Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

S amuel had hardly managed to sneak out of his study for a few minutes that evening, just enough to visit the healer's quarters, so he could see Gavin. His men had already given him reports on his friend's health, informing him straight away that the healer claimed he would recover well, but Samuel wanted to visit him himself, to make sure that he truly was fine.

Ever since the attack, he hadn't stopped thinking about his friend's fate.

The meeting with his council had been long and tedious, all of them trying to come up with a strategy for the attack that was sure to come. If MacLaine was bold enough to send his men after him like this, who was to say he wouldn't orchestrate an attack too, and soon?

There was too much unrest in and around his lands. There were too many feuds, too many lairds fighting each other. In all his years, he had never before seen such a thing, but now there was no avoiding the truth: war was coming.

As he stepped into the healer's quarters, though, Samuel pushed all that out of his mind, even if just for a short while. He was there to see his friend in the few minutes he could spare before he was inevitably discovered by his council.

Gavin was in one of the cots that were pushed up against the far wall. Samuel had never liked being in the healer's quarters, though the place was anything but unpleasant at first glance. The main room was large, giving the healer ample space to prepare her concoctions and have several beds for the sick and injured, and she had used every inch of space to store her books, her papers, and all the herbs she kept and dried indoors. Large windows let the sunlight in, but now the sky was a dark blue with veins of red running through it, the sun quickly setting in the horizon.

Samuel approached slowly, quietly, so as to not disturb Gavin in case he was sleeping. When he got close, though, Gavin opened his eyes and smiled at him, motioning at him to take a seat.

Grabbing a nearby chair, Samuel pulled it to Gavin's bed, forcing himself to smile back even though he hardly felt like it. Gavin had never looked worse—he was pale after losing so much blood, and though he was looking straight at Samuel, his gaze was glazed over and exhausted, as though he could hardly keep himself awake.

"Shall I leave ye tae rest?" he asked Gavin, who was quick to shake his head.

"Nay," he said. "I'm fine. An' I wished tae thank ye… I saw how ye put yerself between me lasses an' those men. Thank ye fer protectin' them. An' thank ye fer savin' me life. Without ye an' Nerian, I would be dead now."

"Ye dinnae need tae thank me," Samuel assured him with a wave of his hand. "Ye would have done the same fer me."

"Aye," said Gavin. "An' ye would have thanked me all the same."

Samuel could hardly argue with that. It was true. He would have spent days thanking Gavin, despite knowing they both saw it as their duty to keep each other and their loved ones safe.

"How are Alicia an' Katherine?" Gavin asked then, and Samuel didn't really know what to tell him. He hadn't seen the girls, hadn't had the time to speak to Alicia at all. "Were they scared? They must have been."

"They're tough lasses, both o' them," said Samuel. "I'm sure they were scared tae see ye like that, but they will be fine, especially since they ken yer well."

"I hope so," said Gavin with a sigh, as he let his eyes fall shut. "Ach, an' now we cannae even go tae Castle MacTavish until I heal. Dae ye think I should send them along with some guards?"

Samuel was quick to shake his head. He couldn't stomach the idea of Alicia marrying another man, and he had already made up his mind; he was going to talk to Gavin, explain to him that he had feelings for Alicia which had crept up to him without any warning, and that he hoped Gavin would give him a chance to make her happy, but this was not the time for such a conversation. He wanted him to heal first, to rest, as the shock of the revelation was bound to be a lot for him and the last thing Samuel wanted was to make his friend worse. For now, all he could do was advise him to keep his daughters close, to ignore any demands that his daughters be sent to Castle MacTavish alone, if such demands ever came from Laird MacTavish or the king. Surely, the two men would understand Gavin's situation was dire and he couldn't travel, and that Alicia and Katherine should not be travelling unaccompanied by their father. If nothing else, the attack had proven that they lived in dangerous times, and so it was best to take full precautions when travelling.

"I think ye an' yer daughters should stay here," Samuel said. "Ye ken ye can stay as long as ye need. There is nae rush."

"There is a rush when the king himself pushes fer this marriage," Gavin pointed out. "Ye ken that as well as I dae, Samuel, an' ye ken that soon the day will come when he will tire o' waitin'."

There was nothing Samuel could say, not when his plan was for Alicia to never marry Laird MacTavish; not when his plan was to go against the king's wishes entirely and possibly attract all of his wrath.

"Gavin, dinnae think about any o' that now," Samuel said gently, placing a hand on Gavin's shoulder. "Rest. I must attend another meetin' with me council, but I will be back tae see ye on the morrow."

"There is much tae be done, isnae there?" Gavin asked with a sigh. "Perhaps I can help ye with?—"

"The only way ye can help me now is by restin'," Samuel insisted. He knew all Gavin wanted was to be back on his feet, attending meetings, but the healer had given explicit orders that he was not to be moved from the cot. She would not even allow him to be transferred to private chambers while the wound was still so fresh, and stressed the importance of Gavin remaining still, precisely where he was.

"That is hardly helpful," Gavin protested, but made no move to stand, much to Samuel's relief.

"Trust me," Samuel said, standing. "It is tae me."

Once he left the healer's quarters, Samuel sat through another round of meetings and then had dinner—or rather was served some food, which he pushed back and forth on his plate, his appetite long gone. He had gone all day without eating, but he couldn't bring himself to stomach a single bite, not when worry had dug its talons into his guts, threatening to tear him in two.

