21

Jeremy welcomed the early morning light as it came streaking through the cracks in his curtains. He had barely slept, and when he had, his dreams had been fragmented and disturbing, affording him glimpses of a past which had always been a source of shame for him but now… God. They haunted him.

He had always known he had behaved badly but…Christ almighty. He had not had the faintest idea. Not the smallest notion of how devastated Emmeline had been left in the wake of his disgraceful behavior. Somehow, all these years, he had twisted everything to believe himself the injured party.

Selfishly, he had thought only of his own pain, being forced to marry Amanda. When he did allow himself to think fleetingly of her, he had imagined pretty Ballentine married to some far nicer and worthier man than he. A thought that had twisted his guts and made his gorge rise.

He had always been wildly jealous of that man. A man who would pamper her and give her a multitude of children, and the life that she deserved, while he, Jeremy, was stuck in a loveless marriage feeling sorry for himself. Was it any wonder he had never looked into what had become of Emmeline Ballentine?

Without thinking, he tightened his arms about her. She murmured something in her sleep, and he forced himself to slacken his hold. And all the while, that man had never existed. Instead, by some cruel twist of fate, her father had introduced her to an even worse suitor than himself.

Jeremy’s shoddy treatment had left her prey to that unprincipled swine who had then ruined her father’s business, destroyed her good faith, and wasted ten years of her life while he kept his wife and child on the sidelines. Jeremy wanted to kill him.

Worst of all, he knew he had treated her just as poorly. His reckless, indulgent conduct had broken her heart, as well as his own. He had always known he was unworthy of that starry gaze she used to bestow on him. He’d been so greedy for it though.

He’d always fooled himself that, once out of her sight, the scales would fall from Emmeline’s eyes and she would realize what a tawdry, worthless piece of shit he really was. The most he had ever hoped for was that on a cold night, she might secretly compare her dull, worthy husband’s kisses to his, and he might not come off the worst for it.

Now he knew why there was no fond reminiscing on her behalf. There was no mistaking the damage he had wrought upon her. Not after the storm of weeping she had endured the previous night. He had ruined everything between them. There could be no doubt why even her memories were destroyed.

No wonder she hated when he brought up their mutual history. It had been like sticking a knife into her every time. And he had done it so fucking thoughtlessly too. Repeatedly. He hated himself. Hated himself. He could barely stand to be inside his own skin this morning. What the fuck had he done?

She had not even come into his room to get those fucking letters, he realized now, too late. She had come to seek him out. The first time she had ever ventured his side of the door, and how had he reacted? By being a nasty, jealous prick, that was how.

He had seen fit to judge her feelings for her father, and had jibed at her, despite hearing at least a couple of things previously that had made him suspect her father was a nasty bastard too. Remembering how pretty and nervous she had looked in her new nightgown, her toes peeping out beneath the hem, he felt a fresh wave of scalding shame wash over him.

Well, she would never trust him like that again. She had locked the connecting door, and if there was any justice in this world, it would remain locked against him forevermore. He, Jeremy, had hugely fucked things up and not for the first time. Not by a long shot. He could almost cry, he realized, dragging a forearm over his tired eyes.

Great. Now he was sniveling, like the craven worm he was. How could he have spoken to her like that, and ruined everything with a few careless, unguarded words? So fucking stupid, he would never forgive himself. Everything had been perfect all day, and then like a fucking idiot, he had wantonly destroyed the progress he had made with her.

She had warned him, and he had not listened. He had not left the past alone and now he must face the consequences, he thought bleakly. As soon as he judged the hour advanced enough, he carefully set about disentangling himself from her.

He managed to get out of the bed by very careful maneuvering but no matter how carefully he moved about the room, her sleep was broken, and Emmeline awoke, lifting her head to regard him blearily.

“There’s no need for you to rise this early just because I am,” he reassured her, but she was having none of it, already sitting up and rubbing her red-looking eyes.

“I don’t want to scare your valet,” she said, reaching for her dressing robe.

“Simons would survive the shock,” he replied but she was already out of bed. “Promise me you won’t do too much this morning.” The strength of her passionate weeping the night before had almost scared him. Even though she had let him console her and hold her in his arms, he had been horribly conscious of his uselessness.

Suddenly, Emmeline lifted up the covers, looking from the mattress to him in consternation, her color draining away.

