Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

T he second the carriage pulled in front of the stone walls of the Cookes' London home, Lilian almost let out a sigh of relief. The sight of the dark brown stone felt like a balm to her soul.

She gave her mother a tight smile. "Mother, I must admit, my head is still bothering me quite a bit."

Rachel sighed. "You poor dear. Why don't you go lie down for a bit? I'll have someone bring a tray to your room for dinner. That way, you can get some rest."

"Father won't be disappointed to miss me at dinner?"

"I'll let him know you feel unwell. If you're worried, you can make it up to him by spending some time with him tomorrow morning."

Lilian smiled. "Thank you, Mother."

She all but ran to her room. The second the door was shut behind her, she let out a shaky breath.

As she paced around the small space, furnished in pale wood and baby blue furnishings, Lilian found herself wondering how much longer she could manage to keep this up. She paused by her birch wood writing desk. She wished she had a friend she could reach out to, someone she could talk to. Surely, she couldn't be the only lady to feel this way?

None of this was how she thought her life would go. She sat on the small stool with its silk cushion at her writing desk with a sigh.

None of this felt like the fairytale she'd been expecting.

Lilian found herself drawn back to the tales her mother always told her about her own Season.

When Lilian and Matthew were young, their parents would often tell the story as the family sat together in the parlor. She couldn't have been more than ten at the time. Matthew had just turned seven.

Solomon and Rachel were sitting on a small dark red sofa. The pair was so close that the skirt of Rachel's dress draped over his thigh. Lilian and Matthew sat at their feet. Matthew had a few blocks he was toying with, but Lilian looked up at them. Her attention was fixed on every word falling from her mother's lips.

"I was in my first Season when I met your father." Rachel gave a dreamy smile as the memories crept in. "It was my first ball, actually. I never would have dreamed I'd meet the man who would become my husband so fast."

"I can still picture the way you looked the moment you stepped into the ballroom in that emerald green dress." Solomon took her hand. "You were more dazzling than the diamonds around your neck, my darling. The second you stepped into the room, every eye was drawn to you. No one had ever seen a more beautiful sight."

She giggled. "You are too sweet, my sweet."

"I saw her from across the hall and was immediately taken with her. I asked around until I found someone who could make the appropriate introductions. It seemed like I had to ask everyone I knew, but finally, I got her name. Rachel. So, I asked her for a dance."

"Unfortunately, my mother had ensured I'd have a full dance card for my first ball."

"But I wasn't discouraged. Every time she stepped off the dance floor, I swooped in. If we couldn't dance, we could at least talk."

"And that was more than enough. By the time I went home that night, I was utterly besotted."

"As was I."

"Then what happened?" Lilian bounced. She knew the answer. She'd heard it before, but it always just made her so excited.

"I went to call on her the next day." Solomon leaned closer to his daughter. "And I danced with her as often as was appropriate. I was on her dance card every night, sometimes multiple times a night when appropriate. A few months later, I asked for her hand."

Lilian gasped.

Rachel chuckled. "We had a short engagement. We were both just so in love that we couldn't wait to start our lives together. My mother was disappointed that she didn't even have a month to plan, but it was the best decision I ever made."

"I couldn't agree more, darling."

"Daisy," Rachel called out to the children's governess.

The woman came forward in her simple back dress. "Yes, My Lady?"

"Can you take the children to the nursery for the evening? Lord Cooke and I are going to go into the gardens for a walk."

"Yes, My Lady. Come on, children."

Daisy took their hands, and Lilian and Matthew were taken back to their nursery. Lilian couldn't help the way she chattered as they walked along.

"I can't wait until I get to go to balls!" she gushed to her governess. "I just know I'm going to have a great love story of my own."

"I'm glad you are so excited, but there's no need to rush. You'll be there before you know it, so you should enjoy your childhood."

"What's there to enjoy?" She pouted. "All I do is wait around until I'm old enough to make my debut. That's when my life will really begin!"

"Of course."

"Why else would they make a point to tell us their story every month? It will be the most important time of my life."

"I'm sure you will be very beautiful when the time comes, but for now, try and get some sleep."

"How am I supposed to sleep after this?"

"I'm sure you will manage."

As she lay there, Lilian couldn't help but imagine herself in beautiful gowns, swirling around the dance floor with a myriad of gentlemen as she searched for her true love.

Now, it seemed more and more likely that it simply was never going to happen for her.

Maybe it didn't happen for anyone.

Maybe what her parents got was simply a fluke.

A stroke of luck or strike of lightning.

And they do say lightning never strikes the same spot twice, so why would love bless the same family two generations in a row?

She spent a few hours wallowing, slumped on her bed. At some point, a maid knocked on the door.

Lilian let her in.

