21

Cash

“Lyric’s gonna freak when she finds out you bought me the whole series.” Elyse buzzes with excitement in the passenger seat, flipping through the pages of the newest popular YA fantasy series. “She’s only read books one so far.”

“Will you let her borrow yours when you’re done with it?” I flick the blinker on and wait for passing traffic before turning into my neighborhood.

“Of course; I’m not stingy.” She slaps the book closed and stuffs it back into the plastic bag. “So what’s for dinner?”

“Your favorite,” I respond automatically. My palms begin to sweat when she continues to stare at me. I’ve done good so far keeping things under wraps. Can’t break now.

“So…lasagna, then?”

“Yep.” That’s a total lie. If I remember correctly, Britta said she was having the party catered. Pretty sure it’s going to be a taco bar.

“Good, because I’m starving.” She sits back in the seat and stares out the window.

A swell of relief hits me as we near the house and no cars come into view. Everyone was told to park down at A.J.’s and walk to the party, but it seems like there’s always those few who don’t listen. Most of her friends probably had their parents drop them off, though.

Just as I pull into my drive and park, she turns to me. “Could you take me for a ride on your motorcycle later?”

I smile. “Of course. But you’d better remind me.” I hop out of my truck and get her door like usual, then let her go ahead of me into the house. Anticipation crawls up my spine as I flip my phone’s camera on to catch her reaction. When she pushes open the door, family and friends yelling surprise greets us.

Her shocked expression is priceless. I pan from her to the waiting crowd, trying to squeeze everyone in. “You liar!” she squeals, slapping me on the arm.

“Surprise, kid.”

She launches into my arms, and I give her a tight squeeze before releasing her. For the first time since we arrived, I’m able to fully take in the state of my house. It’s a total nineties throwback, complete with colorful lights reflecting off the disco ball, a blacklight background, and neon posters. Nineties pop pumps through my sound system, and all Elyse’s friends look decked out for the occasion.

I scan the small crowd of people and see A.J., Liss, and Lyric by the food table. Making my way over, I can’t help but search for another person. There, appearing deep in conversation with Vivian, is Britta. She’s stunning in her flared-out jeans and tank top. My entire body wants to gravitate toward her, but I stop myself.

She doesn’t want you , I remind myself . She’s not here in your house looking perfect and happy, for you.

Staying my course, I reach A.J.’s side. “Thanks for coming,” I say just before giving him a one-armed, back slapping hug.

“We wouldn’t miss it.”

I repeat the welcoming gesture with Liss, unsettled when her bump hits my stomach. “Britta did amazing , didn’t she?” Her voice holds the same hint of awe that I feel.

“She really did.” As if I have zero control over where my eyes go, they find Britta instantly. She laughs at something Viv says a moment before her gaze locks with mine. It holds for a silent second. All my previous thoughts and breaths scatter at once, further confirming my stupidity. I never should’ve allowed myself to get so hung up on her.

Small hands wrap around my waist, plucking me out of my self-loathing. “Did you forget about me?”

I smile down at Lyric and rustle her sandy hair. “How could I ever forget the prettiest girl in the room?”

“That’s not me,” she says around a toothy grin. “That’s the birthday girl.” As if Lyric summoned her, Elyse bounds over to our small group.

“Thank you guys for coming!” She gives Liss and A.J. quick hugs before grabbing Lyric’s hand. “Come on, I want you to meet some of my friends.” The two girls sweep across the room like old friends instead of recent acquaintances.

“That’s adorable.” Liss’s warbly voice garners both mine and A.J.’s attention. Her eyes seem to mist over. “She’s so sweet to Lyric, even though she’s younger.”

“Only by three years,” I say.

Her gaze lifts to A.J.’s as her mouth tilts into a wobbly smile. “Yeah, I guess they’re not that far apart in age.”

“They seem to have a lot in common.” A.J. wraps an arm around Liss from behind and kisses the top of her head when she leans into him. Longing stirs in my chest, enough to make me look away.

Since knowing Britta, my entire world seems to have shifted. I no longer cringe at signs of affection but crave them for myself. My aversion to women has all but vanished thanks to a pair of hazel eyes that flicker between annoyance and attraction every time they’re aimed at me.

“You okay?” I turn at A.J.’s question. Liss has left his side, and it’s just the two of us in the corner of the room. I wonder how long I’ve been staring at nothing, wishing things could be different. Music and laughter drown out the conversations from the teenagers surrounding us, giving me the courage to speak without fear of being overheard.

“I did what you asked,” I say, feeling the way my mouth turns down in defeat. Maybe I should amend my statement to I did what you asked and failed.

“What are you talking about?” A.J. leans closer, blond brows pulled low over his eyes.

My gaze darts to where I last saw Britta, but she’s gone. “I asked Britta out.”

My friend’s entire face lights up as he clamps a hand down on my shoulder. “No way. I thought for sure you’d chicken out.”

“Gee. Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

His smirk lifts at my toneless voice. “You must really want that online dating profile to go away.”

