25. Gavin

TWENTY-FIVE

“I hear there’s a new baby.”Liv’s friend Dylan appears in the entryway, her curly red hair a mess on top of her head, a dark glob of something on her shoulder, and a bright smile on her face.

“Yes, we’re trying to figure out how old she is,” Beckett says.

As Dylan steps closer, I get a whiff of the substance on her shoulder. Chocolate. She smells like cupcakes. My mouth waters at the thought. I never did end up eating dinner.

“May I?” she asks, holding out her hands and smiling at Vivi.

I nod and hand her over.

She hums and holds Vivi close, studying her. “Oh, she’s six months old. First week of October. If I had to give a specific date, I’d say the sixth.”

I smile, strangely feeling better about this already. “Thank you, Dylan.”

Liv scowls and steps up beside her. “How the hell do you know that?”

“She’s a Libra,” Dylan says, grasping the pendant she always wears and sliding it along its chain. “It’s her energy. Very calm and balanced. Aren’t you, pretty girl? Not like those Aquarius twins of yours, Becks.”

My brother growls and squeezes his daughters a little tighter. “My girls are perfect.”

“Of course they are,” Dylan assures him, her smile serene. “But they’re going to be a handful, and Vivi won’t be.”

I grin at Beckett. “I got the better one.”

“This isn’t like crayons, Gavin.”

“Right, but if it was, you’d totally want to steal mine, because I got the best one.”

Liv laughs. “Oh, lord help us. How in God’s name did they give you a baby?”

I snort. “I really have no idea. So if she’s born in October, that makes conception…?” I trail off and look from Liv to Dylan.

Liv sighs and presses the heel of her hand to her forehead. “Nine months earlier, Gavin.”

“Why are you looking at my brother like he’s an idiot?” Beckett huffs. “You were only pregnant for like seven months.”

“Felt like a century,” Liv mutters.

They’re all talking, and I’m over here doing math. “So February of last year,” I say.

Dylan’s golden eyes warm as she studies me. “Possibly late January.”

“So you know who the mom is now?” Beckett peers at me.

I scratch at my face and let out a low hum. “Nope, not a clue.” It’s not a lie. I have no fucking clue who Vivi’s mother is because now that we’ve got a timeline, I know without a doubt I’m not the father. Before I hooked up with Millie at Ford’s wedding, I may have been a scoundrel.

But since then?

Since I met Millie, I haven’t so much as thought about another woman, let alone touched one. There was a fuzzy night or two the year Millie and I didn’t speak, but I’d bet my fortune nothing happened on those nights either. And even if they did, they were during the late summer, before hockey season started.

Which means Vivi isn’t mine.

Yet I’m all she has. It’s a two-way street, though, because she’s all I have as well. Instinctively, I pluck Vivi out of Dylan’s hold and settle her in the crook of my arm, rocking her. I’m pretty sure the movement is more of a comfort to me than her.

Her big brown eyes settle on me, and my heart is done for.

This little girl may not be mine, but there is no fucking way I’ll be telling any of them that.

Mind made up, I move onto the next issue facing us. “So, what am I supposed to do with her?”

Dylan is watching my little girl with hearts in her eyes and her hands clutched to her chest.

Immediately, an idea forms in my head. “You can take care of her.” Yes, this will be perfect. Dylan helped raise all her friends’ children when they lived together, and she runs a daycare at Langfield Corp. This will be perfect.

She doesn’t take her eyes off Vivi as she replies. “Um no.”

“What?”

Even as she continues to deny me, she does it with a big, bright smile on her face. “No. I’ll help you get set up tonight, and I can pop over tomorrow to check in too, but you’re this little one’s daddy. Taking care of her is your job.” She peers over her shoulder. “It’s best to learn on the go, right, Becks?”

My brother smiles down at his girls. “Yeah, if this was a crayon box, I’d definitely be the blue one.”

