Chapter Fourteen

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“That was more enjoyable than I thought,” said Beau as we drove toward my place after dinner.

“Kay does make it fun. I especially like playing Who’s the Turkey?” During dinner, everyone was assigned a card with a Thanksgiving dish written on it—green beans, gravy, sweet potatoes, etc.—and we all took turns guessing who got the turkey card. If you guessed wrong, you had to drink or take a punishment from the person you incorrectly called out, like singing a song, tap dancing for twenty seconds, or eating those nasty canned yams. If you guessed the turkey correctly, you got to hand out drinks or punishments to the entire group. If you happened to have the turkey card, then you pretended you didn’t and played along until you were directly called out. I don’t think we’d ever made it past three rounds until tonight.

“How did you guess the turkey five times in a row?” I asked.

“I can tell when people are lying or hiding something. It’s a gift.”

“So you have a built-in BS meter?” I stopped at a light.

“Something like that.”

“So tell me, what am I hiding?” I asked.

“You really want to know?”

“Hmmm…maybe not. I’ve had a lot of frank feedback from my friends lately. And let’s just say I’m working through some things now.”

“Such as?” he asked.

“Apparently, I am a people pleaser, I have an unhealthy obsession with Christmas, and I spend too much on other people. I’m also overly self-conscious but not self-aware enough—whatever that means.” I turned my head and waited for his reaction.

He didn’t really have one.

The light turned green, and we continued on.

After a few minutes, his lack of response started making me uneasy. Finally, when we pulled up to my building, I had to ask. “Are you just going to leave me hanging?” I said as I shut off the engine.

He looked over, his face unreadable.

“What?” I snapped.

“I think I’m drunk.”

I started to laugh. “But you hardly drank anything.”

“Shawna made me do shots with her while you were in the kitchen helping put the food away.”

Shawna had liquored him up. “Did she hit on you?”

“Absolutely.”

I felt my jealousy rear its ugly head again, so I stomped on it. “Well, she’s very pretty and a good person. I can’t blame you for being interested.” I looked away, hiding my disappointment. Why even care, Meri? It’s not like this—us—was ever going anywhere.

“Yes, she is very beautiful. But she’s not my type.”

I slowly looked over at Beau, finding his eyes glued to my lips. My stomach fluttered, and my face got all hot.

He suddenly hopped out of the truck.

What just happened? I hopped out, too, but he was already walking away. “Beau?”

“I’m drunk. I need to sleep it off.”

“Where are you going?” I called out. He didn’t reply, so I went after him for a second time tonight.

I caught up and cut him off on the sidewalk. “It’s freezing outside. Just crash on my couch.”

“It’s not a wise idea.”

I rolled my eyes. “I promise not to take advantage of you. Girl Scout’s honor.” I raised my hand.

Our eyes locked.

“Maybe I’m the one who’ll take advantage of you. ” He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me into him, covering my mouth with his.

Startled by the unexpected kiss, I froze. His lips were warm and soft. He smelled like rum mixed with peppermint candy. Mmmm… He tastes like the holidays.

I opened my mouth, inviting him to deepen the kiss. He did. It was a slow, sensual kiss that made my knees wobble and my wobbly bits steam up.

As his mouth and tongue worked against mine, his towering frame pressed against me, warming me from head to toe. I wrapped my arms around him, exploring the hard back muscles under his sweater.

After a few moments, I was dizzy and drunk with lust.

Beau slowly ended the kiss, kneading my lips with his and kissing the corner of my mouth.

He smiled down at me with a seductive grin. “Good night, Meri.” He turned to walk away again.

“You’re really going to leave?” I asked, breathless.

“I have some business to take care of.”

It was one o’clock in the morning. What sort of business could he possibly have?

Flustered beyond belief, I watched Mr. Mixed Signals walk away, refusing to chase after him for a third time tonight. It was one thing to want somebody, but it was another to beg.

He knows where I live.

I went to my apartment and looked out the window at the empty alley, replaying our interactions since we’d met.

So he used to be a spoiled rich kid. I never would’ve guessed it. But how could his father turn his back like that? Not that I knew Beau before all this, but he’d spent a decade of his life living like that guy from Kung Fu , a show I’d caught on the old rerun channel. The guy, who was a monk, traveled from place to place, helping others with his mad kung fu skills. Okay, Beau wasn’t running around beating people up in the name of justice, but he definitely took his vow of poverty seriously.

I changed into my red flannel bottoms and my tank top with tiny green Christmas trees. While I braided my frizzy hair, I couldn’t help wondering what would come next for Beau.

Maybe he’s like an outdoor cat now. He’d never be able to settle down into a “normal” life.

I hopped into bed, knowing that I was more fascinated by him than ever.

Suddenly, my door buzzer went off. I got up and pressed the intercom button in the kitchen. “Hello?”

“It’s me,” said that deep familiar voice.

Beau. My heart lit up, and I did a little dance. “Yes, yes, yes!” I hit the door release to let him in and then rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

By the time I was done, Beau was at my door.

“Hey, you came back,” I said, trying to sound casual about it.

“As you can see.”

“Are you staying, or are you still worried I might take advantage of you?” I asked coyly.

