CHAPTER 40

I wasn't angry at Nicholas when he died. I'd promised to love him through every episode. Every low and every high. Every moment of stability and everything else in between. I chose to remember our best moments together. Our best moments were not just when things were good. We had good moments while we were surrounded by the darkness of his disorder too.

When the hallucinations were so bad that he thought people were after him in the middle of the night, he was so brave. The two of us sat together on the floor and I told him it must be so scary to have people following him around like that. He told me they were scared of me, so they kept away when I was close by. So, I stayed with him. He couldn't stand any type of external noise. Even the gentle whirr of the air-conditioning or the refrigerator was too much sometimes. So, I would switch everything off. Stay, Hayden. That's what he would always say. Just stay, Hayden. Just be with me in the silence.

Just be with me in the silence. Words I'd clung to when he went to the secret places in his mind. When all I wanted was for him to talk and tell me what was wrong. To tell me what I could do to make things better. When I bought him every single one of his favorite things in the hope of lifting his mood – ginger tea, Thai green curry, cinnamon pancakes, another trip to Switzerland – all he'd say was just be with me in the silence.

I wasn't there the very last time he needed me to sit with him in the silence.

Levi has not once asked for anything. But just because he doesn't ask, it doesn't mean he doesn't need me. And if not me, then someone.

I go through his paintings. It's not hard to see the progression of our relationship through the work he's done. He's chosen meaningful objects and brought them to life. I'm drawn back to A Place Not Found, now lying on the couch in my office. I don't know when I'll hang it back up on the wall.

Always, I find myself coming back to this painting.The vividness of Levi's mania is astonishing. Despite myself, I'm drawn in so much deeper with his manic work. It's shameful to admit, but I also learned from Nicholas that it's useless to pretend. Sometimes, beautiful things can come from something as awful as mania. So, I allow myself a moment to appreciate Levi's talent.

And after I've gazed at his work long enough for my eyes to burn, I leave my office and get into my car.

I haven't seen or spoken to him in three days. His phone has been off. Maybe it's not the end. Maybe we can still work things out if we talk.

Levi isn't home when I arrive at his apartment, but his door is unlocked. In fact, the door is not even pulled all the way shut. I push it open. I know I shouldn't be here. Not after he asked me why I was so obsessed with his disorder. Not after he forced me to face the possibility that my attraction to him might have nothing to do with him at all.

Everything is clean and neat. He must've cleaned for hours and hours every day. Not a crumb on the counter and not a single spoon or cup in the kitchen sink. Every inch of the apartment is covered in Christmas decorations. One side of the wall is lined up with six advent calendars. Surrounding the large Christmas tree on the floor are ten nativity figurines.

His bedroom is also devoid of any clutter, except for his art supplies in the corner of the room. He's been painting. Half a dozen canvases lie in a neat stack on the floor. Some, I can't interpret. Others are covered with wide and vivid brushstrokes, some so loud I can almost hear his screams.

The last one at the bottom of the pile is—

Levi's face in profile on the canvas in my hand is equally astounding as the one in my home. I have stared at this face too many times to count over the last several months, my fascination with the calmness, the cloudlessness in those brown eyes never ending.

And now I know what he was looking at.

My chest aches and I brush my palm across the place where my heart beats furiously. Has he been falling in love with me all this time too?

My face in profile has been perfectly captured by Levi's brush. Even the scar underneath my ear has been painted in with such precision.

But it isn't his talent that brings me to near tears. It's the way he's looking at me in this painting.

My phone buzzes. A text message from my mother: Hayden, honey. I'm worried about you. I beg you, don't get pulled in too deep. If you can, please let him go. It would break me to watch you break a second time. And it's not fair to him if you're not ready.

I swallow the lump in my throat. My eyes devour the painting in my hand. How could I ever let him go if this is the way he looks at me? If not in real life, then at least in his secret heart?

But reality intrudes. A shield, a barrier of protection.

Three days ago, he went looking for sex at eight o' clock in the morning. The darkness of Bipolar Disorder is as real as the painting in my hand. It can destroy everyone and everything in its path. And then, there's the issue of my true intentions. I might not be in love with him. Maybe this is all just a delusion.

I set the painting down, feeling worse than I've ever felt before.