Liv snorts. “What does that even mean?”

“We always fought over the blue crayon,” I grumble. “Ya know, Langfield blue.”

Dylan giggles. “They’re so spoiled they thought their family owned the color. That’s adorable. We’re not going to let you grow up like that, right, Vivi? You’ll be smarter than these fools.”

My girl smiles up at Dylan, her dark eyes depthless and her cheeks pink. That one look makes me fucking melt. Damn. My chest aches with an emotion I’ve only ever felt for one other person. How is it that I’ve fallen in love with Vivi in a matter of an hour?

One twin is squirming in Beckett’s arm, getting restless, and a moment later, the other joins in.

Just the thought of them being uncomfortable sends a shudder of worry through me. “What’s wrong with them?”

Liv laughs and steps up beside Beckett. “They’re hungry. I’m going to go feed them.”

“Can I watch?”

Beckett growls low in his throat. “You will not watch my wife feed my daughters.”

Scratching my head, I look up at Dylan. “Why is he growling at me?”

She smiles that soothing smile of hers. “She breastfeeds the twins.”

I cringe, and that prickle of worry turns to dread.

Dylan snorts, misreading my response. “It’s completely natural.”

“I know it’s natural.” I frown at her and eye my chest with a frown. “But I don’t have breasts.”

Liv cups her mouth, hiding a smile. “And with that, I’m out. Beckett, give me a minute to get settled, then bring the girls upstairs for me, please.”

My brother watches his wife with so much love in his eyes I feel sick. For months and months, I’ve been jealous as fuck of what he has. And now I’m envious of him not only because he gets to be with the love of his life, but because he has a partner to do this with. A woman who wants to raise their children alongside him. And poor Vivi just has me.

Maybe it’s selfish to keep her. Just about any person out there would be a better parent than me.

Dylan squeezes my arm. “Okay, let’s figure out what you need. She’ll need to eat soon, so we should place an Instacart order and have it delivered.”

Beckett stands, wearing a cocky smirk. “I duplicated the order we made for the twins and had it sent to his apartment.”

My heart squeezes in my chest at my grumpy brother’s thoughtfulness. “Thanks, Beck.”

Liv scrunches up her nose. “Um, Beckett, we ordered two of almost everything.”

“Fuck,” I mutter.

“Duck,” Beckett reminds me. “You’re a dad now. Act like it.”

My gut clenches. Dammit, he’s right. How the hell am I going to do this without totally screwing this child up?

“I’ll text Brooks and Aiden. Have them hang out at your place and wait for the order,” Beckett offers. “They can separate it all and return what you don’t need.”

Since the moment I opened that door and found Vivi, my body has been strung tight, but for the first time tonight, a little of that tension ebbs. Because my brothers are the fucking best. “Thanks. Seriously, I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.”

“Okay, I’ll put in a grocery order too. Do you have a car seat?” Dylan peers around, and her eyes light up when she sees it in the corner. “You do! Oh, good boy, Gavin.”

Beckett laughs as he heads for the stairs. “Don’t think he has a base, though.”

“Hmm.” Dylan frowns, her brow furrowed.

“What’s a base?”

“It’s the piece you buckle into the car so that the seat doesn’t go flying.”

“Huh. So that’s why Brooks and I couldn’t make that thing stay.”

“How did you get here?” Dylan asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Um, I wrapped the seatbelt around it like five times and then held it in place.”

Dylan covers her mouth and giggles. “Oh no.” Then she takes a deep breath and schools her expression. “Let me run next door really quick. We have an extra for when Willow rides to the stadium with Cortney and Beckett.”

“That’s a thing? They carpool?”

“Your brother is very needy,” Dylan says as she heads for the door.

I peer down at Vivi, who’s still watching me, curious. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

The car seat base is a genius invention. Once Dylan installed it, Vivi’s seat popped right in. But as soon as we make it back to my place, Vivi becomes inconsolable.

