CHAPTER 26

It takes Levi more than an hour to get showered and dressed.

He spent ten minutes in the shower and the rest of the time locked up in his bedroom. I call Evaline to ask if she would help.

Then, I put Levi's phone to charge and bring him a glass of water as an excuse to get into his bedroom after he's been there for sixty solid minutes.

He is very low. His eyes are dull, and his movements are sluggish. His speech is a little slurred.

I hand him the glass of water. "Do you need to take any medication?" I ask.

He nods. I appreciate his attempt at a smile. He takes the water from me and trudges to the kitchen. I follow him but keep as much distance as the room allows, facing the window. Nicholas hated being watched while he took his meds. He said it felt like he was in a psych ward.

"You charged my phone?"

I turn back to him. "Yes."

"Thank you."

I dip my head, acknowledging. He walks to me. An effort, but he does it. "Really, Hayden. Thank you. I don't know why you care at all. I'm really not worth the trouble, but thank you."

"You are worth the trouble," I tell him. I understand this feeling of worthlessness. Nicholas—

Focus. This is Levi. Not Nicholas. I'm struggling trying not to slip into old patterns.

"You're not denying that I'm trouble." Levi smiles. A small, but real smile.

"We're all trouble. You're just the kind that some people don't take the time to understand."

"I'm not worth the trouble," he repeats.

"You are."

He drops his gaze. "Thank you," he says quietly. "I"ve been struggling to stay stable the last few months. Since last year, actually. Sometimes they're back-to-back with no in-between – the highs and the lows, and they're more frequent than before. I don't know why my meds are not working."

I feel bad about being angry with him earlier for not answering his phone. Sometimes, I forget how awful it can get.

"Sorry," he says. I don't comment on his repeated apologies. He won't stop apologizing no matter what I say.

"Evaline said she'll be here in thirty minutes," I say instead. Do you want to wait, or do you want to leave a key for her?"

"Where are we going?"

"I thought we could go to a park."

"Okay."

"And we could get something to eat?"

"Okay."

"Do you want to leave a key?"

"Yeah. Under the rug at the front door."

Levi leads the way out. It's too easy to walk ahead of him because he's so slow, so I make an effort to keep in step. While we walk, I text Evaline to tell her where to find the key.

Levi remains silent all through the ride until we arrive at the entrance of River Square Park.

"Have you been here before?" I ask, making sure to keep my voice low. Nicholas sometimes said that even my normal tone sounded like booming voices inside his head when he was low.

"No. Have you?"

"No."

Another effortful smile. "Oh yeah. I forgot. You never go anywhere."

I mirror his smile, grabbing a satchel from the back seat. Then, I get out of the car, rounding the hood to his side. He opens the door. I hold out my hand to him, and to my relief, he takes it.

The parking lot is mostly empty. I'm sure we'll find a less-populated spot easily.

Levi is still shutting me out. I can't get through, but I know he's trying to hold on. Trying not to retreat too far inside his mind. The grip Levi has on our entwined fingers belies the apparent sluggishness of his movements. He's holding on tightly. So, I tighten my fingers around his, and we walk in silence.

Nicholas described it like running further and further into a deep, black tunnel, where the light is not in front of you. It's behind you and you want to turn around and go back – back to your life, to the people who love you . . . back to you, Hayden, he used to say. . . but the pull of the void ahead is too strong. Turning back to the light is too painful. It's easier to just fall into that black, bottomless despair.

Levi squeezes my hand. I squeeze back, giving him as much as I can to help him turn back.

The pull to the past is suffocating but I do my best to stay here, in the present, with Levi. Ignoring the picnic spots and benches, I tug him gently in the direction of a trail ahead that seems to lead to a more secluded part of the riverbank.

I wonder if he notices the tree line or the scent of the earth or the melody created by the birds. His eyes are mostly fixed on the ground, but his crushing grip on my hand never lets up. Oh, Levi, you're trying to turn back.

When we stop at a hotdog stand, I use one hand to pay for and hold the food.

The sound of the river, whooshing gently ahead of us, brings Levi's eyes away from the ground.

"I'm sorry," he says.

I nod. "I know."