When everyone else finally went to sleep, leaving Samuel alone, he decided it was time to see Alicia, or at least see if she was still awake. It was late, the moon high up in the sky casting its cold glow over the castle, but knowing her, he had a feeling she would be up, worrying about her father and the future.

Just as he had expected, when he knocked on her door, she was quick to open it, still dressed in day clothes as if she had no intention to sleep. The moment she saw him, she threw her arms around his neck and pulled him in a tight hug, one Samuel was quick to reciprocate, wrapping his own arms tightly around her waist.

She clung to him without making a sound. Samuel buried his face in her hair, whispering soothing words to her until she peeled herself off him, just enough for their gazes to meet.

"I was so concerned fer ye," she said. "I didnae see ye at all… were ye injured in the attack?"

"Only a little," said Samuel, showing her the wound on his forearm. The healer had tended to it after she was done with Gavin, and had assured him it would heal soon with no problems. "Dinnae fash about me. Did ye an' Katherine see yer faither?"

"Aye," said Alicia. "We saw him afore dinner. Did ye?"

"Aye. He looks well."

Alicia nodded silently, as though she didn't quite believe it. Samuel didn't quite believe it either and a part of him feared that despite the healer's assurances, his friend was not as well as they both claimed, but he had to have hope.

"Alicia…" Samuel said, and then his voice trailed off, uncertain of how to proceed. Alicia looked at him expectantly, a small frown between her brows. "I wish tae speak with ye. Can I come in?"

Glancing over her shoulder, Alicia shook her head. "Katherine didnae wish tae sleep alone, an' she's in bed," she said. "Nae here. Let us go tae yer rooms."

Nodding, Samuel took her hand and guided her to his chambers, lingering by the door as he led her inside. For a few moments, he only watched her as she took in her surroundings, visiting the room for the first time. It had little of Samuel in it—some clothes, some books, several papers. The rest of it, the rich, dark green tapestries and the large, four-post bed were all things that had been in there for generations.

Samuel's heart did a funny thing in his chest as he looked at Alicia in that room. It skipped a beat or two, and then a strange ache spread over his chest as though the mere sight of her was enough to ruin him. She looked like she belonged there. She looked like that was the place where she should spend all of her nights.

With a little hesitation, Alicia sat on the edge of Samuel's bed and he soon joined her, sitting by her side. There was so much he wanted to tell her—most of all he wanted to tell her how he felt, how much he loved her, but he struggled to get the words out. What was there he could say that could explain not only the force of his feelings, but also the conflict battling inside him?

He loved her, yes, and he had made up his mind that he would do anything in his power to be with her. Still, at the same time, the guilt lingered, and no matter how many times he or Nerian or even Alicia herself told him he was not a terrible man for feeling this way, he couldn't get the thought out of his head.

Tentatively, Alicia reached for Samuel's hand, lacing their fingers together. "What is it ye wished tae speak tae me about?"

If I dinnae say it now, I never will.

"Alicia, after that night at the loch, after I kissed ye fer the first time… ye must understand, I felt terrible," Samuel said, which perhaps wasn't the best way to start this conversation, but he needed to make sure Alicia knew that the guilt gnawed at him relentlessly. "An' then after the night we shared, I kept wonderin' if perhaps this was all a mistake, if I had done irreparable harm tae ye."

Alicia's expression hardened as she stared at him in disbelief. "I've told ye already, there is naething ye can dae tae me that I?—"

"Let me finish," Samuel said, interrupting her by raising a hand. "I really was concerned about ye an' about what I've done tae ye. I still am. But when those men attacked us, I couldnae ignore the truth anymore."

Frowning, Alicia pulled back from him, untangling their hands, but Samuel was quick to grab it again, holding her close. "I love ye, Alicia. I have always loved ye, but now I love ye like a man loves a woman an' there is naething I can dae tae change that. I have tried. I really have. I've tried tae avoid ye, I've tried tae keep me thoughts away from ye, I've tried everythin' I could, but I cannae deny it anymore. I love ye with all me heart an' all I want is tae make ye happy. I was so scared I would lose ye in that forest. I was so scared Colm MacLaine would take another from me or that I would die without ye kennin' how much ye mean tae me. So, I had tae say it. I had tae tell ye the truth. An' if ye love me, then ye'll make me the happiest man in the world, but if ye dinnae, that is also alright. I only wish fer ye tae be happy."

Alicia was stunned into silence, blinking at Samuel as though she could hardly believe what he had told her. Samuel could hardly believe it himself. He had spent so long in denial that finally confessing his feelings was like a weight lifting off his shoulders and he was finally freed.

"Dae ye mean it?" Alicia asked, her voice quiet and uncertain as though she didn't quite believe him.

"O' course I mean it," Samuel assured her. He reached for her, his fingers brushing a stray strand of hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. "The thought o' ye marryin' another man is enough tae destroy me, Alicia. I'll dae anythin' tae keep ye away from Laird MacTavish, I swear it."

Perhaps the king would be open to a marriage between him and Alicia, and a different kind of alliance between Clans MacTavish and MacLachlan. He only hoped that he wouldn't command a marriage between Laird MacTavish and Katherine; that would devastate not only the girl herself, but also Alicia and her father, and it would be no real solution to their problem. Samuel didn't want to condemn Katherine to such a fate.

"I love ye, Samuel," Alicia breathed, the words so soft and sweet that Samuel couldn't help but pull her close and kiss her, allowing himself to fully feel her love for the first time.