Tapping my fingers against my thigh, pounding out a nervous rhythm, I wince. “I’m not so sure I should.”

He rears back like I shoved him. “What? I thought you just said you asked Britta out.”

“I did,” I reiterate. “And after she gave me the most horrified look ever, she ran.”

A.J. mutters a curse and swipes a hand down his face. “Man, I’m sorry. That’s…That sucks.”

I nod, once again scanning the room for her. “Just read the situation wrong, I guess. As usual.”

A.J. shakes his head and shifts closer. “That’s the thing, though. I don’t think you did. I’ve seen the way she stares at you when we’re all together.”

“Look, man.” I hold up a hand to stop him from giving me any paltry reassurances or motivational speeches. “I was right before. She’s not into me. There’s something about me she can’t stand, and honestly, I’m tired of trying to figure out what it is.”

A.J. opens his mouth like he’s about to say something else, but I continue before he can. There’s nothing he could say that could change my mind.

“You know how I feel about chasing after a woman. It’s not my style.” After a brief pause, I let the bitter truth roll off my tongue with all the pain of the past attached to it. “I won’t be my dad.”

My usual upbeat friend slams his mouth closed.

“Um.” A feminine throat clears behind us. I turn, my blood freezing like shards of ice in my veins. Britta’s expression is full of sympathy and pity, so much so that I want to scream at the unfairness of my current situation. “I was just coming to tell you guys that you can go ahead and make your plates before the food gets cold.” She offers us a small sympathetic smile. “Taco bar is officially open.”

Instead of acknowledging her offer or even attempting to form a coherent response, I shove past her toward my bedroom, only stopping once the door is shut and locked.

***

After lying on my bed with an arm slung over my eyes for who knows how long, a knock sounds at my bedroom door.

“Cash?” Jules. “Are you okay in there?”

“Fine.” I realize my muffled response probably can’t be heard over the din of conversation and music flowing from the main part of the house, so I ease off my bed and open the door. “I’m fine.”

Jules appraises me with raised brows, holding up a plate of tacos like an offering. “I brought snacks.”

It’s impossible not to smile at her attempt to lighten the moment. Whenever either of us had a bad day at school and would shut ourselves up in our bedroom, the other would try to make things better with snacks. We’d taken Aunt Betty’s motto of snack all day to keep the grumpies away to heart.

“Come on in.”

Jules shuffles past me and plops down on my bed without a second’s hesitation, sweeping her right leg under her as she does. “Sit. Eat these with me.”

I join her and swipe a taco from the plate. As soon as I bring the savory meat encased in a hard, crispy shell to my lips, my mouth waters. We eat in silence for long enough that it becomes awkward. Finally, she speaks, breaking the tension.

“So why are you hiding out in your room?”

I take a deep breath and release it in a sigh. “I’m not hiding.”

Her stare bores into the side of my head.

“Fine,” I concede. “I’m hiding. But I’d rather not discuss why.”

“And why not? I’m your older sister.”

“Exactly,” I mutter and swipe the residual crumbs off my hands.

“Cash, something is up with you and I’m not leaving until you tell me what it is.” She sets the plate aside and squeezes my arm. “Please. Let me be there for you like you’re always there for me.”

Her words slice through the last of my resolve. “It’s Britta.” Her name crumples on my tongue like dead leaves swept away by an autumn breeze. I swallow and force the bitter tang away.

“I’m…I don’t know.” I stare at my hands and try to find the right words. “I’m pretty much crazy about her. And she wants nothing to do with me. Well,” I amend with a humorless laugh, “most of the time, anyway. Other times…I know there’s an attraction between us; I can feel it. But it’s like she keeps suppressing it. Willing it away.”

“Is she in already in a relationship?”

I wince. “Not really?”

“Cash.” Jules smacks me in the arm. “What does that mean?”

I swipe my hands down my face with a groan. “It means she’s not officially with anyone. She does, however, sometimes go out with a guy named Todd.”

“That guy from the wedding?” Even Jules’s face scrunches up at the mention of him.

“That’s the one.”

My sister hums in silent thought as she looks me over. “Did you do something to screw it up between you guys?” At my scolding glare, she amends, “Not that you would. I’m just saying, it’s been a while since you dated. You might be a little rusty.”

I shake my head, a feeling of helplessness settling over me. “I have no idea. I’ve asked her about it, but she evades answering the question every time. I’ve tried showing her that I’m someone she can trust, and it’s never enough.”

“Is that why you offered to help her while she’s been laid up?”

“I didn’t do it to prove that I’m a good guy,” I say. “I offered because I want to be with her.” I shake my head again. “I know that sounds dumb. Because I refuse to be like Dad, but—”

“Whoa, stop.” Jules presses a hand to my chest before pulling back. “What do you mean, you refuse to be like Dad?”

Holding her gaze, I tell her the truth. “I won’t chase after someone who doesn’t feel about me the way I feel about her. Dad did that. Our whole lives, he went after Mom, waited helplessly for Mom to get her act together, only to have his heart ripped to shreds when she finally succumbed to her addiction.”