I came here with the intention of trying to talk things through with Levi, but maybe it's for the best that he's not here. I should walk away while I still can. For my sake, and for Levi's too. Maybe my mother is right. I'm not ready for this. And that's not fair to Levi.

Making sure to close the door properly, I leave Levi's apartment feeling like my body has been ripped to pieces. Back in my office, I place a call to Daniel to finalize the payment for Levi's last painting.

"This will be the last one," I tell Daniel over the phone.

"Ah, well. I'm just happy Levi did a good job for you, Mr. Ashford. He did, right? Do a good job?"

"Yes, He did. I'm very happy with the work."

"Well, we treat our artists with respect at Gallery 180. I've made sure Levi was handsomely compensated for every piece. And it will be the same for this one. You've been more than generous."

"Right."

"If you need any more customized pieces, don't hesitate to contact me. Or Levi directly. I think you two have worked well together. I can just handle the paperwork, like always, and you two can work out the details."

"When was he last at work?" I ask.

"Oh, he's here every day. And night. Sometimes, he, ah, gets like that. I let him work off the extra energy, but I told him he needs to try and get some rest. All work and no play and all that."

He's still manic. It takes everything in me not to ask more questions. The reason for this phone call is to cut all ties with Levi.

"Thanks for everything, Daniel."

I wish it could've been different, but life doesn't work that way. Nicholas was my one true love. It's enough for me. I'll never find him again. But I have my memories. They are enough. Nicholas was brave, and he fought the good fight until he no longer could. He held on as long as he could, and more than that, I couldn't have asked of him.

Levi helped me too.

He gave me a glimpse into his beautiful mind. Levi was brave enough to let me in. Even though my heart is in pieces that we cannot go further than this, I appreciate the pieces of him he was willing to share with me.

I don't need much in this world. I was born into money. Material comfort is part of my life. I'll live until I die. There isn't much more to say about it.

Leaning back heavily into my chair, I consider, for the tenth time today, calling Levi. It would be the most decent thing to do – end whatever we had officially. The truth is, I don't have the courage. And even if I did, I might not end things officially. I might beg him to take care of himself so we can be together. Not contacting him is hard, but necessary. Still, I can't escape the feeling that I'm abandoning him. I'm leaving him when he needs me the most. I'm failing him. But it should end before we both get hurt.

It's Christmas in two days. I'll spend it with my family. I'll get back to work the day after. There will be nothing new about the New Year. There has never been anything special or exciting about my life. It was like this – mundane, predictable, boring – before Nicholas. And it will be like this after Levi too.

Evaline pops her head into my office.

"Why don't you take a break? It's almost Christmas and it's a weekend."

I crack a smile for her benefit. "I've got a few more things to do."

"Why don't you ask Levi over for dinner after you're done? I made all your favorites. You can eat together."

"Shouldn't you be on your way already? Didn't I approve any holiday leave for you?"

She smiles broadly. "You did. I'll be off from today until the end of January."

"Oh, right."

"The agency has some help coming through twice a week, excluding Christmas day and New Year, until I'm back."

"Okay. Then, enjoy your time with your family. I'll see you at the end of January."

Evaline rounds the desk and pulls me to my feet. Runs her hands up and down my arms affectionately. "I don't ask questions because you are an intelligent man, and you know how to take care of yourself."

I offer her another pained smile.

"But I have just one question before I go, Hayden. Do you know what you're doing with Levi?"

This time I have a good answer. "Yes."

She stares at me.

"He has Bipolar Disorder."

"I know."

"He's manic at the moment."

"And how have you handled that?"

"I told him to take his meds."

"And has he?"

"I don't think so."

She remains silent, so I explain. "There isn't anything between us . . . not anymore, anyway."

"Did he end it?"

"I think we both did."

Evaline gives me a curious look.

"It just wasn't working out. There's nothing left," I say.

"How do you feel about that, Hayden?"

"Pretty gutted," I say honestly.

"But it's for the best?"

I nod. "Yes. It's for the best."

"You will find happiness again, Hayden."

"I know." No. I don't know that. My happiness is where Nicholas is. In a place that doesn't exist. And even if there was a chance with Levi, happiness would've been just as elusive with him as it had been with Nicholas.

I'm doing now what my therapist has always told me. I'm choosing me. My wellbeing.

And maybe somewhere in this choice, I'll find some happiness like Evaline said.