"Lady Cooke asked me to bring you dinner," the maid said, setting a tray in front of her with simple food. "She also asked me to see if you needed any medicine or herbs."

Lilian shook her head. "I'll be all right. I simply need rest, but thank you."

"The cook made roast potatoes. She said they are always a favorite of yours."

Lilian smiled. "They are. Please thank her for me."

"Of course, Ma'am." The maid bobbed a quick curtsy and then left her alone.

Lilian sighed, perching on the edge of her bed. She picked at the thick slice of bread, and even managed a few small pieces of chicken, but she found she didn't have an appetite.

She sighed.

If she was honest, she knew what she truly wanted—no, needed to feel better.

Once the sun was starting to set, she knew she needed to get out of there. Getting to her feet, she slipped down the hall. Every now and then, she glanced around to make sure no one had seen her. Finally, she found herself knocking on her brother's door.

After a moment, Matthew answered the door. When he saw her face, he frowned, crossed his arms, and rolled his eyes. "Not tonight," he huffed out.

"Oh, come on! Why not?"

He scoffed. "Didn't you have a headache you needed to nurse? You didn't seem to be in a fit state when you came home. Heavens, you even missed dinner. And we had roasted potatoes! That simply isn't like you, Sister dear."

"Yes, I was feeling quite poorly when we initially returned, but I assure you, I am feeling much better now! In fact, I think the only thing I need to feel back to normal is a little bit of fresh air. What do you say?"

He crossed his arms with a deep sigh before shaking his head. "I already told you. The answer is no."

"Come now," she groaned. "You can't pretend you don't want to."

"I don't."

"Well, I don't believe you!"

"You don't have to. Good night, Lilian." He turned and went to shut the door.

"Wait!" Her hands shot out to grab the door, only for it to shut on her thumb.

He groaned, jerking the door open as he turned back to her. "Why would you do that? Is your hand all right?"

"My hand is fine, and I did it so you wouldn't be able to shut the door on me! I wasn't done trying to convince you."

"You won't be able to convince me. Just drop it and go to bed before you hurt yourself again."

"Come on Matthew," she pleaded, trying to wiggle her way into his room even as he blocked her easily with his body. "Just for a little while? If you must, consider it returning the favor for covering for your breaking the vase?—"

"You swore to never speak of that!"

A grin spread across her face. "Did I? Then you'd better buy my silence before I change my mind."

He groaned. "Very well, you harpy! You win!"

She grinned from ear to ear as he stormed back inside his room. Matthew knelt down in front of a large wooden chest, rifling through it for a moment. Finally, he tossed a bundle at Lilian.

"There you are! Are you satisfied?"

"Positively delighted."

"Be ready in ten minutes!" he said before shutting his door.

Lilian grinned. Holding the bundle to her chest, she couldn't help but do a little wiggle before making her way down the hall. She all but ran back to her room. Locking the door behind her, she carefully unwrapped the bundle in her arms. The dress inside was far simpler than what she wore on a daily basis, made of dark gray cotton.

Perfect to wear if one was trying to blend in.

Pulling it on felt in some ways like putting on a costume but also like shedding the skin she had no choice but to wear as she moved through the ton. She could never wear it in her real life, but she felt more herself in the dress than she ever did in a silk ballgown.

Once she had changed, she slipped out her bedroom window. As quietly as she could, she climbed down the vines outside her window.

Matthew was waiting for her, a wide grin on his face, dressed in his own simple disguise. With bright eyes, they made their way out of Mayfair until the houses got simpler and the air lighter.

As they walked through the city streets, Matthew spoke, "So do you want to tell me why you were so desperate to get out today?"

Lilian shrugged. "I just needed some time away from it all."

"You're really going to stand there and tell me nothing happened? You think I'm going to believe that?"

She sighed. "It was nothing that doesn't happen every day. I suppose I should be more used to things by now."

"Ah, yes," he groaned. "That explains everything. I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to open up to me."

Lilian crossed her arms. "I'd rather not talk about this. We come out here to get away from it all. I'd rather not do this at the moment."

"Fine, I'll leave it be, but you should talk to someone about whatever is going on. Maybe you could talk to Mother. She surely must have been where you are. I know she was only out for a Season before she got married, but she was still out."

Lilian shook her head. She didn't understand what he was missing. She couldn't say anything because nothing was wrong.

Well, that wasn't quite true. She was what was wrong. She didn't belong among the other women of the ton; no matter how hard she tried, she just didn't fit.

She had tried for well over a year and a half to fit what they wanted. She changed her hair. Talked less about her hobbies. She even changed the subjects of her embroidery from animals and fish to more typical and mundane things like flowers, only indulging in the occasional bird.

She was so consumed by her thoughts that she hadn't realized she was drifting away from Matthew until it was too late.