Jules’s expression softens a fraction as I press on.

“I already made a fool of myself with Meredith. I missed the signs that she had moved on, ignored every single red flag that she was waving right in front of my face until she couldn’t hide her deception any longer. It’s stupid to wait around for Britta to get on the same page as me. I asked her out, she said no, and that’s that. I’m moving on.”

Jules gives me a slight nod. “But it hurts to continue seeing her.”

“Yeah.” I release another strained breath. “And it’s not like I can cut her out of my life. We’re Ace’s godparents. And even if we weren’t, I’m A.J.’s best friend. She’s Liss’s. There’s no avoiding each other.”

Even without looking my sister in the eye, I feel the weight of her gaze as she crosses her arms. “I know I don’t need to remind you of how John and I got together, but do you remember how rudely I told him no when he first asked me out?”

I meet her eyes, unamused. “Sis, we’re not you and John. This isn’t college.”

“I know that. But Cash, sometimes patience and persistence pay off.”

A sputtering laugh leaves me in a rushed breath. “Seriously, Jules? This isn’t a sport you can coach me through. It’s hopeless.”

Her eyes spark with barely contained rage. “I am dead serious, and as your older sister, I expect you to listen without being a smart-alecky butthead.” I shut my mouth and give her the space to speak. “I’m not trying to pump you up or give you false hope, Cash. I’m telling you that what I needed from John when I first arrived at school wasn’t for him to pursue me. I needed him to just be present. To befriend me. To study with me. To help and encourage me when I failed an exam. I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time because of having my heart broken by Rick—”

“I thought we agreed never to utter his name again,” I interject.

“Fine, okay. But you know what I mean. Because I had my heart broken in high school, I wasn’t sure I could trust another guy. That might be where Britta’s at. And maybe Todd is safe for her. She knows he’s not going to break her heart. But you…you’re a risk.”

I tap my fingers against my leg as my nervousness skyrockets. “I’m not, though.”

Jules nudges my chin with her knuckle, offering me a small, encouraging smile. “You are, Cash. If she feels for you even half of what I felt for John at the time, she knows that giving in to what’s between you two could ruin her forever. It’s a tough leap to take when you already know how hard the fall will be.”

Jules’s words hit me like a bag of bricks to the chest. “So what are you saying? That I just need to…be here?”

She shrugs. “Maybe. It wouldn’t hurt.” Resting her hand on my arm, she adds, “Just be you around her—the kind, compassionate, fun person you are. Don’t hold her rejection against her. Be the friend she needs. And when—if—the time is right for her to take that leap toward you, be ready to catch her.”

***

I can’t say that I believe everything Jules said, but at least I’m able to walk back into the party with a better understanding of what Britta might be thinking. I’m still not sure if waiting for her to return my feelings is wise. But I can be myself around her. I can do my best to forget that she’s not interested in me romantically and forge a meaningful friendship with her instead.

I mean, if I can shove my feelings aside, we’re halfway there already.

With a plate full of nachos, I join my circle of friends hanging out in the kitchen. Most of the teens in attendance are either playing or watching the different games taking place in the center of the living room, so the adults have migrated here where it’s quieter.

Training my eyes away from Britta, I sidle between Jules and A.J. “So anyway, I think we’re getting somewhere,” A.J. says. “It’s just taking longer than we’d hoped.” He turns to me. “Right?”

Clueless, I ask, “What are we talking about?”

“The teens at the skatepark. I think we’re growing on them.”

Picking up a cheese covered chip off my plate, I shrug one shoulder. “I’d like to think so, but Kai still glares at me like I didn’t just dedicate hours of my week to helping him perfect his olly. Pretty sure he despises me.”

“Aw, come on. You’re impossible not to like,” Jules says, bumping my elbow with a wink.

“You’re my sister. You have to say that.”

“It’s true,” Britta says, shocking me by her simple statement. “Just give Kai time. I’m sure he’ll come around.”

A silent conversation passes between our locked eyes. A weightiness that can’t be ignored. It’s probably wishful thinking on my part, but it feels like she’s asking me to wait for her to come around.

“I’ll try to be patient,” I say quietly.

A single dip of her chin is her only response before A.J. pipes in again about the program. “You know, I was thinking,” he says, facing me. “What if we hosted something similar at the training facility?”

“Like a youth camp?”

“Yeah. We could ask the nonprofit I work with if they’d like to expand. I’m sure Mr. Warnerson would be all about it.”

A milder sense of shock ripples through me. “I was hoping you’d be interested in something like that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I think it’s a great way to connect our athletes with kids who could really benefit from their guidance. We could even host some courses geared toward certain sports like boarding, skating” –I lift my eyes to Britta’s—“maybe even dancing.”

Her brows pull together. There’s no mistaking the way she’s trying to process my insinuation.

“I think that sounds promising,” Liss adds. “A.J., you should totally do it.”

He smiles and dips his chin before addressing me. “Let’s meet this week and go over the details.”

Satisfaction rolls through me at my friend’s encouragement, and for the first time tonight, I’m hopeful about what’s to come.