CHAPTER 42

Christmas is the hardest, mostly because it comes rolling in not long after Thanksgiving.

The proximity of both holidays, meant to bring families together for joy and laughter, is too much sometimes.

The first Christmas without Nicholas, I escaped to Norway, much to the devastation of my family. The second year, I couldn't get past the first course, fleeing the dinner table halfway through. I drank my way through the rest of the night and all through New Year.

This year, I'm standing in my parent's living room, willing myself to just get through the evening without a breakdown. Thoughts of Levi never leave me.

It's an early dinner, thankfully. Perhaps I'll be able to escape to my home and my liquor cabinet within the hour.

"Hayden?"

"Hey, Dad."

"Mom said you just got in. Glad you could join us."

I accept a glass of champagne.

"You came alone?" Dad says.

"Yeah. Just me. Why?"

He grins. "Mom told me about a certain Levi?"

I force an upward tick of my lips. "Pillow talk?"

He laughs lightly. "Yeah. I thought you'd bring him to dinner."

"It sort of didn't work out."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. I am, however, pleased that you chose something for yourself, even if it was for just a while."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Nicky would want you to be happy."

"I know."

He nods once, rocking on his heels. At home, it's hard to see him as the stoic businessman people in his boardrooms usually see. I'm fortunate to have been given such a stable home life. I shouldn't be moping around like this. Most people in the world have it much, much worse than me. "Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah, son?" He takes a seat on the couch near the fireplace and motions for me to take the seat across from him.

"Levi has Bipolar Disorder. Did Mom tell you?"

He looks apologetic, but it's all pillow talk. I get it. "Yeah, she did."

"I'm worried that it's the only reason I'm attracted to him."

"Well, why do you think that?"

"He asked me why I was so obsessed with his disorder. Dad, I think I might be—" I'm not sure how to proceed.

"You might be looking for Nicky?"

"Yeah." I sigh. It sounds worse than it did in my head.

"Well, if it's true, then that's what it is. We can't hide from the truth, Hayden. But what do you think? Do you think that's the reason?"

"I don't know, Dad. I was drawn to him the first time I saw him. But then, I saw his tattoo of the semicolon. You know the one that—"

Dad waves his hand at me. "I know what it means."

I"m reminded of how dedicated we'd all been to understanding Nicholas. "I don't know if that's the thing that piqued my interest."

"Well, you just said things didn't work out, so all of this might not mean anything. But let me ask you this, son. What about now? How do you feel about him now? Forget about where and why it began."

"Now, if there was a chance to be with him I would. And it would be because I love the way he thinks, the way he views life. He's true, you know. He doesn't try to pretend to be anything else. I love the way he laughs. He's kind. He feels like . . ."

My father smiles. "Like?"

"Like a breath of fresh air."

"Hayden, honey, it doesn't matter that his disorder draws you to him. And anyway, Hayden, how can it not? We all know what you've been through. You can't cut that part of your life off from the life you have now." He pauses. Then, "And seeing Nicholas in him? How can you not? They are similar in some very particular ways. What's important is that right now, right this minute, Levi feels like a breath of fresh air, and do you know what that tells me?

I lift my hopeful eyes to my father.

"It tells me that it's all the proof you need that you care for Levi for reasons that have nothing to do with his disorder or Nicholas."

"Do you really think so, Dad?" I ask. I'm afraid to believe him.

"Son, your mother and I have been married nearly forty years. And even after all this time, it feels the same as the first time. She was meant for me. I knew it then and I know it now. In my heart, I knew it. You have a complicated past. But you need to trust your heart. If you know in your heart that you care for Levi as Levi, then nothing else matters."

"Thanks, Dad."

The click of my mother's heels draws us out of the conversation. "Dinner, you two?" she asks with a smile, as she fastens her earrings.

I rise from my seat. "Yes. Isn't Mark coming?"

"No. He's off somewhere in Asia. That boy can't sit still." My mother gives me a curious look. "It was all in the family group chat."

"Oh, yeah. I might've missed it." I've missed a lot these last few days.

She walks up to me and pulls me into her arms. "Everything will be okay," she says. "You always make good choices, Hayden. Somehow, everything always works out. Don't lose hope," she tells me with a kiss to my cheek.

Dinner is a small but intricate affair. Perfectly prepared food to be eaten in a particular order. I watch the time on the grandfather clock, willing for it to speed up, and go through the usual conversation topics: international politics, and how business worldwide is being affected. Almost three years for Nicholas. Life is too short.

I participate enough to avoid sympathetic glances from my parents.

Finally, dinner is done, and, after debating with my parents the pros and cons of leaving so early, I manage to convince them that I'm not sad. I just want to be in my own home.

But now, standing in my office, still, it's not enough.

My melancholy overtakes me. The sadness becomes anger, and I can't think past the fury of losing Nicholas. Of needing to give Levi up.

My heart beats a little bit faster. An ache begins at my jaw from the pressure of my back teeth grinding together. I swipe the half-finished bottle of vodka off my desk to finish it off and then, I seek out the only thing that gives me peace these days. My eyes search through the fine details of A Place Not Found. It's still propped up on the couch.

It's hard to tell what I'm looking for. Maybe the vastness of the stars will tell me where people go when they die. Maybe the man in the painting would step out of the canvas and show me the way to this place no one can find. Maybe I can join him, and together we can share our unbearable loss. I drink some more as I reach out to touch the figure of the man.

Levi. Is that you? Are you the one looking up at the stars searching, knowing you'll never find what you need?

A heavy sigh leaves my lips. Maybe sometimes the answer isn't to find anything. Maybe the answer is to be lost with someone next to you. Someone to hold on to in a strange land. Someone to catch you when you stumble on unfamiliar terrain.

The old rage of not having Nicholas bubbles to the surface, fueled by the alcohol soaking in my blood.

I would've caught him. If only I'd been there on time, I would have caught him. I would've gone to the place inside his head where he'd gotten lost, and, even if we couldn't find our way back, I would've stayed there with him until he came back to me.

And now. . . Levi. I didn't even try. I walked away without even trying to stay with him in his lost place.

But he's at fault too. He refused to see his doctor. Refused his medication. He watched my and Nicholas's private videos.

Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but he fucked up too. That old rage snakes its way through a past I cannot escape, moving at an unnatural pace until it catches up to the present.

The past and the present merge and morph into something ugly. Rising from my heart to clog my mind and I am overcome by the fury I'm directing at Levi.Why couldn"t he just take his medication? Why couldn"t he just go and see his doctor? Levi ruined things too.

The leaves of the peace lily brush against my sleeve as I turn away from the painting. It's a scratching sound.

Dry leaves. I take it to the kitchen so I can water it. Setting it on the counter, I contemplate whether it should live or die.

No. Fuck this plant. Why should it live?

Let it die.