Chapter 12

12

Mikayla

“Wait.” Lucy picks herself up off the floor. “How do you know it’s yours?”

I inspect the ring closer, just to be sure. “Because I’ve seen it before.”

“When?” Amanda asks.

“When I’ve proposed before,” Jake answers for me, resting his shoulder against a wall. His eyes are downcast, refusing to look at me.

“And you said no?” Riley asks.

I don’t respond, so again, Jake does it for me. “Twice.”

The girls gasp, but the boys… the boys don’t seem at all surprised by the news.

“It was only once ,” I retort, and it’s ridiculous to get into the semantics of things, especially now, but the pressure of everyone’s eyes on me feels like a weight pressing down on my chest.

The girls start with the questions, all of them, all at once, and as if planned, their boys cover their mouths, shrouding the room in silence again. My shame and insecurities have prevented me from telling anyone about the proposal, but I understand why Jake needed to talk to someone about it. Or multiple someones based on the guys’ reactions. They know, and they kept it from their girls for what? To protect Jake? To protect me ? I turn to Jake and speak to him, and only him. “You asked me if I wanted to when we were in college, and I said not yet . That’s not a proposal.”

“Fair,” Jake responds, pushing off the wall to stand taller. “But I waited years to propose, and you said the same thing. I don’t live in your head, Kayla. I don’t know when the right time is, but we’ve been together for ten years now, and we’re exactly where we started.” There’s no bite in his words. No fight. Just facts.

I look around the room at our friends, all of them waiting for answers, and I don’t want to be having this conversation. Not now. Not with an audience.

Roman covers Heidi’s mouth, and she’s quick to pull down on his arm. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” she tells him.

He shrugs. “I just wanted to fit in.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lucy asks, the hurt in her voice unmistakable. Tears form in her eyes that bring on my own, and I wish the world would swallow me whole. I’m aware how amazing my friends are, how they would swoop in at the drop of a hat to be there for me, but if I can’t reveal my feelings to Jake, then how am I supposed to do it with them? And believe me, I know how this looks from the outside—like I’m purposely keeping secrets from the people who care about me the most. Or like I’m not committed to Jake as much as he is to me. But that’s not what this is. It’s not even close. “You guys…” I cry, a single tear losing its battle to hold strong. “It’s not that I don’t want to marry Jake, It’s…” How do I even begin to explain the emotions I’ve been drowning in for far too long?

Heidi’s tone is understanding, not judgmental, when she asks, “It’s what?”

I wipe at my tears, focusing on everyone’s eyes on mine, then slowly turn to Jake. His stare is empty, void of the emotion he’s been carrying lately. I know, deep in my heart, in my gut, if I don’t open up soon, I’ll lose him. And that, to me, is a fate far worse than death. I approach him, sniffing back my heartbreak. “Can we talk?” I ask, motioning to the door. “Outside maybe?”

“Great idea! Give us one minute.” Amanda chimes in.

I shake my head. “I meant just me and Jake.”

“I know.” She holds up a finger. “One minute. Maybe two.”

Confused, I stand by Jake as our friends huddle together, their heads bowed to the middle, whispering words too quiet to hear. After a moment, Amanda yells, “Ready?”

The rest of the gang clap once and shout, “Break!”

And then they’re off, rushing in all different directions, gathering… supplies, I guess? I don’t really know, and honestly, I’m too deep in my own head to try to figure it out.

Dylan stands by us, his stance wide, arms crossed. “I’m supposed to be making sure you don’t move.”

I hadn’t planned to.

Once the commotion ends, Amanda enters the living room and takes my hand in hers. “It’s ready.”

“What’s ready?”

She doesn’t answer, just hands me and Jake our coats and waits patiently for us to slip them on. Then she leads us out to the front porch, where everyone else is waiting. In the space of a few minutes, they’ve gathered Katie’s mattress and placed it on the porch, along with some blankets, a portable heater, food, wine and even hot chocolate.

“You have no excuses now,” Amanda tells us. “So take your time.”

I face her. “You’re a therapist twenty-four-seven, huh?”

She shrugs, smiling proudly. “Can’t help it.”