“I was hoping you might take a few liberties. Though, I am no longer drunk. Only a little tipsy.”

“I can work with that.” I grabbed him by the collar of his sweater and pulled him inside, pressing my mouth to his.

He still tasted delicious. Later, I’d have to ask what sort of gum or mouthwash he used.

With our mouths locked, and my body turning into a ball of fire, I pulled off his sweater and tossed it to the floor. His warm hands roamed under my tank top to my waist, gripping me firmly as he bowed his body over me. I ran my hands up to his shoulders and then down his chest, tracing my fingertips along the contours of his pecs and abs.

“How often do you work out at the Y?” I panted between wild, hot kisses.

“A lot.”

I reached for the button of his pants. “You’re really fit.”

“Yes,” he panted back, removing my shirt. His hands immediately went to my breasts, cupping and massaging. “You feel so good.”

“So do you.” His muscles were hard, his skin was soft, and he smelled incredible. “What soap do you use?”

He began walking me back toward the bedroom. “You really want to discuss soap right now?”

“No. No.” I pulled down my pajama bottoms, stumbling out of them as we made our way to my bed. His hands were everywhere—my ass, neck and face. We miraculously got to the edge of my bed in one piece.

“I can’t get over how good you taste,” I said. “Like candy.”

“You too.”

“Mint toothpaste.”

He pushed me back on the bed and kicked off his boots. He slowly began unbuttoning his jeans and then slid them off.

Commando. Nice.

That was when I saw what he had going on down there. It was thick and long and rock hard. “That is a very big present.” I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

“Just wait until you see what it can do.”

“Hold that thought.” I rolled over and grabbed a condom from my dresser drawer. He snatched it from my hand and rolled it on in two seconds.

He grabbed the sides of my panties and slid them down, taking in the triangle of dark hair between my legs. “That looks delicious.”

“Some other time.” I grabbed his face and pulled his lips to mine while he settled between my thighs. His body felt so good, so hot. I was aching to have him inside me. “Please promise you’re not going to leave again.”

He instantly froze. “Meri.”

I opened my eyes, locking on his intense gaze. Then he rolled off me.

Oh God . I didn’t know why I’d said that out loud. It had been more of a wish than an ask. Wasn’t it?

He sat on the edge of the bed for a long moment and then grabbed his jeans, disappearing into the bathroom off the living room.

What just happened? I was wetter than a melting icicle and hotter than a steaming cup of cocoa with tiny marshmallows turning to liquid. I needed him. Genuinely needed him.

The realization slammed into me like a snowball to the face. I’d meant what I’d said just now. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted to get to know him and unravel the mystery of why I felt so drawn to a man who lived a very unconventional life.

I really do like him. I pulled my covers over my body, hugging my white blanket.

I heard the bathroom door open, and then Beau appeared in my bedroom, pulling on his sweater. He sat down on the edge of the bed and began putting on his boots.

“So you’re leaving,” I said. “Again.”

“This was a mistake.”

“Why? Because I said I didn’t want you to go, like you’re doing right now?”

“I told you before that I was content with my life, and I meant it,” he replied.

“You mean the wandering from place to place without a home, all to pay penance for something that wasn’t actually your fault?”

“I don’t expect you to understand.” He stood up and stared down at me, a pained look in his blue eyes.

“You’re probably right.” I got up, dragging my blanket with me. I grabbed my red robe from my closet and slid it on. “But how could anyone possibly understand when your MO is to push everyone away?” I exhaled sharply. “You’re not a hobo or some free bird wandering the planet. You’re a chicken shit. That’s what you are. Bock, bock. Chicken.”

He tilted his head to one side. “Is that supposed to make me feel something?”

“Yeah. Embarrassed. And has it occurred to you that maybe what your dad was waiting for wasn’t for his son to live like a hermit crab using a tent as his shell, but to put down some roots and make a difference—to care about someone else more than you care about yourself?”

“I care.”

“Oh, do you?” I folded my arms over my chest.

“Tonight I just gave three thousand dollars to my friend who runs the homeless shelter downtown,” he said.

That was where he’d gone just now? “Where did you get three thousand dollars?”

“I was working on a crabbing boat the last few weeks,” he replied.

“What?”

“Crab. You know, those things with pinchers. People eat them. Working fishing boats is good money.”

I shook my head. While I was worrying my ass off, looking everywhere for him—every bus station, Y, soup kitchen, and park—he was somewhere on the ocean. “So you were fishing.”

“I needed a change of scenery to clear my head.” He paused for a long moment and then let out a breath. “I was trying to forget I met you.”

Suddenly, the anger drained from my body. Now I just felt…sad. “Why? Because of what I said on game night? You know I didn’t mean—”

“It’s easier that way.”

“Beau.” I walked up to him, taking his hand. “Probably easier, but so much lonelier.”

“Well, it didn’t work. I ended up coming right back here as soon as we hit the dock. I was going to stop by tomorrow, but I bumped into your friend Shawna, and she invited me to Friendsgiving. I thought, for one second, that maybe the universe was trying to tell me something. It’s why I gave the money away tonight instead of using it to fund my travels to a new place.”

