Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

T he pair separated shortly after and spent much of the day alone, each reflecting on the tumultuous conversation at breakfast. Marina was certain that she would not see her husband at their dining table again for quite some time while he gathered his thoughts and—she believed—decided whether or not he would be leaving her as he had said. So she was surprised to hear a soft knock at her door that evening. Marina sat by her window, a book in her hand, and for a moment could not convince herself to rise to answer it. Surely, Phillip was still in his study or down in the library at this hour. Had the ghosts of Hayward Estate decided to make an appearance?

The knock came again, still soft, but more insistent this time. The Duchess rose and walked to answer it. When, at first, those familiar eyes appeared behind the door, she gasped—sure that she was being visited by the late duke. But his lips curled into a sheepish smile, and he bowed his head to her before extending his hand.

"I thought that I might accompany you on your late-night walk tonight," he murmured. His sharp edges and cold defenses were nowhere to be seen. Even if she had been lying on her death bed, Marina thought, she would have accompanied him just to rest in this energy.

"I would like that very much," she answered, her voice just above a whisper. The pair took a turn about the library, their arms linked in silence. It was a peaceful quietude, one that only good friends could feel comfortable within.

"There is something I would like to discuss with you." Phillip stopped, turning his head, so he was facing her, and moving back, so he could release her arm. He gestured to a cushioned bench that was built into the wall under a large window. The light of the moon streamed in from it and covered her with its milky light when she sat. Phillip sat beside her, refusing to peel his eyes away from her as he did. Marina felt her pulse as if it were pounding against her eardrums. If Phillip noticed her blush, he gave no indication.

"Anything, Your Grace."

"Marina, even if you were not my wife, have we not agreed today to be friendly with one another?"

"We have?"

"Then I shall never suffer hearing you call me ‘Your Grace' again as if we are strangers."

Marina smiled. "Of course, Duke Hayward. What is it that you wanted to discuss?"

"There are two matters, really."

"All right, then. What is the first?"

"I will be leaving for Paris at the end of the week."

Marina's eyes widened, and she felt as though her heart had stilled in her chest. She pressed her fist against her chest, as if she could coax it into beating again. "But… Phillip, I thought that... after this morning…"

"My journey has nothing to do with what I told you before. I said most of what I did in anger. I was not being dishonest—that truly was my intention when we were first engaged though it changed very quickly after we were wed. I did not plan to leave you for my own sake but for yours. I truly thought that your happiness would come to depend on my absence."

"If not for that, then why?"

"I still have some business to attend to there. My father did not support me financially before he died, and my uncle endorsed my schooling, but as soon as I was able, I began to work. I did not want him to be my benefactor all his life, nor did I wish to rely on him blindly. I would like you to come with me. I would like…I would like you to consider, while we are there, making Paris our holiday home. In particular, once your siblings have married. If we go, and you do not like it at all, then I will take it off the table. But if we go, and you see for yourself what it is that I adore, then?—"

"I would like to go. I am touched that you want to show me the place that you love so deeply." Marina would have been inclined to say no if it weren't for his consideration of her siblings. Plus, she thought she may be able to remind him of this trip later when she very much wanted him to attend a ball with her, and he felt inclined to stay home.

"Thank you, Marina. You cannot know how it pleases me to hear you say so. I will speak with Mathilde first thing in the morning to begin the preparations."

"What was the other matter you wished to speak to me about?"

The glow that had appeared upon Phillip's proud cheeks when Marina agreed to go with him to Paris disappeared as quickly as it had come. She frowned, now expecting the worst.

"I…Have you given much thought to the growth of our family?"

Marina's eyes widened, and her cheeks flushed crimson, forcing her to look away from him. She could all but feel the amusement in his gaze. "To be quite honest with you, Duke Hayward, I have not." Children had, of course, come up in conversation when she spoke with Olivia or Kathrin about marriage back when it was still an abstract idea. Marina had always imagined herself having one or two children, of course. Her maternal instinct was strong, but she had already raised her first three babies. But then she had grown older, and she had resigned herself to a future as a spinster, and she had forgotten all about the fantasy of becoming a mother.