“What is it?” he asked quickly.

She covered her eyes with her hand. “I’m so sorry,” she said stiltedly. “To cap it all, it seems my monthly has arrived.”

“Monthly?” he repeated foolishly before comprehension dawned. “Oh…”

“Let me just… I’ll strip the bed,” she said quickly. “Don’t come any closer!” The last words sounded panicked.

“Emmeline,” he said gently. “All is well…”

She started to turn, then swung back around awkwardly. “Can you turn your back to me, please?” she asked with fragile dignity.

Jeremy hesitated, unsure what to do for the best. “Can’t I help?” he asked. “I’m not afraid of a little blood.”

“No!” Her answer was immediate and explosive. “I—I don’t want you to.” She stared down at her feet, her expression mortified. “ Please ?” she added in a desperate whisper.

Jeremy turned around, showing her his back. Immediately he heard her scrabbling about with the sheets. His chest hurt that she could not even trust him with this.

“I’m walking to the door,” she said, and he heard by her voice the direction she was moving in.

“The connecting door’s locked on your side,” he reminded her hoarsely.

“Oh! Oh yes…” Her footsteps faltered.

“No one will be in the corridor at this hour,” he assured her. “Not that it would matter, if they were,” he added quietly.

Emmeline took a ragged breath, and he heard her feet turn toward the other door. It swung open and he guessed she was peering out. Then he heard her footsteps hurrying down the corridor to her own room. Jesus . Just when he had thought he could not feel any worse.

He did not head to the racing stables once he was washed and dressed, but instead saddled up Cadmus and headed for Mina and Nye’s inn, which lay just outside Penarth. It did not feel right to continue with his usual routine. Not on a day like this, when his life lay around him in ruins.

On arrival, he stabled his horse and walked straight through the inn to the back rooms where he found his half siblings at breakfast in their private parlor. They greeted him cordially and Nye bade him “pull up a chair.”

They did not offer him tea, as he never could abide the stuff, instead Mina slipped out to request a pot of coffee for him. Jeremy asked after his nephew, who, according to Nye, had screamed like a banshee till the early hours and was now giving them a moment’s respite.

“You look as though you slept worse than us, by the dark circles under your eyes,” Mina observed, sitting back at the table. “Edna will bring your coffee shortly.” Jeremy maintained a stony silence.

“Well, he is a newlywed,” Nye pointed out. When Jeremy could not return his smirk, he sat up a little straighter in his seat, and shot a look at his wife.

“Is all well up at Vance Park?” Mina asked, lowering her teacup.

Jeremy shook his head and Nye whistled. “You can’t have made a mess of things already!”

“I would not be so sure about that,” Jeremy responded gravely.

Mina opened her mouth but closed it again when the door opened, and their sour-faced maid Edna sailed in with a pot of coffee which she thumped down in front of Jeremy. “Thanking you kindly for my bit of wedding cake, milord,” she said, and Jeremy realized he was in her good graces for once.

“You’re most welcome, Edna,” Jeremy responded, and she bobbed him a curtsey.

“Will there be anything else, Mrs. Nye?”

Mina thanked her maid and assured her they had everything needed.

“Do you suppose she put it under her pillow?” Jeremy asked as soon as Edna retreated.

Mina shook her head. “Edna dreams of Crown Derby tea sets, not husbands. Corin told me she was going to put her piece under her pillow though.”

“What the devil are you two talking about?” Nye asked, helping himself to another piece of toast. Mina explained the superstition to him. “Well, why does Corin need dream about her future husband when she’s been engaged to Ed Herney for nigh on twelve months? She knows his face well enough.”

Mina rolled her eyes. “It’s just a bit of girlish fun.” She turned resolutely to Jeremy. “Now, tell us what is troubling you. It is to do with Emmeline, I take it,” she said forthrightly. “What has gone wrong precisely?”

“Nothing’s gone wrong, exactly,” Jeremy began. “I’m beginning to think I started things on entirely the wrong footing with her.” The worst of it was, he did not know where to even start with the retelling. Should he begin with his most recent disaster or that fateful season ten years ago?

It slowly dawned on him that despite seeking out his siblings, he was hardly in a position to lay his soul bare to them. He did not know if either of them would be prepared for how just how rotten it really was.

