EPILOGUE

15 months later

I wanted to believe I'd finally found what I was looking for.

The truth is, I didn't find anything. I'd been walking without purpose or direction, longing for a time or a place I knew I couldn't have. This unbearable yearning began to settle inside me when I met Levi.

Levi is the time. He is the place. With him, all that I feel inside me becomes quiet. He is my quiet as much as he says I am his.

Now, I stand back, watching with pride as he mingles with guests at his first solo showing at Gallery 180. Fifteen months stable.

Although I stand a little away from him, I'm careful to remain within Levi's line of sight. He turns to look for me every now then, and I make sure he can spot me easily.

His friends from the support group, Terri and Derek, talk animatedly with him and a potential buyer, as they study one of Levi's many paintings available today. Daniel moves around the room like he's auctioning off Van Gogh's work itself. Evaline makes her way through the gallery studying Levi's paintings like a proud mother.

Levi turns his head in my direction. A visitor passes between us, blocking me from his view temporarily.

I step to the side and our eyes meet across the room. It's not very different from the first time we met – standing across from each other like this in this very gallery.

Levi takes a step toward me but is accosted by my mother, who turns him in the direction of a painting on the other side of the room. She'll explore every inch of his mind trying to understand the nuances of whichever painting she's taking him to.

Mark and my father join them. My father puts his arm around Levi, nodding enthusiastically as he listens to Levi.

A skitter of happiness travels down my spine as I watch them. Levi's greatest fear was that my family wouldn't accept him because of his disorder. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing them accept him over and over again.

"Hayden?"

Mrs. Anderson stands to my left. I do my best not to judge her the way I usually do. I judge all of them harshly. Maybe too harshly. Even his dad, who is oblivious to how much his son struggles daily, doesn't escape the grudge I hold against them. Ignorance isn't enough of a reason to not understand those you claim to love.

Sometimes, however, like today, I have to be polite.

"Hi, Mrs. Anderson," I say.

She smiles. "I wanted to thank you for inviting us. David wanted to come but little Jonah isn't feeling well. They didn't want to travel with him like that. He promised to come to the next one."

I dip my head. "Levi is very talented. I'm glad you could come and see his work."

She smiles wider, but I recognize the signs of anxiety. For Levi's sake, as this is his mother, I offer her another smile. "Really, Mrs. Anderson. We're glad you're here. And I hope to see David and his family soon."

Her head jerks in a nod. "I – I just wanted to thank you." A stammer in her tone. "For the way you treat Levi. I always feared he'd be alone because of his – his Bipolar Disorder. But you love him. I can see that."

"I do love him. I'll always treat him well."

She looks at me earnestly. "You'll take care of him? Always? Even in the bad times?"

"Yes, especially in the bad times."

Tears shine in her eyes. "Thank you." She looks over her shoulder to where Mr. Anderson has now joined Mark, Levi, and my parents. "To all of you. I – I want to be . . . like you. Like them." She inhales and blinks away her tears. "I don't want to care about what people think. I want to accept Levi as he is and be there for him."

"That's all Levi needs from us," I say.

She nods and then throws her arms around me. "I'm just always so scared," she sniffs.

I return her hug, understanding. "It's okay to be scared. But he just needs those who love him to try. Because he's trying so hard."

"I'll try. I promise, I'll try."

I catch Levi's eyes over his mother's shoulder. He raises an eyebrow. I grin, giving him a thumbs up sign.

***

By nine-thirty, Levi has had enough of the crowd, and we quietly excuse ourselves, escaping to the seclusion of our home. He stands at the doorway to our bedroom now, watching me as I pull on a t-shirt. A bright smile covers his face, lighting up his beautiful eyes. But there's fear lurking somewhere beneath the surface too because he's holding Nicholas's suit in his hand.

He steps into the bedroom. Then, with a deep breath, he pays the penance he thinks he owes me. "Hayden," he says on a shaky breath. "Thank you for today. It was the best day of my life. I never thought I would have so many friends and family around me at the same time."

He lifts the hand holding Nicholas's suit. "And because of all that I have to be thankful for, I realized that this is long overdue. I'm sorry I took so long. And I know I look sad right now, after having the best day, but it's just for now. It's because I'm remembering a time when I was so cruel to you."

Another deep breath. I remain silent, giving him the space he needs to get through this.

"Hayden, I apologize for taking Nicholas's suit and for the way I behaved that day. Sometimes, mania can take my inhibitions away and I do things I'm ashamed of. This is one of those things. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for violating your privacy like that. But maybe you can. I'm asking for your forgiveness for my behavior."

He looks at me earnestly. My heart breaks for how many times he must have practiced those words.

"I forgive you, Levi," I say quietly, but without hesitation.

He hands the suit over to me. "Thank you, Hayden. I had it dry-cleaned, uh, again. Your note to him is in the jacket pocket." He's struggling to allow himself this freedom. "I made a promise to myself that I'll take care of his peace lily. For you. I won't let it die."

