Chapter 14

fourteen

"Sometimes I think I am a fool."

~Earl Douglass

S UNDAY , J ULY 23, 1916 · J ENSEN

Sunday morning dawned bright and warm. As Eliza watched the sun rise, she reread the article from yesterday's paper—an article that had originated in New York, which meant the whole world had seen it by now.

Paleontologist Lies about Authorship of Paper!

The author compared her to Cope and Marsh, and her deceit to their underhanded dealings. Then the writer of the article dared to throw her faith in there. What a shame the good little Christian girl couldn't tell the truth. What else was she hiding?

The paper even mentioned that her dearly departed grandfather was close friends with Andrew Carnegie and she worked for the Carnegie Institute—implying she'd gotten the job on that merit alone.

No matter how many times she read it, she couldn't deny what was there. Yes, it painted her in a very bad light and twisted the story to give support to the author's opinion, but nevertheless, it was true.

It. Was. True.

She'd lied. Plain and simple.

The man impersonating Dr. Masterson was behind this. But she couldn't help wondering ... who was behind him ? He was obviously a talented actor. So who was pulling the marionette's strings?

Eliza folded the paper back up and tossed it aside.

Another sleepless night. She needed to be in church today. No matter what she looked like. No matter how she felt. Devin had been correct about her fear and trust. His words had been all she could think about until that wretched article appeared.

Devin.

The crux of their conversation before he left came back to her with such force that she had to close her eyes. He loved her, but they couldn't be together. Why? Because of money? Because he didn't think she loved him? It didn't make sense.

After all these years, all the time they'd spent with one another ... he'd loved her like that for more than a decade? Why hadn't he ever said anything before now?

Images of him flowed through her mind and heart. How he listened and shared life with her ... how he was willing to challenge her and say hard things ... the look in his eyes when he saw her...

Eliza shook her head. That's how she should have known. He'd shown her every day how much she meant to him. The more she examined her own heart, the more the truth sank in.

The only man she'd ever wanted was Devin.

Had she ruined everything in spectacular fashion like always, or could she do something about this?

As she dressed for church, she allowed the tears to fall. She'd been afraid, so she hadn't been honest. But could she have been? All those years ago? Would her papers have been published if the powers that be had known she was a woman?

At this point, she'd never know.

Then there was Devin. Her confidante. Her best friend. Her "partner in crime," as Devin's father used to always say.

She washed her face and squeezed her eyes tight against all the memories.

Every major point in her life, every big accomplishment, every low point ... Devin had been there.

The Adamses had been awfully quiet after the paper arrived. She'd been too exhausted to talk to them about it. And yet, the small buggy was ready for her as usual. Their kindness and hospitality warmed her heart. Perhaps they weren't judging her like she'd assumed everyone would.

She drove the small conveyance to her new church and allowed all the beautiful reminders of Devin to keep her occupied. She refused to focus on the fact that he'd told her good-bye. Her heart couldn't take it. Had he really meant good-bye good-bye?

Once she arrived and had her horse and buggy secure, Eliza slipped into a chair at the back of the room at the ranch house. Because the congregation was so small, it was difficult to sneak in unnoticed. Still, she was thankful they were singing a hymn. Less attention would be directed at her tardiness. Or her presence in general.

The liar.

The pariah.

Taking a deep breath, Eliza focused on the words being sung.

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,

Till my trophies at last I lay down;

I will cling to the old rugged cross,

And exchange it some day for a crown.

The words stung. She had no more trophies. And she hadn't really had the opportunity to lay them down before the Lord. No, she'd clutched at them and held on to them until they'd been ripped from her. Eliza bit the corner of her lip. How was she ever going to face anyone again?

All the events of the past week scrolled through her mind. All the times she should have done something different, said something different. All the mistakes.

"What are you so afraid of?"

Devin's question was like a pebble in her shoe. Irritating and rubbing her the wrong way.

Yet it was the question at the heart of the whole mess.

Foolish. She was foolish and silly and look where it had gotten her. Alone.

Her eyes burned. Exactly what she'd been afraid of.