“Why won’t she stop crying?” I hold her out in front of me and turn her from side to side, searching for another offending item that could be cutting off her air supply like that damn hat. The rest of her clothes seem loose fitting.

“She’s probably hungry,” Dylan says. “I’ll heat up a bottle.”

My brother settles on my couch and rests an ankle on a knee, as if he’s enjoying the show.

“You could help, you know,” I grumble.

He laces his fingers behind his head and laughs. “I have five kids. I’m pretty sure you could handle one.”

“And you have Livy at your side, doing it all with you. You didn’t have to figure this shit out yourself.” I’ve never been so angry that I live alone as I am right now. “Can you believe there’s no test I need to take in order to keep a baby? You can’t drive a car without passing a driver’s test, but they just trust you to know how to keep another human alive? To go to college, you have to take the fucking SATs, but here, take this baby. Figure it out. What the fuck?”

Beckett wears a lazy smirk. “I seem to remember a certain someone betting I wouldn’t make it a weekend in the brownstone with Livy.”

“You weren’t left to care for an infant by yourself. You were living with four women who all had parenting experience. I’d have helped you if someone gave you a freaking child to raise on your own.”

With a sigh, he hauls himself to his feet and takes the screaming baby from me. With Vivi in his arms, he sits on one end of the couch and lays her on her back on the cushion. “Go grab the diaper bag.”

How he handles a screaming child so calmly is beyond me. My heart is being pummeled, and I want to pull my fucking hair out.

I find the diaper bag by the door, unzip it, and rifle through its contents, feeling helpless.

For the thousandth time since I first held Vivi, I wonder how the hell I’m going to do this, all the while knowing I have no choice. Vivi needs me. She’s got no one else.

My brother waves me over and points to the other end of the couch, near Vivi’s head. “Sit and hold her belly still. I’ll grab what we need and show you how it’s done.” He snatches the bag from me, and once I’ve got both hands on Vivi, he digs through it. “I’m only doing this once, Gav. So pay attention.”

Damn, I think he might be my hero. He may only be two years older than me, and truthfully, I haven’t looked at him like he’s my big brother since we were kids, but right now, I feel small. And I’m downright awestruck by the way he talks in a soothing voice to me—clearly for Vivi’s benefit—and tells me exactly what he’s doing while he pulls out a diaper, some kind of cream, a package of wipes, and powder. The whole time, he alternates between watching what he’s doing and checking in with me to make sure I understand.

She’s changed and he’s holding her out to me when Dylan steps into the room holding a bottle.

“Make sure to test the temperature before you give it to her,” she instructs.

With a roll of my eyes, I snatch it out of her hands, bring it to my mouth, and suck. The second the flavor registers, my stomach revolts. “Holy shit,” I cough out between gags. “What the fuck are you feeding my child?”

“You don’t drink the formula,” Dylan says, yanking the bottle from my hand.

I rub my tongue over the roof of my mouth and stick it out, desperate to get rid of the flavor. “You said to test the temperature.”

“With your wrist. Have you never been around babies before?”

“Only the twins, and as you so aptly pointed out, they don’t take bottles.” I swipe it back and hold it up in front of me, inspecting the off-white liquid. “Fuck, we can’t feed this horrible stuff to her.”

My brother is clutching his stomach and flopped back against the cushions, laughing so hard tears pour down his face.

“You ducking try it.” I toss the bottle at him, panic rushing through me as my daughter screams in my arms once again.

“I don’t know what the universe was thinking,” Dylan mutters. She takes Vivi from my arms and the bottle from Beckett and disappears into the kitchen.

“Tell me about it,” I mutter, focusing on the city skyline and rubbing at the pain in my chest.

“It can’t be that bad,” Beckett muses.

I stick my tongue out and wipe my sleeve across my mouth, then head to my bedroom so I can brush my teeth. When I return, Dylan is on the couch, holding Vivi, whose eyes are heavy, like she’s almost asleep.