“I’ve backed myself into a corner where she is concerned,” he said instead. “And we’re, well, not at liberty to discuss things frankly.”

“Why not?” Mina asked with a frown.

What could he answer to that? Jeremy struggled for a moment. “We once had a conversation where we agreed to be frank in that moment, but then be nothing but polite to one another forever afterward.” That was true in any event.

“What the hell did you want to make a bloody stupid promise like that for?” Nye asked bluntly.

Mina gave him a speaking look and his brother folded his arms with an expression of long-suffering but otherwise held his tongue. “And the moment of frankness?” Mina asked encouragingly. “How did you spend that?”

“Errr…” Jeremy cast his mind back to that conversation in Hutton’s tea shop where he had outlined what he wanted from a wife.

“By telling her a load of lies,” Nye said damningly. “What?” he said in answer to his wife’s unspoken exasperation. “It’s written all over his face!”

Jeremy colored. “I told her I intended to marry her,” he began defensively, “and I meant that part alright.” Nye scoffed.

“Nye! This is hardly helpful,” Mina said sternly, then turned back to Jeremy. “Is that when you told Emmeline your true motive in marrying her?” she asked gently. “I must say, even though I believe in perfect truth between husband and wife, I think that was a misstep.”

Jeremy frowned at her. “What are you talking about?”

“Do you mean to tell me,” Nye interrupted them, “that with all your fancy schooling, Faris, you told a woman you were marrying her purely because you wanted her in your bed?”

Mina spluttered. “Nye!” she protested.

“I mean, he made it pretty damned obvious! Did you not see the way he was watching her that night? Like a bloody hawk.”

“Of course I never told her that!” Jeremy said hotly before turning back to his sister. “What exactly do you mean by ‘my true motive.’ Mina?” he asked.

“There is no need for reticence on the subject,” Mina answered in level tones. “Emmeline told me of it herself.”

“Told you what?”

“That you married her at Teddy’s request.”

“At Teddy’s…?” Jeremy regarded his sister speechlessly.

Nye gave an explosive snort. “Is that what you told her? What a load of bollocks!”

“Nye, I really will not tolerate that kind of language in my private parlor,” his wife told him firmly.

His brother leaned back in his chair, casting an indulgent look at his wife. “I’ve said my piece, I’m content.”

Mina turned back to Jeremy. “Clearly, your wife took what you said too much to heart,” she continued, “and doubtless she now thinks your affections are not at all engaged. Really, I cannot say that I blame her one bit, you have handled this very poorly, Jeremy.”

“That’s not why I married her! I never said it was for Teddy’s sake…” His words trailed off as he thought about it. It was true he had never used that justification that morning in Hutton’s but that was why he had renewed their acquaintance in the first place.

Could he really blame her if she had taken that as his primary motivation in marrying her? Now that he considered it, he did think she had said something along those lines just before she asked him to never mention the Hawfords’ ball again.

What was it she had said? He went over the moment in his mind. He had asked her if she would rather he never spoke of their shared past together and she had replied, I could hardly ask that of you, not when the very reason you married me was to reassure your son on that score. He cursed aloud, making his sister wince.

God, last night was far from his only blunder, he realized belatedly. He had been hurt, annoyed that Emmeline did not want to hear him reminiscing, so he had not addressed it as he should have at the time. “I’ve been such a blind fool ,” he groaned.

“What did you tell her, then? About wanting to marry her,” Nye asked narrowly. “That’s what I want to know.”

“A lot of things I thought she would find more palatable than the truth,” he admitted.

“Such as?” Mina probed.

“That I wanted a wife who would be content living quietly in the country,” he said vaguely.

“Well, that’s not so bad,” Nye said bracingly. “You probably do want that, don’t you? It’s about time you settled down.”

Jeremy shrugged a shoulder. “Not really. I should not mind the odd jaunt to town still, if only she would deign to join me.”

“Listen,” his brother said, leaning forward, “what you need to do is forget all this ‘politeness ever after’ stuff and have it out with her, lay your cards on the table and clear the air.”

“It’s not that simple,” Jeremy admitted. “As I said, there are reasons…certain episodes in our past that I have promised never to revisit with her. When I’ve tried, it has not gone well.” He almost shuddered. “I’ve made things palpably worse between us.”

