me and the witch. He says nothing, just jerks his head in the direction of the hall. My fury swirls in anticipation. I trap it in my gut and wave him off. He nods and disappears down the hall and I watch the empty space of the doorway as his footsteps retreat down the corridor.

“I had a son once,” Ediye says, almost a whisper. My gaze snaps back to her but her eyes are fused to her upturned palms. “He was half human. It was just me and him. His name was Tayo. It means boy full of happiness.”

Pinpoints of light appear above the witch’s palms. The image of a child takes form in the shifting, luminescent grains, like glowing sand. The animated face of the young boy laughs without sound, and Ediye smiles. I close my eyes as my head drops.

“Matthew.”

“Yes. Matthew found out I was a witch, a real witch, and watched me for several days. I didn’t know. He saw an opportunity with Tayo, and he took it the first chance he got. If Tayo had inherited any of my abilities, he was too young for them to manifest to protect himself when he was in danger. I left the cottage to go foraging for lobelia at the river, and I wanted Tayo to stay back, so I had a human girl from down the road come to watch him. He wasn’t a strong swimmer. The river was fast with spring meltwater. I thought he’d be safer at home.” Ediye lifts her palms and blows the light from her hands. “I was wrong.”

Ediye stands and moves toward the center of the room. My chest is burning with rage for the loss she has endured. My wings spill plumes of smoke across the floor as I watch her take a few steps away.

“When I got back to the cabin, the girl was dead and Tayo wasn’t there. But Matthew was. He said he would kill my son unless I went with him and used my powers for whatever he wanted. Stealing money. Stealing booze. Murdering people he didn’t like. Petty human things. But I would have done anything for Tayo. So, I agreed to go with Matthew. I left my home as his hostage. And within two days, my son was dead. I felt it, the moment his light left the world.” The witch turns to face me with fierce eyes full of latent anger, tears glistening on her dark skin. “I took the lives of everyone who helped Matthew. I killed anyone even remotely acquainted with him, even if they knew nothing about me. Lu was with me every step of the way. She never judged me when justice became vengeance. And it was Lu who helped me see the path back. We won’t find Tayo’s light in this darkness, Ediye, and he can’t see you if you wear it like a cloak. Goddess above. It was like she reached right into my chest and crushed the last of my heart with those words. The thought that his bright little soul could be out there somewhere, unable to find me, it was unbearable. Or even worse, that he was watching from beyond the veil and didn’t recognize me in my grief and vengeance. That was when I knew I had to stop. I had to learn to nurture my light, so I could be the lantern to show Tayo the way in the dark.”

I didn't think my heart could fit another layer of sorrow in its broken cage, but it takes Ediye’s words and makes room for more. The witch’s onyx eyes bore into me, and I look away. “I cannot stop. Not until we uncover everyone who was working with the Nephilim. Not until we know why they really wanted Lu. I might never find her if not.”

“All right, Reaper. But ask yourself this: can she find your light in this darkness?”

A flare of fire burns in my back. Smoke thickens around us. “There is no light in me to find. There is only darkness. Lu ismy light.”

A long, patient breath leaves the witch. We look at one another for a moment until I cannot bear her empathetic scrutiny any longer. I turn my attention to my knife and resume the steady sweep of the blade across the stone.

“I’ll be at Bit Akalum with Cole. Join us, if you change your mind,” Ediye says as she lays a hand on my shoulder.

“I won’t.”

“I know. But you can try.” Ediye squeezes her fingers around my skin as though trying to impart her gentle calm. It’s a futile effort. She pulls her hand away and starts toward the door.

“Witch,” I call out before she passes into the corridor. Her footsteps halt at the threshold. I stand, tilting my head side to side, relishing the crack between my bones. Pain slides down my back as my wings uncoil, smoke and flame and sparks. And something more.

I don’t turn around. This is my reminder of who I am, who I really am, should she try to push too far.

“Tell Cyrus to send them in. I’m ready.”

There is a silent pause. And then the witch is gone.