Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

" I won't need any help this morning, Eliza," Thalia informed her maid, still lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

The young woman, who had already begun to set out her mistress's things, hesitated. "Is everything all right, my lady?"

Thalia closed her eyes against the lie she was about to tell. Well, perhaps it wasn't entirely a lie. She truly did not feel right. But it had nothing to do with her stomach. "I am unwell. I think I shall stay in bed today."

"Oh, my lady!" Eliza was at her side in a moment.

Already regretting having lied to such a patient and kind young woman, Thalia managed to look at her. Eliza had been with Thalia for several years now. She had always been a hard worker and a compassionate confidant. "Would you like the day off?" she asked her.

Eliza's eyes widened. "But, my lady, if you are ill, I shall be needed here all the more."

Thalia shook her head, her braided hair rustling slightly against the fabric on her pillow. "I do not think that I will be up to eating much today, Eliza. Nor will I be going anywhere. If you leave me a little something to drink before you go, I shall be perfectly content to stay here all day. I shall most likely fall asleep the moment you go."

The hope that flickered in Thalia's eyes, made the elder Fletcher sister all the more insistent that her maid take the day off. No one had earned it more than Eliza. Besides, Thalia would rather be alone today.

After a little more convincing – but not very much – Eliza agreed to take the day to herself. She surprised Thalia again when she brought her a jug of water and a glass from the kitchen. "My lady, how long do you think it would take to walk back to your manor?"

"To Seton Estate?" Thalia was entirely taken aback. Eliza nodded. "It would take several hours I would imagine," Thalia replied confusedly. "Are you going to attempt doing such a thing?"

As Eliza hesitated, Thalia made a decision. "If you are, you might as well take our carriage. I am sure the footmen will not mind. Go and find Thomas –" she caught herself. Thomas had been left behind at the estate this time. "Speak with Phillip. He would be happy to take you to Seton for a day trip."

Eliza nodded gratefully. "Have you left something behind?" Thalia could not help but ask.

As her maid bit her lip, Thalia waited. "Yes," she murmured after a moment. "It would be nice to go back and fetch it. Forgive me, I did not pack well for our trip."

"If there is anything I have that you would like to borrow –"

"Oh no, my lady, that is very kind of you to offer, but I couldn't."

"Very well." Thalia was not sure she believed Eliza. She did not think the maid was up to anything nefarious, but she got the strange sensation that there was more to this story than she was letting on. "Go and speak with Phillip. If possible, would you be able to be back here by nightfall?"

"Oh yes, of course." Eliza bobbed a curtsey and hurried out of the room.

Thalia watched her go for a moment. Curious . As she laid back on her pillow, she was almost grateful for the momentary reprieve that Eliza had given her; she could contemplate what Eliza was up to, instead of focusing on her own dreary situation.

But it would not last for long. Snatches of the sensations she had felt last night, flickers of images from her tryst with Benedict in the gardens, came washing over her with a vengeance.

She groaned and pressed a pillow down over her face. If she could, she would smother out the memory of the whole thing.

An angry knot of guilt had been twisting itself into her chest ever since she had woken up this morning. Indeed, it could almost make her feel ill if she let it. But she most certainly did not have the strength to face anyone today. Let alone the duke.

It was not that Thalia regretted the encounter. Far from it. In actuality, the fact that she did not regret what she had allowed Benedict to do, was exactly why she was now feeling guilty.

Selina was taken with the man. Even if Selina was to discover that the duke was not right for her, she would not have approved of what Thalia had done.

No, Selina would be furious with her! Had not Thalia allowed Benedict to do one of those things with her, which Thalia feared he would do with Selina? Sure, Thalia had very little reputation to lose, compared to her younger sister, but Selina would not see that difference. She would only call Thalia a hypocrite.