“Jeremy has wronged Emmeline in the past,” Mina explained patiently to Nye. “He needs to tread very carefully, not blunder about like a bull in a china shop.”

Jeremy looked up quickly. “What did she tell you?”

“Very little. I picked up an inference, that was all. I’m right though, aren’t I?”

“Who hasn’t he wronged in the past?” Nye asked dryly. “That just makes her one of the family as far as I’m concerned. What did you do? Ruin her?” Mina gasped.

“No! Not that… Well, maybe socially,” Jeremy admitted wretchedly. “I spoiled her marriage prospects and made a disaster of her London season. I courted her, quite openly, then turned around and married Amanda. I exposed her to public ridicule and private condemnation. I was incredibly selfish. I hurt her. Beyond forgiveness. Beyond repair.”

They all three sat quietly for a moment, until Nye spoke. “Well, that was probably your biggest mistake,” he said heavily. “That first marriage of yours.”

“That was not my mistake, as it happens,” Jeremy retorted. “I had no say in the matter. I was informed on my twelfth birthday of the betrothal.”

Nye shrugged. “The lords of Faris have always been high-handed,” he said pointedly. “I don’t remember getting much choice either. Luckily, you picked better for me than your father did for you.” He exchanged a look with his wife, reaching over to take her hand in his.

Jeremy was taken aback. “I’m nothing like him,” he said in surprised accents.

“Never said you were.”

“Well, he was your father too.”

Nye shook his head. “No, he wasn’t. Not in any way that counted. It was Jacob Nye raised me. Shame he didn’t have a hand in raising you as well.”

“Maybe if he had, I would have turned out a sight better than I did,” Jeremy agreed.

Nye gave a grim smile. “He’d have taken a stick to you. He always said you were wild.”

“Did he?” Jeremy wasn’t really surprised by this. “I always rather liked old Jacob. He never complained about my bar tab.”

“He always said you were good for it.” Nye gave him a level look. “And you always were.”

“Eventually,” Jeremy agreed. “Do you know one time, he said I was too drunk to ride my horse home and had that old groom of his dunk my head in the water trough. The old devil damn near drowned me.”

Nye chuckled. “Old Sam Teague? Bet he would have enjoyed that.”

Jeremy pulled a face. “No doubt. He never had much time for me, did Samuel. Thought me quite the spoiled young lordling.”

“It was him taught me to box.”

“I know. I was always far more interested in your life than you were in mine.”

Nye regarded Jeremy steadily for a moment. “You are worth knowing as it happens,” he said abruptly.

Jeremy was surprised. “What makes you say that?”

“The boy.” Nye paused. “ Your boy. The way you are with him. If I ever compared our lives in the past, I soon realized I got the better bargain. You’re ten times the father to your son than the old lord was to you.”

Jeremy swallowed. “Thanks,” he said hoarsely.

“But I’m a much better husband,” Nye said cheerfully.

Mina leaned forward at this point. “What was the unpalatable truth you spoke of before, Jeremy?” she asked quietly. “The real reason you proposed marriage to Emmeline.”

“That I love her,” he admitted. “That I have always loved her, even when I was cruel and thoughtless and made her life a misery. That she’s the only person I ever truly wanted at my side.”

“Then you need to show her that’s how you feel,” Mina said earnestly. “If you can’t speak of it, then you need to demonstrate this to her, in ways other than words. Be considerate of her fears, of her dreams, of her likes and dislikes. Be patient, and she will learn that she can put her trust in you. These things take time, and in the meantime, instead of spoiling her with material things, think of ways you can make her new life easier.”

“Such as?”

“Oh, a hundred ways, I daresay. Be kind to that little friend of hers, Miss Pinson,” she suggested. “It’s plain she values her highly.”

Jeremy nodded, but he had already been kind to Hannah Pinson, hadn’t he? A little voice whispered in his ear that all he had really done was try to isolate Emmeline from her one true friend. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“I don’t just mean to take her shopping, or on excursions or day trips, Jeremy,” his sister stressed. “You need to make her feel an important part of your everyday life. That’s what Nye did for me.”

For a moment, Nye looked as though he would speak, only to change his mind and lapse back into brooding silence.

“And how would you suggest I do that exactly?” Jeremy asked, a pucker between his brows.

