Chapter 17

CHAPTER17

When Ashen finally lets me go, I storm away without another word, leaving him to the empty night where he belongs. After finding the others and enduring a little protest, I make my way back to Villa Datura on my own, though I’m very certain my solitude is just an illusion. Ashen is close enough that I can feel him, making sure I get back all right but keeping his distance.

That feeling of being guarded doesn’t stop when I get to Villa Datura. It follows me as I make my way through the grounds and enter the guest house. I stop for a moment in the kitchen to find a bottle of wine, preparing to head to my room where I fully intend to plot my revenge while getting plastered.

Naturally, fate has said a giant fuck you to that plan.

I’ve been so lost in my irritation that it’s taken me a minute to notice a steady thud-thud-thud coming from the living room. I lean back to look past the corner, peering into the darkness.

A set of amber eyes glows back at me. The rhythm of the thudding picks up speed. It’s a tail, wagging against the couch.

Urtur. The giant jackal of House Urbigu. Here, in the Living Realm. On the sofa. Barely.

I lean back into the kitchen. I take a long sip straight out of the bottle. Fuck glasses, I think we’re past that now.

I lean back again.

Thud-thud-thud.

After another long swig of wine, I take the bottle with me and stalk to my room. When I arrive, Ashen is already there, sitting on the edge of my bed. Of course.

“Fan-fucking-tastic. Get the fuck out.”

The hint of a smile pulls at Ashen’s lips. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. It’s called a door,” I say, pointing to it. “You get up, walk through it, and do not return.”

“There are no more available accommodations here in the guest house.”

“Then take the couch.”

“Urtur snores.”

“Good. I hope he keeps you up all night. Maybe he’ll even have real rabies, not angel rabies, and then you can die a slow and painful death barking at your shadow. I will take great delight in witnessing your undignified, embarrassing demise.”

Ashen looks away as he tries to hide the smile that makes a fleeting pass across his lips. “You are so acerbic, vampire.”

I give Ashen a fierce glare that accomplishes nothing, aside from maybe increasing his amusement. “Still so gushing with the compliments I see. I’m touched. Now get the fuck out.”

Ashen stands, and I think for a moment that I might have won this round. Which would be foolish, of course. Because someone clearly hates me.

“There is a second snake. Her name is Zida,” Ashen says as he draws closer until he’s staring down at me.

“So I’ve heard.”

“Zida is hunting you. I cannot leave you alone here, you will be too vulnerable. That’s why Urtur guards the front of the house.”

“I handled Ningish just fine on my own while feeling like shit, thankyouverymuch. And don’t even think about trying to take credit for my kill.”

A breath of a laugh passes through Ashen’s lips, but when he meets my eyes, his expression turns serious. The determination there sparks into flame. “Zida is faster. Smarter. Stealthier. She will be much harder to kill. When she comes, we need to be ready.”

Ashen turns away toward a dresser. He grasps something that leans against it in the shadows and faces me with my katana in his outstretched hand.

“This is yours,” he says. His voice is quiet and low. I set my wine bottle at my feet and take the saya with both hands, closing my eyes when the weight settles in my palms where it belongs. “Please try not to kill me with it. I’m growing tired of resurrecting in the Shadow Realm. It is… deeply unpleasant.”

“If you don’t want me to do it, stop selling it to me so hard,” I say as I draw the sword to my chest. Ashen gives a faint smile that I don’t return. I watch him as though challenging it to fade away, but it doesn’t dissolve. It only increases the heat in his eyes as they linger on my lips. I realize his smile might have less to do with my words than the fact I can make them. My gaze falls away to the floor. “Thank you.”

We stand in silence for a long moment. I think about Zida and wonder how close she might be. How far back on our trail...

Fuck.

“Mr. Hassan-“

“I told him already. He is safe from the serpent,” Ashen says. He watches with acute interest as I nod and blow an unsteady breath between tense lips. With what looks like great effort, Ashen turns away, moving toward the bed. He grabs one of the pillows and places it on the floor beneath the closed window, laying his own sword and dagger next to it.

“You’re not leaving, are you,” I say as he pulls a sheepskin rug from next to the empty hearth over to his makeshift bed.

“No.”