“You gave it away so you’d stay? With me?”

He nodded. “Yes, but Meri, it was probably the rum talking and—”

I pushed myself up onto the tips of my toes and kissed him hard. He froze for a moment and then kissed me back.

He felt so right on my lips. I didn’t care that he had baggage but didn’t own much. He defied everything I’d ever thought comprised the perfect man. And that fact alone mesmerized me. I wanted to fight to keep him here. Yet, all of a sudden, I couldn’t stop thinking about something Kay had said: Give without expectations. Give from the heart.

It dawned on me that I was in the midst of doing the exact opposite. I wasn’t thinking about him at all. I was thinking about what I wanted: for him to stay.

I pulled away, experiencing a moment of clarity unlike any other. “I’ll make you a deal. If you feel like staying, then stay. For as long as you need or want. And if you get the itch to travel, then travel. And if you want somewhere to come back to, I’ll be here. Unless I move, which I might, but then you’d be welcome there, too. The point is, I’d love for you to stick around, but I don’t expect anything from you, Beau,” I said softly. “Except your honesty and friendship. I’d also like to know which soap and toothpaste you use because I could probably eat you. You smell that good.” I grinned.

“Friends? You want to just be friends?” He clearly didn’t believe me.

“I never said that was all I wanted, but in the last ten seconds, I realized that for us to be more, for me to be happy, you’d have to want to stick around, but you’re not there yet.” I shrugged. “Maybe you never will be. Either way, I know I’m a better person for meeting you, and I mean that with all my heart. So if we’re friends, and that’s all, then I’ll take it. But I’m not going to lie just to make you happy.”

I felt so proud of myself. I hadn’t chucked my needs out the window to make someone else happy, and at the same time, I gave an offer from the heart.

He rubbed his chin. “Friends don’t tongue-kiss friends like you do, Meri.”

I laughed. “Or like you.” I fanned my face. “But I’d be heartbroken if this thing between us went any further and you just upped and disappeared.”

He nodded. “I do not want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t. Friends?” I held out my hand, aching inside. I wanted him. Badly. Just thinking about him being naked on top of me, harder than a jackhammer, made my knees squishy.

He took my hand and gave it a firm shake.

Was this sucking for him, too? If it did, he wasn’t letting on. Or maybe this was better for him. No pressure. No strings. I could be a friend to lean on, which he probably needed. Tonight he’d come to the realization that after eight long years, his dad was never going to forgive him. I’d like to meet his dad and give him a kick in the maracas.

“I have just one more request,” I said.

“What?”

“Will you please stay the night? On the couch? It’s late. You’re on the other side of drunk, and I’m exhausted. If you go, I’ll just sit here worrying about where you’re staying, feeling like I didn’t try hard enough to convince you that I really meant what I said. I’m here for you. And I think you are better than you know—just the type of guy a girl like me would do anything for, including depriving herself of a hard, steamy bang.” I blinked. “I don’t know why I said that. Sorry.”

“I forgot all my things in Shawna’s car, but I’ll stay. If it makes you feel better.”

“I can text her and ask if she can drop your stuff off tomorrow.” I clapped. “I’m just going to go and see if I still have some of Mike’s things in the closet.”

“Mike?”

“My ex. He left me due to irreconcilable differences.”

“What type?” he asked.

“I tend to go a little overboard for Christmas—if you can tell. I think he looked down on me for it.”

Beau’s eyes looked around my crazy apartment. “Please don’t ever stop.” His voice was everything sincere.

I bobbed my head, acknowledging his words. “Well, I guess there comes a point when we all have to accept reality. Mine is that I can’t make everyone happy.” I let go of a breath. “I’ll go see if I can dig out those clothes for you.”

“No. I’m good,” he said.

“Okay. Night, Beau.”

“Night, Meri. Sweet dreams.”

“Thanks,” I said, knowing I’d have anything but.

Tonight had been filled with so many surprises, from Kay convincing me to go to Friendsgiving, to Shawna forgiving me, to Beau showing up and my heart being overcome with relief to see him. Then he left and came back again, almost rocking my Christmas stocking. Now I was trying to bury some serious feelings. All because I genuinely cared about what happened to this man.

What a freaking night. I went to my room, closed the door, and got out my favorite stationery with the little reindeers around the edges. I needed some way to let it all out—this strange amalgamation of lust and sadness mixed with a deep, gnawing hope to see Beau happy, to find joy in his life again. It warmed my heart to imagine him free of his past even if the price of helping him was only being friends—not my first choice.

If it were up to me, he’d stay, and we’d see where this thing between us could go. Because I did want him. Just not like this. He was wrestling with some pretty difficult feelings that made him live like a fugitive.

I was wrestling with my own feelings, too, but I knew I’d be fine no matter what. I had friends and family. I had people to lean on. Unconditional love…

Yes. That was my wish for Beau. To find what I had. To know that whatever happened in life, he would be loved.

Dear Santa,

I know I’m late writing you, but maybe it’s by design. Because this year, I have a very special request. It’s not for me, but for—

I paused and exhaled.

—a friend. His name is Beau, and he is a wonderful person…