And her own actions had driven her there.

"The L ORD bless thee, and keep thee: the L ORD make His face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee." The recitation of the service benediction drew Eliza from her thoughts.

Her face burned. She'd missed the whole message! She dropped her head in her hands with a groan. Was she so self-absorbed that her problems were more important than studying the Word?

Ugh. What a wretch she was.

Eliza felt the seat next to her shift and she looked up. Mrs. Winters sat beside Eliza, her brow furrowed. "My dear Miss Mills, I couldn't help but notice how pale you are this morning. Are you all right?"

"I am." Eliza gave the kind woman a thin smile even as her heart clenched. Yet another lie? What was wrong with her?

Mrs. Winters's brown eyes seemed to bore into Eliza's soul, as if the woman knew all her secrets. "Hmm ... It looks as though you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Eliza. You don't mind if I call you by your given name, do you?"

Eliza shook her head, unable to speak past the lump in her throat.

"Good." She patted Eliza's hand. "You can call me Mary. Now, why don't you tell me what's bothering you."

The lump broke into a sob. Eliza buried her face in her hands. How she still had tears left after the last week was beyond her. But here they came again, cascading down her face.

"Oh, my dear." Mary slipped a soft arm around Eliza's shoulders and pulled her close. "Whatever it is, it can't be as bad as all this, now, can it?"

"I've m-made an a-absolute mess o-of my life." Each word was a stab to her heart.

The woman's arm tightened around her. "Well, who hasn't from time to time? Here's a hankie. Dry your face and tell me all about it."

Eliza took the small cloth and mopped away the tears. The scent of jasmine lingered, soothing her frayed nerves. She took a deep breath and explained the events of the last few days to Mary, sparing no detail. Every bad decision and wrong move was laid out. After explaining how Devin's declaration and probing question left her stunned, hurt, and confused, Eliza sat back in her chair with a sigh.

"I've let everyone down. Devin is gone. That horrid article is out in the paper. I'm sure Mr. Carnegie will be rather upset. I've brought dishonor to his museum. Who will want me representing them in any scientific field after this? And through all of it, I was afraid of being alone. But that's exactly where my actions brought me."

To Eliza's surprise, Mary smiled and even chuckled. Eliza's jaw dropped, then snapped shut. Well. She hadn't just bared her soul to have this woman mock her!

Mary reached out and patted her arm. "I'm not laughing at you, Eliza. I will say, I appreciate your flair for the dramatic. No, no. Don't be offended. I can hear your pain and your worry and embarrassment. And indeed, it is quite the situation you find yourself in. But"—the older woman took Eliza's hand in hers—"it is not insurmountable. You are a beautiful young woman. Full of life and joy. You're clearly brilliant and successful. But you have put entirely too much pressure on yourself. We all do it. We put ourselves in a place where we think we have to orchestrate our own lives. As if we are the masters of our destiny and not in the hand of the living God who loves us and knows what is best for us." Mary squeezed Eliza's hand, a gentle smile on her weathered face.

"Perhaps before you make all sorts of plans about what you should do, take some time and get alone with Jesus. Pour your heart out to Him like you just did to me. And wait on Him. He is faithful, Eliza. He loves you. And I think He wants to remind you that your life belongs to Him. Maybe He needed to get you alone so you would listen to Him. Wholly and completely."

Eliza swallowed. Her heart constricted as Mary's gentle words settled in her. It was true. She was still trying to manage her life and fix the wrongs she'd done, all on her own. She twisted the hankie through her fingers. "You're right." She sighed. "But what if He's disappointed in me too? If He's decided I'm too much of a problem to redeem?"

Mary shook her head. "Impossible, dear girl. He longs for us to run to Him, even when we sin. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." She tapped Eliza's forearm with her finger, emphasizing her words. "Confess, repent. Be honest with Jesus. He will forgive you, Eliza. Give Him control of your life. Pray about what you need to do next. Give the Lord time to work. And stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks."

