CHAPTER 55

I didn't die.

If I wasn't so low, so, so sad, I would've smiled at the idea of being alive.

Hayden came.

I heard his voice. It's fuzzy in my head, but I know he came.

The nurse wheels me back to my room after my independent psych evaluations. I insist that I can walk but she tells me she's been a nurse at this hospital for thirty-five years, and she knows how to take care of her patients, so can I please sit down.

I don't have the energy to argue, so I allow her to wheel me around like I'm some type of invalid.

Dr. Emily has been consulted in regard to my history. In the last twenty-four hours, since I've been awake, she's sent me several messages of encouragement. Laura too.

My parents and David text to say they'll be here as soon as visiting hours open. Daniel and Terri too, but they said they'll come tomorrow because they don't want to overwhelm me. I'm so sad when I talk to Terri. All I can think about is Sasha.

"How is she, Ter?" I ask desperately.

"She's really, really struggling, Levi. She says breathing is hard."

"Check up on her, Ter. Please."

"I will. You concentrate on you, okay?"

"Okay."

The only person I haven't heard from is Hayden. I am simultaneously devastated and relieved. The shame of my situation is debilitating. I want so desperately to see him, but the thought of seeing him is terrifying. Knowing that this is not his first rodeo makes me sick. But still, why hasn't he called? Or texted?

I suffer through visiting hours with my family.

David tells me about baby Jonah and says I should visit them soon. My father taps me on the shoulder the whole time and tells me nothing is impossible with a little faith. My mother cries and cries and tells me to please just try.

Finally, the nurse tells me I have another visitor. "He's just outside. He wants me to ask you if it's okay for him to be here," she says.

My heart bangs inside my chest. My desperate need to see Hayden is as paralyzing as my fear of seeing him.

But he came. In my last coherent moments, I told him to come, and he did. I should, at least, have the courage to face him.

"Yes," I tell the nurse.

I'm seated upright on my bed, watching the doorknob turn.

He stands just inside the doorway. He hasn't slept. His clothes are crumpled.

"Are you sure it's okay that I'm here?" he asks. His soft voice barely carries through the space between us. In my mind, I've jumped off the bed and run to him.

In reality, I'm chained to the bed by my shame, unable to breathe. But I have to try. I dip my head. Yes. Yes, Hayden. It is okay that you are here. Is it okay that I want you here even when I know how much you will suffer because of me? Is it okay that I can offer you nothing but heartache?

"I'm in love with you," he says from the doorway.

Tears roll down my face.

"Please accept that, Levi." He steps inside. I hold his gaze despite the heaviness of my body pulling me down into a damning despair.

"I'm so sorry, Hayden," I whisper. "I promised you I would try. That I would be good. And I destroyed such a special thing between you and Nicholas. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't face myself. I couldn't face you." I choke on my words.

"It was the note that triggered you."

"The first trigger was when Dr. Emily told me I'll need to get onto Lithium, but, yes, the note is what sent me over the edge." Hayden reaches me. "I was so ashamed, Hayden," I whisper. "I wanted to just fucking die."

"I'm sorry, Levi. I truly am. But you didn't know. I should've told you. I—" He inhales on a shaky breath. "I was a coward. I didn't' know how to tell you it was Nicky's suit. I chose the easy way out and I avoided it altogether. I'm sorry, Levi. If I'd asked for the suit back, if I'd told you the truth none of this would have happened."

"No. I should've known. It was smaller than the rest of your clothes. At the very least, I should've asked first. What I did was unforgivable."

"It's not unforgivable," he says.

"How long before I break you, Hayden?" I ask, angry that he won't acknowledge the destruction I have caused. "You are the very best thing that has ever happened to me, but I will destroy your life. I already have."

"You haven't destroyed my life." And then, "I know how to love you just like this, Levi. I know how to love you just as you are."

"You've seen the worst, Hayden. You know how this could end. Two nights ago, I didn't know if I was manic or low. All I knew was that I was in so deep it was swallowing me whole. What will you do when I'm so manic that I spill all Nicholas's secrets to some sleazy tabloid? Or I auction off all of your paintings one day in a manic rage? Or I leave you. Disappear without an explanation."

He falters.

"What will you do when you can't pull me out of those terrifying lows?"

"I'll sit with you in the silence," Hayden says quietly, and his unmoving faith in us breaks me.

"Where did you learn that, Hayden? Did Nicholas teach you that?" This man deserves so much more than me.