“Try living with her,” Logan mumbles, and the glare Amanda throws his way is enough to set the entire cabin ablaze. Logan grins from ear to ear, switching his tone. “It’s the best!”

“Get your ass inside,” Amanda orders.

“Yes, ma’am.”

They all file back into the house, one by one, leaving me and Jake alone. I turn to him, try to offer a smile, but surely fail. There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to him, and it’s not as if I haven’t tried before. I have. But it’s so hard to put myself back in the moments and memories that have made me like this.

He sits on the mattress, his back against the cabin siding, and picks up a hot chocolate. “Come on,” he says, motioning for me to sit beside him.

I do as he asks, grabbing the blankets and carefully placing them over our laps. He hands me the warm drink, then grabs his own. For a long moment, we do nothing but sip and stare out at the darkness in front of us, and I find myself in the same predicament I always do whenever these quiet moments fall between us—so much I want to say, but I don’t know where to start. I decide to start with tonight and hopefully work my way back. After clearing my throat, I ask, “You were going to propose to me tonight?”

Jake practically downs his hot chocolate, putting the mug aside before answering, “No.”

I lift the ring up between us. “Then why is this here?”

“Because I’ve been carrying it with me everywhere since the last time I asked you.”

I turn to him. Not just my head, but my entire body.

“I figured it would just happen, you know? Like, I’d know the right moment… the right time and place to ask again.” He says all this while keeping his eyes forward, never once looking at me.

Voice as weak as my heart, I whisper, “Jake…”

“I gave it to Logan tonight because…” He laughs once, not from humor, but more disbelief. “I guess the athlete’s superstition kicked in. I thought maybe the ring was the reason that moment hadn’t happened yet. Or…” he trails off.

“Or what?” I push.

“I don’t know. Maybe that ring is the reason I feel you pulling away. And it’s only gotten worse since we moved to St. Louis.” He turns to me, those deep blue eyes I fell so in love with now filled with nothing but questions. “I keep trying to pinpoint the exact moment things changed. We moved there and everything was great, and then halfway through the season, you just… I don’t know…”

I do.

“Did something happen, Kayla?”

I try to pull away, my go-to move it seems, but he’s quick to grab my arm.

“What happened?” he urges.

“It’s nothing, Jake. It’s so dumb.” I roll my eyes at myself, ignoring the heat burning behind them. “And so pathetic.” And the reason I could never find the courage to tell him.

“Tell me, anyway,” he asks. “ Please .”

My vision blurs, caused by my tears, and my breaths falter. Jake pulls me in closer, lifting my legs and dragging them over his so we’re as close as we can be.

Even as I prepare the words in my mind, I realize how ridiculous it will sound. “You know how I used to sit in the suite with all the other wives and girlfriends?”

His eyes search mine, as if trying to find the end of the story within them. “Yeah?”

I drop my gaze. My voice, too. “I was running late one day, and I came in when everyone was already there, and I overheard them talking about me.”

“What the fuck did they say?” Jake spits, the harshness in his tone palpable.

“Nothing bad ,” I try to assure, because I don’t want him to think he’s at fault. He’s not. But to this day, I can still remember the things that were said, and more importantly, the way in which they said them.

“He took her in when her entire family was murdered and her house was set on fire.”

“They were strangers. They literally met the night it happened.”

“She’s been living with him ever since.”

“She doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything.”

“She’s earned nothing for herself.”

“She’s been leeching off him since they were eighteen.”

“Freeloader.”

“Gold digger.”

“The poor guy. He couldn’t leave her, even if he wanted to.”

Whenever someone asks how Jake and I met, I tell them about the dinner before senior prom, the dance, and Lucy’s cabin afterward. I leave out what happened next because reliving it brings on too much pain. Too much anguish. I don’t expect Jake to feel the same, so how he tells people is up to him. And how people interpret that is on them.

After listening to my life being torn to pieces, to my pride being ripped apart, I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. Then one of them turned and saw me, and then the others did, too. They were surprised to see me, but they weren’t sorry. Even now, not a single one of them has apologized.

I don’t know if they said anything else after they realized I was there. I just remember how it felt . Like the life I’d built and the world I’d created meant nothing, and as I stood there, I felt it all crash down around me.

