Chapter 30

It was a week before any of us were allowed to see Addie. A week of sleepless nights. A week of hating myself for what I’d done. A week of gulping down bottle after bottle of chardonnay to forget how much I hated—or didn’t hate—Eliza.

Holland was hesitant to provide details over the phone; he said Addie was having an extremely difficult time with the transition—which I, of course, internalized as my fault. She’d agreed to come see Willa and me under strict conditions. We had to speak as softly as we could and were, under no circumstances, allowed to touch her unless she initiated contact first.

Willa and I sat stick-straight on the couch, vibrating with nerves while we waited. We listened to their matching steps on the stairs. It was strange; Addie’s heartbeat had always been faster than the average human’s, likely from the anxiety she carried around with her daily. Now, it sounded impossibly slow. I never would have known it was her at all if I hadn’t been waiting.

Wren put his hand on Willa’s knee, looking between both of us with a pointed glare. “Do not move until she does.”

We nodded and exchanged a nervous glance.

Wren stood and crossed the room to open the door a heartbeat before Holland and Addie made it to the door.

Red tears filled my eyes immediately at the sight of her, but I forced myself to remain where I sat. She looked like herself…except not at all. While her pretty brown eyes were overall brighter, they were wide with terror and darting around the room uncontrollably. Her skin appeared healthier, her hair redder, and her lips pinker. But she clung to one of Holland’s hands with both of hers.

She looked haunted.

“Addie-bug,” Willa whispered first, clutching my hand so tight I worried she would break bones.

Addie’s eyes flicked to us, and she looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Even though my eyes were solely on her, I could feel Holland watching over her shoulder—ensuring we followed the rules. I understood now why they were in place.

As a human, Addie was hypersensitive to every sensation, particularly touch and sound. As a vampire, everything was heightened, from the emotions to the senses. She was in her own level of hell.

Once again, it was my fault.

I wanted to run; I couldn’t face this. My room was only a dozen feet away, and I could be there with only a flash of movement. Then I could lock myself in and let myself scream, and scream, and scream.

Then, I caught my brother’s gaze over Addie’s shoulder, and he knew what I was thinking. Something darkened in his gaze, a warning for me to stay exactly where I was and face what I had done. I straightened and crossed my fingers in my lap.

Addie took a deep breath, looking down at where she clung to Holland’s hand. Ever so slowly, she released him, lifting his knuckles to her lips in a brush of a kiss before letting go of him entirely. I watched as she walked forward like a child taking their first steps. She lowered herself to the floor in front of Willa, who was frozen in place with wide eyes. Addie rested her arms and head on Willa’s lap. Willa carefully placed one hand on Addie’s back. When the new vampire didn’t flinch away, she lay over her, holding her with quiet sobs. She did not let go of my hand.

Addie raised her free hand, extending it toward me. I took it, shocked at how cool her skin felt. She squeezed, nodding at me once before closing her eyes and melting into Willa’s embrace.

Wren stood off the couch carefully, and I watched as he crossed the room to place his hand on Holland’s shoulder. Holland looked more exhausted than I’d ever seen him, dark circles beneath his bloodshot eyes. His skin was impossibly pale, and based on the mess that was his hair and his wrinkled clothes, he hadn’t showered in days. When Wren touched him, Holland leaned into the small comfort and let out a long, trembling breath.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” Holland whispered to Wren. “She was supposed to be ready. I was supposed to take care of her.”

“You are taking care of her,” Wren replied quietly. “She knows that.”

Holland shrugged and motioned for Wren to follow him. They stepped into Willa’s room and closed the door. I doubted Willa and Addie were listening—both wrapped up in their tears—but I listened.

“I can’t even touch her,” Holland whispered frantically, his voice broken in fragments. “She’s so overwhelmed by every sound, every smell—everything—that she’s in physical pain. I don’t know how to fix this.”

“We’ve talked before that Addie’s eventual transition would be difficult. You knew this,” Wren said gently. “She’s still Addie. She still loves you. You’re doing enough, Holland.”

I wiped away a fresh wave of red tears, looking down at Addie and Willa—my broken best friends.

“Why don’t you leave her here with us for a few hours? You need to eat something fresh, and may I suggest a shower?” Wren hummed.

Holland’s sharp breath indicated his hesitation.

“I’ll be here the entire time,” Wren said. “I won’t let anything happen to her. If she wants us all to sit silently in the dark, that’s what we’ll do. We have blood in the fridge if she wants it. We know her. We can take care of her.”

My brother let out his breath. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

They walked out of the room. Holland hesitated in the middle of the room, clearly conflicted about leaving Addie behind. My heart shattered for him. Addie raised her head as he approached, tilting her head. Holland kneeled next to her, but was careful not to touch her.

“If I step out for a bit, will you be okay here?” He asked.

She glanced around. “Yes,” she whispered. “I think so.”