I huff and turn to the wardrobe, pulling out a long robe to drape it across my shoulders, and then I stalk toward the door with the katana in one hand, bottle of wine in the other.

“Where are you going?” Ashen asks. His voice is the perfect combination of dismay, weariness, and irritation. It sounds delectable.

“Drinking. Elsewhere.”

“Vampire-“

“Relax, demon. I’d rather hang out with the dog in the dark and take a chance on reaper rabies for a while,” I say as I reach the door. I hear him stir when I reach the threshold but I don’t turn around. “I need to be alone.”

I wait for any fight to find me, but it doesn’t come. I shift though the door and into the hall, closing it behind me with a quiet snick.

I’m sitting on the couch with Urtur’s heavy head in my lap when Ediye rolls in with the others in tow. Turns out, jackals make pretty decent listeners for drunk and heartbroken, demon-bound vampires. I’ve sat here long enough now that I can’t feel my toes.

“Did we… did we adopt a dog?” Ediye asks as she stops short and takes in the scene. Urtur’s tail swishes against the couch in reply.

“Urtur, this is Ediye. Ediye, this is Urtur, demon jackal extraordinaire. Not sure how he’s managed to rock up here, but hey. He makes a good drinking companion. I’ve told him my sob story and he let me cry into his fur. It’s soft and smells like sulfur,” I say, wrapping my arms around Urtur’s massive black head and squeezing him in a hug.

Thud-thud-thud.

“Riiiiight,” Ediye says as she glances at the others.

Cole grabs a glass from the kitchen island and pivots past Eryx and Ediye. “Pour me some wine and I’ll tell you about the time Urtur pissed on Ashen’s bed.”

“Nooooo,” I gasp. Cole takes the plush armchair across from me and I lean forward to top up our drinks as the others make their way to their rooms. “Not the silky sex sheets.”

A breath of a laugh tumbles from the demon. “Yeah. He got into Ashen’s room somehow, then found himself locked inside. Pissed all over the bed. Ashen was in a pretty shitty mood for a few days.”

“He does love those sheets. Not that I blame him.”

We smile at one another and fall into a moment of silence as I stroke Urtur’s smooth fur. “He’s in my room.”

“Of course he is. What happened when you two went outside?”

“He cursed me. Against myself,” I say, picking at bits of fluff caught in the jackal’s thick coat. My smile fades and I keep my gaze on the motion of my hand. “If he tries to drag me back to the Shadow Realm, I’ll have no way to stop him. I can’t take myself out of the equation anymore.”

Cole sighs and takes a long moment before he responds. “I’m sorry, Lu. Even just seeing you both when we escaped… I understand why you would feel the need to have that option at your fingertips. For what it’s worth, I don’t think he intends to take you there. I think he’s just… afraid. Especially after what happened after you killed Ningish.”

“It’s still a shit move,” I say, taking a long sip of my wine.

“I know. But I think he was desperate. And he doesn’t know what to do. He’s a demon, after all. He doesn’t always do the right thing, even when he’s trying to.”

“The right thing,”I repeat, and when Cole meets my eyes I give him a teasing smile. “That’s just your former angel optimism talking.”

“Nah. That’s long gone,” he says as he sinks deeper into his chair, closing his eyes and crossing his feet on the coffee table.

I tilt my head as I watch him for a long moment. His face is as youthful and unchanging as always. It’s such a mask for everything he must have seen in his long immortal life.

“Why did you really give up your wings?” I ask, and he opens his eyes and watches me back. I hear the thud of his heart, a heavy beat of sadness.

“I lost someone I cared about a long time ago. I was supposed to protect him. It was my purpose. Loving him was an unexpected gift.” Cole looks down into his wine, swirling it against the glass. He lets go of a sigh before taking a sip. “I mourned him for a long time. I learned to live with grief. But I couldn’t find purpose again. It was like it always eluded me. So when this mission came up, I thought it would fill the void. At the very least, it would be a change. Maybe I still wanted to punish myself for failing to protect the one I loved.”

I spread my fingers and sweep them up and down through Urtur’s fur, watching as Cole spins his glass. A brief smile flashes across his face as his gaze stays caught in the ruby liquid, and I know he must be remembering some moment with this man from long ago. “Did you find what you were looking for? With your mission?”