"I have," Phillip said quietly, watching her carefully as she at last turned back to look upon him.

"And what have you concluded?"

"I am not inclined to believe that I would make a very agreeable father. I have never had a good example of one in my life—not until your family welcomed me to theirs, and I believe it was too late by then."

"Is that the only reason?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Is fear the only thing that keeps you from wanting children one day, or is there something else? All mothers and fathers are afraid that they will do something wrong before they become parents. They merely do so anyway and learn as they go."

"It is the primary reason."

"What are the others?"

"I do not believe that children will make me happy. I believe that I will constantly be made to feel like an inadequate father and partner. My work is demanding and will only grow more so now that I have become the duke."

"Then you will be no less or no more than other wealthy fathers in society. You will compensate for your absence with a governess and trust that I will raise our children well."

"Is that what you want?"

"It matters not what I want, Duke Hayward. If one of us has even a bit of doubt about wanting children, then we shall not have children. I am merely…inquisitive. I suppose I want to know if this is how you feel now or if you believe at all that you might change your mind one day."

"No. I am firm in my stance."

"Then I am quite fulfilled with the time I've spent raising my younger siblings. I will have more of me to pour into them as they continue to grow."

Phillip watched her carefully, almost disbelieving that this was her true disposition. But when she offered him a smile, he could not help but return it.

"I was afraid that you would not be agreeable, but I wanted you to know. It has not sat well with me for some time now that I did not bring this up before we were wed. I felt…I felt that I was robbing you of the opportunity to have a family."

Marina reached out for his hand. "I did not believe before we met that I would ever be able to have children. It was something I made peace with when I saw my twentieth year and was still unwed. You have robbed me of nothing at all. But, Phillip, what of your heir?"

Phillip smiled, squeezing her hand and leaning toward her. "I will be at the liberty of choosing an heir I find suitable."

"And who would you choose? There aren't any male children in your family, are there?"

"No. But there is one in yours."

Marina leaned back, blinking rapidly as she processed what this would mean. "You would have Nicholas succeed you?"

"Yes. As soon as he likes as well. I do not intend to hold on to my title until I die. I intend to retire young with you at my side, of course, once I have enough funds put away."

"Phillip, you have been remarkably generous towards my family, but this?—"

"Is the least I can do, Marina. I do not entertain your requests to go out in society together. I will not provide you with a baby to nurture and love and care for you when you are old and needy. I am even asking you to consider leaving your home so that I might live where I am comfortable and happy. Bestowing my title and property on your brother, should he want it, is the least I can do. I will not ask him to make up his mind as such when he is so young, but I would like to announce it as soon as he is of age—perhaps fifteen or sixteen. I believe it will help both he and Emily find favorable marriages, which, of course, I will be happy to assist in arranging, if you and your father so please."

"Phillip!"

"I insist, Marina. Your family is the first I have ever had. I intend to spoil you and them mercilessly, in the ways that I can, I am aware of my many shortcomings. Our marriage—your spirit—has brought them to the light in a way they have not been in many years. I have been forced to face myself. This is how I would like to compensate you all for what you will most likely be put through on my behalf."

Marina stood, as if to protest, but he stood with her, looking down upon her as he held her hands tightly, convinced she might run away if he loosened his grip even a little.

"What will you do if he does not agree?"

"Then I shall die a duke and the succession of my title will be parliament's concern, not mine, though, Marina, I dearly hope that he accepts. I know that if I die young, your brother will care for you in my absence. I did not make this decision thinking only of him and myself. I want…I want to make sure that you are safe and comfortable for all your days. You have given me gifts beyond measure merely through your willingness to stand across from me and tell me the truth. I hope that I can provide you with stability in return.

For a man who claims he cannot love, he is quite earnest in matters of the heart. How will I ever tell him that I have already come to hold him in mine?