CHAPTER 32

Evaline gives me the heads up that Levi is in my home. He looks like Nicholas used to, she says.

I didn't need the warning. I had already bet my whole life that he was manic when I received his nudes.

My shame had been insurmountable when my first reaction took place inside my pants, and my first instinct was to find him and fuck him.

I leave my meeting and head home.

I know what I'm walking into. Only the degree of devastation may change, but it is all devastating nonetheless: the non-stop movement, the eyes that beg for it to just fucking stop one second and then challenge you to dare and stop them the next second.

The accusations. You don't love me; you never did. You're just here for the manic sex. And why don't you just fucking leave? You know you want to. And maybe you're the crazy one here; you ever thought about that, Hayden?

Standing at the entrance, I press my forehead to the wooden door, afraid to enter my own home. Nearly ten months I've known this incredible man. Nearly ten months I've watched him fight so hard to keep himself together. Not even Nicholas had been as dedicated to his wellness as I've seen Levi be. He must feel so helpless because this is not a choice for him. There's no switch he can turn up or down. He must swim or be taken away with the current. And how long can you swim before exhaustion sets in and all you want is to be swept away?

I inhale deeply. I can do this again.

I can.

I couldn't get to Nicholas on time. Levi is just behind this door. I can get to him.

Another deep breath. I turn the knob.

This will be our first full-scale manic episode together, and I know that nothing will ever be the same again.

I check my bedroom first. I hate that this is the first place I look – a force of habit still unbroken from years and years before. One day I'll end everything, and you'll find me in our bedroom, Hayden. My relief at not finding Levi there is untold. Maybe he's okay.

Next, the office.

The air is knocked out of my body when the first thing that greets me is a life size image of Levi's face, looking up, his gaze, so soft and peaceful. My eyes move to the wall. A Place Not Found has been replaced with the painting of my face.

Spinning on my heels, I rush to the gallery.

Neither of us are given the opportunity to adjust to this new level we've reached. Neither of us are given a choice. He couldn't have stopped this high no matter how hard he tried, and I could've never walked away from him even if I'd tried.

He's lying on the sofa, which is situated on the left side of the room near the window, flat on his back. Without context, he looks like a bored college student wasting his time on the phone held high in the air in his hand.

I walk toward him. He knows I'm here, but he doesn't acknowledge my presence. "Levi? Are you okay?" I ask, coming to a stop in front of the sofa. And then, with sickness turning my stomach sour, "Did you take your meds?"

He sets the phone down on his chest and looks up at me. He's already flying too close to the sun. And did he get a new phone?

"Fuck the meds," he says.

"Did you take your meds, Levi?"

"I said, Hayden, fuck the fucking meds."

"You know it doesn't work like that."

He grins up at me. Sits up and swings his legs to the floor. Then, he reaches out and trails his fingers from the buckle of my belt down. I suck in a hiss because experience tells me that if we fuck right now, it'll be the best sex we'll ever have. And if I were to give in and fuck him the way he would need in this state, there'll be no coming back. "You're so fuckin' hot," he says. "Did anyone ever tell you that?"

"Yeah. You."

He rises from the couch and presses a skilled, purposeful kiss to my lips. "You're such a sweet, soft little baby, Hayden," he murmurs against my lips.

I don't buy this calm for a second. There's a storm coming. I inhale sharply, partly because of the impact of his kiss and partly to prepare for the impending chaos.

"So prim and proper," he says between whisper-soft kisses.

"Have you talked to your psychiatrist?"

"Fuck the psychiatrist."

"Have some respect, Levi."

"Okay. Fuck Dr. Emily."

"I meant for your illness."

"Fuck this illness. And it's not an illness. It's a disorder." He drags his tongue from the side of my neck all the way to my ear. "You're so fuckin' lovely, Hayden. So decent when we fuck. So respectful. So gentle."

"Levi . . ." How much more of his heightened sex drive will I be able to resist before I, too, cave and join him in his mania. Both of us, lost.

"Except, that's not really who you are, is it?"

My body stiffens. He feels it because he chuckles like he's caught me in a trap. My heart jerks with immediate fear. "Did you get a new phone?" I ask as calmly as possible but my mind races, connecting the dots. It's not his phone.

He ignores my question. "You're a fucking animal, aren't you, Hayden?"

Another lick from my chin, over my cheek, up to my temple. His wet tongue leaves a trail of fire, setting me aflame.

"Can I tell you something, Hayden?" He giggles. "It's my dirty, little secret."

My cock thickens. The treachery of my body is not new, but I hate it all the same.

"I got so hard watching you." He laughs softly against my mouth. Moves his lips up, his tongue dragging over the side of my nose, up to my closed eyes. "Can you believe that? I'm so sick, Hayden. I watched every single video on this phone. I watched you fuck the love of your life, your precious Nicholas, and I got so fuckin' hard. I'm such a fucking freak, but . . . you're a freak, too, Hayden."

Levi presses the length of his body tightly against mine. My jaw locks, my fists balled up tightly at my sides.