Cole huffs a laugh. “Well, I found pain, that’s for sure. My time as a mortal was thankfully brief. There were some fun moments. Friends. Surfing. But a lot of terrible moments too. Like Eryx. Well, until that became a good thing, but that was a hard road for me to accept.”

“You almost sound like the Shadow Realm is better than your time as a human.”

“It is,” he says, and his conviction surprises me. His eyes anchor onto mine. “There’s horror there. There is. You know it too. You’ve felt it. But there’s also potential. It could be something different. It just needs to heal and find its purpose again.”

“How do you heal a place like that?”

“With love, Lu. One soul at a time. One beast at a time,” Cole says, gesturing with his glass toward Urtur whose head still rests comfortably on my lap. Cole’s smile has an uncomfortable amount of wisdom in it for looking so youthful. “One demon at a time.”

“I know where this is going. And first of all, he has loved before.”

“Not like you. And I don’t think he was ever loved in return the way that you loved him.”

“Christ, Cole,” I groan, running a hand down my face. I pull it away when I realize how much it smells like dog. “You have enough angel in you to be obsessed with shipping literally any couple no matter how fucked up they are, and enough demon in you to enjoy watching as they inevitably burst into flames and crash like a train wreck.”

Cole laughs. “Nah, Lu. I’m just telling you what I see. A demon tormented by love.”

I roll my eyes. I feel a blush burning its way up my neck and into my cheeks. Cole gives me a flicker of a smile and I look down into Urtur’s fur. “Neither of us knows that for sure. I mean, it’s not like we were even together that long.”

“You know as much as I do that a second of time can mean as much as a day or a week or even years.”

Fuck. I do know that, but I scowl at Cole anyway. “We don’t even know if this is all some great play for power. He doesn’t actually tell me how he feels. He never has. So whatever love you think you see in him could just as well be an illusion.”

“Come on, Lu. You kill him multiple times and yet he still comes back for you. He’s running around the Living Realm when he should probably be planning a war, but instead he’s threatening to turn people’s eyes into cake pops just because he’s worried about you. He could have brought you back to the Shadow Realm ten times over already, and yet he willingly hangs out with all kinds of immortals that pretty much despise him just to stay close to you. I mean, jeez, he even talks to Eryx, who’s technically his mortal enemy.”

“I don’t think threatening to rip Eryx’s wings off to feed them to Urtur counts as talking,” I say. Urtur’s tail swishes on the couch, and I’m not sure if it’s because I said his name or because he wants to snack on angel wings. “There is no proof that he does love me or anyone else except himself. And I’m not going to forgive him just because it would be good for the Shadow Realm. I owe him and his realm nothing. No offense.”

“Lu,” Cole says, drawing my name out long. He leans forward in his chair, resting his forearms on his knees. His eyes burrow right into me with his penetrating gaze. “I’m not saying any of this for his benefit or for the Shadow Realm. I’m saying it because I see how you’ve taken on the job of torturing yourself now. You are angry, and hurt, and you have every right to be. But I also saw the way you looked at Ashen when he burst into that room in Cairo. You wanted him there and yet you were angry with yourself for accepting what he offered. I don’t mean the blood, but the care and support. Am I right?”

I swallow a tightness that closes around my throat. I look away to the shadows in the corner of the room. I nod once.

“I get it, Lu. When Eryx first found me, I wanted nothing to do with his forgiveness. I didn’t want to feel his love, or my own. I was too angry with myself. I was too worried about making another mistake or about what I could lose. With time, I learned to give myself permission to feel these things.” Cole drains his glass and stands, crossing around behind my couch. He stops on his way to the kitchen and lays a hand on my shoulder, leaning closer to my ear. “You can give yourself permission to still feel love for him too. You don’t have to punish yourself for it. You don’t have to punish yourself for accepting it either. It’s okay to feel it all.”

I don’t turn to look at Cole. I don’t want him to see the tears that flood my eyes. But I put my hand on his and squeeze. I give a little nod before I look down into my wine, the base of the glass nearly hidden in the depths of Urtur’s fur.

Cole gives a kiss to the top of my head before he walks away. And I sit for a long time in the dark with the jackal, think about his words, about how to heal a broken realm. How to heal a broken soul, a broken heart. It happens one moment of love at a time.

If only I could let it heal me too.