And, to top it all off, Thalia was only beginning to suspect why she had even entertained such a rendezvous with the duke. He had made her feel relaxed in his company last night: he had not only entertained her with stories of his travels but had listened as she confessed to him the struggles of carrying her particular burdens. That was what had allowed her to let down her guard with him for the first time.

This did not mean that she had feelings for him. No, far from it. He was still untrustworthy and a cad. But what he offered her in the maze – a taste of a world she had never, nor would ever get to see – had been more than alluring.

Even now, Thalia's heart began to race as she remembered the touch of Benedict's body and the desire he had stoked within her with both hand and mouth.

She, a spinster, would never be allowed to engage in anything physical with a man. Intimacy was only allowed between a wife and her husband, something she would never have. But there, hidden away in the dark, Thalia had experienced it all the same. And the most horrifying part of all of it? She had loved it. She had loved every moment of it.

Overcome by the memory of it, Thalia closed her eyes and recalled the sensations of Benedict's lips on her leg, trailing a burning line up her calf, knee, and thigh.

Instinctually, Thalia slipped her hand under the covers. She drew her fingers down her stomach and around to her hip, then hiked up the bottom of her nightgown. As her hand moved to the top of her thigh, she remembered the feeling of Benedict's kiss there. She moved again, bringing her fingers to the now burning core between her legs. Thalia let out a little gasp.

It was a new world, one which Thalia had been ignorant of all this time. As she tried to replicate Benedict's movements from the night before, she could think of nothing but the heat of his touch and the delicious freedom of his commands.

She relaxed into the movements of her fingers – of his fingers – his words repeating over and over in her head, spurring her on: Good girl.

All of a sudden, a knock at the door made Thalia all but jump out of bed. "Who is it?" she gasped, sitting up and trying to tame the heat in her cheeks.

"It's me. Selina."

Thalia swallowed. "Come in."

As Selina opened the door and spotted her sister still in bed, the young woman frowned. "What is the matter?"

"Good morning to you too."

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that." Selina crossed to perch on the edge of the bed, eyeing her sister. "Is something wrong? Are you unwell?"

"I do not feel quite right. It is nothing pressing, but I think I will stay in bed today," Thalia confessed. This was not exactly a lie. She was just omitting some of the truth.

Selina glanced around. "Where is Eliza?"

"I gave her the day off."

"What?"

Thalia shrugged. "I do not need her today. I decided she might as well have some time to herself."

Selina shook her head. "You are far too generous, Thalia. You make the rest of us look bad."

As Thalia searched her sister's face, she noted that there was no jealousy or condemnation in the statement. In fact, Selina was looking back at her appreciatively. She opened her mouth to reply, but Selina continued.

"Well, I shall be your maid today, then. If you have need of anything, ring and I shall come and attend you."

"You really needn't –"

"No, I want to." Selina looked down at the hands in her lap. She sighed. "I came here to apologize to you."

Confused, Thalia waited for an explanation.

"I have been ungrateful. And my behavior has been far more like that of a child than a young woman." She raised her head to meet Thalia's gaze. "You have been trying to protect me, and I have only pushed you away. I was angry, I think because it felt as if our family's future was dependent entirely upon me. But now I see that you have been the one shouldering the burden. You have only been trying to do what was best for me. And I met your efforts with nothing but ingratitude."

Instantly, tears welled up in Thalia's eyes. Selina could not know how fervently Thalia had wished to hear such words; to simply have her sister see that all Thalia had done had been to help her sister, not hurt her.

But with such relief came the hard, cruel reminder of last night. Staring into her sister's eyes, Thalia reminded herself that Selina liked Benedict. She, who had been unable to drum up a grain of interest for any of the men in the ton , had finally found a man that she thought she might be able to love.

And what had Thalia gone and done? Remembering again her desperate pleas for more , tucked away in the gardens, Thalia's stomach flipped angrily, mixing guilt with nausea.

Benedict had initiated, but Thalia had gone willingly along.

She felt dirty.