I’ve never thought of myself as a weak person, or even insecure, but I felt it then, and I’ve been feeling it ever since.

I finally walked away, furious at myself for not speaking up. For not standing up for myself. I knew that if I was with my girls, Lucy would have cursed them all to hell. Amanda would’ve slapped at least two of them, and Heidi—Heidi would’ve really gotten to them by calling out their fake designer bags. But… I was alone. And I never felt it more than I did then. I didn’t cry at that moment, but I do whenever I think back on it.

“I think it’s part of the reason I come back here so much,” I tell Jake after explaining that day to him. “I think I wanted to be closer to my friends, but then the insecurities kick in, and I think… what if they see me the same way? I know it’s not true, but I can’t help but wonder. And the more time that passes, the more I’ve started seeing myself and my life through the eyes of those women.”

Jake hasn’t spoken once since I started talking, but I know he’s listening to every word, every piece of my heartache.

“It’s embarrassing,” I finally admit. “I’m close to thirty, and I have nothing to show for it besides you. Those girls were right. I’ve barely worked a day in my life, and I’ve not earned anything for myself.”

Jake finally speaks up. “You’ve been supporting me and my dreams.”

“That’s not how other people see it.”

“Who fucking cares what other people think?”

“I do, apparently.”

“Babe…” He forces me to look at him, right into his eyes. The questions still linger there, but most of all, I find strength in his stare, courage in the way he embraces me. Ten years on, and it feels the same as it did the first time he held me like this—when I stood outside my childhood home and watched it all disintegrate. “Firstly, your reaction to what they said isn’t dumb or pathetic. They are. They don’t know your strength or the will it takes to overcome what you have. Fuck them. They’re wrong. And they know it, too, because none of my teammates have told me about this, which means their partners didn’t tell them, and you know why? Because they’re fucking ashamed of themselves, as they should be. But that shame is theirs to carry, Kayla. It’s not yours. And if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, then I will.”

I blink away the tears that fade with each of his words. “The rest of your life, huh?”

He tenses momentarily, already knowing where I’m going with this.

“Even if we’re not married?”

Jake sighs, long and almost silent. “You know I love you, right?”

I nod, positive. “You prove it every day.”

“And I know you love me,” he says.

“Our love is the only thing in this world I’m sure of.”

“So… you just don’t want to get married at all? Is that it?”

It’s the first time he’s asked so directly, and also the first time I’ve felt comfortable enough to answer in truth. Every heartbreaking ounce of it. I lean closer into him, rest my head on his shoulder. “Do you remember Cam and Lucy’s wedding?”

Jake sucks in a breath, releases it slowly. “It goes that far back?”

I nod. “When Lucy was getting ready to throw her bouquet, Amanda and I exchanged some fighting words. We were so ready to tackle each other for it. But then when it came time, I ran away…” I pause a breath, trying to form words that bring sense to my thoughts. “I feel like I’ve been doing that ever since… running away . I didn’t understand it then—why I was so afraid of the prospect of a wedding, and when you brought it up the first time, I opened my mouth to say yes, but then… then this image flashed in my mind of our wedding day.” A knot forms in my throat, but I manage to push through. “My mom and sister were there helping me get ready, and my dad… he was so excited to walk me down the aisle.” I release a sob, along with my tears, and I look up at the man who’s always there to wipe them away, just like he does now. “The thing is… they were the versions of themselves that I last knew, that I last touched and held, and I’ve aged since then, but they… they haven’t. They’re stuck in time, and they’re never going to grow with me, and in my head and in my heart, my sister’s still eight years old. She’d be nineteen now, off at college, and I know it’s not my fault—what happened to them, but…” My heartache is too much, too overwhelming, too painful. “Who’s going to walk me down the aisle, Jake?” I cry. “Or go dress shopping with me? Or…” I trail off, no longer able to speak through my sobs.

Jake’s pain for me gets the better of him, too. He holds me to him, sniffing back his emotions as he strokes my hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, dropping a kiss on my forehead. “I should’ve picked up on your feelings.”

“No.” I shake my head, peer up at him through glassy eyes. “I should have told you. It just…”

“It’s hurts too much?”

I nod.

He kisses me again, his lips warm against my temple.