“If you need to, call me and I’ll be right back,” he said, though I figured it was more for him than her.

To my surprise, Addie’s lips turned up in a sad smile. She placed a shaking hand on Holland’s cheek, and he leaned into her touch like it sustained him. “I’ll be brave, my love.”

He nodded, fighting tears as he turned his head to kiss her palm. “I’ll be back soon.”

Addie watched him go, waiting to lower her head back to Willa’s lap until after the door was closed.

No one said anything for a long time after that.

Holland returned a couple hours later. The four of us sat on the couch in the dark, watching the TV on mute. Addie sat between me and Willa, all of us under the same fleece blanket but none of us touching. Wren sat on Willa’s other side, keeping a watchful eye on the room while holding Willa’s free hand. Addie seemed content to watch the animated princess movie without sound, blinking slowly as she stared at the colors on the screen.

We all jumped when the lock turned in the door. Holland narrowed his eyes, like he wasn’t sure what to expect from the room, though he relaxed when he realized we were fine. He had a new blush to his cheeks and appeared to have showered—his hair was done and he wore a clean pair of clothes.

He set his keys carefully on the counter, walking across the room to lean over me and whisper in my ear, his anger barely contained. “Would you like to take care of what’s outside, or should I?”

Eliza.

I gulped. “I’ll take care of it.”

Holland’s hand closed around my arm when I moved to stand, tight enough to bruise. I blinked up at him. “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but if she comes near Adalyn again.” He didn’t finish his sentence; he didn’t need to.

“She’s nothing to me,” I said, standing. “Not anymore.”

Liar. Liar. Liar.

Holland released me, taking my spot next to Addie, who had watched the entire thing. She narrowed her eyes before taking Holland’s hand in both of hers and holding it in her lap.

I pulled on my shoes by the door, slipping outside and walking down the stairs. I already knew where I would find Eliza.

She sat on the bench across the street. She wore a wrinkled blue t-shirt with more red stains on the hem than I’d ever seen. Her hair was unwashed, and she was as pale as a ghost. Once, I might have worried about her appearance. Now, it took all my self-control not to tear her to shreds.

“What the fuck do you want?” I snarled as I approached.

She flinched at my hostility. I didn’t care. I wanted her to hurt like I did. “I wanted to see if you were okay,” she whispered, her voice broken and barely audible.

“If I was okay?” I scoffed, gripping the front of her shirt and hauling her to her feet. She cowered, her whole body trembling. “You killed my best friend. Do you think I’m okay?”

She shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Sophie. I don’t know what came over me.”

I dropped her, letting her fall to her knees on the concrete in front of me. “Get out of my life,” I roared. “I never want to see you again.”

She didn’t move, remaining on her knees in front of me and sobbing. “I’m so sorry.”

I shoved her. “I said go!”

She fell back, but still didn’t stand. “Please, kill me. I deserve it.”

I shook my head. “You don’t deserve my mercy. I thought I cared for you. I thought you had a place in my life, and you burned it all down. I want you gone. I want to know that you’re suffering in the aftermath of your choice.”

Eliza stumbled to her feet, clutching her stomach.

“Come back here again, and I’ll let my brother kill you once and for all,” I said coolly.

She grabbed her backpack off the bench and disappeared.

My eyes settled on the hotel stationery left on the bench, and I wrenched it off with the intention of tearing it to shreds. My name at the top caught my eye, and I sank onto the bench.

Sophie,

I know you won’t hear me out when I visit you today. I suppose you have every right to push me away now, but I have a few things I’d like to say.

First, I want you to know that every moment we spent together was real. Every kiss. Every touch. Every longing glance. There has never been a moment I didn’t want you.

I’m sorry it ended this way. I’m sorry I let my anger get the best of me. I’m sorry I’ve ruined the best thing I had going in my life.

I don’t expect your forgiveness. In fact, I will not ask for it because I do not deserve it. But I wanted you to know that I’m going to get help. I’ll see a doctor, a therapist, a psychiatrist—anyone who can help me be better and stop this from ever happening again.

I’ll be better for you.

Goodbye.

Eliza

I crumpled the note. When that wasn’t enough, I unfolded it and tore it to shreds, tossing the pieces in the nearest trash can.

All I’d ever asked of her was to be willing to get help—to get better.

And it took her killing my best friend and losing me forever to realize she needed help.

Eliza could get all the help she wanted; I would not be a part of it.

Thunder cracked overhead, covering the sob that escaped my chest. I raised my eyes to stare up at the darkening clouds and waited for the inevitable downpour. It started with a single raindrop on my cheek, then two. Three. Five. Ten.

The sky unleashed over me, soaking through my hair and pajamas in seconds. I dropped to my knees on the edge of the sidewalk, letting my bloody tears mingle with the raindrops pouring over my face.

One moment.

That was all it took for me to lose everything.

One moment was all it took, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.