One half of me wants to pummel his face and tell him to never, ever touch anything of mine ever again and to never, never speak Nicholas's name.

The other half wants to step into this madness with him. To take care of that hard-on he's got pressing into me. To tell him how good it was when I fucked Nicholas through his mania. How fucking wild it was.

"You're not a prissy, upper-class prude, Hayden," Levi whispers. "You lied to me."

"I've never told you one untrue thing," I say, biting off a groan when he gyrates against me again, pressing our concealed erections against each other.

"Hmm. You omitted to tell the truth. Didn't anyone teach you that omitting the truth is also lying?"

Somewhere inside me, I find the courage to step back. My mouth salivates at the sight of him. So alive.

He looks more alive than I've ever seen him. So alert and in charge. If only mania wasn't a double-edged sword being wielded by the devil.

"You had no right going through my personal items," I say, infusing as much coldness into my words as possible. I have no other way to douse this situation.

He glares at me. "You lied."

"My sex life is not some debate to be had."

"You withheld yourself from me. Why?" he demands softly.

The question is too painful. The answer, even more so.

"I wasn't good enough?" he asks. I ignore the increase of my heart rate. I'm the one still rooted in the real world. Even if he doesn't know it, Levi is depending on me to keep us grounded. I can't lose myself.

He sneers. "I've had better."

It isn't my ego he's bruised. Something inside me breaks, and I feel it in my chest. I've always struggled with the cruelty of a manic episode. It was the words that were most regrettable when everything was over.

"But Nicholas got the best of you, obviously."

"I should step out for a while." A scream is lodged in my throat. Don't say his name.

"You fucked Nicholas so fucking good."

Stop. Please. Everything inside me trembles.

"But he choked."

"Levi. I'm begging you. Please stop."

He laughs. "Why? He couldn't take your cock, Hayden. He fucking choked every single time. In every single video. He couldn't take you all the way."

I step back. Further, until I've created enough distance between us. "Stop talking," I say quietly.

"Why should I?"

"None of this is any of your business. You've violated my privacy. I don't deserve that." Upholding my boundaries is an important part of this interaction.

He waves his hand in the air, dismissing me. "There isn't a single fucking picture of him hanging in this fucking house, Hayden. Why? Why don't you have a single picture of your precious fucking Nicholas hanging up in your house?"

I clamp down hard on my jaw, determined not to let this situation escalate.

"Why don't you want to remember him? You loved him so fucking much, so why, Hayden, don't you want to fucking remember him? Where are his pictures? Where are the social media posts celebrating his birthday? Why does the internet keep talking about how you missed the last anniversary of his death?"

Because I was at your fucking gallery, getting lost in your manic art, I want to scream. "It has nothing to do with you," I bite out. I'm failing. Not because I don't know how to handle Levi in this state but because I'm so intrigued by his brashness. He has no idea that he's asking the questions no one else has dared to ask.

"You fucked him like he was some kind of ragdoll." Accusing. "Why does Nicholas get the best of you when he couldn't even give you a good enough blow job? A good blow job is the most basic thing a man can do for someone he loves."

I remain silent.

"Just tell me, Hayden. Why did he get the animal sex, and I get the missionary guy?"

"I won't fuck you while you're manic," I say. My tone is deathly low. I need to stay in control.

"And why the fuck not?"

"You're not yourself. You can't consent in this state."

Levi laughs. "Consent? I'm a fucking grown-ass man, in case you haven't noticed. I'm fucking manic, not fucking incapacitated. And I fucking consent to every filthy fucking thing I know you're capable of doing."

He closes the distance between us. Buries his head in my neck, sucking at the skin there. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm desperate for him.

Still, I yank myself away and stalk across the room. No. I can't let this happen. Not only is he using my most private, intimate memories against me, he's also so severely manic and even after his violation of my privacy, I still have a responsibility to keep us from making a terrible mistake.

But I don't know how to stop myself. I know he'll mark me as much as I will mark him if I allow this, but we'll both suffer afterwards.

But maybe he's right. Fuck the consequences. If I rile him up, he'll become so excitable nothing will stop him. Excitement is a live electrical current racing through my body. "What do you want, Levi?" I snarl. I want to hear him say it.

"I want to know why you're only half a person with me. He's been gone for two years. Why are you still only half a fucking person?" Levi demands. It's not the answer I'm looking for, but the truth of his words pierces through my flesh, nonetheless. I wish I had the courage to answer his question: Because he took the other half of me with him.

I ignore his question. "What do you want, Levi?" I'm baiting him. I'm aware of my intentions. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I am about to fail Levi in the most monumental way possible.

"I want you to tell me how I can have all of you, like he did."

Still not good enough. My anger mixes with the need to truly fuck this man. "Tell me what you really fucking want, Levi."

He stills, processing the thunder in my voice, and I step into his mania. "Do you want me to fuck you like I fucked him?" I hurl across the room.

He stands his ground. "Yes," he hurls back. "I want you to fuck me the way you fucked him."