“Poor thing has had a long day,” she says softly to the baby. She looks up at me, her eyes full of tears. “Who could leave this beautiful girl alone?”

The weight returns to my shoulders as I settle beside her. “No one worth thinking about.” I sigh. “Can you show me how to make the bottles before you leave?”

“Yes. Beckett, go set up the playpen in Gavin’s room.” She pats my leg. “I know this is overwhelming, but just take it one day at a time.”

One day at a time. Ha. I blink down at Vivi. It’s only been a few hours, and I’m wiped out. Yet I have to do this again tomorrow. All day. For the next eighteen years, at least.

“What would happen to her?” I whisper, my heart twisting.

“If what?” Dylan asks, studying me with those keen golden eyes.

“If I hadn’t been here today? If she didn’t have a father? Who would have taken her?”

Dylan brushes her thumb over Vivi’s cheek. “Social services would get involved, and she’d be placed with a foster family. They have emergency placements, but without either parent, she’d probably be in the system for a while. They’d try to find them first. Then there would be hoops to jump through before she could be adopted.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat, silently promising this baby girl that I won’t let that happen to her. No matter how hard this is. No matter how unprepared I am. I’ve got to be a better alternative than that. Right?

Fuck, I hope I am.

“How do people do it?” My words are barely audible, but Dylan smiles in response.

“With help and a lot of alcohol.”

That moment of levity lifts my mood a little, though I’m still overwhelmed with fear when Beckett returns.

“All right, Dippy Do,” he says to Dylan. “I gotta get home to relieve Livy. Gavin, seriously, if you need help, call Brooks.”

I glare at my brother. Was I just thinking of him as my hero? And now he’s taking off and telling me to call someone else when I need help?

“Don’t give me that look. I set up her playpen next to your bed. She’ll probably need a bottle in the middle of the night. You’ll need to change her then as well. The delivery guys should be here in the morning.”

“That’s it? You’re just going to leave me alone with her?”

Dylan stands with a yawn. “Sorry, Gavin. I have a baby to get home to as well.”

As she places Vivi in my arms, genuine terror hits me. “What happened to getting through this with a lot of help? Where’s my freaking help?”

Beckett leans down and kisses Vivi’s forehead, then cups the back of my head and presses one to mine. “You’ll be fine, Daddy.”

I tamp down on my fear and roll my eyes. “No thanks to you.”

He cuffs the back of my neck and jostles me gently. “You’re welcome.”

“What if I forget how to change her?” I ask as I follow them to the door. I don’t think I can do this on my own. “What if I forget how to make the bottle? Are there instructions somewhere? Even freaking McDonald’s toys come with manuals, but you’re leaving me alone with a baby and no instructions?” My voice is panicked as they open the door, making Vivi whimper in my arms.

“I stuck a list of instructions to the fridge,” Dylan calls. “You’ll be fine.”

The moment the door closes, I eye Vivi.Her chubby cheeks, the little wisps of dark hair.

They really left me alone.

An hour later, I’m sitting on the edge of my mattress. In the middle of the bed, surrounded by pillows, Vivi sleeps soundly. I couldn’t put her in the crib. She was too far away. There’s no chance I’ll close my eyes tonight. What if she stops breathing? What if I fall asleep and don’t hear her cry and she’s all alone again? Nope, I’ll lie here and keep an eye on her. I don’t have the first fucking clue what I’m doing, but I do know I won’t abandon her.

I ease onto my back so as not to disturb her and slide off the stack of friendship bracelets I wear on my wrist. All but one. Never have been able to take it off. Then I take out my phone and do the same thing I do every night.

I open to our text chain and start at the beginning.

Peaches: You programmed yourself as “Coach.”

Me: And you’re Peaches. You back in your room?

Peaches: Yes.

Me: Good. Listen, use this number whenever you want. I’ll always be here to talk.