CHAPTER 38

I bend over the basin in Levi's bathroom, retching.

Dry heaving, actually, because, although it feels like I'm on the verge of vomiting out my internal organs, nothing comes out.

The sickness in my stomach is not contained there. My head feels sick, like my brain might shatter. My eyes burn as if they've been incinerated from the inside the moment Lev walked into my kitchen after his shower. My very fucking bones ache with sadness. I feel like a disease is eating away at me with the speed of a group of piranhas—soon there'll be nothing left of me.

Levi is right. He must be. I'd put it out of my mind after the first time I voiced my concerns to Sylvia. Refusing to entertain the possibility of being interested in Levi only because of his disorder. I couldn't stand the thought. Not then. Not now. I can't bear to think that all of this – my feelings for him, my fascination with him – has been nothing more than an obsession with his disorder . . . because of the similarities he bears to Nicholas.

But . . . what about his laugh that I love so much? His dark sense of humor? The depth of his thoughts? Those things have nothing to do with Nicholas.

I run my hand down my face. My heart pounds. I take several deep breaths to keep a panic attack at bay.

My phone buzzes in my pocket repeatedly. It's my mother. Her first text just before we left my house this morning was that she'd canceled her trip. All subsequent texts were requests to see me urgently. All calls, which I haven't answered, were surely for requests of the same nature.

But I can't deal with my mother right now.

Levi's choice of clothing has harmed me in ways I never considered a person could be harmed. But now is not the time to confront him about it.

Whatever string of arguments my mother has lined up for me, she would be right. I should walk away right now. No one with any good sense would choose this twice in one lifetime. And I'm no more in a position to offer Levi anything of substance than he might be offering me anything. Not long ago we made unrealistic declarations of belonging to each other forever. But maybe that was nothing more than getting swept away in the moment. Mindless words fueled by barreling orgasms.

Levi and I are both fools to think we'd be able to escape the pain of his disorder and my inability to see past it. Add to that my fear of wanting him only because he reminds me of Nicholas, and it's all nothing more than a trainwreck waiting to happen.

Splashing cold water to my face, I grab a clean hand towel from the rack on my left and wipe my face, wondering if I really could do this a second time. Fuck. Levi is not some problem to be avoided simply because he's bipolar. Why do I continue to act so self-righteous, as if he's the problem and staying with him would be some kind of favor to him? God knows, he's given me much more than I've given him.

But it can't be a coincidence that Levi walked into my life. It must be my second chance to—

To what? Make things right? To do now what I didn't do then? My head bangs, the pain reverberating and traveling to my left eye. Levi is right. I am obsessed with his disorder. This has all been to seek absolution from Nicholas's death. Levi is right. I've been using him this whole time.

Despite the chaos inside my head, I place several calls to Levi's phone on my way home. He cuts them off each time.

When I arrive home, my mother's car is parked outside.

"You didn't have to cancel your trip," I tell her when I step into the living room. "We could've just talked on the phone."

She raises an eyebrow. "The way we talked when I called you earlier?

"Sorry about that. Would you like another cup of coffee?"

"No, thank you, Hayden."

I move around the space, picking up the cup of tea Levi had left behind and ignoring the sticky stain on the leather.

"I wouldn't be worried if it wasn"t for the way you look at him, Hayden," my mother says after a drawn-out silence.

She walks over to me, places her hands on my arms. "You don't let a lot of people close, Hayden. Even when you were a child, you were very guarded about who you let in. But when you do, you hold nothing back from them."

"You make it sound like a crime," I say lightly.

The worry lines on her face deepen. "Nicholas loved you so much."

"I know."

"He wasn't his illness, but he was very, very ill, Hayden."

"Yes."

"He loved you the best way he could."

"I know, Mom."

"But he destroyed you, Hayden."

"He didn't." The words come out on a choke.

"No one ever has or ever will blame him, but it's still true."

"He made a mistake, Mom."

"And you paid for it dearly. You're still paying for it. You've demanded penance from yourself every single minute of every single day since the day he died."

I attempt a smile. If I believe her words, I'll break. "I'm okay. Really. There's nothing to worry about."

"You're in love with Levi."

I laugh. "I'm . . . not."

She smiles but it's not comforting or happy. "Hayden, honey. You won't survive a second time. You barely survived the first."

"Don't make it seem like I'm perfect and Levi is this big problem that I need to avoid, Mom. And I'm not in love with him." My words are harsh, landing sharply on my mother's compassionate face. My vehement denial only amplifies the possibility that she is right. I did, after all, tell him he would be mine for as long as he permitted it. "I've only known him for a few months," I add, to strengthen my argument.

"You look at him like you've known him for all eternity."

"You're making a bigger deal out of this than is necessary. Please, book your flight and go to France. Dad must be worried about you."

"I've already done that. I'm flying out tomorrow morning."

"Okay. Well, stay as long as you like. I'll get some work done."

"I'll cook you something." Her eyes continue to watch my face.

"No, Mom, you don't have to do that. I'm really okay. Stop worrying."

"Don't tell me to stop worrying about my children," she says affectionately. And then, "Hayden, honey. The suit—"

Her voice is soft and filled with so much pain. A pain I can't allow myself to feel because if I do, I'll surely break in her arms. "It's not what you think." I step out of her embrace, hardening my voice, so I wouldn't fall to the ground and sob.

Her voice trembles. "Okay," she says, nodding vigorously. "Okay, Hayden, sweetheart. Okay." She turns away, hiding her tears. Then, picks up her purse from the armrest of the couch and makes to leave.

I grab her and pull her into my arms. She breaks. I steel myself, keeping my bones together with nothing but guilt and shame.

"I loved you both so much, Hayden," she sobs into my chest. "You deserved so much more. He did too."

"I know, Mom. I know," I soothe both her and me.

Yes. Nicholas and I deserved so much more. But none of it matters now.

Nicholas broke everything.

But it's my fault.

I let Nicholas die.