Eliza offered the woman a wobbly smile as the room emptied. "I'm sorry for keeping you, but thank you. For checking up on me, for your words of wisdom ... you've given me a lot to think about."

"I'm glad you're a part of our church, Eliza." Mary stood and patted Eliza's shoulder. "I will be praying for you. Don't hesitate to find me if you need a friend."

Eliza watched the slender woman make her way outside through the thinning crowd, greeting several people. Clearly Mary was well known and liked, judging by the smiles gracing the faces of fellow believers as they conversed with her. She'd been kind yet firm, speaking truth and wisdom into Eliza's hurting soul.

Maybe Mr. Adams would let her borrow the carriage for the afternoon so she could get away and get alone.

An hour later, Eliza was stocked with a lunch basket, her Bible, a blanket, and permission from Mr. Adams to use the carriage as long as she needed. So she set out toward Green River, just half a mile from the Adams's homestead.

The wind rippled through the mane of the horse as she maneuvered the carriage toward the river. The sun was bright in a cloudless blue sky. A gentle summer breeze ruffled the grass of the prairie on one side, and the branches of trees on the other. It was the perfect summer day. A day that she usually would have spent telling tourists about the wonders of dinosaurs, and having lunch with Devin, maybe even enjoying dinner with her host family.

But that wasn't where God had her right now.

Spotting a small grove of trees several feet from the riverbank, Eliza directed the carriage to a spot with enough grass for the horse to graze for a while. After pulling the brake, she grabbed the small basket containing her lunch and Bible, the blanket Mrs. Adams had lent her, and hopped to the ground. She walked a few yards, then settled under the shade of a tree, her back pressing against the bark. The water rushed by her, its rapids like a mirror of her swirling thoughts. But her mind kept coming back to one fact...

Devin was right about everything.

Under all her ambition, enthusiasm, and drive, Eliza was insecure.

Afraid.

Her bravado was a bluff, daring anyone to call her out and prove she didn't belong in the scientific community.

Her reputation and drive to prove her scientific acumen blinded her to the impact of her actions on her family, friends, and colleagues. The minute she had the chance to own her work, to walk in true confidence in who God made her to be, she chickened out.

Tears slipped down her cheeks. Devin told her she didn't trust the Lord.

He was right.

Her carefully constructed life was in tatters. All because she tried to do everything on her own.

But through all of it, Devin had declared his heart. He loved her. No. It was deeper than that. He was in love with her.

Eliza shook her head. She'd been blind for so many years. Buried so many feelings. Worn a fa?ade for so long she didn't even know who she really was anymore. Devin's revelation of his feelings and his thoughts about her behavior made that abundantly clear.

She pulled her Bible out of the basket and held it for a moment. It had been a gift from her grandparents on her sixteenth birthday. The black leather and gold gilt pages were faded with time and use. It was her most prized possession, outside of the first fossil she'd found when she was seven. However, it hadn't been opened much lately.

That had to change.

Mary's words from earlier that morning came rushing back. Eliza had run long enough. It was time to seek the Lord and live her life according to His Word, not her own blind aspirations and dreams. This time she wouldn't let shame keep her from the Lord. She would run to Him.

Eliza opened the Bible and thumbed through it, not sure what she was looking for. She skimmed through several chapters in John when a verse from chapter fifteen caught her eye. "‘I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.'"

The words plunged into her heart, awakening her to the depths of the Truth.

Without Jesus, she could do nothing.

Finding fossils with Devin when she was fifteen. The accolades awarded her in college. The chance to study God's creation alongside some of the finest minds in the country. Getting a job with Mr. Carnegie in his magnificent museum. Every opportunity had been a blessing, not because of herself, but a gift from God. She could proclaim with confidence that God created the heavens and the earth. The very sky above them and soil beneath them declared the glory of God!

Yet even as she'd declared that with her lips, more and more, she'd depended on her own abilities and intelligence. When had her focus shifted from seeing her aptitude for science and learning as a gift from God to thinking them the results of her own efforts?