Overcome, Thalia did not reply. Selina pressed a hand over hers, squeezing it gently. "I was angry with you because you were taking our mother's place. My anger was misplaced," Selina admitted, sounding, finally, like the sweet, maturing sister Thalia knew and loved. "I was angry that our mother was taken from us. Angry, that she was not here to help me find a husband. I should not have been angry at you."

"I am angry too," Thalia managed. She pressed her other hand over Selina's. "It is unfair that we lost our mother. Unfair that we have been made to navigate these things without her."

"But you have taken most of that burden," Selina insisted. "And I have repaid your help with hostility and childishness."

"Well, you are my baby sister," Thalia chuckled, a tear spilling down her cheek. "You are entitled to a little immaturity every once in a while."

Selina laughed, but Thalia could not join in. Instead, she reached out and pulled her sister into an embrace. "She would be proud of you, you know," Thalia murmured after a moment. "You have grown into a strong-willed, independent woman but, more importantly, a compassionate and open-hearted one. I am only trying to see that no one takes advantage of that."

As Selina pulled back, Thalia reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her sister's ear.

"You have to trust me a little more," Selina said gently. "I know how to handle myself. And I know the signs of bad intentions."

Thalia's heart sank. She feared she knew what Selina was about to say.

"His Grace has given me no reason to distrust him," Selina continued. She was not angry. Nor was she overly insistent. She was simply trying to be honest with her older sister. Simply trying to be heard. Therefore, with deepening shame, Thalia listened.

Selina shifted, glancing out the window on the far side of the room. "He has been curious and funny. Entirely honorable too. And, Thalia, he is interesting." She cast an almost pleading glance back at Thalia. "I think he might be a man that I could love. A man who is interesting as well as able to provide for me. Don't you want me to marry a man that I can feel more for than mere tolerance?"

Thalia's guilt was vengeful. Of course, that was what she wanted for her sister. She wanted every happiness in the world for Selina. But what would her younger sister say if she knew what Thalia and Benedict had done together only last night?

Shame and remorse nearly closed up Thalia's throat. She had been selfish and na?ve, thinking that her actions would not have consequences.

"I am not asking you to like him," Selina pressed gently, pulling Thalia from her spiral of guilt, only to make her feel even worse. "But can you trust me enough to give His Grace a chance? To let him prove himself worthy of being a husband?"

What else could Thalia do but nod? And so she did.

Selina's smile was the last nail in the coffin. Thalia could hardly look her sister in the eye. "Thank you! I promise I will be wary. I know you worry about me, but I can see things for myself. If His Grace ever gives me a reason to doubt his sincerity or goodwill, then I will dismiss his courtship."

Again, Thalia could only nod.

Leaning closer, Selina pressed a kiss to her sister's forehead. "Now rest," she instructed Thalia. "And ring for me if you need anything."

With renewed energy, Selina sprang from the room. Thalia knew exactly whom she would seek out, the moment she was out of the room.

Benedict.

Nothing in the world could have made Thalia face him today. Her guilt alone would have sent her fleeing any room that he was in. But now, with her new promise to Selina, Thalia would have to treat him cordially. She would have to pretend that she had not been overcome with desire out there in the gardens.

What a mess she had stumbled into! No, not stumbled, stepped into , willingly. She had been selfish, putting herself before her family. Never again. It was time for Thalia to stop shirking her responsibilities and get back to the role she was meant to play.

She would stay as far away from Benedict as possible.

Thalia did not trust herself around him anymore. Nor did she think her guilt would allow her to look him in the eye. She would take a step back and allow Selina to do what she wished.

Her little sister deserved a little more trust. Selina could observe her from afar, without making another mistake like the one she had made the previous night.

And, with any luck, His Grace would show Selina his true self. The roguish cad who was in no way deserving of a woman like her.

Then all of this would be over. They would move on from him and find Selina a superior, far better-suited husband.

But until then…

Burying her head in her pillow once more, Thalia decided that she was indeed sick. She felt terrible.