For a long moment, we stay that way, his mouth pressed to my skin, his love forever etched in my heart. Eventually, he pulls away, his eyes right on mine when he says, “Kayla…” It’s just my name. He’s said it a million times before. But this time, it holds a myriad of meanings. “I have everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, and I could lose almost all of it tomorrow and still be happy. As long as I have you, my friends, and my family, that’s all I need . But what I want is for you to be my wife .”

“Jake…”

“When I’ve proposed to you before, I wasn’t asking for a wedding .” He takes the ring I’m still grasping on to and slides it on the correct finger. No question on his end. No rejection on mine. “I’m asking you to marry me .”

I find myself smiling as I look down at the ring on my finger, feeling whole for the first time in what seems like forever, and that smile only widens when I look up at my future husband. “Come on,” I say, grabbing his hand and getting to my feet.

Like the “proposal” that just occurred, Jake doesn’t ask questions.

I open the cabin door, only to be met with the silence of an empty living room. “Hello?” I call out.

“We’re in here!” Lucy responds from somewhere down the hall.

Still holding Jake’s hand, our fingers entwined, I check Cam and Lucy’s bedroom first. Empty. Then I check Katie’s. All eight of our friends are huddled in the tiny room, a white noise machine blasting from the corner. They all look up, eyes wide, expectant.

“What are you guys doing?” I ask.

Amanda answers, “We didn’t want to accidentally overhear anything, so…”

“She’s wearing the ring!” Logan announces, his grin from ear to ear. His excitement sparks the rest of them and also sparks something deep inside me.

I hold up my hand, show off the symbol of Jake’s eternal love for me. “Who’s in the mood for a wedding?”

Lucy squeals.

Everyone moves, ready to congratulate us. “Oh, my god,” Amanda sings, taking my ring-adorned hand in hers. “We have so much planning to do!”

“And you have about an hour to do it.”

Everyone freezes, all attention on me.

“ What ?” Heidi asks.

“We’re getting married. Right now.”

“ Now ?” Jake asks.

I look up at him, biting my lip, unsure. Truth is, the moment his earlier words fell from his lips and into my heart, and the ring was on my finger, everything felt so, so right. I didn’t want to wait a second longer, but maybe… “You said…”

His smile grows with every second of our stare until it forms completely. And then I’m in his arms—an embrace so strong it knocks the air out of me. “Let’s get married.”

The celebratory shouts last all of a second before Amanda yells, “Dylan!”

Silence.

“Lucy, you help me set up,” she orders. “We’ll do it out on the dock.”

“The dock is freezing,” Lucy mutters.

“We have coats!” Amanda yells, and I giggle into Jake’s arm as I hold it to my chest.

“Okay, Amanda the Demander,” Lucy replies, holding her hands up and side-eying our friend. “Jeez.”

“And besides, we need an aisle at least,” Amanda says, calming her tone and offering a weak, somewhat apologetic smile. “And it’ll take ten minutes. Anyone can do anything for ten minutes!”

Logan pipes up. “I’ll remember that next time you’re sucking my di—” He doesn’t have time to finish before Dylan has him in a chokehold from behind while covering his mouth.

“Shhh,” Dylan whispers in his ear as Logan pretends to go limp in his arms. Dylan drags him out of the room, saying, “That’s it. Relax and it’ll be over soon.” Dylan waits until he’s in the hallway to drop Logan like a bag of rocks, and Logan lands to the floor with a dull thud. He doesn’t move from there. Doesn’t even open his eyes.

“I’ll be right back,” Amanda rushes out. None of us speak; we merely wait, eying each other. She returns seconds later with one of Cameron’s suits and slams it against Jake’s chest. “You can’t get married smelling like fish.” She turns to Lucy. “I accidentally knocked over your box of sex toys. Sorry.” Then she points to Heidi, smiling. “You! Help her look like a bride!”

Heidi nods once. “On it, boss.”

“Cam, Dylan, you’re in charge of the cake!”

“What about me?” Logan asks, still playing dead in the hallway.

“You… get a speech ready. You’ll officiate the wedding!”

Lucy hiccups, and Amanda glares at her, then everyone else. “Why are you all still standing around?” She shoos us away with her hands. “Go, go, go!”