"Yes. Nicky – Nicholas – used to tell me to sit with him. Stay with me, Hayden, he used to say. Just sit with me in the silence."

"You deserve more," I tell him. "I'm not worth this much, Hayden. I'll be nothing more than deadweight. A burden." My tears break free.

"You say you're not worth it, but you are the only thing in my life that makes sense, Levi. You understand what it is to be lost. Do you know why I wanted your painting at the gallery that first day we met? Because I had finally found someone who understood me. I'm not ignorant, Levi. I get how hard this is going to be, but I'm choosing it. I come with my own baggage too. I worry that I'll be too much for you. That you'll get tired of being with someone who thinks about the past so much."

My head aches. My heart is in pieces. "I could never tire of you, Hayden."

He reaches out to take my hand. Kisses the pads of fingers. "You asked me what had kept me away from Nicholas's dinner last year. It was you, Levi," he says. "I didn't want to be around people. I found your gallery and I found your painting. I was meant to find you; don't you see that? I can't let this chance for happiness pass me by, Levi. I can"t walk away from you."

"Hayden," I implore. "I wore Nicholas's wedding suit. I went to a marketplace, and I propositioned a random stranger for sex. Some random stranger would have peeled that suit off me. And when I couldn't face what I'd done, I tried to fucking kill myself."

"But you made it through," Hayden says with so much sadness in his voice. "You told me to come to you. And I did. Doesn't that count for something?"

I sob. "Yes." I reach forward and fall into his arms. "I knew you would come. It counts for everything. I'm so in love with you, Hayden," I say. "I'm low, but I know this much. When I'm with you the longing for stillness stops. You're my quiet. You're my light when the darkness becomes unbearable, but I'm a lot, Hayden. I'm a commitment most people should run from. There aren't a lot of people in this world who would tolerate someone like me. I never, not once in my life, ever expected to make a life with someone. I accepted a long time ago that relationships aren't for me. So, I have to ask you to at least think about this first to make sure it's what you really want."

"I've been thinking about it for a year, Levi. Don't try to change my mind."

A silence descends upon us. Hayden keeps my hand in his, stroking his thumb over my semicolon tattoo. We speak again after a long time.

"You love him so much," I say. "Nicholas. I'm in awe of how much you love him."

"Yes. I did."

"Do. Not did. You will always love him."

Hayden gathers me in his arms. Rubs his cheek against my hair. "Thank you for that, Levi. You are a good person. A very good person. And thank you for taking care of the peace lily. He gave it to me, you know. Nicholas. He gave me that plant."

I lift my head. "I couldn't bear the thought of that plant dying. I knew Nicholas had given it to you. Evaline told me. I know what it means to you."

Hayden nods. "Thank you."

"I'm low, so it won't look like it, but I really am happy we're having this conversation, Hayden."

"I was so afraid you wouldn't want to see me. I didn't call or text because I didn"t want to risk triggering you."

"Your understanding can bring down a mountain of shame. I know I'm on suicide watch, but I don't want to die, Hayden. I want to live and be happy. I want to live inside my skin and not want to rip it off. I want the noise to stop, but it feels so hopeless sometimes."

"As long as we both breathe there is hope, Levi. So, breathe. Just breathe. I'll breathe too. And somehow, we'll make it through."

I lift my lips to his, kissing him softly. "We'll make it through."

Our visiting time is almost up. "Have they told you how long they'll keep you here?" Hayden asks.

"I started my new meds this morning. They'll monitor me. It'll be at least a few weeks."

"Can I visit every day?"

I manage a smile. "Yes." And then, "Hayden? The thing that Nicholas asked you for. I know it's something special between you and him, but I was wondering if I could – if I could also—?"

Hayden's soft smile is an anchor. "Ask me, Levi."

Pressing my ear to his heart, I ask, "Stay with me, Hayden. Please, sit with me in the silence."

"Yes, Levi." We stay like that for a long time until Hayden speaks again. "I have something for you," he says into my hair.

I shift so he can stand. He retrieves something from his pocket. It's a bracelet with two charms attached to it.

I smile my first real smile. "Batman?"

"Your hero," Hayden says.

"And Peter Pan?"

He nods. "Maybe I really can be your Neverland." He fastens the bracelet on my wrist.

Overcome with emotion, I lift my eyes to him. "No matter how far away from you this disorder may take me, Hayden, I'll always try and find my way back to you. No matter how dark it gets, I'll always look for the light."