Chapter 6

6

Mikayla

There’s a stillness about the Preston property that brings a sense of peace, of calm.

Or, at least, it used to.

I’m not exactly sure when things changed.

When I changed.

A text comes through on my phone, and I hesitate to check it. As soon as we got in the car to drive here, I sent Mandy, Jake’s mom, a message apologizing for not being “myself” earlier. It was the only way I could describe how I’ve been feeling and acting lately without going into detail. Besides, how do you tell the mother of your boyfriend that her son unintentionally made her question her own self-worth?

I may be experiencing what some might refer to as a mid-life crisis… at the ripe old age of twenty-nine.

Ugh.

After sucking in a breath, I let it out slowly, then read Mandy’s reply:

Oh, sweetheart. We loved spending time with you today and love having you home more. You never have to apologize to us for anything. We LOVE you. And we’re always here if you need anything.

A knot forms in my throat at her words, but I’m quick to swallow it down. It’s clear, even to me, that there’s so much I need. I just don’t know exactly what it is, and so I don’t know how to ask for it.

I’ve been in my head a lot lately, obviously, and I’m fully aware it’s not the best place to be, but I can’t seem to escape it.

Jake’s parents, Nathan and Mandy, and even his sister, Julie, have been a blessing in my life, and even though I know that, I can’t seem to shake these waves of longing that lead to desperation.

I write back:

I love you too.

Because I do. With everything inside me. And yet, it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Blinking back the heat burning behind my eyes, I lower the phone to my lap and glance over at Jake. Shoulders bunched, he has one hand on the steering wheel, the other a fist as it rests on his leg. His brow is furrowed, filled with worry, the same way it is whenever he looks at me lately.

I wish I could fix this.

Fix us.

But I need to somehow fix me first.

Jake must sense my eyes on him, because he glances in my direction, but doesn’t say a word.

Within seconds, we’re pulling into Cam and Lucy’s driveway, the trees surrounding it so familiar, and yet… it’s instant… this sudden ache in my chest that’s impossible to ignore. Memories flash through my mind, one after the other, and I close my eyes, try to force them away. The first time I came here was in a limo with a bunch of strangers. It was the night of senior prom. Earlier, I’d been out to dinner with my friends, and I’d caught my boyfriend and best friend together. I fell apart outside the restroom where they’d just had sex, and Jake… Jake was there to pick up the pieces.

I spent the night at his prom, with his friends, and then we came back here , to this cabin, where I spent hours around a campfire by the private lake, getting to know the people who would later become my friends.

I was so carefree then, so clueless . I had no idea of the tragedy that awaited me.

That night was the first time Jake and I ever met, and it was the beginning of our story. But it was also the end of a huge part of mine. Hours later, when that same limo brought me home, my life… my entire world collapsed and turned into literal ash.

I grab Jake’s hand, trying hard not to squeeze too tight. I need his touch now as much as I needed it then, and maybe… maybe that’s the source of all my problems. I’ve always needed him.

“You okay?” he asks, bringing my hand closer to his chest.

“Yeah,” I lie. “I’m fine.”

We pull up to the cabin, my hand still enveloped in his. He doesn’t cut the engine right away. Instead, he looks at me, directly into my eyes, and forces a smile when he says, “We don’t have to stay too long. We can leave whenever you want.”

“I’m okay,” I say again and force myself to smile back.

He lifts my hand to his mouth, drops a kiss on the inside of my wrist… then quickly all the way up my arm—these open- mouth, sloppy kisses that leave marks along my sweater. He goes all the way to my neck, repeating the action there. I squirm in response, but he has a hold on my arm, keeping me in place, and I laugh— loud and unabashed—the sound foreign, even to my own ears.

He pulls back, grinning, as if he’s just won a prize, and in a way, he has. The coldness in my chest is replaced with warmth, with love for the man sitting beside me. I reach up, my palm on his neck, fingertips stroking the light curls at his nape. And then I kiss him. The way my heart has wanted to, but my mind could not. He rests his head on my shoulder, a single sigh leaving him. Right before he chuckles.

“What?” I ask, staying close, even when he pulls away.

Shaking his head, his words say, “Nothing,” but his eyes… his eyes say I missed you .

I missed me, too , I want to tell him, and I’m grateful he was able to get a part of me back, even if it’s small, and even if it’s only for now.

Jake looks around, his chest rising with his deep inhale. “Hey, if Cam and Luce haven’t come out to greet us yet, then that means?—”

“Mayhem,” I cut in.

He ducks his head, eyes narrowed as he scopes out our surroundings. “They’re probably watching us from somewhere we can’t see.”

“So we have two options,” I tell him. “We give them a show, or we get out and take it.”

He turns to me, a slight smirk tugging on his lips. “We’ll have to get out eventually, but tell me more about this show you speak of.”

I sit up on my knees, removing the hair tie from around my wrist. Jake’s eyebrows shoot up, knowing exactly what I’m suggesting. He watches as I tie up my hair, then turn my entire body toward him. Jake grins from ear to ear, and I pause a second, questioning. “Just to be clear…”

“I know, I know. It’s just for show,” he responds, flicking on the cab light, then pressing a button on the side of his seat until it’s fully reclined.

Without hesitation, I lower my face to his lap and start bobbing up and down.

“Mmm,” he hums.

“You know they can’t hear you, right?” I say through a giggle.

“I know, it’s just you in this position…” He grabs me by the ponytail, guiding me up and down, and I can see the bulge in his jeans growing with each passing second. Then he chuckles. “What the fuck are we doing?”

We lose it. Completely. We laugh together, the silent type of laughter that comes from deep in our chests and has us struggling for air.

“Don’t fucking stop,” he wheezes out, gripping my hair tighter so he can control my movements, my pace. I picture what we must look like from the outside, and it only makes me laugh harder. “Move your head up more,” he tells me. “Make it look like I have a huge one.”

I do as he says, inching farther away with each bob. And then I take it one step further, throw in an insane amount of theatrics as I go all the way up until my head hits the roof of the car.

“Okay, now you’re just being ridiculous,” he laughs, playfully pushing me away, then pulling me back just as fast. For a long moment, he just holds me, my head to his chest, his hand stroking my hair as we let our laughter subside.

It’s been a long time since we’ve connected like this, and I realize now, as I listen to his pulse, his life, beat beneath my cheek… maybe it was never the stillness of the Preston property that brought me a sense of peace, of calm.

Maybe it was Jake all along.