“Introduce her to your friends and neighbors,” Mina said promptly. “Help her establish her own life here in Penarth. Real life is not all picnics and walks in the park, Jeremy. She needs to feel that your connection is genuine, so that she can learn to trust in you.”

Trust , Jeremy thought, thinking she would not even trust him to see her bloodied nightgown. Suddenly, he remembered Emmeline had said something else that morning in Hutton’s tea shop. It makes me fear that once again, this is all just a grand jest to you, and that I am once more the butt of the joke. That you, my lord, are not remotely in earnest.

He swallowed and nodded slowly. “That makes sense,” he said, his throat rather dry. He reached for the coffeepot. “Thank you.”

He stayed for a while drinking coffee, and hearing about Nye’s next boxing event at the inn, a topic that none of them had thought fit to raise previously at Vance. Jeremy was thoughtful on his ride home, reflecting on mending fences. It did not matter how long it took, forever if necessary.

He turned up at the stables two hours late and Masterson looked at him rather askance as he had missed a good deal that morning. Amyas had already had his hour and a half’s exercise, for he worked better first thing, having an inclination to turn lazy as the day wore on.

“They neither of them have Bucephalus’s work ethic,” Masterman grumbled.

Jeremy agreed, but he watched Atalanta being put through her paces all the same, calling out encouragement to her handlers. After this, he watched the last two horses, only recently acquired and both showing distinct promise. “The dark bay’s shaping up well,” he observed, and Masterman’s face visibly brightened.

“We could have a future champion yet,” he said cheerfully. “Wait and see.”

With an eye on the time, Jeremy returned to the house at twelve, uncertain if the plans he had previously made with Emmeline would still stand. Would she be at the beach, or would she have forgotten all about it after everything that happened?

He washed and changed, and after looking in at the dining room, which he found empty, Jeremy headed to the stable and collected Cadmus, making this time for the private beach.

Jeremy’s spirits soared when he spotted the groom leaning against the empty landau with a bored look on his face. He straightened up on seeing his master approach.

“Can you take Cadmus?” Jeremy asked, dismounting and passing his reins to the man.

“Of course, milord.”

He heard the laughter even as he clambered over the dunes and beheld the little party sitting on the brightly checked blanket. The sun was shining, Emmeline was wearing a new dress of primrose yellow, and he hoped to God it would be easy to pretend for a couple of hours that all was well with the world.

“Here you are,” she said, looking up with a valiant attempt at a smile. “We brought the picnic hamper with us. Mrs. Oxley has prepared us an outstanding lunch.”

“Ah, excellent.” Jeremy dropped down beside her, briefly touching her ankle by way of greeting. He was too scared she might flinch if he tried to kiss to her cheek. “Hello, Miss Pinson,” he greeted her friend, who was sitting shielding her eyes from the sun. “I hope you have spent a pleasant morning.”

“Oh yes, my lord,” she answered happily, and he realized Emmeline could not have confided in her what a swine he had been.

“I’ve brought along my cricket set, Papa,” Teddy volunteered.

“Have you? Then we must certainly have an innings.”

They ate sandwiches and drank lemonade under the blue sky, and after eating, he and Teddy introduced Emmeline and Miss Pinson to beach cricket.

Miss Pinson could not catch a ball to save her life and Emmeline could not hit one. Still, by the time they all flopped back down on the blanket an hour later, they were panting and smiling, even if a shadow lurked in Emmeline’s eyes whenever they rested on him.

“Papa?” Teddy said suddenly. “Are you sad today?”

“Sad? Not at all!” he said heartily, sitting up and reaching for a bottle of water. “How could I possibly be sad on a day such as this? Just look at this glorious sunshine. Why, it’s as warm as a day in July!”

He had a horrible feeling his words lacked conviction but luckily for him at this moment a thunderclap sounded, and they all scrambled to their feet.

“Rainclouds!” Teddy shouted, pointing to the sky as Jeremy and Emmeline started gathering up their things.

“Oh dear, oh dear,” Miss Pinson muttered, making a grab for the cricket stumps. “And the hood is down on the landau too! We shall all get wet through! I’m sure there is going to be a storm.”

Glancing sideways at Emmeline as he took her elbow, Jeremy hoped for the contrary. It would be nice to think that the worst of the storms was already over with.