Eliza wiped her face, but the tears kept falling. It was pride, plain and simple. No wonder confusion and uncertainty dogged her every step. Attempting to walk in the way of Jesus without actually walking with Him, without letting Him work through her, was a sure recipe for disaster. The fruit of her actions proved that.

She lifted her face to heaven. "Lord! I am so sorry. I have been careless and prideful and full of fear! Please forgive and cleanse me."

Her tears slowed from great gulping sobs to soft sniffles. Her shoulders relaxed and her breath evened out as peace settled over her—a peace far warmer than the light of the sun above her. The weight... the heavy burden that had been a part of her for so long was now gone! In its place was the knowledge she was forgiven and loved by her Savior.

Mary was right, there was no condemnation for her as a child of God. Thank You, Lord .

Eliza watched the light flicker through the leaves of the trees above her. The rumble of her stomach cut through the air and she looked at the watch pinned to her shirtwaist. Definitely past lunchtime. Her stomach rumbled again. Hours past.

She opened the basket and pulled out her sandwich. The hearty scent of beef made her mouth water. She unwrapped the handheld deliciousness and laid back on the blanket with a sigh. Munching on the homemade bread, fresh roasted beef, and cheese, she stared up into the sky and listed off everything in her life she could think of that she'd held on to and gave it over to the Father. Everything she'd tried to control. Everything she'd hoped and dreamed.

The more she lifted her burdens up to Him, the cleaner and lighter she felt and the more her words tumbled out one after another.

A couple hours later, the basket was empty and her heart was full. Eliza gathered her things and headed back home. Tomorrow, she would send a telegram to Mr. Carnegie about the article. She couldn't control what people thought or said about her, but she could be honest with him. Then she would request to dig out on the Meyer ranch again. Maybe Deborah would still help her. It would be nice to get to know her better. Become even better friends than they were now. The thought warmed her.

As she drove toward the house, she noticed another carriage in the yard. Perhaps the Adamses had a visitor staying for supper.

Deborah Hawkins stood up on the porch, a deep frown on her face. She walked down the steps and toward Eliza.

"Is this true?" She held up the newspaper, fire in her eyes.

"Please." Eliza sent a quick prayer toward heaven. "Allow me to explain." She climbed down from the buggy and took a deep breath. "I wrote many papers under a male name years ago because I was afraid they wouldn't publish a woman paleontologist."

Deborah's face softened a bit. "So what did you lie about?"

Eliza winced. "I asked Devin to say that he wrote them. But he wasn't comfortable with lying for me so we told the truth to Dr. Masterson. Well, the man we thought was Dr. Masterson. But he was an imposter, and he must've gone to the papers with it."

"Oh." Deborah blinked several times. "My husband said there must be an explanation, and Earl agreed. Mr. Carnegie had sent out a lot of telegrams about the impersonator to all his people around the country."

Eliza nodded. Mr. Carnegie had told her he would inform his connections to keep a watch out for the man posing as Dr. Masterson. "I'm sorry about all this, Deborah."

She shook her head and rolled the newspaper up in her hands. "After working with you, I couldn't believe it would be true. Then a group of women protestors turned up on the road by the quarry and they've been saying some pretty hateful things. Couple that with the article and..." She shrugged. "It doesn't matter, I shouldn't have doubted you."

Eliza put a hand to her chest. What a gift this woman and her friendship were. "Thank you. I'm sorry that I've caused such a mess."

Deborah grabbed Eliza's free hand and squeezed it tight. "Earlier today, I was excited because the sheriff came to see us and granted permission for you and me to continue excavating on the Meyer ranch. Then I read this and listened to the protestors and—" She shook her head. "I'm so sorry!"

They were allowed back on the ranch! "You have nothing to apologize for. And that's wonderful news from the sheriff." She gripped her friend's hand tighter.

"Isn't it? I can't wait to get back there and figure out what we've discovered. But you're the expert. I can't do this without you." Deborah smiled, and Eliza's heart warmed. Thank You, Lord, for friends who are so quick to forgive my stupidity.

"Does that mean you'll help me tomorrow?" Eliza held her breath.

"I'd love to."