"Thank you. Will you forgive me for not telling you about the suit?"

"Yes," he answers immediately.

I tip Levi's chin upward, swallowing around the lump in my throat. "Thank you. I love you, Levi."

"Okay. Thank you, Hayden. Thank you for today and all the days before this. I love you too, Hayden." He cries. I hold him tightly against me. It's hard to forgive yourself. I know this too well, but maybe one day he'll let it go.

I pull away to look at his face. Brushing my thumb across his wet cheeks, I lower my head to kiss his sadness over this suit. His eyes are lowered. He won't look at me. Gently, I catch his chin between my thumb and index finger again. When he finally meets my eyes, I tell him softly, "I want to marry you, Levi."

Tears fill those soft brown eyes, wide now, as he takes in my words. "Are you sure?" he chokes out.

I nod. "I'm sure," I say, reaching for the nightstand drawer to pull out a small box. Levi's body vibrates. He covers his mouth with his hands, trying to keep his sobs contained.

"I never thought anyone would ever want to spend their life with me," he says between sobs. "I never thought anyone would ever choose me."

I take his left hand in mine. "I choose you, Levi. I want to spend my life with you. Will you choose me too?"

Levi nods, sniffing back his tears. "Yes, Hayden. A thousand times, yes." I slip the ring onto his finger.

"I love you so much," he whispers, pressing his finger to his lips and kissing his ring. "I'll try not to let you down, Hayden."

It isn't the proposal other people have, filled with shrieks of joy and infectious shouts of laughter. My and Levi's story will always be different. So, I hold him to me, understanding that his joy is there, soaked in his tears. "I'll try not to let you down, Levi," I say.

"I finished the new painting yesterday," he tells me after some time. "Do you want to see it?"

Bringing his face up to mine, I kiss his forehead tenderly. "Of course."

I place the suit on the chair next to the vanity, and we walk to his studio hand in hand. Levi stops in front of his easel. "Remember I told you I wanted to paint us a sad love song?"

I nod.

"Well, I painted a love song, but it's not sad. It's just the truth of us."

My eyes move to the easel. It takes my breath away, the painting. Exquisite in its vividness, enchanting in the way it captures you. I step forward for a closer inspection.

"It's me and you and us," Levi explains. He points to the left half of the canvas, painted in long, wide strokes of purples, reds, and deep blues. "This is you. You, and all the pain you have to live with for losing Nicholas."

My throat closes up, my eyes falling on Levi's compassionate face. I offer him a smile, hoping it will convey the extent of my gratitude. He's shown me the chaos I've carried in my heart for so long. The darkness and turmoil I'd been drowning in until the day I met him. "Thank you, Levi."

He nods, returning my smile.

He points to the right half of the painting. The colors here are vibrant, filling the space with bright yellows, deep burnt oranges, and blinding blues, painted in slightly smaller strokes than the ones on the left. Within the strokes are even smaller strokes, painted in soft blues, smokey grays and white.

"This is me," Levi says. He points to the bright strokes. "This is my mania." And then, to the lighter strokes. "These are my lows."

Then, he points to the center of the painting, where the darkness of my grief meets the ambivalence of his Bipolar Disorder. The colors have been blended – blues mixing with the yellows to create a bright green. From within the green, tiny musical notes unfurl.

"This is us," Levi explains, pointing to the middle. "It's us, blended together to make something new. Our own love song."

I pull him into my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around him. "It's beautiful, Levi. You're so talented," I whisper into his hair.

"So, you like it?" he asks against my heartbeat.

"I love it. Let's hang it up in our bedroom."

Levi pulls back, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "That would be awesome." Then, he steps out of my arms and reaches into his pocket. "I also got you something," he says.

"Oh?" I say, eyeing his hand.

He opens his fist. In his palm is a bracelet much like the one I gave him at the hospital. He lifts it for me to see. "I got two charms to go with it. You don't have to wear it if you don't—"

I inspect the bracelet, my smile widening. "I do."

He smiles. "One is a hotdog, to remind you of how much it means to me when you sit with me in the silence. And how thankful I am that you shared that part of your life with Nicholas, with me." He shows me the second charm. "And this is a peace lily. So you'll be reminded of how grateful I am for the way you care for me and to let you know that I, too, will honor the love you have for Nicholas. He should never be forgotten."

"Thank you, Levi." I hold out my hand. "Put it on."

Levi's eyes light up once more. "You like it?"

"I love it, Levi. I'm touched by your thoughtfulness."

He fastens the bracelet around my wrist and then, I take his hand in mine, tracing the freshly inked area along his inner forearm. I line up my forearm, also freshly tattooed, to his. The words I'm making it through, engraved within a thicket of vines, line up perfectly.

"We're making it through," I tell him. "Every day, we're making it through."

He nods vigorously. "We're making it through."

We're making it through.

It's enough. For me and Levi, it's more than enough.

We're together, and we're making it through.